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Burton720's Story

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#1 Dec 29 - 10AM
burton720
burton720's picture

Burton720's Story

PREGNANT & ABANDONED

Thank you for this website. I am ten weeks pregnant by a Narcissist, "N". We dated on and off for four years. His behavior patterns are classic NPD. I ended it many times but took him back. I lost my dog and then my father within 12 months. It was a difficult year.

N has a son from a previous marriage who he has not made any effort to see in over six years. He pays child support but has made no effort regarding visitation. Yet, he insists on all sorts of recognition on Father's day. This has always confused me.

He essentially kept me in a relationship I had walked away from many times by leading me to believe he wanted to have children which I wanted.

Although this pregnancy wasn't planned, "N" had said, "if it happens it happens". When it did, he turned his back on me before I could even process that I was pregnant. He told me that all his talk of having children was with someone else, some future wife and future life. Although, he didn't share any of this with me until after I became pregnant.

I am 38 years old and had fertility concerns. Abortion was not an option and this will be my first child. N became hostile and tried to intimidate me into terming this pregnancy. The more malicious he become, the more my resolve grew to keep my child.

N has said that he wants nothing to do with me or this child and insists that this situation is "nothing of his doing". He acts as if I impregnated myself and am sure he has told all his friends that I deceived him which is 100% untrue.

I finally got this person out of my life after many failed attempts but now I am going through a pregnancy alone and looking at being a single mom. I plan on taking him to court immediately for child support which will infuriate him. This is what he deserves. I know he has made many efforts to shield money from his ex-wife and anticipate the same treatment. He is actually successful and has money but made it very clear that he will protect it. He does not even care about his own children.

I need to find a way to protect myself, my child and get over this anger. I'm shell shocked. Does anyone have any advice? Please help...

M

Dec 29 - 9PM
burton720
burton720's picture

Thank-you

Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read, reply and share your experiences with me. We are all strangers but share a unique bond albeit one that no one should have to experience. I have some serious decisions to make. I do not believe this N will be looking for much in the way of parental rights as he abhors responsibility unless it involves making money. I will file for sole custody right away as he abandoned me during pregnancy and will likely force a DNA test. I don't think a court would grant him unsupervised visitation based on his actions. He hasn't lifted a finger to see his first child who he raised for five years. He is also a coward whose instinct is to flee at discomfort or embarassment. He is afraid of any type of spectacle, anything that might tarnish his image. He won't go to family court unless he is forced. He is afraid of his ex-wife who went after him. She called his old boss, all his friends and slandered the guy with all her might before packing up and leaving. I have a good job but live in a very expensive city. This child deserves the best quality of life I can provide and will file for child support as well as sole custody. I will speak with an attorney down the line to discuss best options. N is conniving but actually not that smart. Far more ruthless than I am though. I'm not going to give this guy a free pass, that's for sure. I think you are right, that I am lucky to be alone than stuck with a psychopath which would be worse. I thank you again for your support and kind words. Sincerely, M
Dec 29 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Bella001 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi

Congrats on your first baby and you should be proud of yourself for staying strong for you and you baby. You are right to fight for child support. The fact that you are able to do this shows that you are survivor and have made it through strong.
Dec 29 - 9PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Congratulations On Your Pregnancy

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I am sorry about the unhappy circumstances regarding the biological father's selfish narc behaviour. I had my children in my late 30's, after having had cancer and then suffering infertility due to my advanced age (gets harder and harder to conceive in your late 30's and onwards), so I do view it as a great blessing it is that you were able to conceive. From what you have described I doubt he will be involved in the childs life, as he wasnt in the 6 year old child's life, and shows no desire at present towards your pregnancy. I think I would file for child support though, I am sure the money will come in useful over the years, although it will probably take a while to collect it as he will use tactics to avoid paying. In the USA, having the father on the birth certificate was also useful to my friend when her Narc boyfriend passed away, in order to secure Social Security for their child. And I like the idea of having a court order in place to ensure all visits are supervised ( I have seen this done many times) by telling the court about his abusive episodes, etc. Although he may never choose to be in the childs life, if he should, you will be thankful that it would be supervised. I have neighbors and coworkers who hid their children from the biological father, skipping out on receiving child support in order to raise the child without the father in the childs life. In one example that comes to mind recently, the teenaged child (who had been hidden from father by mother) just found their father thru Facebook, made contact, and plans to go live with the father soon (mother doesnt even know yet). The bottom line is kids do want a father figure, even if it is not biological, so I do hope eventually you will meet a kind loving man and make him part of your life. Armed with the knowledge this site provides about pathologicals, I feel sure one day you will find a good guy to be in your childs life with you. Think positive and hang around here for support! xoxox
Dec 29 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
burton720
burton720's picture

Thank-you

Thank you so much for your post. I agree with you that all should be decided and defined in a court of law. And I also agree that I don't think he will ever choose to be involved. I will do my best to cause the least amount of damage for this child as a result of this situation and be sensitive to their needs instead of mine. I already sent an email making an effort to include the father so that they know I at least tried. Hopefully I will find someone who will love both of us and be a good role model. Fortunately, I have a strong family and network of friends as well as an older brother who recently got engaged. They might not have a father right away but will have male role models and be surrounded by an intelligent and warm family. I hope you are well and healthy and have found someone you and your children deserve. Sincerely, M
Dec 29 - 8PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Burton

Do you want this Narc in yours & your child's life for the rest of your lives? If i could do it all over again i would have had this child by MYSELF! I would not put his name on the birth certificate & I would get assistance, even if its government help but i would not ask a damn thing from that man! If you do, he will always have a right to that child. Can you imagine having to share your baby with that creep?! He will treat your child like he treated you, nothing more than a supply. I would disappear with my child & never look back! My exN doesn't want to see daughter (unless its to show her off to a new gf). Do u want your child hurt the way u were? I beg my exN to sign his parental rights over but he refuses.
Dec 29 - 5PM
Ellen
Ellen's picture

New heading pregnant and abandoned yeeehaaa!

