"don't make someone your priority when they only make you an option"

Yesterday was a hard day for me. Seeing my friends from work really set me off and I got pretty down.
But today is different. I am looking at things like this... There is NO WAY in hell I will ever be with this man again, so why dwell. It was inevitable that he would be with someone else, granted I didn't think it would be literally right away! And the way he did it was so wrong. Stringing me along until he found her and then boom... He changes. Saying things like "I am working on myself... I don't need anyone. I am focused on my kids and that's it." and when I knew there was someone else he swore on his kids there wasn't. What a fuck head.
Anywho... I look back at the relationship between him and I and sure there were some good times I guess... But I was the one making the good times happen. Outside of that I had constant anxiety... I never knew how he would treat me the next day... I would always wonder "well, is he going to treat me like a girlfriend or just a friend today". All I asked for was consistancy. Never did that happen.
What amazes me is how the mind plays tricks on you. When you really look at my relationship with him, it was not a good one at all. Everyone could see it but me. I was so blinded by this man. I thought that I could be the one to change him. BAHAHAHAHA.
He would tell me things like "this is how I am... I have always been this way and I'm not changing" meaning he doesn't know how to express feelings. I asked him "how the hell did you stay married for 17 years?!!!" never had an answer. It still amazes me!
But the person I want to be with, the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with.. I want him to be there at my worst moments and I want him to be there for my best. If I am sick I would want to know that he would be there for me. I want to know that I could trust him and know that he loves me just for who I am no matter what size I am... If I'm tan or not... If I do something the right way or not.
With him... I NEVER felt that way. I was incredibly insecure. It amazes me how insecure I was. There were plenty of guys my age trying to take me out, commenting on how beautiful I was and so
On. But all I wanted was for him to feel that way about me and for him to say those things about me. He never ever did. He didn't care if he lost me or not.

So that is why I'm living by the quote... "don't make someone a priority when they only make you an option" I know I'm better then that. And I'm better then him.