disappearing act

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#1 Jan 18 - 11AM
Hearts544
Hearts544's picture

disappearing act

i read on here where alot of you have dealt with the N continuing to contact you, regardless of whatever boundaries you are trying to set with him. In my situation, he has gone completely silent. At one point he would call or well he was a texter. But i just wonder has anyone every experienced a complete fall off the face of the earth?

Jan 23 - 12PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

best thing that could happen

best thing that could happen when im done with the arrangements with this narc im holding a burning ceremony and I'm gonna burn every single piece of shit that he left. im just so glad i dont share any children with him.
Jan 22 - 10AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

The silent treatment

is, I believe, one of the most horrible things you can do to a person who loves you. I am seriously on the brink of losing it again. He left a note on my car two weeks ago saying he loved me but will not ackknowledge my existence in public. Talking about making you feel like you're losing your mind. I find myself wishing I'd kept the note because I actually wonder if I imagined it being there! It's crazy and unbelieveably abusive.
Jan 23 - 4PM (Reply to #34)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

HELLDWELLER

your Ex is really one for the psychology books and I thought mine was BAD....I cannot get over the way HIS lordship is banishing you, all the while loving you, how magnamous of HIM.
Jan 23 - 12PM (Reply to #32)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Helldweller

This will go on until YOU decide that it won't go on any longer. As long as you keep responding in any way to his attempts to rope you back in, you are still involved with him. You will ALWAYS be involved with him. You will NEVER be free to live your life if you both keep playing this game. And you know he will never end this game, so it is up to you. He will keep this game going forever as long as you play along. He has nothing to lose, so it is still a game to him. However, it is NOT a game to you. This is your life, your sanity. You need to make the choice to not respond to him in any way. Until you do, you will continue to lose your life and sanity until there is absolutely nothing left.
Jan 23 - 12PM (Reply to #33)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Miss Vulcan you are right

Miss Vulcan you are right on! Helldweller he's dead and invisible to you. It has to be that way or you will never be free.
Jan 22 - 12PM (Reply to #31)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Helldweller he is trying to

Helldweller he is trying to break you. Don't give in to it. He is trying to regain dominance over you. There is no sweeter supply than making an attractive woman lose her mind over you. You do it right back to him. His biggest fear Is that he doesn't exist
Jan 22 - 11AM (Reply to #30)
really
really's picture

Next time, don't even read

Next time, don't even read it. It's only causing you pain and he's only going it to keep you confused. You know he doesn't mean it by the way he treats you in public. No man who actually loved a woman would treat her like that. I know it's hard, but, next time, give HIM the silent treatment by ripping it up and throwing it away before reading it. A**hole.
Jan 22 - 7AM
anonymous
anonymous's picture

The Silent Treatment

Yes - the silent treatment is classic, especially for the cerebral narcs. It's hard when you're the recipient of it. And I'll admit, sometimes I feel bad when I read so many stories on here from women whose ExN's won't leave them alone. My ExN is giving me the silent treatment. But he is still lurking in the shadows with infrequent but sufficient contacts with mutual friends so that it's inevitable that I hear something about him. I'm glad I don't hear directly from him but I hate that I hear indirectly from him because every time I do, it triggers me. I wish he would truly fall off the face of the earth. I wish he would leave me the hell alone, even indirectly. But wishing this stuff still keeps the power with him.
Jan 22 - 6AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Hearts

My exn is so afraid of women, he told me that years ago, that he could not end 15 freaking years in a civilized manner and was too scared to come back and get his belongings or God forbid, leave me his new phone number so I could reach him and ask him to get his stuff, that is about as scared and cowardly as you can get!!!In the deep recesses of his mind he knows I think what a ogre he is but will never face it even on his deathbed, he has cancer, two forms.
Jan 19 - 11AM
really
really's picture

Yes, I have had experience

Yes, I have had experience with both. He's fallen off the face of the earth at times. He's come back sorry at times. Whatever best meets his needs at the time is what he would do. There is no continuity in their thinking. And just because he's silent, doesn't mean that he's "gone". It just means that right now, he's silent.
Jan 19 - 3PM (Reply to #25)
Hearts544
Hearts544's picture

scary thought

thats kind of a scary thought to think that with him disappearing off the face of the earth, that he could possibly be back. but so true!
Jan 19 - 5PM (Reply to #26)
really
really's picture

