encouragement needed.

14 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 14 - 8AM

whatever2009

encouragement needed.

Hi Ladies.

As Ive mentioned before, I am bestfriends with my N's roommate. I have told her to keep things about him to herself. She seems to have a hard time doing this...and the things she mentions or says casually are nothing hurtful, or any of that. But they still have an affect on me. Its not intentional (I dont think)...sometimes she
is just venting as well. Another friend of mine said as much as she probably wants me away from him, she probably misses having me around and just hopes he and I can be "friends". Which isnt going to happen. I NEVER want to lose her as a friend tho, hat would really hurt.

However, she was talking about another friend of ours who's bf, has started coming around the exN, and they have made plans to hang out. I find this strange...I see it as a way my exN can either annoy me (by me finding out) and a way for him to get closer to my circle of people. He doesnt even like this guy. Am I wrong here?

Either way, it bothers me. Im still very angry and thankfully thats what keeps me so strong with the No Contact and with getting my life back on track. Every once and a while, I think...wow, he's just moving on...
and is soo happy. Then I bounce back to reality by reading the posts and articles in respect to the N and being happy. This takes away the anxiety (believe it or not).

The other day I was sick and was so emotional. I thought to myself..."I wish I had someone who wanted to know how I was feeling". Then I thought back, even when I was sick...he never asked me how I was feeling, never asked me if I needed anything, never gave a shit. So really there is no difference. My mind cleared and then I thought
your NOT missing anything...your just not receiving 3-5 phone calls a day about NOTHING!!!!

I just dont want this to hurt anymore...I know it hasnt been long in the no contact zone. I just wish he would go away, far away. I wish him and my friend werent related. I wish he would stop "casually" bringing up my name. I wish that he and I never got "together".

The idea had crossed my mind of calling him and saying a whole bunch of things...then I remembered he's crazy and it wouldnt make a difference...so instead I threw on a sad
song cried for a few minutes and went to bed.

Im just venting...Thanks for you guys!! and this board. Its a lifesaver.

#2 Jan 14 - 5PM

agnesmurphy17

I agree with Barbara

You may have to go NC with the friend. Did your best friend who lives with N -- did she introduce you to him? Does she think he's an abusive jerk? She's his cousin, raising his son . . . & you & she are best friends . . . but you do not want her to discuss him with you, & vice versa? I do not think that this is a doable situation. And, knowing that the link is always there . . . you can just ask & glean information . . . keeps him alive in your mind.

#3 Jan 14 - 7PM (Reply to #8)

whatever2009

She knows...

She is FULLY aware he is an abusive jerk. She has said, to him and to me that she doesnt understand why I stuck around so long. She wants me to move on. She has mastered the art of bossing him around...he feels as if he "owes her" for helping him with his son. He actually introduced us. We became close friends really fast and she is great. Im really doing my best here...im trying to get over him, and stay friends with her. Its not her fault he is crazy. She also doesnt think he says things intentionally so she will tell me. She said he is convinced we do not talk about him. But then I dont understand why he says the things he does. She also said he has zero confidence and will just leave me alone because he is scared of my wrath. I hope this is true.

#4 Jan 14 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

Barbara (not verified)

whatever2009

its not true she doesn't get the covert manipulation and with her in the picture there's STILL CONTACT. Of course he tells her things HOPING they will get back to you. No one can EVER be in control of a pathological or what they do to you... EVEN HER... EVEN KNOWING WHAT HE IS! sorry, I think you need to go NO CONTACT on her for about 6 months. Best friend or not if she wants to help you heal, she'll respect that and I suspect that you subconciously like the covert contact... sorry ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#5 Jan 15 - 8AM (Reply to #10)

whatever2009

Really...

Is there no way I can do this without cutting her off? I want NO CONTACT...im actually starting to enjoy it. Ive been working out, setting goals, catching up with people I havent talked to in a while. Im going on vacation with my closest friends soon. What if I just sat her down and said, everytime when you mention his name, it sets me back and makes me miss him. Can you please stop. I cant handle it. I will try this tonight. Barbara - at first I wanted to believe he missed me, so knowing he said things about me made me think...ahhHA! Ive got to him. Im not kidding when I say now...I just dont even want to hear his name the thought of him makes me nauseous. Is there anything I can do about having him trying to swoop into my circle of friends? Or should I just ignore it and keep on going? He hates the guys in my circle, and now he's trying to hang out with them?

