The effect of breaking NC

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#1 Sep 23 - 3PM

Anonymous (not verified)

The effect of breaking NC

I am not sure what or why I writing- I guess if I'm honest I am feeling a little fragile.

I was sure that my ex of 7 days would not contact me and yesterday he did. I replied.

I am suffering as a result of my own bloody stupidity. Yesterday morning in my very exchanges with some of you I could feel myself healing, becoming empowered with the acquisition of knowledge being steadly acquired here and the kindliness of your wisdom born from the pain of experience.

Yesterday, I actually began to feel the depression eclipsed by hope, a renewed sense of optimism for the future. For the first time in 5 months I became aware of focusing on me, my career, my life, on me. It felt so good, I felt a smile that I hadn't felt in the time I was with N, a smile that comes from a place of self-contentment and warmth deep within.

And BAM! It was as if he knew the exact point at which I was tipping from him and into life without him, a future filled with light away from the depraved darkness that was my life when with him; and he attempts to sabotage that by making contact. And fool that I am fall for it. He's won and I've lost.

I feel so bloody angry with myself. Will this go away? Will I get the feelings of positivity back again?

I know you can't know this, but is it likely he will try and contact again. I am praying to God he won't, that he'll leave me alone. Apart from blocking etc, is there anything else I can do to help myself be strong in maintaining absolutely no engagment with him.

I know all the advice and it's invaluable- remind oneself of all the terrible suffering endured in the 'relationship', but in that moment yesterday I felt the love (my love) for him which in turn made me regard him with a benevolence and as such weaken. It is that we loved that makes this so frikken hard. I wish I could turn this off.

I'm sorry for venting, just feeling a little wobbly tonight.

Thanks for letting me write here.

Liberty

#2 Oct 3 - 9AM

Carolyn

This happens to everyone who

This happens to everyone who is involved with a man with 'two faces' You stay in love with the positive face and stay in fear of the other face. this causes a riot in your body chemistry. It makes your reality and how you view the world. Shaky. Fear and love cannot hormonally exist at the same time in your body. So you are switching attitudes, thoughts, and actions from one side to the other and finally it results in depression which is just your bodies way of getting you to stop the see-saw emotions. No Contact allows you to get your equilibrium back and have normal body chemistry. the happy face of this ex creates endorphins which make you happy. Then the fear starts and you have adrenaline, fight or flight hormones, and the seesaw effect begins. this leaves you tired, sad, confused, and very vulnerable. the only way to get back to a normal life is to keep no contact.

#3 Apr 21 - 1AM (Reply to #44)

SunnySideUp

So well said & explained!

#4 Oct 12 - 5PM (Reply to #43)

Ellen

Carolyn

That is really well explained for me. I kept looking at my ex funny it was so changeable. Sometimes it was loving and then it would be disgust. I got very confused too.

#5 Oct 1 - 10PM

cupcake (not verified)

Thanks again guys

Thanks for your posts. I feel in a bit of a whirlwind today. There is a part of me that wants him back, wants to believe he will change but I know he won't and I am not going to reply to his message. Barbara, what will happen now? I understand he might chase me but not because he is afraid of losing me or cares about me (he can't feel those normal human emotions - nothing but chidlish rage) because of his ego. Because he is a control freak that can't handle his cupcake whore saying no to him. Nothing more. It happened to so many of you. They came back just to see if they can get a reaction out of you. Then they discarded again for fun. It isn't human and they have no right to treat other human beings this way. I hate him and being here reminds me of what he did to me. Used me for sex. Used me to keep his relationship with the other woman fresh. Came running back like a rat to a hole to his dirty little secret for his entertainment. He was threatening charges and now he wants contact? Has he forgotten about all of that?