Just be sure you're ready if

Just be sure you're ready if it ever does happen. The first time I was caught off-guard, so flattered, completely swept away, believed everything he said, and totally fell into the trap. I thought, "Here's a guy who really thought things through. He was scared and now he's not. He's ready to really be with me. He decided I AM important to him." Nope. That's not how it goes with an N. It took me a long time to accept the fact that it never would be how I saw that it could be.
Jan 18 - 6PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yep we all know my

yep we all know my situation. He disappeared for two weeks last february and we usually talked several times a day. after two weeks nc with me he txtd back in the states tuesday love you. WTF? Then two months silent treatment this past summer and when I told him he had 30 min to go to facebook and get whatever pics he wanted because I was closing my account that I just couldnt take it anymore he finally spoke up and said dont make a bad mean decision. and now its been three months. he hasnt spoken to me since oct 10th and I think this was the final discard though one never really knows for sure.
Jan 18 - 4PM
booboo35
booboo35's picture

Why do they disappear,??

Why do they disappear,?? when you have caught them doing something wrong do you think?? My ex N used to do the same for days on end maybe a couple of weeks then come back like nothing had happened, Its like being on a rollercoaster, My ex N was good at giving me the silent treatment as well, Or blanking me on his mobile phone. These scum bags are seriously deranged, XXX

STAY STRONG!! XX

Jan 19 - 10AM (Reply to #19)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

booboo and others

They disappear because they are cowards and can't take responsibility for anything: the relationship, good or bad, stuff they have done, whatever. Mine is gone, too. My pleas, begging him to talk about what happened? To explain? REassuring him that I wasn't going to get mad, wasn't going to blame, that I just wanted to talk and be civil so we could walk on the same street? Nope. I caught him in about ten thousand lies over the course of four years. The only solution in their juvenile minds? Run away. It reminds me of when I was six and I tried to pour a glass of milk from one of those big old cardboard gallons. Well, the whole thing ended up all over the kithcen table and floor. I went right out the back door and down the alley and I sat down in someone's gangway and stayed there for about six hours. I heard everyone calling and calling for me, looking for me. I found out later that they even thought maybe I'd been taken from the house because no matter how much they called I didn't answer. I even heard my mom crying out of fear as she called for me, begging me to come in, that she didn't care what I'd done, didn't care, wouldn't get mad, just wanted to see me again. I didn't say a word, didn't move. I was six, and that's what six year olds do when they do something wrong. They run away and hide and don't come out, no matter how much fear and agony they've caused, and even when they are forgiven. They're too scared, too guilty, and they don't have the maturity to act rationally.
Jan 20 - 4PM (Reply to #22)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Helldweller - that's a

Helldweller - that's a really good way of putting it. At the end of my relationship, mine disappeared every time I called him out on his crap. He'd come back, I'd call him on his disappearance the last time and ask him why we were over, he'd disappear again. He'd come back again, I'd call him on the latest disappearance and ask him again why we were over, he'd disappear again. I think he eventually caught on that I wasn't going to let it go and he was going to have to answer for his actions if he kept it up, so he took off - for good, I thought. And then he sent one-line holiday greeting e-mails in November and December, with no responses to my cordial "how are you?" replies. I guess he's still not ready to chance facing the music. But he's not gone. Like someone else said, he's just gone silent.
Jan 19 - 3PM (Reply to #21)
Hearts544
Hearts544's picture

Cowards is right, couldnt

Cowards is right, couldnt have found a better word, and the sad thing is all the N would have to do is be honest and upfront and it would save a lot less turmoil. but that would be too easy right?
Jan 19 - 11AM (Reply to #20)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Runaway