#6 Jan 15 - 8AM (Reply to #11)

Barbara (not verified)

whatever2009

Is there no way I can do this without cutting her off? No. Tell her you need to cut it off for 6 month to heal. It's just too close and ask her to please understand. Sorry. That's the deal. You must do this. I can promise you you will feel MUCH better come June if you do. Is there anything I can do about having him trying to swoop into my circle of friends? No. If you do something, he'll know he got to you and step up the bullshit. Or should I just ignore it and keep on going? He hates the guys in my circle, and now he's trying to hang out with them? Ignore!! He's trying to bait you. Anyone who mentions him - just hold up your hand and say "do not mention that person to me" - if they don't listen - WALK AWAY, LEAVE or HANG UP ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#7 Jan 15 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

quietude (not verified)

whatever

I agree, you have made HUGE strides, the next being to block as much abuse out of your life as possible. Anyone getting something out of passing on info. to you from the N should be blocked. If they are a true friend, they would not impose on you or your healing process.

#8 Jan 15 - 10PM (Reply to #13)

MsVulcan500

Yeah. I agree too. I have

Yeah. I agree too. I have a friend who was actually his friend first. Luckily I got her in the split. We talk all the time and his name rarely comes up on either side. If it does, it's usually one of us saying that our friendship is the one good thing I got from him. I guess what I'm saying is if this friend is really a true friend, you should have enough things to talk about besides the N. She should not be bringing him up to you at all. I think you should tell her that since she can't keep from mentioning him, you need to not talk to her for a while because it is really impeding your progress.

#9 Jan 14 - 2PM

Carolyn

Did you know that people who

Did you know that people who have been drug free or alcohol free miss it everyday even though it was ruining their lives? that is why AA works for people-they can go to meetings, not be judged, and feel comraderie. this website is like Alcoholics Anonymous for Narc addicts. The endorphins they trigger is the drug and the abuse and devaluing is the withdrawl. If that gal is such a great friend why is she still living with that monster. You are getting interested in what he does and who he does it with so you need to post and get it out of your system. just like any other addiction it doesn't leave you. Time, in this case, will heal this wound and eventually you won't care. In the mean time post here, hangout and get some support. This isn't easy you deserve a lot of credit for getting this far.

#10 Jan 14 - 11AM

itreallyisabouthim

"your NOT missing

"your NOT missing anything...your just not receiving 3-5 phone calls a day about NOTHING!!!!" I had to laugh at that one because I can SOOOOO relate!!!! I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like you have a hard choice to make. I think the reason you're bringing it up is you know that the situation is a pretty big obstacle to your recovering from the relationship. I wish I had some words of advice, I just wanted to say that I feel for you being in this situation and hope you find a way out of it. I know you'd hate to lose your friend and maybe if you talk to her enough about it she will realize that to save the friendship she may have to modify her behavior and possibly even living situation.

#11 Jan 14 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

whatever2009

itreallyisabouthim ....

you can relate...YES!!!! did yours call you with the DUMBEST things ever?

#12 Jan 14 - 9AM

quietude (not verified)

whatever

This definitely falls under the catagory, 'conflict of interest', imho. Your best friend living with the exN is just hitting too close to home...literally. As this friend is occasionally dropping information that you just don't need to hear, she may also be doing the same with him. But then again, it doesn't matter what the ex thinks. The point is, I worry about the proximity of this hurting you while you're trying to heal. And it seems like she's just not getting the "I don't want to hear it message". My question is, why does she want to live with this crazy person?? Are accomodations that hard up in your neck of the woods?? I know you're just venting; personally, I think my healing has been much easier because I'm fortunate that my exN is halfway accross the globe, and I've made sure there are as few reminders around of him as I possible could manage.

#13 Jan 14 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

whatever2009

hi quietude!!

ya, maybe I just need to scream it.. STOP TELLING ME THINGS. She lives with him because she is helping him raise his son. He has the 60% custody. The son needs her, and has made it clear he doesnt want her to leave. The exN also has frontal lobe damage from an accident years ago, so my friend (his cousin) keeps his date together and pretty much is like his assistant. She said she treats him like a patient, and thats how she survives. She refuses to leave him until his son is old enough to avoid his dad on his own.

#14 Jan 14 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

whatever2009

Maybe you need to go NC with her until she gets that she should NOT talk to you about him ever... this is all CONTACT so you're still at day ZERO, whatever ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

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