For everyone struggling with the NC

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#1 Dec 13 - 7PM

gettinbetter

For everyone struggling with the NC

Why is a Narcissist Trying to Get You Back?

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.

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Today I have been thinking about the recovery process after ending a relationship with a narcissist. The hardest part is to get over the first weeks and months after the separation. Many people are not strong enough to maintain No Contact and get lured back to the dark realms of a narcissist before they have been able to recover and heal sufficiently. If you are one of these people, please do not be too hard on yourself. It is extremely difficult to break free from a narcissist and mental recovery takes a long time. It usually takes several failed attempts, until one day you simply have enough of all the lies and abuse and you leave without looking back. Even then you might find yourself missing "your" narcissist every now and then, especially if your narcissist is trying actively to get back together with you.

What helps during those moments is to remember the bad moments with a narcissist. One of the tactics I used to get over my narcissistic spouse was to remind myself of something bad he had done whenever I felt I was missing him. When I remembered how my narcissistic spouse had mistreated me, lied to me and cheated on me, my mind was filled with such anger and disgust that all the "nostalgic" thoughts of getting back together with him disappeared instantly. This kind of approach significantly aided my recovery and healing after a narcissist.

In the beginning I was not strong enough to do this, and I found myself asking my narcissistic spouse to get back together with me. That is always a big mistake. A narcissist is feeding on the misery of people around him. When he sees you are "desperately" in love with him, that is the ultimate source of a narcissistic supply. A narcissist is feeling happy to see you suffer due to your love for him or her. A narcissist is enjoying when he or she can discard you and reject you. That makes a narcissist feel he or she is in total control of the situation (and a narcissist is actually right about this, he or she IS in total control and can play around with you as he or she likes, either discard you or mercifully allow you to be with him or her again).

Your pain does not evoke any sympathy in a narcissist. If you show your weakness to a narcissist, you are only making your situation worse and a narcissist gets more Supply when he or she can reject you in a cold, cruel way. Even if a narcissist does not reject you, the end result is that you are only getting back to the point where you started and your misery with a narcissist will continue a bit longer, until finally you find the strength in you to cut a narcissist loose. The longer you wait, the harder it is to heal and recover.

After performing a long-term close observation of my narcissistic spouse, I noticed that he was behaving in a very predictable way. He was in a way like a robot, reacting to certain things always in the same way. Interestingly most of the features in his behavior were classical examples of the behavior of a narcissist. When I finished the relationship with him after finding out about cheating and lying, he totally discarded me, disappeared and was silent for about a month or two. There was only a casual email time to time regarding some practical matters (I responded with one sentence, if even that). Of course he never admitted to cheating and lying, even thought I had the proof. Regardless of his rejection (or perhaps because of that), I slowly started to recover.

Then after couple months his behavior started to change. He started to send emotional emails and he told me he still loved me and wanted to get back together with me (even tho he still could not admit the cheating and lying). My silence and ignorance made me appear like a challenge to him. He HAD to get me back in order to prove himself he was still irresistible. When he was together with me, he had access to a constant narcissistic supply in a form of me telling him all the time how much I loved him. When I was gone from his life, he had no one to tell him those things, and he started to get withdrawal symptoms.

I know he was trying to get together with one woman after our separation (in fact I left him because I found out he was trying to approach this woman in a romantic way behind my back, in other words attempting to have an affair with her). I heard that he praised to her how much he loved her etc but she was not interested in him (I think she was smart enough and could see through his mask already at that early stage, unlike me when I first got together with him). When she kept rejecting him, he felt lost and lonely and turned to me again, trying to get back to his former source of supply. I rejected him, and soon after that he started a relationship with one of his former girlfriends, who was still interested in him enough to get romantically involved with him.

