Ever have couseling or therapy with your N?

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#1 Feb 24 - 6PM
wsh
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Ever have couseling or therapy with your N?

& if so, how did it go? What was your experience with both the therapist and your N?

Feb 26 - 7AM
onwithmylife
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wsh

we went to couples counseling on HIS suggestion and had a man, not very good one, but he said to narc that he needed individual counseling to get into his 'depression issues' and then we should come back together, the narc never did and so that was that after 2- sessions..............He would never admit any wrongdoing, his first wife and he went to a tons of therapists she told me once and he always tried to make himself smarter that the therapist, it NEVER works, that requires self reflection , they do not want to do that........my exnarc got so mad when i went to a real estate lawyer to protect my money if we bought a house together, he had no money to put in to it, it was all mine, he wrote me such a a hateful letter, even though i asked him if he wanted to go with me, and i would change the appointment so he could go, but did not think he needed to, as it was all my money and i would tell him everything that the lawyer and i talked about, he was after my money, even said to me once:i never loved you i just wanted us to get a house together so i could drive you off the cliff and gwt the house" later said it was just a joke when i called him on that, some joke, ......
Feb 26 - 6PM (Reply to #18)
MountainLady
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When we started to have

When we started to have problems I remember my Narc telling me that he wouldn't do counseling, before I even mentioned it. He said that on 2 different occasions. Since I never sugested we go, I have a feeling that he has been diagnosed as Narcissistic in the past and was afraid I would find out. That would totally destroy his game, at least with me. Narcs don't CARE if they are narcs. They won't do anything about it anyway. They are PERFECT...it's the rest of the world that has problems.
Feb 26 - 2AM
janemarie
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Im glad you posted

Im glad you posted this....it's nice to see...get more validation...that mine were both narcs.....although each acted differently when it came to counseling...the end result was the same!!! My exh...refused to go...then only when I told him I wanted to separate did he agree to go...We had to switch therapist THREE TIMES because they were all saying the same things (his expectations of me were unrealistic and he was emotionally abusive)...he claimed they werent helping and how they were useless....we stopped going...got divorced. My exboyfriend was an advocate of therapy...always spoke so very highly of it...claimed he committed 5 years to it and how his ex wife never knew of it (yeah because it didnt really happen)...he saw a therapist after our third breakup (that was the only way I would go back with him)...he went once a week for about a month and then told me he didnt need it anymore and plus it costed him too much (10 dollar co pay)..... whatever 2 different circumstances...same result..they both didnt feel they NEEDED to go cause they are perfect!!!
Feb 25 - 5PM
Jar of hearts
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Red flag/ turning point!

Mine freaked out big time when I suggested going to counselling with him to help him with his issues ...... He lied about having bc he was a Narc! Just a wolf in sheeps clothing !! Xx
Feb 25 - 1PM
agnesmurphy17
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Therapy a waste of time

WHen mine started to loose control over me, he insisted we go to counseling. I went with hesitation to keep the peace. I was already plotting my escape. These guys have radar for any shifts in the victim's emotions. Well, he snookered the therapist in the beginning. She thought he was a great & sensitive guy. I was extremely cautious. Never really said the truth in front of either of them. And he would leave there enraged that I was not more positive about him! (And I'm thinking, buddy I have never even gotten anywhere near telling the truth.) And he used the therapist as a proxy bully. Justifying three days of the silent treatment by saying: "The therapist says I'm flooded. I can't talk when I'm flooded. I need a time out." But if I ever walked away from his verbal abuse & refused to engage, he would say: "The therapist says that ignorning is 'contempt. You're treating me with contempt. You are destroying out marriage." When I left him, he begged me to stay. I said you are so unhappy with me, you have been telling me this all the time. Then I said, for 33% of our marriage you were not talking to me. He denied that. I took out calenders & showed him that I marked off every day of the silent treatment. His response: "You're so negative." I'm negative for keeping track of his silent treatment. But there's nothing negative about his silent treatment? Oh, right. He's flooded. Oh, the double standard with these guys is enough to drive anybody crazy. How I wrapped my mind around this nonsense! Why?
Feb 26 - 1AM (Reply to #13)
abreva
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Yes. Me too. Exactly.

"WHen mine started to loose control over me, he insisted we go to counseling. I went with hesitation to keep the peace. I was already plotting my escape." And then, like you said, he would use and twist the "therapist's" words against me during arguments. He even picked a fight with me after a "therapy" session right outside the therapist's front door. He was so hostile, I thought he would hit me with the car. I only agreed to go because he was so ramped that it was a way for me to delay him knowing that I was leaving. I was biding my time. It didn't work, however, because the "therapy" ramped him more, and then I had to run for my life. Oh well. I'm out now. That's the good part. Just stay away from "therapy" and get the heck out of the relationship --- and then STAY out.
Feb 26 - 8AM (Reply to #14)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

abusive relationships & therapy

Yes. I have read that therapy is very dangerous in abusive relationships. The victim tries so earnestly to help because she believes the therapist can fix this relationship. The victim reveals the full extent of the abuse & reveals her feelings. This is so dangerous because the abuser is shamed in front of the therapist. But cannot act out in front of the therapist -- still wearing the mask of the good guy there. When they leave the therapist's office, the abuser will punish the victim. The abuse will become even more savage. The therapist my N selected was no match. She may have had a PhD. But my N was a professional academic & had read all the psychology books. He ran circles around the therapist. Later I learned that my N managed to keep his first wife in control by visiting therapists on & off throughout their 20 years together. He was just trying to follow the same pattern. But it didn't work because (unlike the first wife) I did not believe that this therapy would achieve anything. I was treading water & not revealing very much at all. Just trying to prevent any huge blow ups.
Feb 24 - 10PM
wsh
wsh's picture

