Does anyone else accept that he really never loved you?

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#1 Oct 9 - 10AM
Nicole96's picture

Does anyone else accept that he really never loved you?

I think i have avoided this topic for some time now... but yesterday i allowed myself to read old journals from the first 5 years of our 9 year relationship... i saw so many things that are really hard to take right now. It is a real shock to let this concept sink in... how could he really not love me after all that time!? 9 yrs with a man i loved but he didnt love me? At all? He just used me!? And he lied to me to make me think he did!? Huge lies! things to trap me and make me stay with him!

In the past i had documented things that i thought showed he loved me but now armed with the npd knowledge it is easier to see that they are truly statements or acts that only show how needy he was or how in need he was of me loving him!

"Never leave me"
"You mean everything to me"
"You make me so happy"
"Are you going to propose to me? Propose to me" (i actually did this 5 years later and he freaked out... he never wanted to marry me he just wanted me to want him...)
"Please don't ever leave me"
"Promise you'll never leave me"
"Id be crushed without you"
"Will you love me forever?"

none of these reflect how he loves me for who i am or what i have to offer him (besides the love he needs to take from me)... i totally misread them!

the rest would only mean something if he followed through...

"im committed to you forever"
"im married to the idea of being with you the rest of my life"
"i will never regret you"
"i will never question our relationship again"
(any plans for kids & a full life together which he promised up until the month before he abandoned me for the search for "the female version of himself only better" since according to him we are no longer compatible.

Additionally there is a very clear pattern of his seeing me as secondary NS. Work, friends and such were clearly more important to him even if he was good at hiding it. HE WAS A VERY VERY SUCCESSFUL NARCISSIST. He was self aware enough to know what would be acceptable and not... he hid his true agenda and hid it very well...although it is clear in my journals that deep down i knew! I knew and spelled it out all the time but my denial and my pain kept me trapped.

I am angry. I am angry at him. I am angry at myself. 9 years... But still... i think he knew and didn't tell me. I think he was self aware enough to know he was using me that he is incapable of love but then his denial kicks in... he refuses to accept he has problems and then projects it onto me... D&D!

Oct 15 - 6AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

To answer the question...

I wholeheartedly accept he never loved me. Knowing what I know, playing the tapes in my head...what other conclusion can I come to? His actions and the documentation are a complete match! I have no other choice BUT to accept that he never loved me. His loss although he doesn't "feel" it. Not mine though. Just need to go through the steps. The pain isn't from him being gone, its from shock that such people exist. It's the stunning reality that evil does exist, and it shows up articulate, charming, smelling good and all that other jazz. I expected to see horns and a tail. Eventually I'll get over it. The shock of being disillusoned by LIFE...that we were set up for very false expectations. That we are raised to believe in MYTHS...that all we believed in is an illusion and society as a whole is developing more and more peverse... That there is no Mr. Right out there - it's a sham. That is my Reality...I don't believe it's an illusion.
Oct 15 - 9AM (Reply to #56)
Nicole96's picture

Ugh, this is where i am

"The pain isn't from him being gone, its from shock that such people exist. It's the stunning reality that evil does exist, and it shows up articulate, charming, smelling good and all that other jazz. I expected to see horns and a tail." (unfortunately i couldn't assume his horns were real... in High School & one point later he cut his hair to have devil horns!) I'm struggling to accept the horror of it all... i have never been exposed to such evil, let alone come to realize i let it share/take my life for 9 years! AND he will continue to hurt me and others the rest of his life! All of this shakes our belief in love, and our ability to trust... When he was abandoning me i kept telling him "How can i trust anyone again??!!!" His response "But i didn't cheat on you" He is so clueless to all the damage he has done to me over the years... he sees no inconsistency in his actions or words, to him it is all either justified or it didn't happen...
Oct 17 - 5AM (Reply to #57)
jen79's picture

