Cried during my workout today...help :(

49 posts / 0 new

#1 May 3 - 11AM

TovaBella

Cried during my workout today...help :(

I cried during my workout today. I’ve been NC for six weeks. He hasn’t attempted to contact me in anyway and this makes me feel worse. I feel like if he attempted, that it would be closure of some kind for me to continue my NC and move on. Stupid I know, but that’s what it would be for me. I don’t know if he’s with another woman or women…he most likely is and to me, it doesn’t matter. I guess I just starting crying because I’m a good person and because towards the end, he started telling me about how this woman or that girl is hot and built “the way he likes”. He started saying things like, “that girl’s is more on my level looks wise, but all the other girls I’ve been with haven’t really been. They were just there for the time.” This hurt me! I was on my elliptical telling myself that his opinion means nothing…I shouldn’t feel bad about my curves…but I still kept crying. He’s made me feel bad about my body, because the women he was pointing out (he provided pictures…the a$$hole), were all built stick thin or were wearing bikinis, dressed like club girls. They were party type girls wearing bikini’s and pool parties. I’m built like a Marilyn Monroe or Jennifer Lopez….a completely different body type.

How sick is it that I actually felt like if I was thinner or built like those girls, that none of this would've happened to me?! I know deep down this isn't true though...he's screwed over super model looking girls...all women/girls are objects for him to receive gratification from. I felt and feel awful. Why would he say those things to me…why would he do this? Once again, I’m crying and want so badly for karma to come around and bite him in the ass, because he deserves that and more.

TovaBella

#2 May 4 - 7PM

dainmn

cried during workout

I know exactly how you feel. My ex-N thinks he is perfect or close to it also. When we first got together he said, "we look good together." I thought that was an odd statement to begin with. Anyway, I am 6 years older and a few weeks ago (last time I saw him) he made a comment as to who had more wrinkles. Sick. I cry every day....for the past 8 months. An ugly cry. I think sometimes my face will stay that way. I've been NC for almost 3 weeks. My longest ever. It can only get better as time passes, I'm hoping. Everyone in my life says I'm so much better off w/o him. He's with someone new and staying with her. He has new job and she is an investigator of some sort and looked at his background. He's a felon with 7 years in prison. She is staying with him anyway. He's very very smooth....and great looking and charming. I've been praying for her. It's hard, but I wouldn't want anyone to go through this. It's just terrible. hugs

#3 May 4 - 10AM

michele115 (not verified)

Tova

I am sorry you had a difficult day. When those tapes start replaying remind yourself that it is only evidence of how sick and screwed up he is. Keep pushing forward through the waves, there are so many ups and downs with this but there is no such thing as perfect and that is the ever elusive that the NARC seeks that which does not exist. He is so distorted in his thinking, he will never know love nor appreciate anything he is able to get his grimey hands on because his only talent is "destruction" You are a child of the universe with special talents, gifts and beauty...anything said by a narc is null and void as they operate on the false self and project. Hearing those tapes are painful, but we have to work hard at not internalizing what they say or do, as it holds no weight. At this point, we are in control of our thoughts and it takes time to undo the damage for sure - but these creatures really lack any authority whatsoever to hold any opinion as they can't even look within themselves. Hope today is a better day for you. Hugs!

#4 May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #47)

TovaBella

Thank you Michele115

Hi Michele115, Thank you. What you said was right, he does seek perfection and I believe this is because he views himself as perfect if not close to it. It is all part of his fantasy land in his head. I know he appreciates nothing and he never will…especially when others give it to him. I have first hand experience with that and I’ve learned my lesson. I REALLY need to work on not internalizing he has said to me or if he ever contacts me in any way, what he may say. I must say, it blows my mind that these types of people can’t/don’t look within themselves and that they lack the empathy card from their mental/emotional deck. Very bizarre. Again, thank you for your support, it really means a lot to me. TovaBella

#5 May 4 - 9AM

Hunter

Tovabella

You answered your own question, everything you describe states inferrior, he need to compensate for his low selfworth! He sure is jealous of you! You are everything he can never be! Be Strong, You'll be fine. It's a process. NC is the only answer! Do you really want to spend time with crazy? Yuck! Hunter

