Crazy, addictive, and finally, disordered!

I was literally assaulted by the disordereds. It was a sneak attack, because I didn't know I was sleeping with an enemy. Someone who doesn't consider my feelings or needs, and only pretends they do, is an enemy. A poser, an actor, an imposter.

I came here stung, wrung, and feeling like dung. Raw and completely out of sorts. And in my case, addicted to all of it. I didn't understand that I was, but I was. It was all I could think about...trying to make sense of nonsense...giving it power and energy because I thought it was real...any other thought couldn't stay in my head for more than a few seconds, and then off I would go ruminating and dwelling on the condition of my miserable life, abandoned by my cheating wife. I didn't know it was just a sick person acting out a disorder on an unsuspecting willing participant(prey). Whirlwinds of emotions would swell in my head, and I was not a happy camper.

If you are new here, and not pissed and hurt that they are ignoring you, that's great. That was not my experience in the early days of my recovery. I was both pissed and hurt when I didn't hear from her. I wanted her back, and I wanted to hurt her the way she hurt me. That was my cognitive dissonance. My feelings were already raw, and I just wanted everything to go back to the time when being with her felt good. And at the same time I was very angry with her for hurting me so bad. That mental conflict created lots of resistance inside of me. Pain and suffering, and exhaustion as I figured and figured and still couldn't figure it out! From my vantage point now, I can see clearly that wanting her back and wanting to hurt her were both counter intuitive, and delusional.

I thought she was crazy, in fact I knew that she was crazy, she even told me that ver thing many times. But the fact that her particular "craziness" was a disorder...that piece of information really helped me. It always would be there, it always was there, and it wouldn't get better. Fully comprehending the permanence of her condition opened a door through which I could see the value and wisdom of letting go of any idea of a reconciliation. With that psychic change, I started thinking more of making a life for myself, and less and less of resenting her, hating her, and romancing any notion of "her".

With the understanding that I was obsessed with something that was, and always would be broken, I started to get some sanity back into my head. I can't fix stupid, and I can't fix broken. The Narcissist is a broken person. I started seeing her as a red light, a stop sign...then a mental fence started to get built inside of me...a boundary was being erected that I had no desire to violate. I was being exposed to the truth, and the truth was setting me free.

Looking back, I can see that truly understanding the permanence of their disorder really helped me get some clarity, a new clean lense to see through. It was so helpful! As sure as the sun rising and setting, so it is that their disorder will always be there.

And the most important piece of all...I don't have to do that to myself anymore!

ds