#6 Oct 1 - 10PM (Reply to #41)

Barbara (not verified)

you are NOT his dirty little secret anymore

has he forgotten? http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/29/when-they-act-it-didnt-happen http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/29/narcissists-selective-amnesia Now... you tell me. He just wants to ACT like it never happened. Just like he wanted to ACT indignant for the GF, etc. (Psycho-Boy told his wife the BIGGEST line of BS about me too... and got her to HELP HIM HARASS ME until I took a C&D out on their asses and provided proof... and sent copies to their buddies at their precinct and the FBI. Can you say BUSTED?) Please document every time he contacts you UNTIL YOU GET A NEW PHONE NUMBER!! And you WILL get a new PHONE NUMBER won't you???????!!!!!! But do NOT respond to him - just document. Then, you can send a message to his sister saying if he doesn't leave you alone you will file harassment charges on him. But be sure you have the PROOF. That ought to do it. :P I don't like people who play games with our minds. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#7 Oct 1 - 6PM

cupcake (not verified)

Thanks guys love Cupcake

Cynthia! You are online! I get so excited to see your name!! Perutoo, Barbara, Cynthia, Rosie, baddream, EVERYONE thank you so much for these posts. I haven't replied yet. I love perutoo's and Barbara's translation of that text message. That helped so much. It didn't quite sink in that the GF could get old too (she isn't even here!!) and like Barbara said, maybe he can't afford a hooker right now! I never expected to hear from him again. Like peru said, any normal guy would never contact so the good thing about this is I understand that he isn't normal. Finally! He isn't normal! He can't be. Who would contact me after asking his sister to call me FOR HIM to back off? He isn't normal. Cynthia! I guess I did get what I wanted. He came back. Will re-read ALL the posts, I know this happened to our darling Marie too and like most of you said here - they come back to see if they can. They come just to hurt you. I got my power back but I have to be honest and say that I thought it would feel better than this! Gosh it was good to see his name again. My heart jumped. I haven't replied and I don't think I will. If it wasn't for this forum I would have. I would have been sucked in and spat out again. I would have let him come over, have sex with me, serve him food and port and let him discard me all over again. I now udnerstand all he wants is to make his GF new supply again so he uses me to do that and he doesn't have any other soures right now so he is desperate. If it wasn't for all of you here I would NEVER know ANY of this. Gosh our stories are so similar. You are all amazing people every single one of you. Barbara, Lisa I don't know how to thank you enough. I sersiouly would have run back to him but now I am educated in what he isd oing. He doesn't love or want me. He is bored! He can't love he has a brain disorder. he doesn't feel sorry for what he did. He can't! He can only feel rage. I understand! Thank you all for your support I don't know what to say to all of you honest amazing beautiful strong brave people. Like Lisa said, we need to spread the word about these men to protect more people in the world being bled dry out there!!

#8 Oct 2 - 10AM (Reply to #39)

cynthia (not verified)

NOTHING BUT A TROLLING PIMP

Hey, ya he is what they call recycling supply, I am not saying this to make you mad but this is what he is thinking. I'll bet Cupcake misses my dick been about 4 months or so, and I could use some kind of new piece of ass, the GF is old and boring, same ol snatch doesnt do much for me anymore, Cupcake will make me feel alive again. You keep saying he used you to keep things new with his GF? I DISAGREE!!!!! Trust me Cupcake you alone did not sustain him or make things new and alive with the GF. You were one of MANY, and I dont believe he does it to keep things alive and exciting with the GF, he simply does it because he is a liar, cheat, and a dangerous predator, not to mention deformed. If you asked his GF a year from now how often they have sex you would know the answer, ONLY WHEN HE HAS TO TO KEEP HER AROUND, its nothing more than a maintainance job for him like changing oil in your car, necessary to keep it running smoothly. Look how they serviced us then take off, too busy to stick around, you think she is so special that he stays in bed with her all day caressing her and they have a deep love bond? She gets the SAME empty cheap relationship that we got. He was sick of her after the FIRST time he f--ked her (sorry that is the way they think) NOBODY IS SPECIAL TO THESE PEOPLE, THEY ONLY BRAINWASH YOU INTO THINKING YOU ARE. I always try to remember this: IN REALITY, and IN TRUTH putting aside their act, charm, con, we are all the same to them, we just play different roles in their lives, its a chess game to them Cupcake, she may be the queen on the chessboard but not in his life, her meaning to him is only what he needs her for in his game, they enjoy being loved by others but THEY DO NOT LOVE ANYONE and thats what it comes down to in the end, if you think for one second he may love her, IMPOSSIBLE, THEY ARE INCAPABLE. She is getting nothing more than what they gave us. I am doing so so, good days, bad days, mine wants to see me, I havent seen him for 8 months, you and I both need to get our numbers changed I know its a hard step but it will be the same thing Cupcake, cheap, sick, sex then dumped like garbage at the curb, its not a healthy choice, we must stay strong and fight the brainwashing.