#6 May 3 - 11PM

ifinallygotit

sorry for my rant in post below everyone

Tovabella, what I am trying to say is does not matter what we look like! They are set and programmed to devalue us! mine never criticized me but I always knew that deep down, he did not think I was good enough for him, but I never knew why!! Now I can see that I was not superficial enough for him!! i did not play games or try to look fake! there is nothing wrong with you and when you think about all the happily married couples you see around you, it really is never about looks and perfection. there are alot of big homely ladies with wonderful husbands and marriages because their men LOVE THEM. These guys never loved us! They used us for entertainment until the next thing came along. it is not that the other women are better or that we need to change ourselves. Also mine DID get a bite in the ass from one of his exes that he had a baby with. they STILL don't learn their lesson even after a life trauma - they just lay low, lick their wounds, wait for the bad problem (bankrupcy, public shame etc) to lift and then they go do their nasty business again. Without a desire to change and major therapy, there is no hope. We have to stop crying because there is no hope for a positive outcome...we must just support each other!! They are the losers not us!! I am not changing my appearance for anyone!! period...and don't you either. And skinny is not so great as you age! I just really got hurt bad falling because I have no fat to protect my skinny hips and back bones. I wish I had some padding in the back, i wouldn't be limping right now... screw them!

#7 May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #41)

TovaBella

Hello Ifinallygotit

Hello Ifinallygotit, You said, “what I am trying to say is does not matter what we look like! They are set and programmed to devalue us! mine never criticized me but I always knew that deep down, he did not think I was good enough for him, but I never knew why!! Now I can see that I was not superficial enough for him!! i did not play games or try to look fake!” I COMPLETELY understand what you mean. However, I would like to add that they don’t view themselves as superficial or fake. You described yourself in your previous post and by the way please don’t apologize for going off…I totally don’t view it that way. The way I can see it, I can use all the help I given to me on this forum (smile). Back to the description of yourself…you are beautiful! You described yourself and from what you’ve written I know you are good person. These douche bags have these standards that they set…what they feel they are entitled too…standards that are TOTALLY unrealistic! My favorite part of it all, is that these A**HOLES don’t even meet these standards themselves! Yet, they feel they can impose them on us women as a form of control if we “get out of line” aka. standing up for ourselves and calling them out when see them for who they TRULY are…MAN WHORES and PURE TRASH! I’m with you about not looking fake. I’m origionally from the west coast, but have lived on the East for quite some time. I do my best to take care of myself, eat right, take care of my skin, I exercise, but I’m curvy and muscular. I’m working on further trimming down, but I’m doing it for myself and I still like to go out and socialize and have an occasional glass of red wine. When I go back out west to visit, I’m surrounded by implants, Botox, face lifts, collagen and you name it. I have nothing against people who do any of these things, but I certainly always felt bad when my ex-N use to compliment women who clearly dabbled in all of the above things I mentioned. I began feeling as you previously mentioned…”he didn’t quite think I was good enough for him…” I won’t EVER do any of those things so that some N will consider me beautiful. If we did all of those things, they would say we’re high maintenance! LOL! We can’t win…just like you previously said. I have a great quote that is one of my absolute favorites!! It pertains to these thick headed Narcs that are all about looks!! “Beauty fades, but dumb is forever” I value brains over looks, because when those looks fade on those cheap hood-rats trophies they like prance around with, they have NOTHING! I know they never loved us and this is what hurts the most. I felt like I gave and him walking away made me feel like what I gave wasn’t worth it and this is the truth and it just hurts. I know it’ll take time to heal and I’m glad to hear that your ex-N had Karma visit him. I can only hope I’m around to see my ex-Narc get his come up’ins, haha. Thank you again, Ifinallygotit. TovaBella P.S. Please be careful and don't fall anymore. If I could give you a little bit of my fat, I would ;) (big hugs to you)

#8 May 4 - 11PM (Reply to #42)

ifinallygotit

tovabella

Thanks for helping me too! i actually fell 6 feet down on to hard surface crashing down on my slim pelvic bones - I am a pretty good athlete who had a crash - not a trip and fall thing! But for anonymity I do not want to detail it out...This sport is my passion and my only fun since getting dumped by N so I am very frustrated with a long recovery ahead... I hate using the word "mine" to describe ex N but he is somewhat thick, does not get nuances. he probably does not now the difference between class and flash and thinks a hooker girl (who will look like shit before the age of 50) is a great trophy. I wonder what happens when she is ugly and going thru menopause? I doubt they have anything to say. He is cute but not handsome, had a nice body which he takes for granted and let it get totally out of shape, but good genetics and a famous name helps hide the defects...I loved him for him anyway...he is not my type looks wise...I just accepted him for who he was. I also take good care of myself, weigh the same as I did in high school and look years younger than I am from a life time of sports and fitness.. Screw him and his hooker girl too! She may be nice but he disgusts me...I never knew he was so low class. i am appalled bu his lack of character. No apology or good bye or formal break up after a 10 year love?

