Called Him in Tears, and Was Put on Hold!

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#1 Dec 14 - 3PM

StillHurting

Called Him in Tears, and Was Put on Hold!

OMG! I am sitting here in shock right now. I am having a hard time today with a number of things. I had to call to discuss things, and I am clearly crying. So a call comes in on the call waiting, and he leaves me on hold for a really long time. I hung up finally, and he did not even call back to see what was wrong.

I guess this is the lack of empathy. I know he's busy and a bit disorganized, so I do give him a lot of leeway. But when someone is in tears, you put the other party on hold or tell them you'll call back. You don't let the crying person wait on hold.

This is what I find so baffling. How can you profess a love for someone for so long and then just feel nothing like this? Something is not making sense. Wow, this is kicking my ass. I have been crying for months and not even at NC yet.

All my friends are so happy with their kids and everything. This life is no good right now. Just too sad to even explain.

#2 Jul 25 - 3PM

Erali

This is a total testament to

This is a total testament to their true nature! Mine did the same thing, my grandma died, and I called him and left a message in tears saying I wanted to see him. He has NEVER called me since (or texted or emailed or anything). We had been in contact shortly before that, and this was his way of ending it. Total Psychopath.

#3 Jul 25 - 3PM

gratefuljen

Ladies, They use and abuse.

Ladies, They use and abuse. Wake up and smell the truth. It's called cd. They don't care about you, never did, never will. I know it's a hard pill to swallow, read this line over and over. Narc's only care about themselves. Period. The nice guy, was an act. It's Dr Jekel and Mr. Hyde. Not only would I not try to call him again, but this is your life, your soul your fighting for. No contact, read everything you can on N's. Cry, write on here. THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF GUYS. IT'S NOT A GAME. START CARING FOR YOURSELF Love to all Jen P.S. I have done a lot of research Narcissists are Sociopaths, period end of story. They are dangerous. It's not a game.

#4 Jul 25 - 4PM (Reply to #32)

heritage

Hey Jen

Went to my therapist today and she told me N doesn't realize he can't love and thuinks what he does and how he treats someone in a relationship with him is normal. She told me when he told you he loves you he means it. Is this true?

#5 Jul 25 - 2PM

deecbee

I know this is an old post,

I know this is an old post, but I am in the same position right now. For the past few weeks, he has leaned on me and been needy while he went through a depressed phase and a rough patch with his OW. As soon as that was all cleared up, he disappeared. When I tried to call on him during a rough time (now), he completely ignored me. He said he was "busy" and that I get too "high maintenance" and the best thing for him is to wait for me to "settle down" before talking to me. .... He completely forgot that I basically held his hand and kept him from going completely nuts just a week ago! The nerve is shocking and hurtful and I think this may have been the final slap in the face I needed to finally end this nonsense. F- NARCS!

#6 Jul 25 - 2PM (Reply to #29)

spinning

Turn the tables, deecbee!

We will help you. Go NC starting right now. F him! He's a user and a liar and a loser. YOU ARE NOT!! He deserves nothing from you. You gave him everything you had to give and he changes the rules on you and says you're the problem. THAT SUCKS and IT'S NOT TRUE!! Go NC and feel good about that. YOU ARE CHOOSING YOURSELF. YOU ARE CHOOSING TO END THE MADNESS AND TO STOP BEING ABUSED! Keep posting here, deecebee, instead of reaching out to him for support. YOU WILL ONLY GET HURT IF YOU CONTINUE TO LOOK TO HIM FOR HELP. IT'S A GUARANTEE THAT WHEN YOU ASK A DISORDERED ONE FOR SOMETHING YOU WILL GET THE EXACT OPPOSITE. Next time he wants you to save his sorry a$$ from his messed up life you simply won't be available. HIS LOSS! I hope this helps you, dee. I'm pulling for you to turn the corner. We will help. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. I CHOOSE NOT TO EVER AGAIN. I REJECT ALL CONFUSION AND DESTRUCTION. I REJECT ALL REJECTS!!

