Do some Ns REFUSE to let you GO?

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#1 Mar 31 - 10AM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Do some Ns REFUSE to let you GO?

My alleged "N" also has disarmed my three attempts to leave the marriage, successfully by planting self doubt about whether it was good for the kids to break apart the family. Then telling me I would ruin them FOREVER and how selfish I was for even thinking I should leave. Did he stand infront of the door? No. Take away my car keys? No (although he has ripped, I mean RIPPED things out of my hands before when he insists HE do something, I say "no, fine ive got it" he will rip or take whatever it is Im holding, phone, keys, etc. and do it himself as if to say "YOU WILL OBEY ME." ) gross.

No, he didnt physically stand in my way to leave. He waited. He waited until I was out on my own and scared, and then proceeded to call me at all times of the night and day, show up at where I was staying, etc. and do things out of charater for the relationship,like be attentive and buy me and our daughter flowers for Valentines day (He "forgets" mother's day EVERY YEAR) or have SEX with me (he withholds sex for MONTHS at a time).

Could someone plz give me some insight on this? Im getting ready to leave FOR GOOD FOR EVER and would appreciate some tactics on this matter.

Apr 27 - 8PM
startnew (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks again!

Thanks everyone! I can see why I should just go for it. I am just stuck on will he be less pushy about our son (it's all a show to him so he can get attention and seem so wonderful) if he thinks that I will maybe still get back together with him someday? Divorce will be such a blow to him (and his family, cause they are very conservative---religious) and I am anxious about how they will handle things about our son... Okay, so as I write this I think I see the other angle...why should I put off the inevitable? And shouldn't I be caring more about myself...? Hmmmm...I just don't know!!!!
Apr 27 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes!

why should I put off the inevitable? And shouldn't I be caring more about myself...? EXACTLY!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Apr 1 - 8AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Silvascript

I too have kids with a pathological so I know exactly where you are coming from. They often don't physically abuse but as you know, the verbal & emotional abuse can be devastating to their children (take it from me - my mother was an N) Sandra Brown, MA's newsletter has some information on Parenting with a Pathological: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/category/theparents/behavior-counts And you, like me, will probably need to have the kids examined by a psychologist to decide visitation & custody. Mine has never ever physically abused the kids but, as one of mine told the examiner "He's mean, nasty and calls me names." BTW, if your kids aren't getting outside therapy - make sure they do while this is going on. Your pediatrician should be able to recommend someone. There's also a new spot on Brown's free forum for People Parenting with a Pathological: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/forum/ Take advantage of all information and hang in there. ~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!" - A. Valerious
Mar 31 - 8PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Silvascript

Yes, you know what you must do. Think about the horrible effect he will have on your children if you continue to stay in this marriage. The behavior they will learn from him is unacceptable. You do not want them to model his behavior and you certainly don't want to subject them to the arguments I'm sure the two of you get in as a result of his narcissism. He is toxic and the further away you and your children can get from him, the better. Trust me, he is destroying each of you slowly, but surely. You don't even realize how much damage he has done because you're too close to the situation right now. Get away and when you look back, you will know you did the right thing. Do not allow him to make you feel guilty - this is his manipulation at work. Ignore it. Leaving him is the courageous and strong thing to do to protect you and your kids. Staying in a relationship with a man who will never change is the easier thing to do. Breaking free and re-creating your life for you and your children takes a lot of strength and courage and I know you can do it! Stay strong and reach out to us for support whenever you need.
Mar 31 - 7PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wash that man right outta your hair

Um... ok you probably see I am into 'tough love' here. So let me ask you some tough questions: WHY did he have your new phone number? WHY did he know where you were? WHY did you answer the phone? If you leave - unlisted phone number, NO KEY to your place for him, DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE YOU ARE, if he finds you call the police, all emails BLOCKED all IMs blocked all text messages unanswered (save for police if he harasses you). If he finds you call police and return all mail/ notes UNOPENED & RETURN TO SENDER. Leave when he is NOT AROUND and do not tell him you are going. If you can't do this, have a friend (preferably male) or family member help you pack and move out. Be SURE They give him no clue as to where you are and if he tries to follow you - drive to the nearest police station and go in a tell them your ex is following you and could they drive you to your new home and make sure he doesn't follow. You may want to go to a DV Crisis Center (don't tell the receptionist your whole story!!) ask to see an advocate ASAP and tell them you need to develop an exit plan. They should be happy to help you. Get into counseling, even if its group at a DV Center at least short term to keep you on track to shutting this exploitive abusive cretin out of your life. I guarantee in about 4 months COMPLETELY away from him you'll start to feel better and in 12 months you will be a different person. It hurts at first but this is like surgery. Get him GONE. ~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!" - A. Valerious
Apr 1 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Silvascript (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Washing hair..

