Don't get the sudden coolling off

24 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 14 - 11AM

Rinalda

Don't get the sudden coolling off

I'm trying to understand a situation and somehow need to figure it out. Can I get some feedback on this, because it's puzzling me and making me doubt myself (probably a carry-over of a terrible past relationship with a narc.)

A married man at work has making long eye contact and in general noticing me. He sits near me when he's in the office (part-time). He doesn't initiate conversation but looks at me every time I pass by and kind of stares.

We met by chance on public transit one day, and he sat across from me but didn't seem to see me. I said "hi." We chatted about work and other things. He kept asking me questions. At the end, he said he enjoyed talking to me and seemed aware of me at work later that day.

But then all of a sudden, the last few times he should be there (because scheduled to work), he either hasn't come in or has been in briefly and left.

I am spoken for at the moment and am not looking to create problems for myself with a married man. I mentioned my significant other to him in that conversation on transit.

Even though I don't want this to go anywhere (and, yes, probably enjoyed the attention from him), I do not understand this change in behaviour. Did I seem unavailable to him and he therefore gave up? Was he flirting just for fun?

What I just don't get is the fairly drastic move of suddenly staying away. It made me feel weird and, oddly enough, "rejected." I know that those are my own issues to deal with. But I can generally figure people out and this time don't understand.

#2 Oct 16 - 12PM

Syren66 (not verified)

Now, take this entire opening

Now, take this entire opening post...and pretend that's a story being told by a guy on this forum about his narcissistic girlfriend....

#3 Oct 16 - 10AM

Unfreakinreal

You are making mountains out of molehills...

Sorry, but I think you are making more out of this than it is. He is married and you are spoken for. You exchanged some pleasantries on the way to work. I don't think he is making drastic moves, he is in the office when he is, when he's not, he's not. You seem to be very aware of when he should and shouldn't be around. Don't waste what's left of the weekend worrying about what may or may not happen at work tomorrow. Xoxo

#4 Oct 16 - 9AM

Trulybroken

Baffled why some posters are

Baffled why some posters are calling this man and narc when we know nothing about him!

#5 Oct 15 - 2PM

ruby01 (not verified)

Rinalda

I don't understand why you would care what he does if you are not interested in him. That doesn't make any sense to me.

#6 Oct 15 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

Used

ruby01

i didnt at first, but do now,cos the narc has taken our confidence and self esteem by the time he has finished with us.....we see rejection in every thing people do or say, so its not the man as such with rinalda, its him ignoring her like that after being friendly...i believe she would have felt like this with any one, b/c i did....it took me a long time.... to put my self together again,and reached the level of WHO GIVES A FUCK IF THEY WANT TO TALK OR NOT...RIN HAS NOT REACHED THIS STAGE YET......

#7 Oct 15 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

ruby01 (not verified)

Okay,

I never thought of that. That makes sense :}

#8 Oct 14 - 9PM

Redhead1

I had a married guy giving me

I had a married guy giving me the bait at work. At the beginning, I knew I wouldnt bite because its just wrong. After all my self work, I know it was wrong because he is married and wrong because he devalued me. I got to thinking, that fxxker thinks so little of me that he can offer me crumbs and I will come running. Like he is a god and I should fit my single life around his married ass. In the past, I always thought affairs were wrong because I could hurt someone else. Now they are additionally wrong because it would also demean and devalue ME! I have broaden my horizon since the narc to include what is good for me too! If you did turn him off, good. It was all about him anyway. We all are vunerable after the narc attack. I know any attention right after the narc is flattering, but you have to look at the attention and see if it's for the right reasons. In the book why men love bitches, the author says something about all men wanting sex at first. You have got to hold out on the sex and see if they are going to like and respect you too. It made good sense. If they stick around without the sex, then there may be something there to work with. This is just me babbling. That narc rejection keeps resurfacing until you realize he is just an idiot and will reject anybody that doesnt worship him. HUGS

#9 Oct 15 - 12PM (Reply to #16)

Rinalda

The way we feel

I've seen that kind of flagrant disrespect and audacity before in married men. Some of them are shameless. It kind of stunned me that, at my workplace, a person would start a new job and be that aware of other women. I think there must be married men out there whose radar is constantly attuned to "the scene." I'm not going for this man at work am not worried about a moral element. I know what I want for myself. It's the way it's made me feel that seems the problem. Readhead1, it's true that watching out for new sources of devaluation is important. I don't know what is going on with this person at my workplace, but his change in behaviour threw me and would probably only get more confusing. One is indeed vulnerable and, as Used wrote, "thin-skinned" in the aftermath of the Narc....

#10 Oct 15 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

Susan32

Married men in the workplace

The former Narc coworker (the massively obese one) was sizing women up from the get-go, including me. Once, he said in this timid voice "Can you help me?" Knowing he was new, I quickly said "yes." He told me that I was supposed to make sure that there was always a pitcher of grape juice in the refrigerator for him. So "helping him" meant entitlement. I was so outraged by his nerve that I'd make prune juice and label it as grape juice. He'd attempt to flirt with me, I'd ignore him, and if I taunted him for being fat, he bawled that he was "being abused." He once said that if I called him stupid, he'd send his wife to beat me up. He whined when I mocked his fatness, yet he CONSTANTLY called his wife a b*tch. If a man calls his wife a b*tch, I have the license to treat him with outright disrespect. Married men who don't respect their wives deserve how they're treated. I have more respect for dog droppings.

#11 Oct 14 - 10PM (Reply to #15)

Susan32

Married men... or those in a relationship

When I was in the Narc workplace for 5 years, two coworkers of mine (who were married to other people) openly carried on an affair. It was taken with an "oh well." I had a morbidly obese Narc coworker who fancied himself God's Fat Gift to Women. He flirted openly with female CNAs, despite being married and wearing a ring. He'd call his wife a b*tch, and for some reason, it SHOCKED him that not only did I not worship the ground he walked on, but treated him with disrespect (I'd mock him about his weight, something I usually find distasteful) He'd try to make passes at me, he'd serenade me with the song that he sang to his wife on his wedding day, I'd flatter him, give him some worship... and then proceed to topple him off that pedestal. I was like the rodeo bull. For a time, the cowboy feels comfortable in the saddle, he gets the rhythm... until the bull throws him off. If the ex-Psych prof had tried to flirt with me WHILE his girlfriend was pregnant, he would've gotten rejection. But the EPIC kind, since he's a fan of "War and Peace." I would've gotten him all buttered up... like a cow gently prodded to its final resting place... the dinner plate. It would've been the worship/butter up/mock/discard cycle. I would have relished punishing him for his infidelity. Once I learned the ex-P ALREADY had a girlfriend, I was downright sadistic to him. I remember telling him "I'm giving you the silent treatment because you lied about having a girlfriend." I got his appetite whetted for the senior skit... only to see himself ridiculed in front of everyone... I was like the little kitty he had tormented, that suddenly grew into a mountain lion on the hunt.

#12 Oct 14 - 1PM

Deidre40

The heart of the problem

The heart of the problem doesn’t lie with this man. The heart of your problem lies in your need for validation, acceptance and a feeling of self worth—from all men. I have been there, I speak from experience. When you resolve your need for validation from men, you will no longer notice these types of things happening. Because your sense of self worth will have nothing to do with another man’s vision of you, turning away or towards you, asking you out or not, thinking you’re hot or not…it will be wrapped up in the value you have for yourself. It takes time to get there. Dating narcs adds to the confusion, but once you break free…and work on yourself, you’ll see that this guy isn’t the issue—it’s your need for validation that is the issue.

#13 Oct 14 - 2PM (Reply to #10)

Rinalda

So much has happened

Yes, I recognize some of this need for validation. My reaction doesn't seem right to me and doesn't feel good. I am sensitive to people's reactions, perhaps especially men's. I agree that my own problems are coming through here with this man. But it seemed such a strange thing to happen....The worry that I put someone off just like that or made someone avoid me. This goes deep in me. Quite typically I look to myself when something goes awry. With the narc, all along my behaviour was either rewarded or punished according to his interpretation. When he put me at arms' length (to maintain the distance he deemed suitable) or outright ignored me around the OW, it hurt terribly. Something in me internalized the shunning and felt inadequate. It has been a long road, and sometimes I feel ancient. So much has happened. This new thing is indeed just a blip. I know I'll get over it.

#14 Oct 14 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

Deidre40

it's also important to start

it's also important to start turning away from behaviors that YOU DEEM as wrong. like a married man flirting/staring at you. this should not be something you welcome. it should cause you discomfort if he flirts, not if he does not. it takes time. i have been there. ;) {{hugs}} you're going strong...and the fact that you ask us is progress.

