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Dealing With My Anger

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#1 Nov 4 - 10AM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Dealing With My Anger

Xnh dumped me almost 6 months ago after literally years of verbal assaults about how I'm "holding him back" from moving near his mommy, because how my health problems were stopping xnh from having the constant "fun" he feels entitled to, because I wouldn't let his druggie P daughter back into the house to destroy any small amount of peace that his other daughter and I could find, and I found out after he left that he'd had an OW for several months before he D&D'd.

As many of you know, I'm stuck working with xnh at the same company in the office right next door to his, and I've filed a harassment complaint with my supervisors because he insisted on following me into work daily, following me into my office to say "hi" (aka, try baiting me into a fight), and making unwanted contact with me on a regular basis. After he was warned by management to have absolutely no contact with me on work property or using company resources, he left me mostly alone at work for a brief period.

Xnh then resorted to showing up at my house during this period using the excuse of telling me his hideous P daughter had managed to get pregnant by a gang member (what he was really doing was making a hoover attempt to see if he could suck me back - it failed). He called me one time after I'd been in the hospital for two days with food poisoning using the excuse of saying he hoped I was feeling better. It was another hoover attempt, and what he really wanted was to whine and cry about how he and his horrible P daughter had been the emergency room at the same hospital at the same time because the gang boyfriend had beat her up. Personally I don't give a flying crap WHAT happens to her, and xnh knows this. I promptly changed my phone to have call rejection and entered all of his numbers so that he can no longer call after this incident. His "news flashes" are completely unwanted on my part.

During the brief period after he was told to leave me alone at work, he also had blasted me as I was going into my house for changing the locks on my property. He was angry because the keys that he'd refused to return to me after the divorce no longer worked, and he can no longer just walk into my home as he pleases. None of his hoover attempts or verbal assaults have gotten reactions from me...but he's just like the "thing that won't go away" anyhow.

Xnh's latest form of harassment apparently is now back at work again. I am logging his activities and my supervisors have again been informed. He paces back in front of my office multiple times per day all puffed up with himself like some twisted rooster, and he now stands in front my office door with others talking about his personal dirty laundry (specifically his hideous P daughter). I'm positive he's doing this to be offensive to me and very "in my face". Monday, he walked past my office door, and when he noticed that my office mate wasn't at his desk, xnh called me a "b*tch" just loud enough for to hear (and no one else). I reported to it to my supervisor.

He is getting no reactions from me about any of this. I don't talk to him. I don't look at him. I don't react at all except to get up and shut my door when he stands in front of it, or put on my headphones when I hear his voice (these were both advised by my supervisor). As far as xnh knows, I'm acting like he doesn't exist. He's NOTHING.

However even though I'm not reacting, his inability to leave me alone makes me very angry. I'm sure I'm in the anger stage of this whole recovery process. I'm not sad about him. I'm don't miss him. I don't want him in my life for one second longer. I hate him. I hate what he's done to me. I hate the way that he's assaulted me with how I was "holding him back" for years about moving to be near his mommy. I also, hate that after hearing his crap for so long, HE dumped me, we've been divorced for almost 6 months, I'M NOT HOLDING HIM BACK, and he STILL won't go away. He sticks around me like stink on poop harassing me.

I guess my question to you guys is, "What can I do to NOT let him get under my skin with his infantile, harassing behavior?" He's not seeing any reactions from me, but it is STILL making me very angry. I don't want to let him have that power over me...ever again. Any suggestions?

Nov 4 - 4PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Sounds to me like it is more

Sounds to me like it is more of an internal battle you're wondering how to manage. It sounds like you have all the external stuff as in order as you can get it. But how to manage the internal reactions, so your day is not plagued with anger and frustration? That really has me thinking. I feel like all I can offer is some stuff I do (and did), which ain't much. It's mental gyrations lol, but they are soley about how to manage the internal reactions. First, re-classify his behavior as ANNOYING. That's all it really is. Yep, he's your exN and he's done so much damage to your life that it would fill a novel. But at this point, you are free of him, your life is your own, your money is your own, and he is no more than a BOTHER. This is called "reframing". It's a cognitive behavioral technique. You take a picture (a thought in this case) and put a different frame around it, a different context. The context is important. If he is ONLY an extreme annoyance, that involves different thoughts and reactions than "It is my exN, whom I have to work with, trying to torture me." It diminishes the overall effect, IOW. I say DIMINISHES. I don't know how to be a human being and NOT be affected by deliberate harassment. Just how to mitigate it. The axis on which this turns is that you CARE what he does. If you could minimize how much you care that he is deliberately harassing you, that would also help. How to not care? Ha. "There he goes again. Time to shut the door." What a pathetic loser he is. When you react with anger inside, divert your thoughts to what a MISERABLE, useless excuse for a human being he is and always will be. Pity him. It's not as difficult an emotion to shake off as getting angry. Divert your emotions DELIBERATELY away from anger. Anger is hard to shake off, as you well know. Pity or disgust are not as riveting, they do not inspire the same thought patterns. Anger is a cyclic emotion, and it grips your entire attention. Pity and disgust are better, because you even get to gloat a little bit :D , and you feel more empowered. How to DO this will take practise, like anything else. You'll spend several days or a couple of weeks grabbing yourself by the nape and forcing yourself to refocus. It's like, which wolf are you going to feed? Deliberately feed the wolf that makes you feel better. It's just as real. He IS a disgusting excuse for a man. And today, it is more TRUE that you are empowered, so empowering new ways of looking at him are more appropriate than reactive anger. Hope this helps :)
Nov 4 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Thanks Briseis. You are