#9 Oct 1 - 8PM (Reply to #38)

thisisnotfun

Cupcake

I'm sure your heart missed a beat but remember, it will go back to the same crap. I know it is hard but I also know you will be strong and continue NC.......... :)

#10 Oct 1 - 8PM (Reply to #36)

Barbara (not verified)

cupcake

he'll keep trying. you need to get him BLOCKED or get a new cell number. IMMEDIATELY. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#11 Oct 1 - 9PM (Reply to #37)

dolce (not verified)

It was good to see his name

Change that phone number for your own good.

#12 Oct 1 - 4PM

lovelife (not verified)

These selfish bastards..

Yes that is what they do. I had'nt seen or spoke to my N in weeks. Even after I was told he was on a dating site, I did not contact him. Well because I usually react and I didn't, what does he do...show up at my work. When I asked him what he wanted, he said to see how your doing? (With crocodile tears) In a matter of minutes he started a fight, walked away and hasn't called me since. He just wanted me to see him so i wouldn't get better, because we are still weak for them and they know it. My N doesn't want me, he just wants to hurt me! What is mouth dropping, is that he gets off on it. I'm not calling him...I still have my moments of weakness, but I always put my self in check at that time. I know that I have to be more conciencious of my thoughts and actions now. It feels weird but I feel myself getting better, not being around that sick man. I'm smiling again, I'm not riddled with anxiety, like I once was...and I know that If i have contact, i'll be right back in that dark place. So please...follow the no contact rule. And be on guard...cause he's coming back!

#13 Sep 30 - 11PM

cupcake (not verified)

Barbara, Cynthia, Rosy, baddream - someone. He contacted.

Hey guys, After 5 months NC. After discarding me when I confronted him about the girlfriend. After having his sister call me threatening harrasment charges. He sends a text message. "Hi. How have you been?"

#14 Oct 1 - 4PM (Reply to #33)

cynthia (not verified)

please be strong

there you have it cupcake, what you always wanted, to tell him to go to hell? Not that easy is it? I have been there. Remember this, you will be right back to where you were if you see him, being with him will not soften your road ahead. Barbara was right, see how much he thinks of the new GF? Didnt take long for her to get old, you should feel good about many things, they are never content with who they have, NEVER, and they never really truly discard us for someone else, it just feels that way.

#15 Oct 1 - 7AM (Reply to #32)

baddream

Predictable

Good morning Cupcake. I could have predicted this, as your story and mine seem at times to be one and the same. I rec'd a text message 4 weeks ago (also after exactly 5 months NC on my part) that said "Hi sweetie. I hope you have been well. Something will arrive for you next week" Like nothing had happened. How are you feeling about this Cupcake? Do you feel strong enough to ignore this? I did not respond to my text so another arrived, and then another. The package arrived and I did not throw it away. I made the mistake of opening it. I then dumped all the contents in the trash but his "campaign" was affecting me. I felt like there was an obligation on my part to acknowledge his "generosity", or a call to action. I continued to do nothing. This week my cell phone rang with a caller ID from an unknown area code. I answered it, it was HIM. I am ashamed to admit to the initial "thrill" I had to hearing his voice. I know this is all part of the brainwashing that has taken place and it has taken this entire episode to fully realize how deeply and seriously he has embedded his sickness into me. Thanks to all the soul searching I have done these past months, writing and reading on this forum and my journal I quickly got a hold on my emotions and ended the phone call nonchalantly. I gave him no indication of the effect he had on me nor did I chastise him in any way for his behavior. I spoke to him with no emotion, as if he was an acquaintance I had not spoken to in a long time. Cupcake, I know the effect that one line text that you rec'd yesterday has on you. Now is the time for you to be strong. If you respond you will start to be sucked back into his game and back in the cycle. Their behavior is pathological and PREDICTABLE. We have already seen the outcome and know what will happen if we play. We will lose the game every time. We must be strong. I'm thinking of you today..