Well, Im all for wartime tactics. BUT, as he has not laid an abusive HAND to the kids, until I go through the court proceedings to "prove" he is some kind of danger to the kids, I cannot keep him from contacting them. If I cut off all contact whatsoever without court permission, I am in danger of losing them myself. You cant just run away with your kids and hide like that unless there has been substantiated physical abuse, or I could prove he is on drugs which he is not. That's what makes psychological and verbal abuse the most dangerous - there is no immediate protection. I hear everything you're saying. Im not against hanging the phone up in his face when the conversation turns south, having someone WITH me when or if I have to run into him. BUT, I cant just take off in the dark night and disappear. Not while we share kids and not before the court sees fit to give me sole custody. Im keeping this advice though, as I can see it would be necessary after my legal protections are in place. Thanks, Barbara!
Apr 27 - 3AM (Reply to #3)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Won't Let Go

I was with a narcissist for 25 years. We have 3 children who are still at home. I understand your dilemma. This is what I did, which has been very painful, but relatively sucessful. 1.I told him to leave, he refused at first, but then moved in with our friends(of course he lied to them & they no longer speak to me, oh well) 2. During this process I kept a calendar of who had the kids when and kept good financial records. I also made copies of credit card statements, retirement accounts, bank statements, mortgage statements, etc. 3.I hired a good attorney and filed for separate maintenance. This means legal separation with custody and child support decisions made. 4. During this time I was pleasant about child issues, buy I stuck to the court-ordered visitation schedule, continued to keep good records, and changed the locks. I hung up the phone when he yelled at me, didn't let him in the house, didn't let him back in my bed or in my heart. 5. I set back and waited for him to make an add of himself, which has happened over and over again. Good luck, stay strong, you will make it through. Think of your kids.
Apr 27 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
startnew (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks

I found your post helpful. I keep going back and forth between divorce and separation agreement. I am not going back and forth because I might want to get back together with him, but because I am thinking of my son. I think that my husband will react better to the separation agreement than a divorce. He is painting a crazy picture of me to friends and family and now he has become a saint who is willing to "wait" for me as long as it takes. He is filled with patient love---blah!!! Anyways, I am thinking that going for a separation agreement will feed into his "story" and be a bit calmer, etc... Does this sound like a good plan based on your experience? My number one priority is my son (13 months) and he is the reason I finally got out. I want things to be best for him...best they can be in this crappy situation... Thanks for your advice-
Apr 27 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

I did the separation first

I did the separation first for two reasons: 1. Financial-- as a recent breast cancer survivor, I needed his insurance. I wasn't covered at my job because his was superior coverage. I have been able to stay on it bc we are still married. He didn't have grounds to divorce me, so this made more sense for me financially. 2. I wasn't emotionally ready for divorce. It has taken a VERY long time for me to grieve the end of my 25-year relationship and 15-year marriage. I was totally in love with him for many years and I had to do it my own way. Just as you will too. I have been completely shocked by his behavior to our kids. He doesn't even want to see them much because they get in the way of his selfish pursuits. Good luck with your decision and dont rush into anything just because of what others think.
Apr 27 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

divorce

there is NO way to 'ease into it' with a Narc. No 'gentler' way. No other way. Nope. Sorry. I tried the separation with exNH - because I felt at the time, he was still a decent enough person to let it go. WRONG! I was subjected to more smear, projection, stalking, harassment and use of lawyers & the law to harass & harangue me. LOADS of good stuff for you here: http://divorcinganarcissist.com/blog1/ NEVER NEVER do separation with an N. PLEASE Go right to divorce. No questions asked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Apr 27 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Not sure...

Not sure how to advise you on this, but my gut says if you know you're done to cut him loose, and go for the divorce. He is going to react like an ass either way, best to only do your communicating through your attorney too. If you cut off his supply - 'you', he'll likely end up making a fool out of himself all on his own. He's going for the friends and family sympathy ploy...already - trying to feed his supply this way as well! Some just won't get it, but tell your family NOT to indulge him in any conversations whatsoever. Again, this is just my 2 cents, you may want to get legal counsel - someone who has experience with such circumstances.