#15 Oct 14 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

Rinalda

Able to see what he's doing

I did look critically at his behaviour, actually. He seemed fairly bold to stare, and I was taken aback. I know what I think about that kind of guy. But then this twist in events happened, and it threw me a little. That is the part I've stumbled on.

#16 Oct 14 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

Deidre40

rinalda; i have been where

rinalda; i have been where you are. when we seek validation, it sometimes matters little where it comes from...married men, old men, young men...until you work on that, you'll continue to feel unsettled. no way to go thru life! i can help you with this. please pm me if you'd like to talk about it. :=)

#17 Oct 14 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

Used

RINALDA

i agree with dee....i find now i am waiting to be hurt... then yesterday a friend defriended me on f/b, at first i thought..what did i do? then later on , i thought i dont give a flying fxxk, and later i spoke to my kids and didnt think to mention it, so i didnt care at all...today somethng happened with a friend of mine[tho it was minorish]...but it still got me thinking, and i thought oh who gives a toss....my point i guess is in the beginning of NC with narc.....i felt slighted at every turn,and i began thinking,i may as well give up if i am going to take every rejection to heart....so what i do now, is i speak up, and tho i have yet to see my friend again...i will say something about to day.....and from there we shall see...as for f/b he was my kids friend at school, so who cares.....IN FACT HIS POSTS WHERE MADE UP OF...IN THE GYM, LEAVING THE GYM....i never answered once....i am laughing now...lol...i felt very raw and exposed after narc as if everyone could see i was thinskinned.....now i have done 2 years NC with him living up the road to me.... i know i am a tough cookie.....its him that is the PUSSYCAT...this will get better for you...try and see this as a little blipxxx

#18 Oct 14 - 12PM

Used

RINALDA

he was supposed to be in for work but wasent....WHO CARES WERE HE IS,? MAYBE HE HAS BERI-BERI?, MAYBE HE IS WITH HIS WIFE?, MAYBE HE FELL OFF THE PLANET?, MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK YOURSELF HOW COMMITED YOU ARE TO THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH AT THE MOMENT...

#19 Oct 14 - 12PM

ally2375

Rinalda

If you make it your mission to try to understand why people do the things they do, prepare to spend a lot of time frustrated and confused. :) Maybe he's a nutcase. Maybe he's a decent guy who realized he was having indecent feelings for you and backed off out of respect for his wife. Maybe he's dealing with a personal issue. Maybe, maybe, maybe. The point is, you don't and can't know. The fact that you care enough to ruminate about this is good to know about yourself though. Because, it's not particularly healthy to feel "weird and rejected" by someone you hardly know who is unavailable while you also are unavailable. What you know, you can change. I discovered one of these unhealthy patterns in myself last week. It was a sucky realization, but now at least I can address it.

#20 Oct 14 - 12PM

Kukla

Well

Who knows what's running through his head. Narcs are disordered. At the very least you should not care. Why would you want attention from a married many anyways?? As you said you are taken for and not interested in starting anything. That should be all the attention you need. Move along..there is nothing to see.... Good luck.

#21 Oct 14 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

Rinalda

The issue

I don't think his marital status is the problem. It helps explain his behaviour but isn't what I'm wrestling with. It's the sudden turning away/disappearance/avoidance that I feel uncomfortable with. If he was single and did that, I'd still feel unsettled. It felt strange to be almost avoided or something after a pleasant conversation. And someone turning away from me is 100% a repeat of the past narc. Ever since my previous ordeal with a narc and all the trauma it caused, I seem to get anxious easily. My therapist says I've lost confidence. This situation has just evoked something in me. The narc was always hot and cold.

#22 Oct 14 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

Kukla

Rinalda

Of course it's not easy for you. You begin to question yourself and everything that you do or say because you were programmed by the Narc to feed into that. You will (slowly) gain back your confidence no doubt. It does take some time, but you will and then you will have a better grip to just turn and walk away from these situations so you don't have to second guess yourself. In the meantime, he's a married guy looking? As far as you are concerned he should be looking elsewhere not at you. Good luck!

#23 Oct 14 - 12PM

Kukla

Well

#24 Oct 14 - 12PM

Hunter

There are nut jobs all around

There are nut jobs all around us.. Turn on the news for 30 minutes! My thought .. Who cares!! Plan a fun weekend.. Hunter

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