Crying

I feel so lonely today. I´m still in bed, outside there´s a lovely weather and I know I should get up and out. But I can´t seem to muster the strength. Instead I´m crying.

I don´t miss him. I really don´t. Not him. But I miss waking up with somebody, and planning the weekend. And most of all I miss my life as it should have been.

A few weeks from now I would have been a mother. There would have been so much hope. A new life. Now there´s only me. And I feel so utterly abandoned and alone. I lost my family, the family I thought I would have.
I wish I could talk to my mother, but five years ago she was brain-injured, and lost the ability to speak. She´s like a two-year-old. My father has been a great support, but I know that it hurts him to see me so sad.
I miss my best friend. These last few weeks I´ve tried to avoid seeing her, because she´s pregnant and it hurts too much to see her belly. My therapist says avoiding her is the right thing to do. But I miss her!
I miss my old circle of friends. Almost all of them are pregnant or have new little babies. I have one really good single friend left, but these last couple of weeks she´s been avoiding me. I don´t know if I did something wrong or if she´s really busy with other stuff, but it makes me feel like I´ve been a burden.

I´m terrified that I´m missing the chance of having a family. I don´t have the strength or the desire to go out and meet someone new right now. But I´m 35 years old, and where there should have been a baby there´s just an aching emptyness. I feel like I´m standing still while everybody else are moving on. I´m back on square one, and there´s nothing I can do to change that. I´m thinking about having a baby on my own, but I know that it´s not easy. Everyday I´m fighting the stress of not having a family, the grief for my baby, the hurt of being abandoned and immediately replaced. And at the same time both of my collegues at work are leaving, and I am introducing their replacements. I´m so tired right now that I don´t know what´s up and what´s down. And that makes me an easy prey for the panic that always seems to wait behind the corner.

Sorry. I know nothing of this is new, and that I will feel better in a couple of days. I just needed to vent. Maybe I should at least get out of bed and take a shower. Thank you for listening!