spinning

#7 Jul 25 - 3PM (Reply to #30)

deecbee

Thank you, Spinning. That

Thank you, Spinning. That invigorated me. I've been knocked flat on my ass by him so many times that it's starting to get really embarrassing crawling back here with another sob story every few weeks. Duh, what did I expect to happen with this guy- did I actually expect him to change? I know it's a process and mistakes will be made, but I've made so many mistakes that at some point I have to wonder if the problem is more with me than with him. I am going to go NC and I know the time will come when he finds himself without a friend in the world, and comes running back to me in tears. The problem is, I am extremely sensitive and compassionate and seeing someone dejected, beaten down, and lonely... especially someone who I was so close to for so many years, it's very hard to turn away from that. Even knowing that he has kicked me while I was down and refused to offer even a listening ear as a friend. Right now I am FURIOUS at him, and shocked that he doesn't even try to care that I am in a bad position, I just hope I can find that same anger and defiance when he comes running back to me for comfort. I'm staying strong and I will have to make it a commitment to post on this board EVERY DAY.

#8 Jul 25 - 9AM

StillHurting

Wow, I wrote this seven months ago!!!

Hi, Scoop and All! I miss talking to all of you out here, and I remember writing this like it was yesterday. Happily, I am over the love I had for this person, and he was revealed to be weirder and weirder as time went on. He is a very angry and disorganized person. I think he chose to focus all his love and attention on me for years because he needed a distraction from his own misery, although I never could understand his unhappiness with his life. It all seems pretty good to me. This person has broken me to the core, and as I read some of the old posts I was writing, it is like reading it about someone else. I thank you all for your advice out here. If I never found this posting board, I never would have known about the Narc illness and everything connected with it. I can't believe I loved him for 10 years. I am a good person, and I only wanted to help him see the good in himself. As it turns out, there wasn't much of it to be seen. A total waste, and I could probably met someone, got married and maybe even had a child during that time, and now that time has passed me by. Anyone out here who is involved with a cruel man/woman, who you think is a Narc, I am begging you to please get out. Don't waste your time and energy trying to understand or fix the situation. Once you unleash yourself, your life will only get better. Believe me, I have been through so much with this man(?), and if I can finally let go, I know you can, too.

#9 Jul 25 - 12PM (Reply to #27)

Arwen

WOW. Thank you so much for

WOW. Thank you so much for this.

#10 Jul 25 - 12PM (Reply to #25)

spinning

StillHurting, so glad to see

you are not still hurting! It's amazing what time, distance, knowledge and a commitment to yourself can bring! I, too, am not spinning any more. At almost 9 months out I echo your thoughts completely. I urge everyone here to consider complete NC and a commitment to healing. I am so glad you came back to post this as it it so important for others to realize WHAT YOU SAY IS THE TRUTH! Amazing things are happening in my life, which is better than I ever dreamed it could be and most certainly a zillion times better than it ever was when I was involved with the disordered freak. They really are freaks and the farther out you are the more you realize that it truly is ALL ABOUT THEM and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH US. Way to go, sister in strength. Thank you for this post. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS OUTSTANDING!!!

spinning

#11 Jul 25 - 12PM (Reply to #26)

adoette

spinning and stillhurting (not)

This is totally encouraging to read. Thanks, Spinning and StillHurting (not) for sharing how you are feeling down the line. I'm almost 4 months NC and have come sooooo far, but know I have a long way to go. It gives me hope to know how you are doing 9 months into NC. That's no guarantee that's where I'll be in 5 months, but it IS a possibility. And even if I'm not there in 9 months I believe with all my heart that I WILL get there! With appreciation, Adoette

#12 Jul 25 - 9AM

Hunter

I would love to see mine cry!

I would love to see mine cry! I'd walk right past the SOB! The only thing he would cry over is his dog! Too bad soo sad! Hunter

#13 Jul 25 - 3AM

Scoop

Bumping this post up , i keep

Bumping this post up , i keep this one in my favorites as for me it just sums up the no empathy actions in just one short sentance "i called him crying and he put me on hold" .. its so powerful . Scoop xx

#14 Jul 25 - 6AM (Reply to #22)

Still Not Sure...