#9 May 5 - 3PM (Reply to #43)

TovaBella

Hello Ifinallygotit!

Again, I’m so sorry to hear that you fell…ugh! So awful. I hear you on having a passion since the ex-N. I definitely workout more just to blow off steam and think…that’s why I freaked so much when I started crying the other day! I don’t want what he did to me to begin impeding on something I’ve always enjoyed and that I recently even MORE of an outlet. In my book, it was just yet ANOTHER way I would feel robbed. You mentioned that your ex-N probably didn’t know what the difference class and flash, I think I agree with you on that one. I noticed my ex-N (when I was attempting the friend phase…disaster) would point out flashy girls and say that they were classy. I quickly would point out how they were just bar whores or club girls and I kid you NOT, he would have this fantasy in his head and try to apply “good girl traits” on these whore’ish looking women. Now mind you, please don’t think I’m bitter when I put the label of whore’ish on these women, but truthfully, he supplied the pictures of these women to me and that’s EXACTLY what they looked like. The pictures of these women made Hooters waitresses look conservative…truth! Anyway, he would get upset with me and tell me I was wrong…I wasn’t, he just didn’t like to own up that he’s attracted to whores and that good quality women were something he could hold on too. You know Ifinallygotit, the fact that you loved him for him and that he wasn’t the normal type you went for means a ton too. He is of low class and as I responded in another email to you, you are a female of worth…he’s a male of low worth and poor character. He doesn’t deserve you…you deserve so much better. Let him screw his whore’ish looking woman…she’ll look horrible as she ages from what you’ve described and he’ll be left with nothing until the next vapid woman comes along. TovaBella

#10 May 5 - 4PM (Reply to #44)

ifinallygotit

yes not good taste

I love Mariah Carey's singing but think she looks the worst of any celeb with her giant fake boobs and her horrible plunging neckline teen bop skin tight short clothes, and often over weight body stuffed in. He thought she looked great! I once asked how he liked women to dress and he said " oh you know, the usual tight jeans and short dresses" I do admit I wear tight jeans but think ladies over 40 and 50 look dumb in mini dresses...I like to dress sexy too and always tried to be beautiful for him... I do feel totally trashed that he prefers trash. But I was so gullible as the good girl friend at home, maybe there was a secret trashy life going on the whole time...i found an earring in my car once that looked like it cost $1, seriously it was crap like a 14 yr old would wear...

#11 May 3 - 11PM

ifinallygotit

tovabella

I am really attractive, tall, slim, highly educated, successful professional, ex-fitness model, good citizen, volunteer for kids and kissed his ass and treated him like a king. He dumped me without ever saying goodbye, no discussion on breaking up after a 10 year relationship. He moved and got a new GF who is younger but less attractive, short stumpy limbs, bleached badly hair, bad fake everything, looks like a hooker/hooters waitress, hangs her boobs out, looks vulgar and cheap and he is very proud to show her off! I am a dark haired natural looking classic type who has had men way more accomplished than him chasing me all my life! he prefers a low class uneducated almost hooker (I hope she is not a hooker but she is in her 40's and sure looks like a bar rat advertising sex). Think how I feel! All these years I thought he liked elegant, dark, model type women - I always knew he was a little disappointed that I was sporty and casual and that he probably would like more high heels and flash but NEVER did I know he wanted TRASH! I think he is so big and dumb he could get fooled by a transvestite in a blond wig with false eyelashes and fake boobs!! he is that superficial that he could probably fall for all the fake props. I knew he was a bit slow and dense but never thought this is what he thinks is cool for a woman! His GF's before me looked more like my type and the stars he admired where more my type! I am shocked that he is with a woman like this! She may be a very nice lady but he had two professional parents and he went for a very low class type that his family disapproves of on FB. WE can't win with them. i can only guess that me being the same age as him was an embarrassment? however, he was totally attracted me...I guess I did not look flashy enough for the new image he is trying to create as he rebuilds his fan base. he actually has real fans - used to get freaking fan mail...and he would read it!! sorry for ranting but i am confident in myself even though I am in my 50's and think he is pathetic trying so hard to impress people that he didn't realize a hooker is not a great prize.