However, he did not find her to be satisfying enough for him, so he kept on calling me and emailing me, telling how much he loved me and missed me. He said that he does not love his former girlfriend as much as he loves me, that he hopes we could be together again etc. He was to say the least emotionally cheating on that poor woman when he was trying to get back together with me behind her back, in the same time sleeping with her and making her believe he wanted to have a future with her. Seeing how easily he was ready to cheat on her and to lie to her made me respect him even less. I knew I would never want to get back with a dishonorable, unreliable person like that. In the end I can say that his pathetic attempts to get back with me even tho he was in the same time already involved with someone else helped me to detach from him mentally.

I will get back to you soon. Now I will send a big virtual hug to you all!

#2 Dec 13 - 8PM

gettinbetter

Fyi Ladies

This is not my personal story but the part about how they enjoy your pain its so true. I think when mine knows Im sobbing over him its the only time that he feels loved though hes never said that.

#3 Dec 13 - 10PM (Reply to #11)

I don t get it ...

What jumped out at me

is that if I don't contact (it's been five weeks) he will contact me sooner or later. When the current supply is getting short, or is exhausted. That's troublesome because I have done everything to not contact him, yet I am concerned that in my vulnerable state I will see him if he asks. One thing that helps, as someone here wrote, is to think of the bad things, and there are a great many of those, so it's not all that difficult. I just want the Christmas music to stop, and the New Year to be here... PS Thanks for posting this SOI

#4 Dec 13 - 8PM

agnesmurphy17

Two Timing

What you describe here is "two timing." With one while working on the other. Mine did this too. In the end, us two women got together. But, the woman was so hurt when I showed her the e-mails from my husband seeking reconciliation with me while he was proposing marriage to her. Actually, in trying to get back with "old supply" -- the N is saying -- you were a better deal. Better money, sex, & services (domestic/secretarial). The women who replaced me was shocked when she saw the e-mails. Then a few months later she said. I had just moved in. And I refused to buy appliances or fixtures for the house. It was a surprise to him. He wanted my money. That's why he tried to reconcile with you. You were a better cash cow. And, I agreed. It was all about who provided more money to subsidize his lifestyle. He bet on her intitially because she made more money than I -- but he miscalculated that she would be willing to share her money with him. So then, me, I didn't look so bad. And suddenly he realized who much he loved me.

#5 Dec 14 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

Susan32

Cash cow

You hit the nail on the head again, Agnes! The BIG argument between the ex-Psych professor and I my junior year was that I was volunteering, and not being paid. He REALLY wanted my $$$. Well, I volunteered anyhow. He said that since my parents were paying my tuition, he was being paid to be my friend. Really. One of his favorite Wittgenstein quotes was that as a professor, he was prostituting his intellect. So he wasn't projecting all the time ;) After the final D&D, he said, "I'm a teacher. It's how I make money." Utterly cold and bland. He saw teaching merely as role-playing. If he wanted role-playing, shouldn't he have played D&D (Dungeons&Dragons) instead???? I honestly think the ex-P D&D'd me for his curator girlfriend because she was the one making more $$$. I was an unemployed student. She was working at a museum not far from the college. A year after the D&D, I learned that he had taken on her last name along with his (hyphenates, sort of like Jolie-Pitt, what a feminist he is) and they had bought a house. He had been renting an apartment before she came into his life. I guess the long-running joke that he wanted me for beer money was true wasn't it?

#6 Dec 14 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

helldweller

the cash cow

This really came as a shock to me. I was very generous with the narc, but he never came out and asked me for anything. This was a guy whose grandparents owned oil wells during the Depression. Whose dad was a judge and mom owned a mobbed up law firm. This guy makes almost 200K a year and has no dependents. But he was asking the OW for a couple hundred bucks to fix his car, or to buy clothes for his foster kid. Just to see if she would do it, I guess.

#7 Dec 14 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

Goldie

OMG that was great

What a riot, cash cow, I love it!!! That's what I was. I love the domestic/secretarial piece too. He'll be back. Who else would cater to this freak? People like me don't come easy and I know this. I'm glad I read this because he will be getting out of jail any day now and I have to be completely 100% ready to ingore him totally. I have been n/c now for 7 months, yet this is with the protection of jail. I will keep playing in my head if I see him somewhere or he tries contact, the cash cow comment. I refuse to speak with a man who views me as his cash cow, how pathetic. Grow the fuck up and get a job asshole!!!! God bless, Goldie

#8 Dec 13 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

aceonelady

agnesmurphy 17 and ladies...

