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a calm feeling after 20 days

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#1 Sep 10 - 11PM
terri
terri's picture

a calm feeling after 20 days

When I was finally ready for NC, I had had enough. I had already been on this site long enough to have a pretty good awareness of the N tactics so when I had one last face-to-face encounter with the exN (20 days ago), it was like finally being able to understand a foreign language when he started his usual hateful, blaming rant. I was able to remain cool and simply walk away in peace.

It hasn't been easy, but it certainly hasn't been as painfully difficult with the panic attacks, sadness, anxiety to call him or drive by his house (was going to be our house as a family), etc. I sit here tonight with my children with a feeling of peace and calm that I used to know years ago. Contentment - the very best feeling in the world.

I regret that the life I thought I was moving toward didn't happen - but it didn't. It's not my fault. I gave as much as a person can give and in every way. Don't know what the future holds but I know what it won't hold anymore. It is such a powerful feeling to take that control back. I think this might be the first time in years that I really feel in control again.

I'm not completely back to "normal" again but I want to thank everyone on this forum for their stories and support. You are the reason I've gotten to this checkpoint. Thank you.

Sep 11 - 10AM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

So glad to read this Terri :)

You've come a long way in a short time, even in the last week! We all make the move when we're ready and one thing I love about this site is that I think it can push the readiness date up for some. I wish I'd had it ten years ago, although I'm happy where I am now so I suppose my process is just what it needed to be. A year out, I actually don't have a ton of regrets as I see everything as a learning experience. Very inspiring to hear you feeling good and not having so much anxiety. It only gets better :) xoxo
Sep 11 - 7AM
naivenomore
naivenomore's picture

So Happy For You!

Terri, This is wonderful news and I'm so proud of you! You've passed by the hardest parts and while there still may be some minor triggers along the path you will be stronger to jump out of their way and continue to move on. You have taken your power back. Bless you and your children!
Sep 11 - 5AM
Alibi_10
Alibi_10's picture

Terri

Glad you have got to this stage. Reading things like that makes it easier to believe I can be in the same place one day. Your comment about peace rang true. I crave that peace but even seeing his worst side I kept throwing myself back for more because I thought I could handle the challenge and maybe the excitement. No. ... I want to walk away in peace too. Thanks for the post x
Sep 10 - 11PM
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

YAAA!!!!

YA!!!! for you!! Keep up the healing :) ~~~~~ “The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don’t give them,” --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf :)

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

Sep 10 - 11PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Well its day 14 for me and I

Well its day 14 for me and I will say I am feeling a little better. I can almost feel that toxicity starting to leave my body and it almost like I feel "lighter" this time last weekend it was hour to hour for me. Honestly last week I wanted him to call or text. This week not as much and I dont feel so much like its hour to hour. I wouldnt say I dont want him to call. There is still that part of me that wants the drug and the validation. I can honestly say though that I hope he doesnt so that I am not tempted to suffer a relapse. So as much as it hurts and as terrible as it sounds I hope he has got plenty of supply so that I can get stronger. I guess we will see what the future brings. So far he has not contacted me(except for the mysterious unkwon caller) that I got last Friday. I cant believe Im going to say this BUT I hope it stays that way Cant wait to get to day 20! Congrats to you. Keep it up! When I see people on here that are a little farther along in NC it motivates me to keep going!
Sep 10 - 11PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Terri

I understand this completely. This was the year, when all the children had finally graduated and gone to college that we were suppose to get married and have our life. But it will never be and I spent 10 yrs believing it. I don't know what is going to come but I know at least I have peace, I have genuine friends that do care about me, and I will be ok because I am a survivor at the highest level. I don't know what is going to come but I know what I will never allow again and I am confident in that. Good for you, good for us. almostlydia

almostlydia

Sep 11 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
terri
terri's picture

What I've learned

Thank you ladies for your kind words. And to everyone on this board who is struggling with NC, I know now that getting into that "good place" with NC comes only when you're ready for it. I'm 20 days NC but I'm seven months into a breakup that has had much contact with the exN and even worse raging and verbal abuse than the years preceding the breakup. I still don't think I could put into words WHY I stayed in it, and even tried to go back to it. But I know it was largely based on a lack of understanding of what was at the root of his treatment of me. Of course, for most of us, the tendency is to believe the bad things they say we are and have done to the relationship. We want to see them as "normal" people who react normally, behave normally, love normally, and (as normal people do) treat the people in their lives with fairness and respect. But connecting to the people on this site really opened my eyes to what was reality. I didn't even know how to determine what was real anymore. He was such a strong personality, and I had become accustomed to deferring to his version of the truth that I had disconnected from my own truth. I am reconnecting with my own truth now. It feels comforting - getting back to normal. And I am enjoying getting back to a life this is lived on MY terms. I'm happy to share and compromise with someone who can do same - but I WON'T be with someone who insists on making it "all about him" anymore!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

Sep 11 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

This is really good Terri

>>He was such a strong personality, and I had become accustomed to deferring to his version of the truth that I had disconnected from my own truth.