#16 Oct 1 - 6AM (Reply to #31)

Barbara (not verified)

cupcake

IGNORE and BLOCK HIS NUMBER. If you have been reading this board you will see this is CLASSIC and DEPRAVED as all get out. make a note in your journal of the date, time, number sent from and what was said. Guess the GF is getting boring and he's too broke for a hooker... IGNORE!!! http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/29/when-they-act-it-didnt-happen http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/29/narcissists-selective-amnesia IGNORING him - will be the biggest f**k you ever to this dirtbag. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#17 Oct 1 - 4AM (Reply to #30)

Monica

This is so typical, cupcake....

Mine pulls this same crap whether he discarded me or I broke it off with him (because of getting so damned tired of all the games and lies, control and manipulation). And this sort of text is manipulation. Mine would text "How r u?" Translation: "I need sex, I miss your bjs." Mine could care less about how I really am. Delete. Ignore. Take a deep breath and carry on as if you never got that text. Erase it from your mind. I know, I know...easier said than done. Believe me, I know! But we are all here for you to support you and get you through this. It never ceases to amaze me how one little text like this can totally throw our lives off balance again. We can't let them have that power of us, not anymore!! Peace.

#18 Oct 1 - 3AM (Reply to #29)

Scoop

Cupcake

Having followed your story i would have said if this was a normal man i would have put money on him never contacting you again, but we know these are not normal men. "hi how have you been " innocent enough right? Nah -- it might have just as well read "cupcake im coming round to your place, you are going to cook me a meal, get out the port and then im going to f**k you". This news is huge. how are you feeling? Peru x

#19 Oct 1 - 1AM (Reply to #28)

Rose-Marie (not verified)

I had a message like that...

Hi Cupcake, I had a message like that from N1, after six months NC. I ignored it and he never contacted me again. Many years later I can see just how weird that message was. He was (as yours is) totally oblivious and uncaring as to the havoc he had wreaked. They are totally insane. That message speaks volumes. Hit the delete button. Rosy.

#20 Sep 24 - 6PM

cupcake (not verified)

Liberty

No problem Liberty, we are all here for each other. Get your feelings out - it's the best safest place in the world for this and we are all with you. Be angry you deserve to be. He is a twisted awful that has played with your heart and soul. When you said you want him to come back so you can ignore him - I am so with you! I want that too. I wanted that all the time. But Liberty, when he did come back I would jump. I would forget about all the discarding and dispresct and silent treatment, see his name and my heart would jump with delight. And all those messages I planned to send him to say it's over, you are disrespectul etc, don't contact me again never happened. I wrote new ones "hi beautiful good to hear from you, I missed you too etc". He had some power over me I can't explain. At 4 months it is easier but I am still there sometimes. When my phone flashes sometimes my hope wants his name. I do want him to come back so I can get my dignity and respect back and I NEED the last word. But none of us did get the last word. You can win or close with a narcissist as they cannot love and cannot feel anything but rage. The only closure with a N is closure with yourself. Baddream gave me some good advice - ignorning them, moving and being happy is the best way to go. It is the best revenge it will kill him. BUt don't worry about letting him know, all of our N's seems to sense when we are happy and moving on which is when they try to reel us back in for more destruction. The only way to do this is NC, it really works. There is nothing more in the world I want then for my N to come back, tell me he loves me and no other and will be with me forever. But in reality - he has a sickness. A pattern that will never change. You will be back in the pit, the darkness of that twisted back and forth, push and pull, up and down, hot and cold - it makes us hooked to the adrenalin of them but it destorys our self esteem and soul and heart and belief in men and in love. I can't see myself with anyone else and don't want anyone else, just him! WRiting dfown all the bad thinsg he did helps so when I yearn for him I can remember the disrespect. Having sex with me and not calling for 2 weeks then coming begging back. PLaying 2 women at the same time. Lies, lies and more lies. GET OUT! We dont' want to be controlled or in their sick twisted spell anymore. With time, education, healing and NC it will get better, I just don't know when but for me it is MUCH easier than it was when I was with him. Hang in there!

