The End Game

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#1 Oct 11 - 9PM
anonymous
anonymous's picture

The End Game

Hi all - some stuff I read about Narcs and the 'end game'. As some of you know, when the ex-narc dumped me, he said that at his core, is a 'cold, analytical personality always doing math and looking out at the endgame.' Some stuff I've read in Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life explains this process and the havoc it wreaks. These passages really resonated with me and feel like the author is using me and the ex-narc as the model. Too bad it's not just the two of us - it's anyone who is a victim of a narc slimeball.

Anyway - here you go. Better Off - I know you'll relate to this....

“The narcissist is at all times a deceiver, never straight, clear, or true. He thrives in a illusive world of curves and meanders. He has mastered the ability to delude himself and others. Like a sorcerer, he hatches intricate plots in secret. He is the writer, director, producer, and actor in his unfolding drama. The proposal he brings to the table is never the “real deal”. Like a seasoned poker player, the narcissist knows how to bluff his rivals, when to raise the stakes, and when to fold. Cold-blooded in his approach, he masterminds an end game that devastated his adversaries, leaving him intact.”

Morty’s comment - This explains why we all feel that he got away scot-free.

“Emotionally detached and isolated, the narcissist is incapable of truly caring for someone else. This callousness allows him to launch plans that psychologically wound others if he perceives them as a threat (from Morty – I suspect in a narc’s mind, physical violence is not the only threat – a loving, empathetic Ideal Woman is a threat too because the narc knows that she can and will figure him out one day and call his bluff and it scares him like a little kid caught red-handed with his hand in the cookie jar). In his obsession to win at all costs, he is unencumbered by ethics or morality. Hurt feelings, financial ruin, blighted reputations, incipient illnesses, broken relationships, suicides – are the tragic residue of the narcissist’s endeavors. He leaves many lives in disarray and chaos, like bodies strewn on a battlefield. He coolly steps over these ravaged corpses to reach his destination. A narcissist cannot be loyal to another human being. The length of a relationship or its history is never a factor in how long it will last. At some point, determine by HIS wishes and desires, the relationship will come to an end. The narcissist will make his decisive move, leaving his partner, friend, or spouse bruised, battered, and abandoned.”

“The narcissist is always aware of the end game – how he will dispose of a partner, colleague, employee, wife, or mistress – when someone ceases to be of value. (From Morty – this makes me sick. This is EXACTLY what the narc did to me and to his ex-wife before me). In his psychological world one person is interchangeable with another. … The iron grip of the narcissist’s control extends to all significant people in his life: spouses, lovers, partners, children, colleagues, employees. His grand plan is to perpetuate and maintain his personal and professional power. Those under his control are not free to lead their own lives, to make decisions and mistakes, to use their talents and energies, to have their own dreams. Their only purpose is to assist the narcissist in fulfilling his grandiose vision of himself.”

“The narcissistic personality controls others the way he was controlled as a child. The mother of the narcissist is often narcissistic herself. She projects on her child an image of omnipotence and perfection. She is incapable of accepting him as a distinct, authentic individual. She sees him through the distorted lens of the idealized image she created. She remains tied to the picture of the perfect child she has molded. The child in turn never detaches himself from her psychologically. Mother and child remain tragically locked in an unbroken symbiosis."

From Morty - his effing mother. She's a musician without a pot to piss in. The narc supports her by paying her mortgage, buying her a Mercedes (because a Toyota isn't good enough for Mommy) and supplementing her meager church music directory's salary to buy groceries and keep the lights on. She's on the internet with invitations to her church groups to visit her "stunning, antiques-filled home for gourmet dessert" or whatever. Fucking bitch doesn't have a pot to piss in yet she's advertising how fake-rich she is by telling everyone about her damned antiques. Hmm... come to think of it, sounds exaclty like HIM!

“Often very attractive, narcissists know exactly how to manipulate others. Combined with stunning appearance and social polish is a compelling self-confidence. When the high-level narcissist focuses his charms on others, they feel more alive. He gives the impression that he understands you intimately and has your best interests at heart. This charm is seductive, containing a powerful sexual component. He communicates that “you are the most important person in the world. I know what you want, and I will get it for you.” He is clever at discerning the narcissistic needs of others. He presents himself as a savior who understands your deepest longings for attention and a sense of specialness.” (From Morty – Jesus H. Christ!!!! This woman is writing about me and him!)