Accepting that they never really love us

I have to say, the biggest shock for me was that the evil is coming in sheep clothes. And that it exists. That was so traumatizing me, that I nearly had a nervous breakdown. The bad part was, I was already dating again when I realized he is evil, and I cannot explain to anybody what I went through, cause they dont understand. Not even my bf at this time did, nor do any of my friends really get it, they like me, they try to understand it, but deep down they just think I am a little bit crazy. And my family thinks I just have depressions and I am not able to let go. Sometimes I wish they'd understand, but I wouldnt like them to experience this. And the contact yesterday reminded me again, how incredible good actors they are. Everyone would fall for this.
Oct 14 - 11PM
M's picture

N's and love

I gave my xNh love. He didn't love me back. He has no idea how to love. He says he loves our daughter---but we all know it's only a show to the public. The truth will come out.
Oct 17 - 6AM (Reply to #54)
Alive's picture


i do hope so M about the truth coming out.....
Oct 14 - 6PM
neverlookback's picture


Not only was it a shock and still is to accept he never loved ME, I still find it shocking that they cant grow to love someone they are with and live with for 10-20 years. NOTHING, they can leave and FEEL NOTHING, no remorse, no sadness. Its the same exact sick minds murderers are locked up for who feel NOTHING for their victims, they can kill then sit down to a breakfast. This is what we are dealing with, so why is is such a shock to me still they can kick us to the curb and FEEL NOTHING for all the love and devotion we gave them. Guess its a good thing I will never understand and accept the sick mind
Oct 13 - 8PM
Amazed's picture

When they tell you "I love you" I want to spend my life with you

This is all garbage. They say this, anything to get you into bed. Not kidding. Doens't matter if you have kids, family, whatever. They tell you the most serious stuff, just to string you along. That involves living at your house, lying their a** off to your FAMILY and co-workers if need be, getting joint checking accounts, helping you take care off the house, pets, whatever. They don't love you. They don't love anyone. Not even their kids. They "provide" for them if it is affordable, and they look good. Beyond that, they have no love. Check out what they have done to you and others, and you will realize there is not love. Get away from them asap They are evil
Oct 13 - 10PM (Reply to #49)
ClusterF's picture

It's not only bed

Sometimes the motive is far more sinister.
Oct 14 - 7PM (Reply to #50)
Amazed's picture

Exactly, they want to see you suffer

I think you are right ClusterF, do you agree that indeed the motive is far more sinister, like they really want to see you suffer... Is that what you mean when "sometime the motive is far more sinister"
Oct 14 - 8PM (Reply to #51)
Susan32's picture

Wanting to see others suffer

That's what's painful for me to face. The ex-Psych professor WANTED to see me suffer. That's not right within the teacher/student relationship, it's twisted. He makes my Narc grandmother and my former Narc boss look saintly. When I declared my love to the ex-P, I had never been with someone so emotionally sadistic. Even when a friend of mine died during the D&D, he pulled out all the stops. Flaunt the girlfriend, reduce me to tears, the endless lectures. If a NORMAL guy isn't interested and/or already has a girlfriend, he says so. He keeps it short&sweet. He doesn't endlessly lecture because he's enamored with his voice. The ex-P's favorite novel is "War and Peace." His favorite character is Prince Andrei, who purposefully causes his wife Princess Lise and his fiancee Princess Natasha suffering. Even when he's dying, he is cold and callous to his friends&family. He's dismissive of human emotions, even when he's facing the end of his life. And, to show how deluded Narcs are, Andrei believes he embodies divine, eternal Love. Despite his callous treatment of Natasha (he causes her to lose love of life), it's he who forgives her when he's dying, not the other way around. He admits to having treated Lise badly. Prince Andrei considers most humanity "contemptible and worthless"-and Leo Tolstoy accurately describes Andrei's life as a living death. He's the walking dead looong before he gets fatally wounded. And Andrei is so deluded that he gets angry when Marya and Natasha are weeping as he dies, he forbids them from crying. Then he says how he believes he'll be assimilated back into divine Love when he dies. Andrei talks talks and talks about divine, eternal Love yet he certainly doesn't ACT it.
Oct 13 - 8PM
Janet's picture

Very much so. I fit the

Very much so. I fit the bill at the time, someone else is doing that now. Peace. J