Just need to change that heading i think to pregnant and had a lucky escape!
Dec 29 - 5PM
Ellen
Ellen's picture

I'm so excited for you

Hi Burton 720, I am so excited for you. You have the chance now to have your baby and for it to be your baby with no strings. Excellent situation. One that i could have had if i wasn't so trusting. My exN and i had known each other for a long time. We got together. I think he thought i was the young pushover that i used to be. Anyway the pregnancy was planned, although he did it to upset his ex i reckon. He was devoted during the pregnancy and up until he left when my daughter was 8 months. It was a nightmare how he left. I was still breastfeeding and in complete shock. I had questioned whether or not to put him on the birth certificate and in the end i did. Now i am tied and i regret that. If i were to do all this again. I would have the baby and enjoy every moment. Tell noone he is the father, not child support, move house get away. Even tell him you made it up that he is the father. Just get away. I know others may say that he must face up to his responsibilities and pay etc. In my opinion as a result of that happening with a narc it is you and the child that will ultimately pay. Get away fast as if you have just been held captive. Tell him nothing and never put his name on the birth certificate. If you can't do any of that then pretend you really want him to be involved so he gets scared away. You really need to take this chance to escape now or you may not get another. It is a living hell dealing with their games when there is a child involved. My exc left and told me that he never wanted a child, tried to blame it all on me. I frankly don't care now if he did or not cos i always wanted my daughter. I thought i was getting older and may never have another chance for a little girl and i got her. I have two older boys from my marriage to another narc and the csa is rubbish in the Uk, my ex owes £19,000. There is loads more i could say.......i would love to be in your shoes and could do it differently.
Dec 29 - 3PM
lucky
lucky's picture

Child Support / Access / Guardianship

Let me share... I was married to a serious Pathological and went through 2 pregnancies, births, breastfeeding while with him. I would have preferred to do all this on my own (hopefully you have support from friends or family?) becuz the **** abused me seriously throughout! I am amazed that my kids and I were ok. I left when my second was only 3 months - still breastfeeding and the other only 2 years. Ok... so my advice if you can get it, is sole custody, sole guardianship (important if you ever want to leave the country without asking for his permission apparently). Child support according to his employment (keep track of his employer if you can). Likely if he has to pay, access needs to be considered but I would go for supervised access only. Keep a record of all the abuse you suffered, especially his abusive, cruel comments about not having anything to do with this pregnancy etc. Take them all to your lawyer, saying you have serious concerns about him being stable enough to be alone with this child, and get supervised access. He is still responsible for creating this child with you, so the jerk has to PAY no matter what he says. He is just trying to intimidate you enough so you don't exercise your rights! Once you have your court orders in place, register with Family Maintenance (free government service) who will enforce the orders for you. Knowing where he works is very helpful, as they will garnish his wages from there. It's called Family Maintenance Enforcement Program (FMEP) in Canada, the States has an equivalent service. Hope that helps!
Dec 29 - 12PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

I am so happy for you!

A baby! Wonderful. How dare him try to pressure you into an abortion! That's because he does not want to pay child support for the next 18 years. Please, print out what you wrote here. Keep it in your wallet. Post it in your kitchen. Whenever you feel lonely & needy, reread what you wrote here before you do anything to contact him. Do not ever contact him. The man is a monster, unfeeling & uncaring. You don't need him. Your baby will not need him. Hopefully this will be like the other child . . . he will not contact.
Dec 29 - 11AM
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

Firstly, congratulations,

Firstly, congratulations, your going to have such a lovely time with your new baby. I'm so pleased for you that you are pregnant which is what you wanted. Looking back I wished I never told my exN I was pregnant but I did go onto have another child with the pig so that was a good thing. I was with him 8 years. He has not paid child support money, so don't count on it that yours will as they have a reputation for not doing this. Try not to worry about the future and him, focus on the little thing growing inside you. You don't need him and even if you did there isn't a him to need, he will never be there for you or your child. Plenty of single mums meet nice men later and have children with them. If you put him on the birth certificate he will be liable for child support, have parental responsibility, you can't leave the country for a long time without his permission, he will use. If you don't put him on he will have no control or say over your child and doesn't have to pay. Looking back I know which one I would pick, co-parenting with an N is a nightmare and you're always joined in some way with them.

Ending the dance

Dec 29 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
admin
admin's picture

Welcome burton720

Welcome... get into therapy with a TRAUMA COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY - call a DV Center if you need to get an advocate ASAP to get this man completely out of your life - NOW GET A CUSTODY LAWYER IMMEDIATELY - get child support and nail his ass for ALL MEDICAL BILLS FOR YOURSELF & THE BABY!!! NOW!!!!!! - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing PLEASE read the Rules prior to posting, as well - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with!! BLOCK HIS EMAILS, IMs and TEXTS change your phone & cell numbers NO CONTACT! Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP... Healing takes at LEAST 18 months and you will need support & help from a professional. Please get it ASAP.