“Those who are enchanted by the narcissist believe that he holds the magic that will lift them out of their ordinary, predictable lives. Everyone wishes at one time or another to be rescued. We want someone else to take over for us, to love us unconditionally, to give us what we want. This wish to be adored is primary and irresistible. It reaches back to earliest childhood, when we were dependent on a mother’s love in order to survive. The narcissist, with his arresting charm and sheer force of personality, is capable of activating these deep wishes in others and using his desirability to exploit them.”

Oct 12 - 7PM
Nicole96
Nicole96's picture

Thanks Morty

I read this book too a little while back but now that i have discovered some new information and after reading this post i really need to go back and read it again! For the longest time after he abandoned me i was still giving him the benefit of the doubt... denying he was that evil/manipulative/un-empathetic... but its all true!!! so sickening!!
Oct 12 - 7PM (Reply to #53)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Nicole - the benefit of the doubt

Giving the benefit of the doubt - yeah, been there done that. Still find myself slipping into that in my head sometimes. When I do, I picture him at his worst with his aloof stare and sniffing as if the air isn't good enough to be in his flaring little nostrils and I say, nah, he doesn't deserve it. And if it gets really bad, I have my friend slap some sense into me. He told me two weeks ago when I was really triggered that if I ever went back to the narc when the day comes that narc-boy raises his little finger, my friend will chain me to my chair and talk sense into me. =) It's so hard. I know. You want so badly to believe the best in people, ESPECIALLY in someone you loved and who claimed to love you. I'm glad the post helped Nicole.
Oct 12 - 7PM (Reply to #54)
Nicole96
Nicole96's picture

List of protectors

After this last weekend (when i discovered some really really horrible stuff that totally turned me off to EVER wanting him back...) my list of "People who promise to shoot me if i ever take him back" is hopefully not needed. But that has been one of my favorite questions to ask friends and family... "Are you in line to shoot me if i ever take him back?"
Oct 12 - 8PM (Reply to #55)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Protectors

In the beginning, I sub-consciously chose my protectors and told them all about the shit he had done, even though I was like Luke friggin' Skywalker and still believed there was 'good in him'. I realize now that not only was I venting, I was building up a list of protectors - people who I could trust to slap me silly if the time ever came and I was summoned into Darth Vader's presence chamber. Well, maybe Vader is a bad example because there did turn out to be a minscule bit of good in him (although not much). The Emperor - he's a better choice. So now, even if I were to backslide into longing or whatever, my protectors would have a fucking cow and lock me up until I was sane and rational again.
Oct 12 - 5PM
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Oh MY GOD....

I've changed this to 'she'... I'm so fucking angry!!!!!! “The narcissistic personality controls others the way she was controlled as a child. The mother of the narcissist is often narcissistic herself. (I knew this was the case, I just knew) She projects on her child an image of omnipotence and perfection. She is incapable of accepting her as a distinct, authentic individual. She sees her through the distorted lens of the idealized image she created. She remains tied to the picture of the perfect child she has molded. The child in turn never detaches himself from her psychologically. Mother and child remain tragically locked in an unbroken symbiosis." Her mother DD me... I knew she was at the heart of the problem... I realise now my feelings of empathy are now paying off! When her mum DD me it made me feel 'not good enough'. Just like her ex husband. Oh - and her mum is on her own - just like they'll all end up - on there fucking own. I hope it hurts like fucking hell just like the shit they dished out to us!!! The day of reckoning is on its way!!! Christ this just fits the fucking bill. This is so fucking spot on.. Thanks Morty for posting this.. I'm on a rant now girls!!! Sorry... This v. intelligent, well put together piece, sums it up perfectly for me.. this site and you ladies have saved my life - my mojo is coming back and christ I'm on a mission... and yes you will soar!! your lives will get better and better while they can NOT!! There stuck with the emotions of a child in an adults body... Fake, fake, fake.. i'd rather be on my own honest with myself and with everyone else, sleep at night, happy with who I am, happy with what I have (and I have A LOT!) and happy with what i am doing - even if its washing the fucking dishes - they're are my dishes - no one else's - mine... my house, my beautiful children, my friends, my ex wife (who has been v. understanding and more help than that fucking bitch!) i would rather have all this and more, any day and be thankful, than live with THAT! A fucking fake! I'm keeping this post for now and yes there will a day in the not too distant future where i simply wont fucking care. Bring IT ON!!
Oct 12 - 9PM (Reply to #49)
ClusterF
ClusterF's picture