Crying

Thank you for bumping this one as I've never read it and it hits home today... since my narc left me crying in the parking lot at work. He did roll down his window and I said I just wanted to talk and he said we'll talk tomorrow... what a dick. I'm not crying now. I hate that I have to see him every single day. I would have been so done with him soooo long ago if I didn't have constant contact with him.... ouch.

#15 Dec 15 - 5PM

fooled no longer

Thats a narc for you!!! they

Thats a narc for you!!! they will step over your pain riddled body to glance at themselves in the mirror. Im thinking this condition has been compared to profound autism where the person cant relate at all or respond to affection so why dont we just realise that they dont fucking care!!!! Oh yes I forgot,,, because they are human imitators and they spend 1,2,3,4, years convincing us they were our sweethearts. I FUCKING DETEST THESE NARCS: they are Hateful IM sorry for your pain, im sorry that there are not enough worrds in the language to express what bastards they are.. I understand and the others on here do too. Im sorry he will rot in hell I believe that. A

#16 Dec 15 - 5PM

betty2020

Oh honey i am so sorry for

Oh honey i am so sorry for the pain that your going through. It is difficult to comprehend how these people can act the way they do. This is why education about the disordered is so vital. You have to understand that this person does not feel like you. He does not experience emotions the same as you. Love to him is not a feeling but a tool that is used to get a need met. The one thing you have to know straight out of the gate.... you can NOT change him. No matter how much love, attention, affection etc... he will not change. This is intertwined in his moral fibers. You must protect yourself now. Avoid those situations that cause harm to you. Like this contact. Your inflicting unnecessary pain and damage to yourself. Let someone else take care of what needs taken care of. Nothing is that important to risk your emotions with. Please tell me you will never harm yourself again. Please! only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#17 Dec 14 - 5PM

gettinbetter

Crying

I remember calling the N crying in the beginning as our reconnection brought up old wounds. If he had to take a call he would say Babe hold just one second Ill be right back I promise in just a sec. are you OK? Then it became let me call you back and no phone call. Its like some kind of light switch flips in them. I can almost pin point the exact day it started to happen or atleast the week that it started to change.

#18 Dec 14 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

StillHurting

Sick of it

Right...I felt like it was "oh no, she is crying. What is she going to ask of me now?" I have very rarely cried on the phone. So you get Babe for your name? I get "hey baby" and "hey sweetie," which I like very much. If it wasn't all a sham, it was just about perfect, to be honest.

#19 Dec 14 - 5PM (Reply to #18)

Journey

Baby

I got Babe, Baby or another one which I don't want to mention because it is unusual, therefore easily recognizable. Maybe I should tell it so if any other of his victims are on this board we'll know we've been with the same narc - lol! I say that because I found a note in some of his things he initially left behind in which he called his GF before me the same name, then I saw something he wrote to the OW after me and in it he called her by that name as well. It makes me wonder how many before and after the three of us have heard it too. And I thought it was special to me - ha! I call the cat 'baby' sometimes and for months, even still now it brings back memories of him saying it to me and I can almost hear his voice come out in mine. I try not to call her that anymore, just to keep HIM out of my head. Journey on...

Journey on...

#20 Dec 14 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

gettinbetter

round one he always called

round one he always called me by my name but this time around it was always babe or baby or princess

#21 Dec 14 - 4PM

Journey

Still Hurting

Still Hurting, you are obviously still hurting and I am so sorry to hear how this is hurting you. I am new here and I don't want to presume anything, but it sounds to me like you still are not convinced he is a narc. It is plain to see he's at the very least a jerk, but if you haven't really accepted that he is a narc then you will likely continue to be confused and hurt by his behavior. I think you give him too much leeway and he knows it and takes advantage of it. Everything I've read says narcs cannot feel empathy, are not capable of really ever caring about anyone they say they care for (even when it looks or seems like they do or did), and get a power-over thrill by making others wait for them, especially when that person needs them to respond and especially if that person is upset or anxious while waiting. From what I understand that is the ultimate feel-good for them. They are omnipotent in those moments and like to be in control always. Trying to project our own values and feelings of caring or empathy into their souls is as impossible to do as it would be for us to be like them. We can't because we do feel empathy and care about others. They don't. Period. Please read more and if you know by all accounts that he is a narc, then please start accepting and believing it - for your own sake. With acceptance comes some relief - however difficult. Sorry if I'm sounding too matter of fact, I relate deeply to your pain and I wish I was there to give you a hug! Journey on...