#21 Sep 23 - 8PM

baddream

Don't be so hard on yourself

I know how bad it feels after breaking the NC but you are only having a minor setback. You gave him a little supply yesterday when you texted back, but consider it a lesson learned. It will only be a matter of time until he tests the water again, or comes looking for some more supply. The next time you will have wised up and you will not respond. It was only 7 days, a good point to start NC again. It's okay to fall down, just pick yourself up again, be strong and continue what you know you must do. The next time you will be strong enough to ignore him. I've been in the same place as you. Have fallen off, and then back on. This time I had the strength to resist. Unfortunately it is something we must learn (painfully )how to do

#22 Sep 24 - 6AM (Reply to #20)

Liberty (not verified)

Baddream , Cupcake et al

Just wanted to thank you for your words of understanding and encouragement. 'Don't be so hard on yourself'... I hear that all the time and I am trying to be a little more forgiving of myself. You know that bastard early on said to me 'you shouldn't be so hard on yourself' and then what did the fucker do, use the very insight against me, knowing I would torture myself with his crazy making games- what kind of human being would do this. It is dawning on me just how sadistic these men are. You know baddream, part of me hope he does try and bait me again just so that I can ignore him. It's almost as though I feel I lost a chance to 'say' NO, NO MORE, by replying to him on Tuesday- The pain I have felt since he baited me into reply with his 'I don't want to lose you bullshit' is proof that he cares not one shit about me. Sorry for the bad language, I'm not normally given to profane language except when I'm BLOODY ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cupcake, your personal journey through the process of NC is so inspiring. Just the thought that I might get to a point where I'm not jumping every time my phone rings/see new mail in my inbox half praying it is and is not him, is encouraging. I want to get to a place where he is not constantly in my mind. I am beginning to get that the only way I can help myself get there is NC. Thanks to you both and all who have been so gracious and patient... Liberty x

#23 Sep 24 - 1PM (Reply to #22)

baddream

You haven't heard the last of him

These guys rarely give up. Just read all the posts and you will see it is part of their pathological behavior. Yours tried to bait you just after 7 days. He is going to try it again, and you will get your wish. Do you think you will have the strength to ignore him the next time? It is a surprisingly difficult thing to do, even though we know they are the scum of the earth, stalking vampire monsters. They have a certain kind of control over us until we get strong enough to really have nothing to do with them. I will be honest and tell you that it takes time and healing to get to that point. If you do not think you will be strong enough to ignore him next time you must do what Barbara tells us all to do and block him from e-mail, texts, and telephone. I wish you heartfelt success. I do know how difficult it is, as my N has gone back to trying to get to me through all possible channels including friends, faking illnesses, and the list goes on and on. They do not really ever go away.

#24 Sep 24 - 4PM (Reply to #23)

Liberty (not verified)

From the time I dumped him- he was blocked...

He is blocked - from my personal mail address/phone. Whilst he is now in a different part of Europe than I, we came together under professional auspices local to me. Iromically, me on 'defense' and he, for the prosecution. This cannot be avoided until the case ends. Sometimes, things are not so black and white... Liberty

#25 Sep 24 - 6PM (Reply to #24)

Monica

Oh, my, Liberty....

