Can you help me get this out of my mind

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#1 Oct 28 - 7AM

jen79

Can you help me get this out of my mind

I try to get out of my mind the thoughts about the last texts, that he is feeling awfull about not having been good to his ex, about sabotaging the relationship and that he feels like he really fucked up things.

I know I am not yet in my old state of mind, with all the clearness, so please help me to get this out of my mind, before I get stuck in jealousy and in fantasies about him having real remorsefull feelings.

Is it possible that he truely has remorsefull feelings, why did he tell me that anyway.

I know they lie when they mouth opens, but right now this just sounds so abstract to me.

Just help me to to process that, so I dont get stuck in jealousy.

#2 Oct 29 - 3AM

Briseis

Jen, if you are not speaking

Jen, if you are not speaking with him now . . . you are just "remembering" things that have happened in the past. They are memories. And all the "details" are fantasies. The what ifs, the "what he might be thinking"s. Fantasies. Your own thoughts, no one else's. Not his. Just yours. This is all happening inside your own head. He's no where around. Fantasies. These aren't "real". They feel powerful, yes. They are vivid and in your face. But they are fantasies. You have no idea if he was or is remorseful or not. He's not HERE with you to know anything for sure. This is "living in his head". It is SO unimportant, in spite of how it feels. It is a rabbit hole. Don't go down it. This is your own Narc addled thinking, not anything that is really happening now or maybe even ever. The good news in all this :D is that if it is just your recently broken NC addled thoughts generating all this . . . continued NC will take care of it. Keep the focus on your present life, what is happening right now. All the rest of it is fantasy, and a dead end one at that. A rabbit hole, and you are trying so hard to crawl out of it.

#3 Oct 29 - 4AM (Reply to #24)

jen79

Briseis

You are so right. Especially in my case it is so insane, he isnt around me anymore now already for so long. It all happens in my head. And it should be non of my buisness anymore. I have alot of things to do today, and I hope this will bring me back to the present again.

#4 Oct 29 - 3AM

Disillusionedx2

why did he tell you that?

He told you that for one reason and one reason only...SUPPLY! Jen, keep in mind that their reason for breathing is to obtain & maintain supply the best they know how. He knows you, he knows the comment will throw you into a empathetic tizzy that will ultimately cause you to reach out to him. Hit the brakes, delete the text, block his number, then continue deleting him from your psyche. A normal human being would text something like this...hi, how are you today? I have a personal issue bothering me and I was wondering if we could talk? instead, you got...NARC-BABBLE....you have gotta read between the narc-babble lines, straight away it's about how HE feels, never mind he says he feels bad, it's still about him, then goes on to say HE feels he sabotaged the relationship, again, even though this sounds as though he's feeling bad, he's not, trust and believe he's sabotaged many relationships, what about yours? how does he feel about your relationship with him? what is more likely? he's losing a source of supply somewhere, he's just trying to suck some out of you long enough to satisfy himself until he finds more. The only remorse he has is for him self and that dwindlin source of supply, best wishes.

stay~strong

#5 Oct 29 - 3AM (Reply to #20)

jen79

Disillusioned

Thanks for your post. I am not going to read his messages anymore. I know you are right, it is very alien to me, but deep down in me, I can feel something was not right about that. Especially cause I didnt react the way, he expected me to react. I could litterally feel how the energy shifted after that, without any words, I just felt it, how he dropped me, and has now already else he gets his supply from to satisfy him. I am so done with him. I am feeling better today, hope the narc is out of my system soon.

#6 Oct 29 - 4AM (Reply to #21)

Disillusionedx2

Jen

I am happy you are feeling better. It's a tough process getting them out of our system, eventually we will be fully free. I'm still amazed there are humans that exist who have no soul, no emotions but rage and anger, selfish, self-centered, ugh, it's horrifying. N phoned me up and asked if I had a hammer he could use, sure, I’ll bring it to you, when I arrived, I found he had at least 4 hammers from 4 different women, I was like, um, you have 4 hammers here, what gives? He says they overheard him say he needed a hammer to put something together. Were you all on a conference call? Unreal, alien, it was just supply for him, he still has my hammer to this day, and I’d like to knock his block off with it, lol, continue learning and getting stronger, it's the best weapon of defense against them, and NC if you can manage, best wishes.

stay~strong

#7 Oct 29 - 4AM (Reply to #22)

jen79

Disillusioned LOOOL

This made my day, LOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!! 4 hammers of 4 different women, unbelievable this narcs. My has sent me same pics of him, again and again...I thought, wow, to how many women have you sent this pic, that you forget I got that one already.... They are all the same...so predictable...

#8 Oct 28 - 9AM

chickon2

Goodmorning Jen79

WHy did he tell you that? To sucker you in.. AND now look at what he has done... Has you doubting things.. You posted before that your gut is screaming. Listen to it mama.. You are getting out of the funk.. You were on a roll yesterday.. Delete those texts.. The more you look at them the more you are going to slip into that "wonder" that is BS. he is an assclown.. TADA!!!

#9 Oct 28 - 9AM (Reply to #18)

jen79

chickon2

I deleted them all already yesterday. Yes I am on my way, I doubted things, but the answers here have already helped me to knock some sense into me! Thanks chickon! Yes total assclown!!!

#10 Oct 28 - 9AM

blueeyes

Hi Jen!

I am not a professional, but I can share with you the wasy my N pretends to feel remorse. The only way to really grasp this concept sometimes is to put evidence in front of you. A visual proof so to speak. I added a program on his computer and cell phone. I can see everything he says to anyone. So, I have it all in black and white, evidence of the sickness in his mind. I did this months ago and I really took a few months of the visuals to have it "sink into MY brain." He will text his brother (sept) : "I filed for divorce today, she will never change. I can't take the abuse anymore." (its a lie, he didnt file) He will text me (1 min after his brother): "You are not a nasty person and I am sorry I said that. I Love you so much, my face still lights up when I see you and I truly mean that. I still Love spending time with you even if you have been mean to me. I know we will make it through this. We are invincible!" Then 2 minutes later after his brother said "You filed? WOW, why?" He will respond "Yes, I did and she is so nasty and bitter, I can't stand her. When she comes home from work, I cringe." I have months of this in front of me, along with major lies to others. I wanted to give you a calm example. Sometimes seeing it (even if it takes months to sink in) it can help. I have alot of healing to do myself, I thought I would share what helped me. I hope you are ok?

#11 Oct 28 - 12PM (Reply to #15)

terri

Blueeyes

Wow!! Where can I get that software? Actually, I'm finally out of my relationship but what an excellent way to validate in black and white what we really know intuitively is happening! I did something similar. I knew his passwords for both his email account and his Facebook account and snooped on both for months after the break. It took about one week for him to start contacting ALL of his past girlfriends. The fact that he kept those doors open throughout the 9 years of our relationship was one BIG proof of his NPD. I agree, it really helps to have tangible evidence of their sickness - it forces us to see things as they ARE, not how WE WANT them to be.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#12 Oct 28 - 1PM (Reply to #16)

blueeyes

Terri...

I am not saying this was a healthy thing for me to do, especially if he was cheating but I am saying I did it out of desperation for knowledge of what was happening to me. I would never want to read things to OW EVER! I was looking for that but never found it thank god! It would hurt more than the pscho BS he spit at others. Now, get my email and I can answer your questions..Better yet, did you join the new sit? You can private message me there my name is blueeyes.

#13 Oct 28 - 9AM (Reply to #12)

chickon2

Thank God

I am not the only one Blueeyes.. I broke into his FB and email(hanging head in shame) What i saw was OMG .. I saw the chat... after we broke up.. He would be telling this girl, (the same things he told me) I love how you smell, I love looking into your eyes.. WHILE chatting with her he was sending private messages to other girls.. saying HEY gorgoues, when are you going to go dancing with me,, I want you to know that even though I have not seen you in months I have had you on my mind a lot. AT the same time he was chatting with the new victim AT the same exact time he was telling his friend that I did voodoo with him ont he cruise.. AND 5 minutes (yes i saw the time) he told his friend that I still see, how he never ever had a GF like me. AT The same time he was telling his friend , that he never had a GF like me he was in another chat telling some guy HEY when are you going to hook me up with a good woman She can't be blonde (mind you the ne victim is blonede) and he is telling her at THE SAME EXACT TIME as this chat that he loves the way she smell, and can't wait to see her. AND IT STILL TOOK me a while for all of this to digest. B/c it is like manic... AND he told another friend (that I know) that he is taking a break from class (the one we would go to together)b/c he is dealiing with so much, and he is walking in the morning.. NO he is not.. walking in the morning he is going to see the new victim that is married by the way. AND the fact that I sat on that computer one night and read, and re read, and re read b/c i could not believe this was the same person, that would say so many things to me and my family, this man would sit outside on the porch with my dad and they both would tell jokes.. and i would see the both of them and my kids outside and my heart would swell with love and want to pop out of my ches. THIS is the same person that gets porn delivered to his email.. BUT goes to church every single sunday and says the rosary before mass.. JEN, he is not worth it.. we all know it.. You even know it...

#14 Oct 28 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

jen79

chickon2

Oh yes, this brings all memories back to my mind. Well my N, didnt do that at the same time, only one woman per day. I saw the emails, and saw the days he didnt text me, were the days he texted with another, and so on and on. Maybe it gives him a feeling of being a "nice guy", that he doesnt mix that up all at the same time, just day by day. And he dropped the exact lines like yours, same nick names... Oh yes chickon, they are not worth it, we just need to remind ourselves again on what happened, cause the damn C-PTSD makes you have fragmeneted memories and amnesia.

#15 Oct 28 - 10AM (Reply to #14)

blueeyes

The array of OW

See? That's what I was looking for girls..OW msgs, but instead I found a pscho in the making. He wouldn't cheat and I begged him to! I know that sounds weird but that would be the ONE thing to say "GET OUT." It was a cop out for me.....

#16 Oct 28 - 9AM (Reply to #8)

jen79

Blueeyes O.M.G!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for sharing this with us! I am sorry, but I had to laugh out loud when I read this. Sorry, this is not to be ment to deminish the horror you went through. I just laughed about this unbelievable behaviour! OMG!!! I can imagine, that this took you long to sink in. I checked his mails last time we saw each other, and what i saw there was so unbelievable that I somehow had a short amnesia about it. Unbelievable, and totally psycho. It is very weird, with normal people, you can listen to your feelings to know whats going on. With Narcs, you have to shut down all your feelings, and listen to your brain and the most unbelievable and total alien and abstract scenarios your voice is telling you, to get what is really going on. Thats the hard part to do. Thanks blueeeyes, I am a little bit better today, and I hope you enjoy your first day in freedom!

#17 Oct 28 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

ShaynasMommy

Jen79 ---Isn't that so true...

The part about having to shut off your emotions and listen to your logic. The more I read all of your posts, the more I realize they (Narcs) are all the same, and I am able to re play the past events in my mind and see them with even more clarity than I originally thought I had. I see "scenarios," as you put it, that I had not considered before and its like a hundred lightbulbs going off. I knew he was a bad mutherfucker before, but now I know just HOW bad. Things that Iv'e figured out from being here have made me want to vomit. I feel guilty sometimes that I'm even here and re-hashing the past in a way, even though I considered myself moved on from him in a major way, I mean my life in no way resembles the one I had with him and I'm a married mom now with a much better life. But I came here for answers, and Iv'e been getting them, as many as we can, anyways. I don't believe we will fully and completely "understand" where a Narc is coming from, because we can't squeeze inside their head and be them (thank Jesus) but being here on this board learning from each other is the closest to it. My poor husband, I think he's been getting the brunt of a lot of my residual anger at the Narc since I came here Iv'e been a bit grumpy towards him, but I haven't told him why, poor guy. This right here is something that is just for me, though, so I don't think I will share with him why, but try to tone it down some! I'm really lucky to have found AAH, otherwise I would have gone another 8 years scratching my head about the past and not being fully at peace with it. This has been so surreal, because I got so frustrated for answers that I finally googled with the phrase "calling your ex Evil on facebook" and no joke, this site came up. Its like the solution was tailor made just for me. If that doesn't say that I was meant to find you guys, then I don't know what would. I knew that my exN was a shit and had no intention of ever getting mixed up with him again, but now I know EXACTLY what kind of devil he is, and it has all fell into place. If it seems like I really know my stuff about narcs, trust me, it wasn't until fairly recently that I did, because once I learned that M was a narc, everything he has ever done to me and other people totally makes sense, and because they are all the same species.....well, there ya go. This board is an absolute gift. Both for those 8 weeks NC and 8 years + NC. Anyways, Jen79 -- just wanted to reiterate what you said. It really caught my attention and gave me another A ha moment. Knowing what we know about Narcs and their ilk, whenever we have questions about what he's doing or why, we can just close our eyes and shut off the irrational, emotional, empathetic (normal)side of ourselves, and think from a Nacs POV while considering his motivations. If that doesn't work, just read up on what other ladies' exN's are doing and that's pretty much what your little X darling is up to.

#18 Oct 28 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

blueeyes

Jen..lol...

It is humorous in retrospect. It is a really hard thing for people like us to stay in this frame of mind. I am struggling pretty bad at the moment, then 2 hours from now the confident me will shine through. Moment by moment in a healthy way. It haunts me at times. Others it makes me laugh. Pscho's, is right. Sad..SMH...At least i'm not depressed. It may come as I am not shocked at the effect this man has taken on me..... I hope he doesn't text you again..... XOXOX

#19 Oct 28 - 9AM (Reply to #10)

jen79

Blueeyes

You will get through this, moment by moment. Depression sometimes come later in the process, but you will get through this as well, the longer you are away from him, the better you will get better, and even a depression is better than the sickness of a psycho. He will text again one day, but then it is too late. XOXO

#20 Oct 28 - 8AM

jaycee

jen

jdont get stuck in jealousy, there is nothing to be jealous about, he only said that to sting you.....he has no remorse for what he had done to the ex or anyone else. just be glad you are rid of him. i love that, so sorry i did this to my ex, bullshit, hes not sorry or he wouldnt have done it. same goes for my hN hes not sorry, if he were he would have never done it. they dont have remorse, so dont have jealousy, nothing to be jealous about, youre the one he should be mourning about, he lost you........xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

#21 Oct 28 - 9AM (Reply to #6)

jen79

jaycee

Thanks jaycee, you are so right, this was not his first try with her, they had a constant on off relationship for 7 years. And when I met him, he told me the same bs about her. How he always screwes things up and he needs to change to settle down. And he had his chance with her again, while he constantly texted me all time, asking for boob pics and all this bs, so what remorse, you are right, he CHOOSED to do the same BS again and again. Thanks for the reminder jaycee, and I like what I am reading lately from you, you make baby steps in the right direction. Hugs.

#22 Oct 28 - 8AM

michele115 (not verified)

Good Morning Jen

First, I want to share with you that you are not alone, this process has so many ups and downs and take me for example: I'm either manic depressive or this process is a biatch!...I am not doing cartwheels, but feel okay today...it's a matter of just living moment to moment which brings me to: I don't know the story with the texts, the history of what you are referring to; however, we know they manipulate. He probably is on to the fact that you know what he is, maybe not that he's a narcissist, but that you're on to him. He knows what he is for sure, he knows what he feels, or should I say doesn't feel. SINCE these guys project and they are good at reading people, he probably has a sixth sense that you know he is incapable of any feelings! That being the case, it's part of the D&D to drive you mad, to punish you because of his self loathing that he would bring up an ex and express "remorse" this is meant to do exactly what it's doing to you - having you emotionally affected, in his mind, hopefully destroying you leaving you with the questions..."Why doesn't he feel that about me? Why aren't I good enough?...blah, blah, blah. That is exactly why he is doing it. Any rational, thinking, feeling human being, even if they fell out of love - which happens, not a crime would not intentionally look to harm another. If he was in his right mind and saw it as "over" he would not still be out to do further harm, normal people know that when it's over if you walk away, you walk away but don't look to destroy. This guy is not rational, or normal by a longshot. It hurts, but if you could wrap your head around the fact that he is sick, and that you can't expect normal, rational, empathetic behavior from severely mentally ill people, you might come to terms with his text a little better. I understand it is a push pull for some. For me, when it comes to him, I have had to shut off ALL feelings of empathy. I've had to do it to survive, but I know for some it is a difficult process. I hope this helps some. It is not you, it's him, and I don't think he feels remorse for the ex either - I think it is a two part plan for him: Image control: "I can feel" and destruction to you and your feelings, self esteem and anything else he can destroy. Don't let him do it. He's sick. Hugs!

#23 Oct 28 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

jen79

Oh michelle thanks

You totally hit a nerve here, I couldnt really graps it but somehow I had the feeling its part of DD. And yes you are totally right. Right before that text, he sensed something, he texted, I am not a psycho blahblah...which I never said, he said it. And then right after that, he came with this, so yes, you are probrably right, this was a D&D and a way to show how much he can "feel". And you are also right about the fact, that a normal person wouldnt do that, he knows about my PTSD, so who on earth would go back again to harm someone you "fell out of love" with. Ahd thank you michelle, I hope you enjoy your day, yes I thought I am bipolar too, this process can really bring us out of center, but we will get there. Thanks sooo much for clearing up my mind, last time something like this happened, I carried it around for more than one year, till I got here and had the guts to talk about it again... thanks thanks thanks.

#24 Oct 28 - 7AM

The Girlfriend ...

Hang in There Jen79

They only mimic 'remorse' etc. He is doing what he is doing to reel you in for any type of 'supply' (attention and reaction either negative or positive that might prove some emotional ties to him and offer him some sort of 'relief...like a drug 'fix') If possible, change your numbers and block him from your email and IM so he cannot communicate with you in any way to draw you back in and keep you feeling confused and restimulated (triggered) Any contact with him in any manner will be a trigger to your PTSD (which most of us have after a relationship with one of these subhuman Vampires) Block him every way you can. Do not respond to him, remain NC and stay strong. You WILL get through all this eventually...he will NOT have the same effect on you as time away from him goes by...the longer you are NC...the clearer your heart and mind will become. What he is doing is a manipulation to keep you somehow involved with him...don't allow him ANYTHING! No response, no reaction...complete indifference. They always try the 'pity me' and 'feel sorry for me, I think I messed up' routine if all else fails. He is trying to appeal to yours and anyone else's need to 'rescue' him... YOU were the Jewel among Gems in your past relationship with him...NEVER him!...and someday you will remember who you are and feel confident and strong again...The best way to recover is to go NC and STAY NC!

#25 Oct 28 - 8AM (Reply to #2)

jen79

the girlfriend

My first impression was, this is his distancing tactic, and he always started D&D like this, talking about his ex. But on the other side it might have been a way to get me hooked or even worse, to punish me in some form. I dont know anymore, and I wish I wouldnt care, I know in one week I wont care anymore already, I know already too much, so the process is now faster, but this seed I want to kill it now before it becomes too big. I am now in NC on day 2. I dont expect him to contact me anytime soon, and next week he is blocked anyway from my cell, my email he doesnt have anymore, I changed it some months ago.

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