Peace. J

Oct 13 - 8PM
lisalisa47's picture

HOWEVER, before the advent of PYSCHO" MAN

and when he was sick, it WAS a bit different. One day at one of the many hospital trips we went on together...i parked the car and left him in the lobby, as i was walking in he looked up and said "You always make me smile"...that and once when he was possessed by the soul of a human being he said, You make me want to be a better man... (Those were the only 2 things that ever came close to being real love now that i think about it, and sadly, also what i was probably holding onto for so long... LML


Oct 16 - 1AM (Reply to #43)
hooklineandsinker's picture

Mine said EXACTLY that to me

Mine said EXACTLY that to me too! Here is a text from him sent to me in the first weeks of our relationship: "I drink too much, when I started seeing you I halved my intake. I used to train just for marathons, now I work out as often as possible. I get annoyed and fired up and take it out well away from you or anyone now. You make me want to be a better man" Is it any wonder they're so hard to get over?
Oct 17 - 2AM (Reply to #46)
Briseis's picture

If he said that WITHOUT all

If he said that WITHOUT all the other bullshit, then maybe I could see your point :D You can't put frosting on a turd and call it a cupcake.
Oct 17 - 12AM (Reply to #45)
lisalisa47's picture

Hey Hooklinesinker

Yeah, they throw just enough "humanity" into the mix to make you think they have substance. In essence, we should have looked back and said, So what's stopping you from being a better man? LOL LML


Oct 16 - 1AM (Reply to #44)
kiwi10's picture


they always say the 'better man' thing. mine said that all the freaking time. don't be impressed. its just so that you are responsible fo rthem being good or bad. i keep mine from being better now..
Oct 13 - 10PM (Reply to #42)
Nicole96's picture

Don't get me wrong

He did make other comments that were definitely more convincing... however i think many experts would say this could have been all an act... them repeating what they have heard from others or seen in movies, etc. ... nothing original and genuine? even if they think it is?
Oct 13 - 8PM
lisalisa47's picture

OH i almost forgot....

He did say ONE thing about me personally, when i asked him what he loved about me - He said: You have a beautiful body and you are a wonderful lover...(but again, that pertains to what was in it for HIM LOL) LML


Oct 13 - 6PM
truthseeker's picture

I Have

accepted that he never loved me. I also realize it's not about me. he's incapable. the only true emotion he ever showed was anger. I heard"I'll love you till I'm in the grave" "My worst day with you is like walking through a rose garden compared to past relationships" Definitely just a SICK obsession of losing N supply. SICK
Oct 12 - 6AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Totally accepted I was never loved by N's

I have totally excepted that neither of my N's loved me....Needed me, obsessed by me, jealous of me and fancied me but never loved me. Basically both major users who discard what they think at the time they don't need any more(both my exN's have d & d'ed close friends in the past not just intimate partners)and then if these people are NEEDED again they turn up and try and press the re~set button. So much charm is used you almost want to throw I have had to be completely honest with myself about this otherwise I'd still be caught up in the heartache and the delusion and wouldn't be starting to move on after breaking from Narc no. 2. Really didn't think it would happen to me again and because he wasn't violent didn't think he was anything like my exNP and for a while I was broken hearted but thanks to the knowledge at hand and this site am getting through and coming out smelling of roses and hey~ho you live and learn. As time has gone on and I'm starting to heal I am also beginning to not take it personally as I know how ever much they pretend their next victim will get the same treatment and their life will just go on and on like this. I on the other hand am having a lovely time with friends I have had for years, my family, meeting new people and dating myself. :-)). I have had loads of lovely quality time with me doing what I want to do and fabulous peace of mind. I don't believe it is the be all end all to have a man in my life and as many members have stated no man is worth your life and myself from now on until some one comes along and shows me they are worth giving that up.
Oct 11 - 1PM
lisalisa47's picture

Boy you said a mouthful

I once asked my narc WHAT he loved about me: (These should have tipped me off LOL) I LOVE the way you look at ME I LOVE how you take care of ME I LOVE how you make love to ME (although he must of changed his mind on that one later, henceforth the ghetto girls and escorts) LML