The ex-Psych professor would say that running away when things got uncomfortable was his philosophy. The last words I heard him speak, when I was trying to get him accountable, was "YOU acted inappropriately." Still blame-shifting. Even in the end. I had told him that if he mentioned he already had a girlfriend, he would've spared me a lot of pain. I added to it telling him that his own students considered him a jerk. His favorite character in "War and Peace" is Prince Andrei, who's depicted as macho/masculine. Prince Andrei runs away from everything. When his wife is pregnant&afraid she'll die in childbirth, he runs off to war. When he gets engaged, he runs away. Since Prince Andrei fears being ridiculed... he runs away. In the senior skit, the ex-P was depicted as running away... and he literally ran away when it happened. He liked seeing his colleagues ridiculed, but he couldn't bear taking the ridicule. The sad irony was in the end, I was the one who ran away. I was the one who didn't give him my home address-tho he begged for it. I was the one who left New Mexico without telling soul. He didn't get a good-bye from me.
Jan 19 - 8AM (Reply to #17)
momoya
momoya's picture

The do it because they want to.

Not to sound simple but they want to disappear on us. They want to frustrate us and find our weakness so they can exploite us. With the EXN I could see that something was seriously wrong with him, not because I wanted him to be wrong but because he was acting so strangely that obviously something was going on, he did a complete 180. The day before telling me he loved me and the next day wouldn't speak or touch me, for no reason. He tried to start arguments because I asked questions. He was evading and using projection to distract me from the fact he was married! The selfishness they show is extreme. I have never met anyone that lied to me from the start, nor have I ever knowlingly been with a married man. He violated all of my personal, moral and emotional boundaries just for a quick roll in the sack, and some really good supply. It must of been really good supply for him to fly across the nation to see me and actively lie to me, knowing he was married. It took a long, long time for me to accept the truth. When he dissapeared he meant to hurt me, he meant it to hurt me. He wanted to hurt me. He knew I wasn't dumb, and that I was suspecting something was wrong. He still lectured me and made me feel bad, by looking at his phone, he lectured me and left inthe middle of the night. I was never able to speak with him again, even after finding the truth, he still will NOT own it or speak to me. He is a coward. The last few days he didn't have the energy to keep up his false facade with me, and his empty self was obvious, and scarey. I have never seen a person so void, flat, distant. The dissapearance and silent treatment is all about discarding and cutting off communication is purposefully hurtful. It is a very subtle form of abuse, but it is still abuse.

momoya

Jan 22 - 7AM (Reply to #18)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Momoya - You Could Be Me

I could have written these exact words. They are all the same.
Jan 18 - 4PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

HEARTS 544

Mine did the ultimate disappearing act when he left for another state after we talked about moving there together, he left a ton of his possession at my place which I was faithfully storing for him, changed his phone number,never told me, of course, this was after we talked about my flying for a visit to see him and he could not wait to see me. It all stemmed I believe from a letter i sent him asking why the relationship was so unbalanced, i think he hada feeling I was "onto him", because I was "questioning" his lordship so that was the beginning of the end, PS he never came back for his stuff, rather than face me what a coward and wimp he is a frightened scared little boy inside who is terrified of all women.his mother did a number on HIM!
Jan 18 - 3PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Yep

Mine's done the disappearing act repeatedly. I notice he's particularly good at doing it when I've deflected all the gaslighting and got him bang to rights on something really nasty he's said or done, at which point he'll vanish, I suspect in order to punish me. Unfortunately that's backfiring big time this time because I've gone NC.
Jan 18 - 3PM
apple
apple's picture

Hi hearts!!

Mine would pull the disappearing act ALL the time. The one thing I could always count on though was his return. It could have been a month of silent treatment and then he would pop up and act like he had just talked to me five minutes ago. I never wanted to look crazy or jealous so I always acted like I didn't care/notice. Big mistake on my part. Now the tables have turned except when I pull a disappearing act its not to play games or mess with his head. ITS FOR GOOD!!!! Moral of the story is... You are not crazy!!! Don't let him see you sweat it and if your lucky he will be gone for good. Even though right now its hard to see. Hang in and be strong!! XxA
Jan 18 - 2PM
JRB123
JRB123's picture