Thanks Briseis. You are absolutely correct. It is my internal reactions that I'm trying to manage. I need to work on re-classifying his behavior. This is really good info, and a great help....a way for me to be pro-active and do for myself. My own anger is what is really bothering me. Xnh can be a horse's a$$ outside of my office for 5 minutes (deliberately), and it will piss me off for a couple of hours. I do care that he's harassing...but that's not going to help me. He's SO not worth the anger. However, it WOULD help me to be able to think, "What a pathetic loser. There he goes again. Time to shut the door." instead of "It is my exN, whom I have to work with, trying to torture me." You are so right, pity and disgust are more manageable than anger. I've been feeling like his actions have the power to make me angry. He's a turd, and then walks away. *I* remain angry. In essence, he's "won". Mission accomplished. I don't want to allow him to have that kind of power over me EVER again. He is such an infantile pathetic excuse for a man. I've lived with 16 years of his crap. I'm done. You're exactly right. I want to be able to manage my own emotions, and not be at the end of any "crack-the-whip" that xnh happens to throw out to hurt me. Thank you so much!!!

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Nov 4 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

That's such a poignant

That's such a poignant image. He acts like an assclown for five minutes outside your door, and you steam for an hour after. What a COMPLETE waste of time and energy. Think of what it does to your body? Your body is already dealing with a lot. I thought about "he won", too. This is exactly what he wants. Somehow, if you could burst out laughing at something when he is outside acting like an asshat. Or pretend you are talking to someone you REAAAAALLLLY like :D on the phone. Perhaps shutting the door in his face has been "good enough" supply for him to egg him on. Wonder what would happen if you left the door open and looked at LOLZ or Icanhascheeseburger or whatever makes you giggle or snort. You could almost get to the point of looking forward to the opportunities to DENY him his pleasure :D
Nov 4 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

That's really poetic!!!

That's really poetic!!! Talking to someone I REAAAAALLLLY like on the phone. Lol. What a great idea! I may seriously give that a try. I know it would TOTALLY piss him off to be outside my door just to harass me, have me be on the phone talking all happy, and for him to hear me say, "Well talk to you later, babe. I love you. Bye." According to his twisted perspective, HE is the only one that is supposed to have someone else, and be "happy" (or in his case, pretend to be happy). It's alright for him to have an OW while he's still married to me. However, I'm supposed to pining away about his D&D, in a complete state of emotional devastation, while he waltzes happily onward. Maybe doing something like that would keep him away from my office door for a while. rofl.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Nov 4 - 3PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Thank guys for your

Thank guys for your responses. If xnh continues along this nasty path of harassment, I will do something about it (soon). I'm really tired of being upset because of him on a daily basis, while I'm doing nothing more than sitting at my desk doing my job. I refuse to live my life in misery any longer because of him. I've already done that for 16 years. He dumped me, and I'm going on with my future WITHOUT him in it...one way or another. I am documenting everything, and I am keeping my supervisor updated. Yes, it is harassment pure and simple. For someone that dumped ME, he certainly has an inability to go away and just LEAVE me alone. A$$hole. When I'm home, I have a burglar alarm system on my house, and I own two very large dogs that live inside with me. Both the house and the dogs are NOT quiet in the slightest, and I always know if someone approaches. Xnh has already been warned that I intend to call the cops on him, if he returns to my property. My sister had to place a restraining order on her ex years ago, so I'm familiar with how those work. If xnh keeps harassing me, I may well go that route. I had never heard of a No Contact order until it was mentioned in your posts. I am researching it now, and it is available to me in my state. I'll use whatever it takes to make xnh exit my life...permanently. I, also, like the punching the pillow idea. Right after the D&D, I was taking exercise classes several nights a week. They seemed to help me vent my anger quite a lot...then I broke my ankle and couldn't go any longer. After 10 weeks, I just got my cast off yesterday (YES!!!) so maybe soon, I'll be able to start classes again. However, xnh is still being an obnoxious, harassing puke while we're at work, and I having to cope with it. He's not getting the privilege of seeing how angry I am at him, but I need to find a way to not be consumed by my own anger as well. I'd LIKE to punch him in the face for breathing (THAT would vent some anger), but I suppose that's not really an acceptable solution. lol.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Nov 4 - 11AM
ihavethecandy
ihavethecandy's picture

what hell!

That is just horrible! How can he take time from his job to harrass you at yours? Just nuts. He is making a fool of himself. Have you thought about getting a restraining or no contact order through the court? Keep documenting everything. This is harrassment, pure and simple. You have every right to be angry! You should be! You can't let him see it, of course, because that would just feed his ego. Don't let him see that it affects you. Find another way to get that anger out. I scream into my pillow and punch the bed sometimes. Better than giving my energy to him!!
Nov 4 - 11AM
jen79
jen79's picture

Mystwoman

There is a difference between being stuck in anger, and anger as a appropriate life saving reaction to a current event. Your N is stalking you, and it is creepy and dangerous too. So I dont think you are stuck in anger, I think you have a proper reaction to a dangerous and creepy situation. Dealing with it so it goes away might be dangerous for you, cause its there for a purpose, to safe you. I'd rather suggest you to channel that anger into the right direction like a (how do you call that in english again) restrain order? or restriction order, you know what I mean, this thing that he is not allow to come near to you than 100 miles, somthing like this.