Oct 11 - 10PM (Reply to #36)
kiwi10's picture


ok. when a therapist asks him to say what he loved about me he said 'i love that you have such a cool mom', and 'i love that you have your own interests'. when i asked him myself he would say : 'because you're so obedient' 'because you're so good to me' 'because you make me feel and look good' and the one that was bordering on sweet was 'because you're you'
Oct 11 - 10PM (Reply to #37)
lisalisa47's picture

Kinda makes you throw up in your mouth a little huh



Oct 10 - 5PM
kiwi10's picture

for me it was easy

i would have to completely lie to myself if i wanted to believe he ever loved me because he is open about it. he says he never loved me. he married me because 'he hoped we would grow to love eachother, and i made him look good and feel good. and i was young and pretty'. talk about a narc who doesn't hold it in... he tries to pull the wool over other women's eyes, but with me, he was always himself. go figure.
Oct 10 - 7PM (Reply to #30)
chickon2's picture

The fact that he didn't love me

Sort of makes me sick in my stomach.. I am having a hard time lately.. How many times did he get overcome by tears, to the point that he had to pull over and let his emotions out.. To tell me how much he loved me ..He would say in a loud voice.."NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THIS IS , WHAT WE HAVE" NO one knows how wonderful this is.. He would say.. THat he hated that we met this late in life.. How he wished we would of met before.. ALl the money he wasted on others, when it could of been all for me.. Did I mention the crying???????????? While making love, or whatever that was for him at the time.. " I have finally found you" (insert tears) "You are the only one I will ever love" (insert tears) You are my queen (insert tears) If I let it, It kind of makes me want to vomit... How he told almost all of his friends, I was the one.. AND how much he wanted to marry me.. IT is all gross to me now... AND all I hear now from people, that know I went out with him, is We all think he is gay, and he dates so many women b/c he doesn't want to know the truth about himself (insert more wanting to vomit)
Oct 11 - 10PM (Reply to #33)
lisalisa47's picture

OMG i was just thinking the same thing

I was remarking to my friend that it was like he made a SHOW of being "super slick with the ladies" "hi, im the ladeth man, ladeth...., how bout some couvorseeyay? LOL because he was doing that "thou protest TOO much" move on himself LML


Oct 11 - 11PM (Reply to #34)
kiwi10's picture

that made me laugh out

that made me laugh out loud! i was remembering when i went through his emails he said: "..... you can call me 'Sid'" just like that!! and another one says I am.... -Sid LMFAO like he's that guy from the doseques commercials
Oct 10 - 9PM (Reply to #31)
agnesmurphy17's picture


Sounds like your's was weeping even more than mine! Had to imagine. And, I was oblivious. But, the woman who replaced me, she found me when she left him. She told me that she snooped & found all these hard-core, anal sex, gay porn sites that he was watching. A lot of my friends also thought mine was gay.
Oct 10 - 9PM (Reply to #32)
chickon2's picture

Oh Agnesmurphy17

I snooped.. Figured out the PW to FB & to email.. Snooped quickly and found an email to a new chick pretty much verbatim to the one he wrote me the day after we met.. "God puts people in places for a reason, I didn't even want to go to that (insert function) and I went and thank GOd I did, I met you. He probably just removed my name and inserted her name.. I am glad I snooped b/c I thought we broke up b/c he mom didn't like the fact that I have 2 kids.. Yeah he has got some emotional incest stuff with his mom going on. I have only snooped once and saw predator stuff.. Like the same FB message to like 12 girls in one day asking them out on a date or whatever.. AND a message to his cousin saying. PLEASE introduce to me to some single girls I hate the single life I need a relationship. Anyway what I am getting at is I logged off quickly from the email b/c I was TERRIFIED to find some porno stuff. I don't know why but that was in my gut.. and now that you posted that.. The hair on my arms stood up. Maybe the shock of it all will make my extra weight fall off instead of my hairs stand up... THank you for your post.....
Oct 10 - 12PM
Bodhi's picture


Absolutely. Although, I think he loved me as much as he had the capacity to love another person... which is not much when you are completely emotionally unavailable. Also, mine had a pattern where he would become totally obsessed with people or life situations for a short time period and I have come to accept that I was just one of his obsessions. He does not have the ability to love another human being.