#12 May 4 - 4PM (Reply to #39)

TovaBella

Hello Ifinallygotit :)

Ifinallygotit, WOW! Ten years, huh? Ugh! What a motherf*cker! Why do you think they like the stripper type looking women?! At one point, my ex-N was practically salivating at the mouth at this woman who worked out at his gym and who had implants so big, it looked like a joke! Trust me, I have nothing against implants…five of my friends have them, but all but one of them has a reasonable size that fits their shape. This women has E’s…that can’t be double D’s…they look SO much bigger. The women he was so crazy about looked the same as you described above…very cheap looking and didn’t conduct herself in an appropriate manner at all. I remember my ex-N saying to me one time, “Can you imagine what people would think if we (stripper woman and him) walked in to a pool party together?” His eyes were all lit up when he said it too. It was all about the image and that just blows my mind. It’s as if, the mere idea of a woman being completely vapid mentally isn’t even a concern of theirs! That’s crazy! Come to think of it, there’s that phrase, “There’s not such thing as bad publicity…better that than no publicity.” Its like they live their life according to that phrase….as long as their being looked at and gawked at, they don’t care…they fuel off of it. Totally bizarre! Trash is right! They seem to love the slutty look…I think Joy from that show that use to be on t.v. a few years back, “My Name is Earl.” I don’t watch television much, but I do remember that show just because of the woman Joy in it. Ifinallygotit, it just sounds like some of these men don’t want smart women who have an opinion of their own. I mean seriously! They don’t want to be with someone smarter than them…they want complete control. Why else would they aim for PURE TRASH?! I can only conclude that it’s because they need someone with no brains whom they can pull all their crap with…someone who can’t call them out. You mentioned his parents are professionals and his behavior is surprising. I was just responding to someone earlier today and brought this up. My ex-N use to make me feel bad by always bringing up how he wanted to hang out with more people who were raised similar to him. He was raised in an upper-middle class family, both parents including himself are educated, his parents are still married and he just viewed what he came from as superior. This always use to hurt my feelings, because I was raised by a single parent. Here’s my take on that whole thing. It doesn’t matter where a person comes from…it matters what this person decides to do and how they want to proceed in life. I’m educated, well spoken, have great friends, love my family, learn from my mistakes, admit when I’m wrong, feel and have lots of love to give to those in my life. My ex-N may have been raised of privledge, but he has NOTHING on me. So, your ex-N’s behavior and choice of woman as of recent is just proof that it doesn’t matter where you come from…crazy is crazy. He is clearly mental like most N’s are…you turned you away for some hood-rat who sounds like she looks like she can charge by the hour, haha. You are WAY better than him! WE ALL ARE! You mentioned his new toy is way younger. I understand you on that front too. My ex-N is almost forty, takes steroids to look the way he does (total meat head…mentally thick too) and one of his last trysts was with a nineteen year old girl. It was DISGUSTING!! She was really mentally immature too. I called him a kiddie-fiddler and told him that he took her straight from the swings…the type that you have to slide your legs in and out of…not the ones you sit on! He of course became pissed…but not before I reminded him that she was in high school the year before. He told me to be quiet and that it sounds awful when I say it…I just told him the truth hurts. We’re just too smart and good for men like that. Let’s hope Karma turns around and bites them in the ass good and leaves a permanent scar that further blemishes them! TovaBella

#13 May 3 - 7PM

sara-smile

Tovabella

Did you happen to see the issue of People's Magazine "Most Beautiful People" this year? Jennifer Lopez is the most beautiful!!! :) Enough said! Don't let the idiot get in your head! No man has fantasies about dating/having sex with a stick! Have you ever heard a man yell "nice ass" to a stick? They don't record songs about women who are built like sticks but they have plenty out there about women with curves! Baby got back, Baby got her blue jeans on, Fat Bottomed Girls, Shake that ass, and the list goes on and on! He said these things because he's a cruel bastard! He's a sick idiot! Keep your head up and show off your curves girl!

#14 May 4 - 4PM (Reply to #35)

TovaBella

Sara-Smile

Hi Sara-Smile, Yes, I did see the cover of People's Magazine...thank you for that reminder too :) I'm doing my best to kick that ex-N a**hole's comments out of my head. Do you think it's awful of me to wish that one day in the future when he's out of my head that he happens to see me out and that I look stunning, happy, with friends and enjoying life without him? If that ever did happen, I hope he would be miserable due to karma and that he would stare with a dumbfounded look on his face, haha. I know it'll probably never happen, but I can't help but think how good it would feel for him to be miserable and me to be happy. Thanks again for the reminder :) TovaBella

#15 May 5 - 12AM (Reply to #36)

ifinallygotit

tovabella - body types

I am curvy too! Slim curvy! I buy jeans made for curvy girls!! I am slim with naturally good size boobs and hour glass figure with hips and strong thighs! the new hookerish girl is short, chunky, straight up and down, no curves and smallish boobs but very garrish and flamboyant!! She would get more looks than me, she is way flashier! So maybe they do not just want the sexy curves - they want to be with someone to get noticed - I think my ex N does this to show off to other men. None of his friends thought I looked old but maybe he disliked the image it presented (an age appropriate mate). The new GF looks about 13 years younger...oh well. I am NOT jealous, I just wish I never experienced this...I really really love him deeply. I had no idea I was just his favorite sex toy. Of course long distance requires comittment and love and he has local action - plenty of it... Mine will never be without supply and he does not care much when he gets in trouble from his bad behavior. These guys think they are above the rules that apply to society ( a la Tiger Woods...). I am just beginning to get angry...I do not deserve this nightmare he left me with

#16 May 5 - 2PM (Reply to #37)

TovaBella

Bodytypes-Ifinallygotit

Yay that you buy jeans for curvy girls!! Haha. I also do…I can’t fit into anything else. My favorite are ones from Buckle! I also have an hour glass figure, but I’m I have some meat on me that doesn’t look too bad. I’m working on losing a few pounds, but lift weights so I’ll always have some solid muscle me…plus genetically I build muscle quick (both a blessing and a curse). Isn’t it weird how they always gravitate towards women who are flashy?! I have that experience with my ex-N too! He LOVES to be with women who get looks…even if they do look whore’ish…it makes me sick! Oh and you are SO right, you know they do it to show off to other men. My ex-N flat out told me that he loved having that little tart of the 19 year old dumb ass on his arm. Forget the fact that people were asking him if she was his daughter, haha. I understand exactly what you mean by, “I just wish I never experienced this…I really really love him deeply.” Don’t you think for one minute that he’s worth it…because he isn’t! You sound like you are a woman of worth and women of worth don’t put up with trash like him. He’s mentally ill and you can’t be with someone like him…he’s just not on your level mentally at all. Hell, he’s on another planet…the planet of himself. This is what I have to tell myself over and over again. My ex-N deserves NOTHING good from anyone…especially me. I’ve tried to be there for him and tried to even be his friend and all he did was take me for granted…the same is happening to you too, my friend. I say we just keep being fabulous, let happiness into our life and hope that they see us happy and enjoying life without them. The truth is, they’ll never change. Classy men like classy ladies and treat them well ALL the time…pigs like trashy women, treat them like crap and wallow in sh*t and PRETEND they have class. My ex-N also believes he’s above the rules of society and just used me for NS and sex. I don’t think it is possible for them to hold on to good women…I think their intimidated in some way. I think they want to have good women for status and bragging rights, but deep down, they want a submissive half whit who they can order around, use as a trophy and use for sex…that’s it. If you really think about it, they’d have several women at a time…one for every type of event. They would treat us like cars…whatever is going to make them look good and looks expensive. Actually, maybe ties is a better analogy, haha. Anyway, you get my point. They think women should be blessed to be in their presence and that they can do what they want and get away with it. If we don’t treat them that way then they disappear…screw them! TovaBella

#17 May 3 - 7PM (Reply to #32)

sara-smile

Make yourself a CD......

Make yourself a CD with all of these songs about curvy women! Embrace your curves!!! "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen "Miss Fat Booty" by Mos Def "Brick House"by The Commodores "Hips Don’t Lie" by Shakira "I Like Big Butts" by Sir Mix-a-Lot "Beautiful Girls (Nothing On You...)" by BOB "Bootylicious" by Beyonce "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera "Big Ole Butt" by LL Cool J "Legs" by ZZ Top "Get Off" by Prince "Unskinny Bop" by Poison

#18 May 4 - 3PM (Reply to #34)

TovaBella

Sara-Smile

I'm SO going to make a mix with some of the songs above. I already have two of them on my IPod for when I workout. Thank you so much for all the support. Everyone on here has been really helpful and I know I wouldn't be able to do this on my own. A few close friends know all the details of my story and they all tell me the same thing, "to just get over it." I just don't discuss it anymore with them. This forum and my therapist are the only two places where people just understand the full extent of damage that this S.O.B's inflict. Thank you again, TovaBella

#19 May 3 - 8PM (Reply to #33)

Steph

great idea, sara-smile!

#20 May 3 - 7PM

Susan32

I don't even think I was the right GENDER for him(!!!)

The ex-Psych prof preferred males to females, it was an ex-boyfriend who warned me about him. His girlfriend (who replaced me) looked like a more butch version of me. The ex-P liked it when I was masculine, he'd approve if I wore jeans, a t-shirt... he was fine with it. He had a circle of male disciples who wore dirty tank tops&torn jeans. If I wore a dress or a skirt, he'd automatically call me a SLUT. It was downright surreal when he D&D'd me for his masculine girlfriend. He talked about going to LA, and I was expecting a bimbo, someone MORE feminine than me. A supermodel. I assumed he'd be that superficial, but boy was I shocked. His girlfriend looked like HIM (and like me, in a sense)... she wore dark/neutral clothes, she was quite butch, she even had a crew cut like him. They looked&acted like identical twins. I think he wanted a very masculine woman... an Amazon. I can only imagine what it was like when she was pregnant with twins.

#21 May 4 - 3PM (Reply to #29)

TovaBella

Susan32

You know Susan32, When I read your post, I was shell-shocked! If your ex-N is more turned on by a woman who looks like a man, that's HIS issue and NOT yours! My gosh, I can't believe he called you a slut if you tried to dress up! These men are truly truly sick to project their issues onto people who USE to actually give a crap about them! Don't you wish once we've been burned by these S.O.B's that we could tatoo the word NARCISSIST onto the forehead of these guys! My gosh would that be great! LOL! Then everyone would know what they were dealing with...ugh! If only, huh? TovaBella

#22 May 4 - 4PM (Reply to #30)

Susan32

She outdid me in the tomboy department...

Between the masculine girlfriend and the fellow professor who was an ex-boyfriend (the openly gay prof sounded like A LOT of the people on here, because he had been D&D'd, he warned me) The ex-P's relationship with another man, a fellow professor, didn't work out... and I think his girlfriend was an attempt for respectability (people were REALLY expecting a boyfriend, I was expecting an LA supermodel bimbo, everybody was disappointed) The ex-P didn't mind if I wore jeans or a t-shirt. His theory was that Shakespeare in "Shakespeare in Love" was more turned on when Gwyneth Paltrow dressed like a man... he complained that the movie had TOO MUCH MUSIC... now that Gwyneth is singing&dancing on GLEE... karma deserves to be paid overtime!!!! "That's HIS issue and NOT yours!"-And the reason why I didn't marry him. He would've thrown a fit if I had worn a wedding dress. He fails as a gay man, e.g. Tim Gunn on "Project Runway" and the late Alexander McQueen, not to mention RuPaul herself, who appreciates dressing up. I think RuPaul should tell the ex-P "If you can't love yourself, who can you love? Can I hear an AMEN??" I knew the ex-P was superficial.... but I was expecting a Barbie. THe ex-P's girlfriend not only looked like me in some ways... seeing her with him was like seeing me with him in a bizarre way... but she REALLY looked like him.

#23 May 3 - 7PM

findingmeagain

He wants you to think this

He wants you to think this Tova! Do you know how many men would love a woman built like J-lo and marilyn!? He knows this thats why he said that bonehead comment. Let me use this as an example my ex N always use to complain when I would go get my nails and hair done nice. Guess what the idiot's women look like thats right hair and nails done makeup down. He was saying these things to throw me off and make me feel bad about wanting to pamper myself but the chicks he is with do that and then some. F that dude he was just trying to make you feel like you're feeling right now. Go find a man who will love those curves girl!

#24 May 4 - 2PM (Reply to #27)

TovaBella

Findmeagain, thanks for cheering me up :)

Hi Findmeagain, I know he's an asshole (sorry for my mouth), he's still in my head and when I look in the mirror I need to NOT think of the girls he pointed out as attractive. That S.O.B use to send me pictures of his little conquests...it use to have me in tears. One of the last ones he was "entertaining", was nineteen years old and he's almost forty. He became irate when I said, "You realize she was in high school last year, right? Also, you realize that your practically stealing her from the swing set, right? The kind swings that have the feet part for your legs to go through." LOL. Talk about a kiddie-fiddler, I mean seriously! That's not even right! I don't think there's anything wrong with dating older or younger...but the girl he was saying was immature. When you described your ex-N going after women who did themselves up and him complaining about you doing it, I just laughed. Are they not TOTAL hippocrites (sp?)??! I do love my curves and he can SUCK IT! haha TovaBella

#25 May 3 - 3PM

carol24

His devaluation of you is irrational.