Journey on...

#22 Dec 14 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

blueeyes

Journey,

Your absolutely right, they get control over upsetting others. So sick right? Oh yeah, god forbid we do their ignorance on them? They freak. There's always a double standard.

#23 Dec 14 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

StillHurting

For Journey....

You are correct. I am still struggling with the narc thing, and he seems to fit borderline, too. Other than that, he is a nice person...LOL! If he is not disordered, I definitely have come to terms with the fact I was taken for a ride...big time. It takes a lot to say bye to someone you've had daily contact with for nine years, so it is hard to do. If I am not okay with being "just friends" then it is not good for me to stay here. In light of other things he is doing now, too, this is not longer a happy space for me to be in. I guess in my own way I am letting go. Scaled the contact back a lot, nothing sexual ever again, etc. I am trying.

#24 Dec 14 - 9PM (Reply to #13)

anonymous

Still Hurting - Been There

"It takes a lot to say bye to someone you've had daily contact with for nine years, so it is hard to do. If I am not okay with being "just friends" then it is not good for me to stay here. In light of other things he is doing now, too, this is not longer a happy space for me to be in." That's exactly the position I as put in. You can read my story for the details, if you want.... but I took his advice. He was always saying 'you've got to look out for number one.' So I did. And told him I no longer wanted him in my life. I had to get out from under the misery and as hard as having him out of my life after six years has been, it has saved me. Good for you for trying. It's so hard. But it's the right thing for you.

#25 Dec 14 - 3PM

Briseis

Putting a crying person on hold

Sure you do, if you don't give a shit about how they feel :( You still believe he cares about you, and are shocked when it is clear that he does not. This Narc is going to be a Narc with you, no matter what. You DON'T profess love and then shove the loved person off on hold when they are crying. There's no love there :( Those are just words to keep you on the hook, honey. And now he doesn't say them at all. He can't love you. He doesn't have it in him. He doesn't know how. That part of him is missing, like a birth defect. Any clown can say the words, and act as if. But when the rubber meets the road, the clowns don't SHOW love. The worst thing for you to do right now is think that this is happening because YOU aren't lovable. Please don't. Feeling unlovable because of a Narc is like feeling unlovable when a snake bites you, or you get fleas from your dog. You are looking in a distorted mirror and seeing yourself all distorted. YOU are fine. HE is the distorted mirror. You need to get out of this. The time is coming. I'm sure you know this. And this long period of pain will only end when YOU end it. You deserve a man who is yours and belongs to no one else. Who is delighted when you call. Who will drop his life and comfort you when you cry. You can't have this with HIM in the picture.

#26 Dec 15 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

Hunter

The only guy I know like

The only guy I know like that Is taken, He's my dad. I'm pretty sure they broke the mold when they made him. :)

#27 Dec 14 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

StillHurting

Thanks, Bris....

I know it must end. The romantic part I did end, and it's not easy. I am still struggling with the fact if he is a narc or borderline, thought he has a lot of the criteria mentioned. They say 5 of 9, and he has like 8 of 9. Or is he not disordered at all and just a married guy who had an affair, and now he is on to his next thing. Not even sure about it. Like we all say, we want the original person back. I want the nice guy who sent flowers on my birthday, called my five times day, couldn't wait to see me. Where is he? I think he is totally gone off in a different direction so I know he wouldn't be back, disordered or not. I'm not sure if anyone else feels like this, but I am crying a lot and grieving the loss of the relationship, but he sounds so happy. Running off and doing his show or whatever, going through the day, dealing with his children. Maybe in his mind this was over a while ago, and plus that he's married it isn't the same as if we were exclusive and it ended. His life is still the same. He had me as an extra thing, and now he is just back to where he was before. It is all so confusing. I often think that I am being punished for being with a married person. If that is the case, I have paid it back with high interest, too. Believe me, I regret ever doing anything like that. It is not who I am. It just seemed so plausible at the time, and I just adored him so much. We actually did get along, and he was very nice for a number of years. Nothing is nice in the end, narc or no narc.