best they've gone but it still hurts

The first N I met in my 20s vanished all the time. It was on and off for about 2 years with him vanishing in between for long periods. Then he finally vanished for what I thought was for good - I was heartbroken and suffered anxiety and depression, PTSD, realised I'd been used badly. He miracously reappeared when I had first met my husband. He must've heard I'd met someone and he phoned me up to ask me to a party. I never went thankfully - although I do sometimes wonder what would've happened if I'd gone! The recent cyberpath N was in online contact with me nearly every day for about 3 months. Then gone - just like that - whoosh and he vanished. I sent him one message and got no response. I would've been quite happy with a 'sorry can't do this' - that would've been enough for me, at least it conveys some basic respect and manners. Sadly I have to see him quite alot. Initially I tried to rise above it all and be chilled and smile or say hello to him but now I don't want to, so as much as I can I am avoiding him to try and get him out of my life to move on. Just wish I could get him out of my head! It definately is some sort of control thing with them. I understand how hard it is. We want them gone but at the same time we pine for them (or for the person they pretended to be).
Jan 18 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

This is an example of a

This is an example of a full-out discard. Some Narcs do this, and like Agnes says below, new supply for them means you never existed at all. The chances of him suddenly showing up in the future are huge, because he will burn through each source of supply and will inevitably have periods where he's actively fishing for it. It's good to know this so you won't be caught off guard (please BE on guard!). Him showing up at a later date professing "I didn't know what I had until I lost it" or some other revolting drivel is NOT an expression of love. People who love you don't fall off the face of the planet in the first place, and especially they don't show up later making excuses and professing undying love. Then the rest of us have the pleasure of "Cling-on Narcs", otherwise known as Dingleberry Narcs. They cling to your backside and it takes an act of God to get rid of them (in my case, a restraining order and multiple times of calling 911 and enforcing it). Either way, a Narc is a Narc is a Narc. The Dingleberry variety does not "love" you "more" than the ones who drop you and forget about you. They aren't "lesser" Narcs, or more "workable" Narcs. They are just the same disease with a different symptom.
Jan 18 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

"Cling-on Narc" is great!

"Cling-on Narc" is great! Unfortunately, that's what I have the "pleasure" of xnh being. He is a true Dingleberry. I tend to picture xnh as a zombie. To me, he is dead. In my mind, xnh is this gross rotting thing that I still see walking down the halls here at work, and he's trying to destroy the living. Oh, how I wish I could put him out of MY misery. rofl.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jan 18 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

My ex is definitely not a

My ex is definitely not a narc, then. When I refused to be friends, when I blocked him on Facebook as soon as he opened an account, as soon as I stopped contacting him, he left me alone. He's not going to find another girl, nor has he, I don't think. Trust me, if you knew him you'd know why the mere thought is laughable. I'm only the third girl he's ever dated in his almost 32 years, and the other two dumped him pretty quickly. He's not good looking at all. No one can see how on earth I loved him. I can't either anymore. He's never going to come back, whether he finds someone else or not. He's too scared of me, and he definitely should be. I held back my anger at things he did for six years, and I have a feeling he knows that now that the spell is broken, I would completely unleash on him. In the very end, I discarded his sorry ass, not the other way around.
Jan 18 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

HE might have some other

HE might have some other personality disorder then? Three dates in his life and 32 years old? SOmething ain't right. Narcs have a way of coming back, that may distinguish them from other PDIs.
Jan 18 - 1PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Yup!

He's 110% engaged with a new supply source & does not need you for anything. If, for some reason, the new source goes dry, or reduces its production of supply, he will be back.
Jan 18 - 11AM
momoya
momoya's picture

yes

Hi Hearts, yes, I experienced the dissapearing act and the silent treatment. These are designed and implemented to purposely hurt the person being "shut out" and discarded. I did not have the normal D&D with my exN, rather I was right about to find out the truth about him, and I asked him a few quesitons that he didn't appreciate. Instead of answering him, he shut down, and lectured me on my "trust" issues. He then went on to tell me not to contact him again until he contacted me. But he never contacted me again. I eventually came to found out that he is married, and a seriel cheater, and also a Narc. It has been really painful. Do a lot of research on Narc's. The silent treatment is a very abusive tool. He used it to keep me at a distance and thought it would prevent me from learning the truth. It also allowed him to escape any kind of accountablity and he enjoyed abandoning me and hurting me. He would call and text me all the time before that, and suddenly he was no where to be found, refused my calls. Funny how it all could of been cleared up with him just being honest, but that would not of caused as much pain would it?

momoya