Hi Tova, I think it's important to remember that when narcissists devalue their partner, and consequently end the relationship, it's a completely irrational decision. If you or I (or any other normal person) were to "go off" the person that we were dating, there would be a reaon for it that we would be able to rationally explain. (e.g. We've met someone else that we fancy more than them, or we've been with them a short while and start to realise that we've not got much in common, or we've found out, fairly early on, they have some irritating habbits that are annoying, or they did something immoral, like cheat on us, so we dumped them). One way or another, there would be a reason that we would understand clearly ourselves, and be able to explain to our partner in simple terms. When the narcissist devalues their partner the decision is made partly because of the fact that he is constantly striving for unobtainable perfection and he will never be satisfied. No matter how attractive or wonderful his partners are they will all be subjected to the same cycle of idealisation in the early stages of the relationship followed by devaluation. His decision to devalue you is a result of his demented state of mind and therefore it is impossible to try to explain it to yourself in a way that makes any logical sense. If you try to you will just drive yourself mad thinking about it. Remember, his reason for ending the relationship is mad, because he is mad.

#26 May 3 - 8PM (Reply to #22)

TovaBella

Carol24

Carol24, I do agree that when N’s end a relationship, that it is irrational. It certainly seems that way from what I’ve experienced. You explained it very well…how we would be able to explain our reasoning, they on the other hand, don’t/can’t (not sure which it is.) You mentioned that they are constantly striving for unobtainable perfection and won’t ever be satisfied. I’ve read this before and have been told this too. So why in the past has he constantly felt the need to boast to me about how “hot these other women are” or “why they are on his level looks wise.” Was he trying to make me jealous? Why? He made it pretty clear what he found attractive…a trophy looking woman…a woman who didn’t ask a lot of him…someone who stayed out of his way and let him do his “own” thing. That was NEVER me. I’m cute, but I’m not a trophy. Thank you for your helpful information. I apologize for the questions…I’m still processing. TovaBella

#27 May 4 - 1PM (Reply to #23)

carol24

TovaBella

Hi Tova, I'm no expert but, based on my own experience with a narcsissist boyfriend and on what I've read on the subject, I think that they can't (rather than don't) explain their reason for wanting to end a relationship. I believe this is because, in order to explain it to you they would have to understand it themselves, but this is something that they want to avoid like the plague. The idea of analysing their own thoughts on why they don't want to continue in a relationship makes them feel very uncomfortable indeed because it would involve them facing up to the fact that there is something wrong with them. Let us try to imagine what your ex would say to you if he were to give a truly honest answer to the question of why he wanted to break up. It might go something like this: "I want to end our relationship because my opinion of you is suddenly the exact opposite of what I thought of you yesterday. I don't know why I have changed my mind drastically and suddenly but I do realise that the fact that I have means that I'm a freak who can't attach to anyone in a healthy way." Can you imagine him saying that to you? Absolutely not. Narcissists lack the ability to reflect on themselves and therefore, cannot see that they have any faults. This is because, to admit that they do would force them to realise that they are not perfect. This would threaten their grandiose self-image which would be unbearably painful for them (indeed, this is the whole point of their narcissism - it is there to protect them from this pain by enabling them to continue living in a fantasy world where they don't have have to accept the truth about who they really are - a person with flaws like anyone else). Your ex is not capable of revealing the real reason that he wanted to end your relationship because this would involve him having to face the fact that he has faults which are preventing him from being able to have a successful relationship. In other words, admit to you that he is inadequate and a failure. But a narcissist would never be able to admit that even to himself, let alone admit it to you. It is for this reaon that they come out with all of this nonsense when asked the reason why they don't want to continue in a relationship. In response to your question: "So why in the past has he constantly felt the need to boast to me about how “hot these other women are” or “why they are on his level looks wise.” Was he trying to make me jealous?" My instincts tell me that he was simply trying to put you down as a way of controling you in order to try to prevent you from abandoning him. Narcissits have an amazing ability to home in on our insecurities and then they will use this against us when necessary. I imagine that at the time he said this stuff to you that the truth was he was actually afraid that you might abandon him, possibly for another man who was, in some way, better than him (his worst nightmare, this would constitute absolute confirmation that he is not irresistable). As a way to solve this, he projected his fears onto you. By playing on your insecurities about your physique whilst implying that he could get a woman who was better-looking than you (how dare he!), he was brainwashing you into feeling that you were incredibly lucky to have him and that you must hold onto him - therefore achieving his aim of preventing you from abandoning him. After all, why would you want to abandon someone who you feel lucky to have? You would do the opposite, aim to keep hold of him. He was being incredibly manipulative, projecting his own fear of abandonment onto you in order to control you. They are experts at it. Finally, I think you are absolutely spot on in your last comment: "He made it pretty clear what he found attractive…a trophy looking woman…a woman who didn’t ask a lot of him…someone who stayed out of his way and let him do his “own” thing. That was NEVER me. I’m cute, but I’m not a trophy." What you have said here sums up perfectly what I was attempting to say to you in my previous email. They are looking for a woman who is attractive to perfection, who has no needs of her own, who is happy to be picked up and put down like a toy on a toy shelf, who does not exist except when in his presence. In trying to imagine a creature that would fit this description, the following words come to mind: doll, robot, statue. This is exactly what I meant when I said they are "striving for unobtainable perfection". They are looking for a type of "woman" who simply does not exist. I feel that you concluded perfectly with your comment, "I'm not a trophy". Good for you, Tova! We are not objects. We are real women who do not fit their "stepford wives" job description - and we certainly don't aspire to. xxx