It's good to be pissed off

I almost lost my life and spent most of this year hiding and terrified but now I am Pissed Off and it is so much better!!! Got a lot of energy from this whole thread. End game indeed. Fuckhead crackhead murdering psychopathic bastard.
Oct 13 - 6PM (Reply to #51)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Year in Hiding

I'm sorry. It's sick that we have to hide because of these defective excuses for human beings. We suffer and they go on their merry way to devise a new end game. God they make me sick.
Oct 13 - 2PM (Reply to #50)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

ClusterF

"Fuckhead crackhead murdering psychopathic bastard." Really funny LOL x
Oct 12 - 6PM (Reply to #43)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Bloke

I'm glad the post helped. "I hope it hurts like fucking hell just like the shit they dished out to us!!! The day of reckoning is on its way!!!" It won't ever hurt for them - they don't know how to feel. Sad to say, but true. I too am looking forward to the day when I simply don't care. We'll all get there, some more quickly than others.
Oct 12 - 6PM (Reply to #44)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

They DO hurt... just NOT the normal way

I have to argue that yes, Ns/Ps feel, just NOT the normal way. They don't know how to handle the emotions of others. The ex-Psych professor would sneer at me that I was "TOO HAPPY" if I were happy, and command me to "be serious." He hated seeing me happy... somehow it hurt him. The fact I had friends and family... somehow it hurt him. When he got in the habit of standing me up at concerts/lectures, I told him I ended up with my friends, that I got tired of waiting for him, and he'd whine "Go be with your friends. I'm not important to you." When he ex-P was told he was wrong.. when he was questioned... he felt HURT. Normals like us sometimes feel that way, but for Ns/Ps, such critiques are life-threatening. When the ex-P was mocked, he felt HURT. Normals like us might not like being taunted, but for an N/P,it's worse. What a scratch is to us is a bleeding ulcer to them. He'd taunt me mercilessly, but if I taunted him... he'd get all timid and scared.
Oct 12 - 7PM (Reply to #45)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Susan - Feeling hurt

"when he was questioned... he felt HURT. " That's a very good point - you are right. They do have feelings. Those of a 6 year old child or petulant teenager. Not being flip about it - another book I read said that the definition of NPD is, in part, the failure to grow up and have adult feelings. I stand corrected. Thanks! =)
Oct 12 - 10PM (Reply to #47)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Three Year Old

I think more like three year olds. Six is too mature. The weeping is like a three year old. The drama when they don't get what they want is a three year old. The hysteria when you're leaving for good-- a three year old being left at day care, & then forgets mommy before her car is out of the parking lot. Replaced by new friend or toy, while mommy feels so guilty driving to work. All that bundle of self-interested joy in the body of a 200 lb man who threatens, beats & bullies! And wants sex rather than candy bars & pizza for breakfast.
Oct 13 - 7AM (Reply to #48)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Agnes I Agree!

I think it is more like a 2 -3 year old little boy who thinks he is gods gift tot he world froevermore, I remember my EXN first showed me a little puzzle of him as a little boy, maybe he was 5 years old and he proudly showed it,like a kid at show ans tell, like it was the most special thing in the world, all i could say to myself was that is cute, but big deal, I am sure lots of us as kids had a photo taken and then cut into pieces like a puzzle to put together......They are in the bodies of adults but emotionally tapped as 2 to 4 year olds.it is incredibly pathetic and they have no clue.
Oct 12 - 7PM (Reply to #46)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Hitting where it hurts

The ex-P always seemed on the verge of a nervous breakdown during the Q&A session after lectures. He wondered why students would have the nerve to question their professors! Being a philosopher means being able to ask questions. And handle them. The ex-P is *not* qualified for the title of philosopher, no matter how much grant $$$ he gets. The ex-P used to mock my family, and I'd take him to task for it. I'd tell him "how would you feel if I cruelly mocked your family?" He then would petulantly say "Don't use my family as an example!" He just didn't get it. Marrying the ex-P would have been Adventures in Babysitting...
Oct 12 - 4PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Absolutely . I knew my narc

Absolutely . I knew my narc knew i would go one day , it was just a matter of time as the mask slipped away . Shit he tryed to take me down with him . High five sister for an excellent post xxx
Oct 12 - 8PM (Reply to #41)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Back at ya sista

Thanks Scoop - glad it helped!
Oct 12 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I am completely freaked

I am completely freaked out. I never ever thought of it this way. Good grief you ladies give me so much food for thought. . . The End Game. ExNarc knew he would go down in flames. When I look back on all the weird shit he said that made no sense (but had a creepy undertone, made my gut go nuts inside me) he was TELLING me he was doomed. And that I was doomed, too, and that if I was with him, he would take me down, too. In my exNarcs case, since I got rid of him, he's been popping in and out of the Greybar Hotel (read: prison, probation and parole). He is literally swirling around the drain. He is in mid forties and looks like late fifties. He is a wreck. He was drowning when I met him, and when I reached out to save his pathetic, useless ass he stood on me to get his last breath. This gets so personal, in a way that only makes sense if you know my individual Narc, and I KNEW him better than anyone ever had. He knew he was on the highway to Hell. And he just wanted some company. He knew where he was going and wanted a companion along the way. Who wants to be alone, hmmm?? His "end game" didn't include using me up and finding an OW to replenish his supply. I fully expect to hear of his death. THis year, this month, this week. I escaped with (most) of my life. Thank you, Morty, for this brilliant insight. It has given me a boost, for sure :)
Oct 12 - 3PM (Reply to #37)
Jewwell
Jewwell's picture

Drowning

"He was drowning when I met him, and when I reached out to save his pathetic, useless ass he stood on me to get his last breath." This was my experience, too. The person I originally met - religious, spiritual, attentive, etc... gave way to the drowning, broke, homeless person I tried to help. I knew him better than his ex did from the COUNTLESS hours of talking we did (or HE DID). Only to recently find out that he also "stepped" on me after I took a real risk in helping him with a HUGE life changing event. Do they not think at all before they do something that will hurt someone so bad? I know the answer -- NO!!!!!
Oct 12 - 9PM (Reply to #38)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Which is why the next time

Which is why the next time you get the urge to rescue some drowning man, throw him a big rock instead. He's probably drowning for a reason
Oct 12 - 10PM (Reply to #39)
Jewwell
Jewwell's picture

Briseis - YES - throw a rock instead of helping!!

YES, YES, YES ! You are so right! I am discovering (and re-discovering) so many things about myself through all of you amazing women/men on this board. Why do I feel the need to help everyone else? Even the N said I was "cheap with myself" and it is SO true. I get my hair cut at the $16 shop. I love the feeling of getting myself a bargain at Ross...but I don't hesitate to spend $100K on my kids' education or lend the N $2400 to move into his apartment! I live in an affluent suburb and I think I hide my "self-cheapness" well -- I can pull myself together well and look like the others...
Oct 12 - 2PM (Reply to #32)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Briseis - Individual End Games

I'm sorry you freaked. I did too when I read the book. Better Off suggested the same in her own indomitable way and when I read those passages in the book, I got chills up and down my spine. You wrote, "His "end game" didn't include using me up and finding an OW to replenish his supply." My ex-narc was the same - there was no OW who replaced me. That wasn't the purpose of him discarding me. He was cerebral. The purpose, I am now convinced, was because I had gotten too close. Too close meaning someone he might actually have some feelings for. Someone who did understand him. He actually said that his cold, calculated look at the math was intentional - specifically designed to protect his heart from getting hurt. He actually admitted that one day I might have enough and dump him and that that would be too explosive for him to deal with so he was ending it now. He set it up in the beginning by suggesting that he may one day find he couldn't deal with me being a mother and then used that as the excuse. He had an endgame in mind right from the start, had a plan and then executed on the plan. Did the same to his ex-wife too. I guess the only good news is that he isn't so dangerously psychotic that he commits crimes of the illegal sort like your ex did. But crimes of the heart? Those are his particular specialty. This whole concept is freaky. It chilling to the soul.
Oct 14 - 5PM (Reply to #35)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

For morty,

Years ago I said to my EXN you want to drop me out of fear I will abandon YOU and a smile crept over his face,knowingly and he said yes to that. They have terrible issues of abandonment and as I mentioned earlier i will swear on a Bible it is because their MOTHERS abandoned them by not letting them develope their own unique self!!!i really believe that is it in a nutshell, so forevermore they are damn and determined to not let anyone into their suit of armour who could possibly hurt them in any way shape or form.It is like their life is a castle with the drawbridge up nice and tight to them so no one may enter.Let me know your thoughts on what i just wrote, thanks!
Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #36)
Tinker
Tinker's picture

abandonment

exactly ~ they are afraid of being left first. if i made the smallest complaint, he'd come back full force with rants on how he's had it with me/us. it was pure fear on his part. his mother abandoned him on and off as a small child and his father was PTSD from the war and an alcoholic. sad, but it created the N he is. his brother is one also.
Oct 12 - 3PM (Reply to #33)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

It truly is chilling. I'm

It truly is chilling. I'm far enough out that this "freak out" is in a safe place where it's more of a "WHEEEEYEEEEWWWW! I escaped with my life!" More validation, more reinforcement. Another bit to add to my story :)
Oct 12 - 3PM (Reply to #34)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Excaped with our lives

All of us who initiate and maintain NC escape with our lives. Some of us literally and some figuratively. The Narc in your life - Thank God you go away. A testament to your strength and capacity. And now you've turned all that shit around and are helping others. Awesome Briseis.
Oct 12 - 10AM
hopefuljms
hopefuljms's picture

The last time I saw mine (in

The last time I saw mine (in December) and before I found out the truth he actually said that he thought he jinxed us 10 years prior when he said we might have to wait 15 years to be together (after both of my children were grown). It was almost like he was saying I'll be back. He went so far as to tell one of his good friend and one of mine that he realized I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He just forgot the part about being engaged to someone else! When I found out the truth in April I sent him an email saying I knew it all and went NC. He quickly set a date with the new supply and married her 3 months later. I guess he is figuring 5 years with her and then he'll try again. FAT CHANCE
Oct 12 - 10AM (Reply to #30)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

This Year I was where you were 10 years ago

In February, he told our mutual friend that he knows that he really screwed up with me and that he can only hope that one day he 'gets the chance to someday make it up to me'. My friend just told me this but not because he was being insensitive - it was to point out to me that this guy really does view me no differently than as if I were an appliance - sitting on the shelf just waiting for him to plug me in again when he needs to use me. If my friend had told me back in February, I would have lost so much. I would have not gone NC - I would have kept trying to convince him that it was possible for him to make it up to me NOW, not 10 years from now. I'm so glad that my friend didn't tell me then and that he told me now that I know what the N is. Because now I know that he will be back someday - in 10 years when my daughter is grown. And he will be even more pathetic than he is now and I will see him for what he is. Yes, yours is probably figuring 5 years with her and then he'll try again. I know mine will. He thinks he can blithely fuck people over for what he needs, go on his merry way, then then come back to fuck them over again. What he doesn't count on is their psychological growth. He assumes they're fixed in time, still longing for him because he has no clue that people aren't exactly like him - rigid, inflexibe, unable to grow psycologically. Does he honestly think that in the future, once my daugher is grown, I'll let him back in my life to re-fuck me over and potentially my daughter and HER children if she has any at that time? He honestly thinks that almost destroying my family once wasn't enough of an eye-opener for me? And he's longing for the chance to try again, only calling it making it up to me? Sick, fucking sick.
Oct 12 - 10AM (Reply to #25)
Used
Used's picture

hopeflsjims

what a load of bs... he jinxed it ten years ago..... no he was secureing your availabilty for another 15years... he will be back alright... they dont go away... i remember a day out with narc..and him saying i am going to buy you something tomorrow when we meet up..or if i dont buy it tomorrow... we will choose it...weds, thurs ,firday or saturday.. thereby securing me for another 4 days... i disappeared... what a plank..
Oct 12 - 5PM (Reply to #27)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Oh yes

they come back. Mine came back 15 years later and its the same shit. Only this time he frequently tells me Ill always love you. Translation: Ill shit on you today and if you dont like it and leave Ill wait a couple of years and sucker you back under the guise of "I always loved you" I have felt that there was some significance to the always. I know it is just that. He once told a friend years ago. She's mine and Ill come back for her when I want her. He made good on that one!
Oct 12 - 6PM (Reply to #28)
Jewwell
Jewwell's picture

Time passes differently for a N

N's don't seem to experience time in the same way we do. "I'll call you back later" can mean in a month to them, when most of us assume it means later in the same day. The N was always saying things like, "It's 2:30 ALREADY?" like he hadn't seen a clock all day. Odd! When they come back weeks/months/years later they just don't have a sense of time gone by like we do.