Yeah....pre-nup

Pre-nup was MY idea because I've got significantly more $$ than he does. He didn't fight the idea at all either, so I felt sure that he was NOT marrying me for $$. I think differently NOW! I got sick & tired of paying the bills, including vacations that no matter how much "plannin" we did or what agreements we had, ALWAYS ended with doing what HE wanted, me spending most of the time watching him act out with other women, then fighting cause I don't want sex after watching his shit all day, & I get to PAY for it to boot! But he couldn't even spend $2.00 on a card for me.....Val.Day, birthday, anniversaries were IGNORED. When I filed divorce he told me he "could" go after me for money if he wanted to......I said "go for it asshole & I'll mail copies of my "evidence" to every person in your life".....he shut up (& he HATES the word asshole, so of course I use it whenever I'm pissed). I strongly advise pre-nups.....& copies of "evidence" you find......never know when you'll need it! And Good Luck to you Phantom Adoration with your court date.
Feb 24 - 10PM
wsh
wsh's picture

Thank you!

Thank you all for responding. I was curious to see if others' experiences were the same, which is as I expected. First we saw a woman....he quit after 3 sessions calling her a "F'g bitch". So....we went to a man. At first I thought N. was being successful in getting the therapist to buy his bullshit, but after a few sessions HE started confronting my husband on his CONTRADICTIONS & "changing stories". Also could NOT make husband see that his deceit/lies was destroying trust. No......it was just ME who is "untrusting" & "insecure" blah, blah, blah..... Therapist actually advised me to give it up -- "don't waste your time or money. He's one nut no one will ever crack." So I did! Husband's "take" on HIM was "he's a mamby-pamby gutt-less wonder" & an "idiot" who was "probably whipped in his own marriage." Hence......divorce pending! Yet.....he refuses to sign consent papers (we could be DONE in 30 days if he did). Just more control. So....I'll be stuck waiting another 18 months to get my divorce whether he likes it or not! I've also got an iron-clad pre-nup so, in the end.......I WIN!!!! Got MY control back & the fact that he hates that is sooooo gratifying! This site is a God-send....thank you!
Feb 24 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Redhead
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Oh man - you have a prenup -

Oh man - you have a prenup - I'm jealous!!
Feb 24 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
phantom adoration
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To piss him off is worth the

To piss him off is worth the 18 month wait as you will likely take that much longer to heal. My first legal battle is this Monday, just for temporary support. As I said in an earlier post, the minute the focus turned to him in counseling he ran....the first red flag, one of many I did not see at the time. There all over the place now, flappping in my face and I am out.
Feb 24 - 9PM
abreva
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Stay away from "therapy" with the N

The N will use it to manipulate you and the the therapist. It's disgusting. And the records will be revealed for custody. Stay away.
Feb 24 - 9PM
ordinarycourage
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Forewarned

I was seeing a counselor toward the end of my marriage to ExN and was warned not to attempt couples therapy. I was told it would be used against me and a waste of time...the same with mediation. My ExN started seeing a therapist, with a Ph.D. who happened to graduate from the same school as the ExN so he felt this therapist was superior and worthy of treating him! It really makes my head spin sometimes.
Feb 24 - 8PM
Redhead
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Oh yes - he suggested this

Oh yes - he suggested this when he moved out to buy time & keep me strung along. When I announced that in order for our marriage to work, he would have to give up his female entourage & that the counselor had his number, he discarded me & walked out. He tried his best to make it my fault, because I was just so unhappy.
Feb 24 - 7PM
phantom adoration
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Oh yeah

It was all about me according to him...my issuses, when the spotlight switched to him...he quit.
Feb 24 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
missym
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of course....but it was

of course....but it was always about me....and what I did to make our "relationship" so tormented. He would withdraw from it if the counslor ever tried to crack his issues or role....or he would try to have the counselor become supply...then (sometimes them together) would rail on me. Now he actually goes to a psychiatrist...who apparently agrees on what a "great guy" he is....someone who is just "happy go lucky" wanting to enjoy life....what a great guy. Puke. 3 counselors told me during our long time in this counseling mode- "get out...he is a narc....he has the emotional maturity of an 18 year old." I did get out....thank god. IT IS POINTLESS AND A WASTE OF MONEY>
Feb 24 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
phantom adoration
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ha ha

Now he is a $ource for his psychiatrist, they deserve each other.
Feb 25 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
missym
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Exactly.....money for nothing

Exactly.....money for nothing and your chicks for free.