#28 May 4 - 2PM (Reply to #24)

TovaBella

Carol24

Hi Carol24, I think you really hit the nail on the head with describing how they can’t explain their reason for wanting to end things and how this would entail them having to understand themselves. I noticed that my ex-N would upset me, we would not talk for awhile and then he would say we’ll talk about it later and he would NEVER bring the issue up again. In fact, he would act as if it didn’t happen and he would never apologize (the no apology never surprised me though). He’s always viewed himself as superior (comes across this way) and says, “I think I’m a nice guy.” You also called it, he would NEVER have the guts to tell me why he walked away. In fact, he always left the door open with other women from his past. Any time any of them wanted to get serious with him (commitment wise) he would pull the old, “Look, I just got out of a seven year divorce a few years ago and I’m not wanting to commit. I think we should take some time apart because I could really see myself falling for you and I really don’t want to rush things.” He would flat out tell them this and he would then tell me (because I was supposedly his only friend…his bestfriend). It made me sick when he first used this line and I’m sure he uses it to this day. He actually tacked on to it, “Well let me know if you ever want company, I’m here for you.” That was code for let me know if you need warming up at night and want company. Horrific. You know what would hurt the most Carol24? The fact that he would say over and over again, that he would change for the right girl. Before he walked away, I told myself…that’s just not possible. He’s only telling himself this because it makes HIM feel better about treating women like objects and being the horrible N that he is. You know what, I think he actually has said it so many times that its become part of his fantasy world. A world where he’s perfect, the perfect woman of his dreams exists (he just hasn’t found her yet) and a world where women feel see how “special” he really is and will do anything to obtain him. They really are mentally disturbed. I now see his put downs were part of his control tactic. I’ll never forgive him for what he put me through or how he made me feel so bad about my body and made me question myself as a person. Carol24, I hope with all of my being that Karma bites him where it really hurts…I really do. Gosh knows if it’ll happen, but I sure hope it does. No one should be allowed to get away with making people question themselves, feel bad about their looks or where they came from…my ex-N did all of the above. He made me feel bad about the fact that I was raised by a single parent and wasn’t raised like him…he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth in an upper middle class family. I wasn’t raised similar to him, but I’m educated…put myself through college (doing it again in fact), I treat people well, I learn from my mistakes, I admit when I am wrong, I FEEL, I love friends, family, and love to enjoy life. Sounds to me like, it doesn’t really matter where you come from…if you want to be a good person all you need is to learn and step up to the plate. Thank you Carol24…you and everyone else is really helping me process everything. TovaBella

#29 May 4 - 2PM (Reply to #25)

Hunter

Tova

You Rock! You get it! Hugs Hunter

#30 May 3 - 5PM (Reply to #20)

Steph

carol24

I love everything you wrote here and thank you so much for writing them:) Awesome insight and advice! xoxo

#31 May 4 - 9AM (Reply to #21)

carol24

Thanks stayingstrong

Thanks stayingstrong! You are lovely. xxx

1
2
next
last

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews