dancing with devils

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#1 Mar 27 - 6PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

dancing with devils

As I read more and more of each of our stories, and read more and more posts, it is becoming ever so clear to me.........

None of us seem "dumb". Each person spells well, writes articulately, and the humor is outrageous!

How is it that none of us, not one of us, ever knew we were dancing with devils? Can these spells cast upon us ever really be totally disrupted? Why is it these people have seemingly consumed us with their facades?

Were we all vulnerable when we met these "creatures?"
I just wonder, if we all had any common thread when we were all taken in?

I admit. I'm a people pleaser. I'm also from childhood abuse, and I know that the "new" GF is too.....
Do many of you have a history of childhood abuse? Alcoholic parents? How many were pursued when married?

Mar 30 - 11AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

conned......

that's why i personally draw the line at the co-dependency nonsense...i was a real estate broker for years....and i know a little bit about CONTRACTUAL AGREEMENTS...in order for people to be CO anything....CO-OWNERS...CO-LEASERS..CO-SIGNERS...there HAS to be a agreement reached...based on HONESTY on the part of both parties...ANY agreement forged when one party has committed FRAUD is NULL AND VOID and the non fraudulent party is held BLAMELESS...i think simple contract law can be easily applied to any relationship.... i had no idea i was signing up to be a victimized...otherwise i would have signed up!!...i was DEFRAUED...he was not what he claimed to me....what he prsented himself as.... if it had been a real estate deal...and he'd shown me a lovely home for sale...that wasn't HIS but sold it to me under fraudulent circumstances....no one would accuse me of any wrongdoing or participation at all....and his sorry ass would be in jail instead of being footloose and fancy free and looking for his next con job victim........
Mar 30 - 11AM (Reply to #16)
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yup NarcNarc

that's why I certainly do not believe in the codependency argument when it comes to us who have narc/psychopath partners. Jessika
Mar 30 - 11AM (Reply to #17)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

MISREPRESENTATION.......

yep...if that bastard had sold me a house instead of HIMSELF...using that sort of WILLFUL MISREPRESENTATION, errors and omissions insurance would have kicked in...and i wouldn't be sitting in poverty.....and he'd be in the slammer.....
Mar 30 - 11AM (Reply to #18)
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Oh I know Narnarc!!

It's a shame they can't go to jail for this behavior. It is violation... abuse. I was going to try to sue mine (Intentional infliction of emotional distress)... however decided against it after speaking to an attorney friend of mine. He told me that in our state it is SOOOooooo difficult to win such a case and that the battle would likely tear me apart- esp since mine is a multimillionaire. But, gosh I want him to pay/ suffer for the big con job he pulled on me and subsequent pain... PTSD... depression... therapy bills... sleepness nights... self-help books...temporary decline in work performance... etc. Just not right!
Mar 30 - 11AM
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Gullablegirl

Yes... you will learn that being with a narc is no indication of 'lacking' or any deficiencies on the part of the victim. We were all conned... because they hide who they really are. All pathological hide. It is only after we are hooked that the mask slips and then we're in for the awful ride. WWLP really describes us very well. We tend to be exceptional women actually... with supertraits (kindness, extroversion, excitement seeking, loyalty, trusting)...we are a badass (meaning great) group of women!!! As far as intelligence... the women/men on this board from what i can tell by their verbal skills are quite intelligent. I myself have a PH.d is psychology so you can imagine my shame to have to admit i was conned by a psychopath. However, they con us in the professional arena all the time. So... when you live life as a manipulator and get with an honest, moral partner you can guess who is going to get hurt, huh? Take care, Jessika
Mar 30 - 10AM
janetc
janetc's picture

who N's go after

I also had a pretty normal upbringing. My father was from the old school, German patriarch type, but he was not an N, no affairs, no raging. He softened a LOT as he retired, spent a lot of time with his grandchildren and with me and encouraging me. My mom was wonderful and supportive. I had unconditional love. I recommend to everyone "Women Who Love Psychopaths" and it goes through many of the character traits that women share who have fallen for N's. This is NOT to say it is our fault!! The traits for the most part were very good, we are highly empathic, caring, have high relationship investment, etc. These are all good things. But, the narcissist uses these exact traits against us. Just being aware of this and being aware that excessive flattery is probably a load of BS will help in future relationships. Often, there is some emotional need we have that causes them to be attracted to us, they have a sixth sense about this and zero in on it. In my case, I had cancer at age 24 and had been told I should marry and have children sooner rather than later if I wanted them, as my doctor thought I would likely need a hysterectomy in a few years! This made me ignore some of the red flags I saw and jump into the relationship. In my case, I also was very much a "people pleaser" and a nurse, in the caring profession as well. My boundaries were almost non-existent. So, reading and learning our vulnerabilities (NOT OUR FAULT JUST TRAITS THAT MADE US MORE VULNERABLE TO THESE SICKO'S) can help us in the future. I am with Barbara that I do NOT believe we were "co-dependent" and it is wrong to try to attach blame to the victim, BUT we can learn so we are less likely to be victims again!

Janet

Mar 30 - 8AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

unacceptable....

the psychonarc's behavior was unacceptable to me from the start.the day the mask slipped..our wedding day.....i resisted..and he cranked it up a notch..i resisted more..and he cranked it up another notch..by the day i married him he had already fleeced me of my car and every cent i had in the world...and i spent the next five years trying to claw my way out of the abject poverty he forced on me in order to control me, in hopes of escaping..but once i started making some money...he changed tactics... the physical threats and intimidation began..including threats against the lives of my pets... and after years of relentless emotional and physical torture..when he sensed that i was going to try to make an escape no matter what...he set out to destroy everything...there is no doubt in my mind that he intended to drive me to suicide by mudering my dog...and when that failed, he destroyed my business..my home...all the things i would need to ever have a dencent life and provide for my pets..the only family i have...... my total annihilation was his goal..from the day he met me..i know because he would say so when he was in a rage..'i'm going to DESTROY you..when i'm through with you, you'll have nothing'... he truly is the Devil...but i wasn't dancing with him...i saw what he was early on..was repusled and sickened..it never entered my mind that he would ever change or that i could ever change him....instead i tried to placate him...to keep myself and my loved ones alive...lots of days i wished he'd just killed us all...today being one of them.....
Mar 30 - 4AM
tasha
tasha's picture

I think that we as women,

I think that we as women, have certain characteristics that Narcs look for. And yes you are right-all of the women here are very intelligent. So it's not a reflection of who we are-we were hunted by the worst kind of preditor, that used techniques like pyschological warefare-we don't expect thes things from lovers or mates! I don't think we can ever be Narc proof-but Narc resistant by learning what the red flags are and learning to be vigilant and aware. No doubt in life we will come across them again, but perhaps this time be able to recognise and not get involved with them.
Mar 30 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

traits of victims

once I get my discount on WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS 2 I will post here - you need to READ it tasha! The traits of women who get involved with pathological men and discussed at length. and I can say not ONE of the traits is BAD or something anyone should CHANGE. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 30 - 11PM (Reply to #11)
tasha
tasha's picture

:)

Will do Barbara.
Mar 30 - 6AM (Reply to #8)
Healingnow
Healingnow's picture

intelligence

Hi, Yes just look at Sandra Bullock. She has it all going for her. I think she was brainwashed. His eyes just look like that sort. So theres a perfect example of how it's done.
Mar 30 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

I agree

It's very obvious to me when I look at the Jesse James / Sandra Bullock situation. Brainwashing Hypnosis Trance Induced State Gaslighting Love Fraud I KNEW something was WAY OFF with Jesse James the first time I ever saw his face, he doesn't hide it well at all. Still can't believe she fell for him but hey, that's what love does to smart women. So sad.
Mar 28 - 4AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

devils.....

my brother is a Narc...was since childhood...spoiled, hateful, demanding...but i had little contact with him, so i don't think he influenced me much...i was 37 when i married the psychonarc...and i had never danced, nor stepped in a piece of sh!t like him....ever.... i had always gone for the laid back hippie type...artists, musicians...but i'd come the conclusion that i wanted what a lot of my friends had...the house in the country..the stainless steel appliance package..and a yuppie hubby to sip wine with as we made stir fry together on our viking range.. and the psycho led me to believe he was working toward that same kind of life.... i thought i was marrying yuppie scum....not just plain old SCUM.. and i had never been around an alcoholic...i'm sure i'd known some..but none that had ever impacted me personally...i was APPALLED by his drunken behavior.and the crazed drug use..repulsed and disgusted.. i certainly am not snow white...but i had NEVER seen anything that even came close to his behavior...ever.... i'd never been in a situation where i felt like someone wanted to and intended to murder me...until it was in my own home...with my own husband.... i'm sure i had never danced with a devil, dated a devil, or even met a devil...until the day i married Satan incarnate...
Mar 27 - 11PM
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

I had a pretty good

I had a pretty good upbringing but not much emotional guidance. I had boundaries, expectations, and loads of interesting debates around the dinner tables. But as far as learning common sense stuff about human behavior (which would lead to some common sense in choosing a mate) I had very little because my mom was such an unaware and inexperienced person when she was raising us. However, some of this is just my temperament. I am a bit gullible, I think. My sister had the same level of guidance and managed to make better choices in men. I have made chronically bad choices in men. But I am really hopeful that now that I have had this huge epiphany, that I will have concrete guidelines for future use. In the past when leaving bad relationships I just planned to "choose better" next time. I now understand that this is not an easy thing and feel like I know exactly what I need to know about a person before I choose them at all.
Mar 27 - 7PM
serene69
serene69's picture

My experience - when I was taken in

I was snared by an N, yet came from a loving and caring family, supportive, kind etc etc. My parents normal, hard-working, gregarious, living a great London lifestyle. I had a high standard of education and have a high achieving job. I wouldn't say I am a people pleaser - just kind of average really, if that makes sense. Good friends, exciting hobbies, own home etc etc. When I met my N I was feeling wonderful. Spend the summer training hard for triathlons so was feeling so fit and good and healthy. I had just been on holiday so had had a wonderful time and a great tan too! I was six months out of an 8 year relationship (but it ended amicably) and after spending that time looking after myself and enjoying being single, I thought yeah! I am ready to meet someone. Errrrrr unfortunately I met an N! So really it shows they can get us even when we are feeling our very best and confident etc etc. I fell for his show totally. Perhaps the only thing I can say is I was naive to believe everything he said, and was naive to ignore the red flags. But then I only ever knew proper healthy happy relationships, and just never in my wildest dreams knew such evil people really did exist.
Mar 27 - 6PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Response

After learning about NPD, I realize that my dad was a flaming N. Multiple affairs, rage, everyone else was stupid, incredibly charming, and everyone in the house walking on eggshells. (I did always feel loved by my father though) I definitely became a people pleaser. And maybe even inverted-N. I'm reading that book Narcissist Lovers right now. It is very good. Basically that I am wired to fall in love with a N to try to get the approval that I didn't get as a child. (my childhood wasn't all that bad. It was just a roller coaster of being very validated to be very devalued and being fearful of my father) The irony is that I made a very conscious decision not to marry a N because I didn't want to be treated like my mom was. Therefore married a very stable person with no rage or anger whatsoever, and then felt "bored" and like there was no emotional connection. The N comes along and sweeps me off my feet when I am married. I thought he was totally different than my dad - but turns out he is exactly the same. He was just younger then, but now that he is older, the rage is incredible.
Mar 27 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

loveofmylife

Narcissistic lovers book was very good. And we have a lot in common. Growing up w/ "N" becoming an inverted narcissists, married a surgeon-alot of characteristics of N traits and fell in love w/ the devil.
Mar 27 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ACONs

I am an ACON too. Many of us are. We are MAGNETS for these predators. I strongly recommend joining this group for support: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Adult-ChildrenOFNarcissits/ This is in NO WAY our FAULT!!!! We were trained in some way to "accept the unacceptable" then there's the nice people, or the religious, or the empathetic - who give EVERYONE the "benefit of the doubt" - just the IN an N is looking for! as your dad is getting older it's harder and more tiring for him to maintain the phony charm - so the REAL HIM - the primitive rage - is coming out ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims