Even in Death, The Narc Hasn't Changed

Hello friends, I haven't felt the need to post here in a long time, but I'm currently experiencing something that I'd like to share. I married my xh at 19 to escape my FOO. It wasn't a few months before I'd realized I had made a big mistake. The pressures from his family, our church & my low self worth kept me in the marriage for 32 years. He had health issues including a seizure disorder & HD, an inherited neurological disease that deteriorates the brain. For every crazy behavior he exhibited, I gave him the benefit of doubt & blamed it on the disease. I raised our kids alone. He was always with his mistress...his business, only taking 1 family vacation to visit with his family. I was #5 on his list of priorities. His hobbies were drinking, talking about himself and watching porn. I asked for a divorce when our youngest was 2. His response? He tried to light himself on fire & spent a month in lockdown. He insisted I didn't tell anyone b/c our business would suffer. I stuck by him. We did lots of therapy. Nothing changed. When he took a disability retirement I was still working. We had an inground pool that he insisted on swimming in even though I worried he would seize & drown. I asked him to leave when our youngest was 14. His response? He used nitro to set himself on fire. Our D witnessed this. I was done babysitting & told him to leave.

His sister & I were very close until that time. Not only did she turn on me, but on my D, accusing her of causing the divorce b/c I would choose her side. Yes, I did try to protect her from him. His sister chose his divorce attorney & off she went. They made my life a living hell for 5 years nit picking every tiny issue. After the divorce was final, the sister dropped out of sight. I didn't know about narcissism but I knew that his sister & brother seemed like narcs. My xnh was diagnosed w/narcissism & passive /aggressive traits while he was in psychiatric lockdown. Now I knew. I knew it wasn't me that was crazy. I had no guilt about leaving him.

A year ago, he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Our kids have had periods of NC with their dad due to his abusiveness, even going to their places of employment in a drunken rage. He has never come to visit his kids. No graduations, weddings, house warmings etc. Our D has been managing his care from 100 miles away for the last year. She became his medical POA, found a daily care taker, goes to all his appointments taking FMLA w/o pay & conferences with the many doctors he has. So in steps the sister. I suspect she's sniffing around for money. She takes my D to lunch & tries to manipulate through tears about how he shouldn't get any treatment as he only has a few months to live. D does not agree. Next day, xnh calls our D and tells her never to come to the doctors again or come to visit him. She goes NC again. So she gets a call from the caretaker "Your dad just wants to live out the rest of his life at home. He wants you & brother to really get to know him before he dies". Baaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa! When D told me this she said "You know mom, he's already showed me who he is. Wouldn't he want to get to know us instead". YES!

Sorry this is so long. If you think they will change, they won't. The sickness only gets worse as they age. Fortunately my kids are well grounded & don't despise him. It's much harder for D b/c she is younger. She is looking for an atta girl or a thank you, I appreciate what you do for me. That will never come. It's been very difficult to blame his actions on the disease w/o taking it personally. But that's how we must look at this. Thanks for listening.