Clarity

Hi friends!

Just checking to tell you about my progress. I've been NC with my exnh of 35 years for about 20 months now. I've been doing a lot of work lately (instead of thinking it would go away in time). I wasn't able to put the pieces of the puzzle into the right place. Going round in circles.

I read a book this week that flipped a switch for me. I'm a caretaker. I take care of the people I love at my own expense. It stems from my young years with parents that didn't see me. A mother who basically ignored me and a father I was scared of. I had to mediate every fight they had. I stopped doing it when I was 22 and they divorced.

I'm not interested in exhn anymore. Cut that line a while ago. Not scared of him anymore either. I see the pathology clearly.

Still having troubles with my youngest daughter who verbally puts me down and flips when I ask her anything. The new me woke up this morning. Normally I would sit here and freeze till she gets up because she complains it gets to hot in her room if I turn the heating on. Yet she won't shut hers off at night. I just turned up the heating full blast!!

I've mentioned here before that I had had terrible nightmares about my exnh crushing a baby's skull with his thumbs. In time I dreamt that I would hold and sooth the baby and try to keep it safe. Someone on here pointed out that that baby could be me. Guess what? Last night I dreamt that I pulled a baby out of the fire. It's foot was still burning a little and I rushed to put it's foot in the snow. It sighed.

I woke up to a new me and the song "If I ever get around to living" by John Mayer in my head.

Finally going to take care of me now.

Have a good day all!!
xoxo