#28 Dec 14 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

MovinOnUp

I'm so sorry you're hurting

I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. When you think back to the times when he appeared to be loving -- does that happen to be a time when all the empathy was flowing from you to him? Because that would make sense. And now that the pain is yours via him -- he doesn't have the time to fit you into his busy schedule. Which would make sense also if he's a narc, because as soon as it isn't all about them -- it isn't. Please don't write this off on him being busy and disorganized -- because that's a load of crap. I bought that with my N for years. He's very busy and about as disorganized as they come -- unless it comes to something that's important to HIM. That, he's never late for or has any trouble remembering. So it's selective disorganization and forgetting -- and there's usually some power play involved if you look hard enough. Again, I'm so sorry this guy is causing you so much pain. But as soon as the needs flip from his to yours -- you can pretty much expect nothing but the sound of crickets coming from his direction. And him sounding happy is par for the course. Hard to take, but par for the course. He's got all kinds of supply supporting him in this new life of his. I hope you don't hear this post as harsh. You're obviously a very loving, caring woman whose biggest fault is falling in love with someone who can't love you back. And I hope you can find a way to rid your life of him for good. Because you deserve more in return for that love. This isn't about you, it is ALL ABOUT HIM.

#29 Dec 14 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

Journey

Still Hurting

About being punished for being with a married person - please get that out of your head! If you truly regret it, then now you know it is not okay with you and you won't do it ever again. If he has 8 of 9 traits then it seems he most certainly is a narc. In another thread today there is an online PD test link - you could answer what you think his answers would be and see what that tells you for added validation. We have all cried a lot and grieve the loss of our relationships (the good parts we remember, the love and dream that felt perfect to us at the time which we've had to let go of). I tortured myself for months because mine discarded me and went straight into the arms of another woman he had lined up and waiting. It hurt like hell. That relationship ended after 8 months, then he was onto another one (though I know nothing of what happened with the next one or if it has continued). He had told me I was his best friend (and I was!), that he couldn't imagine being with anyone else, that he wanted to make it work with me just months or even weeks before, then like changing his mind about what to have for dinner he was gone and I didn't have any substantial reason to answer why or how he could say he cared one day and then not care the next. He left everything he had with me behind. (which was a lot!). I resented his new life too, he moved on with barely a glance back. I was a complete mess and the pain was brutal. Narc or not, you deserve to stop beating yourself up about what has been done. Forgiveness starts with you - for yourself. "We actually did get along, and he was very nice for a number of years." Mine told his mom (and I overheard) that I was the most compatible woman he had ever been with and he was seemingly 'nice' most of the time too - but with a narc none of that really matters unfortunately. Hugs! Journey on...

Journey on...

#30 Dec 14 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

StillHurting

Thank you, Journey, and everyone out here

I am reading all of your suggestions and comments. It is really helping a lot. I am sorry if this person is ill, disordered or whatever. I am not one to leave someone who is in a time of need or anything, but there comes a time when you have to say you have done all you could. I have, I have, I have. I was here for him, and if he had wanted to be with me, he would have made it happen. It is true, he seems to get to things on time when they are of interest or when he absolutely has to. He is a bit all over the place, and I know I have been of great help to him. I wish I had a supply of people in different roles to help me with everything. I could use some help now!

#31 Dec 14 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

Briseis

StillHurting

I am sorry if this person is ill, disordered or whatever. I am not one to leave someone who is in a time of need or anything, but there comes a time when you have to say you have done all you could. Narcs aren't truly "ill". They are quite satisfied with themselves exactly as they are. There is no "time of need" for this guy. Sounds more like he convinced you with "poor poor him", a very common manipulation. You don't exist to serve him, to beef him up and protect him. You exist for yourself. And THEN who you choose to serve. Now you are just "there" for him and getting nothing back at all, not even a minimal respect! Just being connected to this man emotionally is damaging to you. It's a one way street where you just give and give and give. What about YOU? Time to realize he isn't going to GIVE it to you anymore, and when he did give it to you, it wasn't real. If it was real, he'd still be doing it. People don't just stop caring about someone they love. That's not the way it works :(

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