What i do not get in my situation and i hope you ladies opinions is that my ex N is financially broke,last 2 months even got his phone cut off because he could't pay the bill on time,has an underpaid job,no furniture,no tv only a bed a pc and a car...he is since my D&D last year in a very bad shape phisically(gained 40 pounds),he has 3 children to whom he pays child support....he is afro american,he blames also that for his situation...he is into porn since a very young age he is 43 now,and when together he was doing good,even tough we lived in different continents,me in Europe,he in the USA...(please read my story)i loved him,money or not,i never looked down to him,he is a very intelligent guy,he works maintenance at housing authority,very good with his hands ...He D&D me 2 days after i got to Tulsa to spend 3 months with him,and he is NC on me...he still lives alone,do not go out,only groceries and gaming and Porn...Why on Earth he would discard me not having a supply to me? I am good looking,caring,non judgemental and financially ok...i wanted to share everything i have ,my emotions,sexuality,everything with him...He tellsme he do not tust me,and he did before when the mother of his children threw him out after something went on he went to live alone,i even found the apartment he lives in to this day...why would refuse my friendship?He sabotages his own life...maybe is he insane for real?

Aceonelady

#9 Dec 13 - 7PM

gettinbetter

It makes me physically ill

I read this and it makes me physically ill to think of him enjoying my pain

#10 Dec 13 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

Susan32

He enjoyed watching me cry...

The ex-Psych professor actually said this. He was actually quoting the diary of Sofia Tolstoy, who said that her husband Leo enjoyed watching her weep. When Sofia was in the pains of childbirth, he wrote in his diary that he thought he saw the "divine essence of love." Leo Tolstoy got his kicks out of seeing his wife in pain. He never apologized to her or showed remorse for forcing himself on her on their wedding night. In his diary, he even wrote when she suffered from postpartum depression "her depression is great, but my depression is greater." When Sofia wanted to go to a ball, Leo abandoned her and took her sister Tanya instead. Sofia found fulfillment in music; Leo forbade it in his house and mocked her for liking it. Yet he would always write in his letters to Sofia how much he LOVED her. He claimed he loved her, yet when Sofia was suffering after giving birth after their first child, he flew into a murderous rage and said he wanted to wipe her off the face of the Earth because he couldn't bear her suffering. The event that inspired Tolstoy to write "Anna Karenina" was how the local police found the mutilated, naked body of a woman who had thrown herself under a train, committing suicide after an affair had gone wrong. Leo was obsessed with the woman's naked, mutilated body. As was the ex-Psych professor.

#11 Dec 13 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

agnesmurphy17

Believe It!

This is what these guys thrive on. Control. They get a kick out of your submission. Although being hurt the victim returns & returns . . . believing that "I love you" line when all the actions say -- I have nothing but contempt for you. Anything "nice" these Ns do is calculated to elicit that which they seek. Has nothing to do with the victim. Just easier to get what they want by being "nice" rather than using intimidation and force.

#12 Dec 13 - 11PM (Reply to #3)

Jean

I suspect something like this

happened recently with my N. I was talking to another psychologist at work and my N was standing on the other side (this is post D&D) and I saw him watching me. And he had a look of. . .appreciation? enjoyment? I don't know, I thought it was weird. A normal person would be afraid, or avoid looking at me, or still be hurt/angry (as he claimed, victim that he claimed to be). But I've seen that look before, when he told me a story about some woman he threatened at a store (implied he had a gun and she had just pissed him off by taking his parking space). When he told the story, he had that same look of satisfaction. In public, he acts scared of me with some people around, friendly with others around. I got the impression when he was watching me the other day he was sort of reminiscing, remembering how he'd used me and messed with my head and hurt me. But, he has always liked watching me like I am some sort of science experiment. Ick.

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