We have more in common that I thought. I really do feel for you, Liberty. I know what a tough spot you are in right now. My situation is very similar. It is horrible to have your professional and personal life intertwined like this. I really do understand. My heart goes out to you. Things are certainly NOT black and white. I can relate to that totally.

#26 Sep 25 - 4AM (Reply to #25)

Liberty (not verified)

Monica

Just wanted to wish you well today and to thank you for your heartfelt thoughts. It goes both ways- so hoping today is kind to you. Take care, L

#27 Sep 24 - 7AM (Reply to #21)

Barbara (not verified)

liberty

Just the thought that I might get to a point where I'm not jumping every time my phone rings/see new mail in my inbox half praying it is and is not him, is encouraging If you BLOCK him you won't have to worry about it. "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#28 Sep 23 - 7PM

cupcake (not verified)

ps - time gets faster

Just another note - I know where some of you are at within a few weeks of NC. I know a day without him seems like an eternity it was like that for me. I would writhe with pain at the thought of him going away for 2 weeks - that seemed like forever without him. I couldn't function without him for 2 days. But it gets faster. At 4 months - 2 days without him doesn't seem so bad! You do start to stop checking your phone and e-mail constantly. You stop yearning for a message, anything. I really do know - 2 days without him was like a lifetime. But pushing through NC, it gets faster. Hang in there Liberty - you really have to get away from this guy. Read all the posts about marriage, what helps me is all of these guys saying the sex and and affection stopped anytime between 2 weeks and 2 months!!! You don't want to live your life in that constant ache. You deserve better with someone healthy that will love you and fulfill you in return. We all do!

#29 Sep 23 - 7PM

cupcake (not verified)

NC Works

Guys, NC is the only way to go and it works. I'm at 4 months and only just on the tip of the iceberg of starting to heal. As Barbara, said it is deprogramming and my body and hormones are starting to readjust after being with a pyschopath narcissist. I miss him terribly sometimes, yearn for him, yearn to be held by him, to talk to him anything. But looking back at this time last year I was much more unhappy. I was sick fo him, constantly thinking of him. Stressing about the other woman, thinking of how to get his attention (I was in a 2 week D&D this time last year). He was on my mind all the time I felt sick, I felt unhealthy, too attached and too in love. I felt addicted to him and couldn't live without him and he didn't care. Remember that pain, the constant ache even when they are right there because they are empty. They can never fulfill you because they cannot love. They are not human like we are and their brains are disordered. They do not care. Now I am starting to get my life back. I'm in therapy, on medication (which is working like a charm) and I am much happier than when I had him chasing me. Of course it was thrilling and exciting when he was there but the D&D closely followed anything nice he gave me it was a constant push and pull and up and down. I feel cleaner, fresher, more peaceful and I don't yearn for him as much as I use to. It is starting to change and is up and down every day but I have to admit life is easier without him. I don't have cosntatly think of games, don't have to stress a bout him or what he is doing. God in Heaven knows what he did and I will leave it at that. But if I was to break NC I would be right down in despair and sickness all over again. Instead of focsuing on me, being healthy, being at peace, feeling clean - I would be back in a twisted dark world of constant aching and yearning - like a burn that cannot heal. I don't want to go back to that dark pit. If I break NC I will. I was going crazy guys, he made me insane. And without him - I'm cupcake again!!! Everyone hang in there. NC is the only way to go. YOu can't win with a narcissist, mine was too strong and has some power and control over me that is too dangerous. Leave them and be happy. The best revenge is for you to be happy - that will really make them pay.

#30 Sep 23 - 9PM (Reply to #16)

Barbara (not verified)

btw - cupcake

you can not be a "psychopath narcissist" You can be a NARCISSISTIC PSYCHOPATH ALL psychopaths are also narcissists but NOT all narcissists are psychopaths. N before P but NEVER P WITH N. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#31 Sep 23 - 10PM (Reply to #17)

cupcake (not verified)

Barbara!

N before P - got it!!!!! He is both either way and you are right. A loser and a freak! Meds continue to go great, up and down but definitely happier WITHOUT HIM!!

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