Ewa's story

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#1 May 30 - 10AM
ewa
ewa's picture

Ewa's story

Hi, I am coming from Europe so my English is not that well. But I would like to ask you guys for help in understanding if my Ex is a N. We have been in the relationship for almost 3 years. And believe me that this was not easy years for me. In the end of this relationship I found myself getting sick every month. So I have spent lots of time in the bad with the temperature. Generally in this relationship he made me believe that I am the guilty one and negative one and his is the happiest guy in the world as he has good job, nice hobby , friends and me. My XN is 15 years older than me, he was never married, twice engaged. During this relationship we had plenty of good times too. We have traveled a lot but so far I can remember there was always something which I made wrong what would make him angry. Basically I was asking to many questions. Especially when I felt sth was not good and I wanted to feel I know what is going on. After the first year of our relationship I found out he has been cheating on me with 3 girls. One 20 years younger than him, 10 years younger and one his age. I found out about it because I was simply spying on him after I got suspicious because he was getting so many sms from different women and so many strange call phones. I know I should not spy but I wanted be sure that I can trust him, while I had this suspicions. Finally he has chosen the youngest one and rejected the others. Explaining me that he found out that he loves me but we can’t be together and he had to find a next person for himself. I know if I didn’t find out of her he would keep her secret and never left me. After two months he came back saying that he wants to be with me again as he saw how much I have loved him. I took him back. Then I found out the young girl got pregnant and married to another man. But I could again start breathing easily and was happy that I got my love back – stupid me. During this “happy” time said he will marry me only if I have kid with him, because if I couldn’t then he would divorce me. Yes, yes I know what you think I should have left immediately after I heard it but I couldn’t. But I was not really sure that I want to marry him at this point so I just stayed. We have moved in together. However I had the feeling that we spent together less time then before. He was always at the gym, learning foreign language, playing xbox ect. Whenever I wanted him to speak with him he was saying that he is busy. I thought maybe I am pushing to much so have stepped back and start to do stuff on my own like watching movies or seeing my friends to let him have some time for himself like he wanted me to. Unfortunately he said that I do nothing but watching movies and not investing time to develop myself. I have to say here that I work very hard in big company and have good job too, and after work during weekdays am so tired that I don’t really feel like learning etc..I just want to relax. Of course flirts didn’t finish. During his birthday he left me sick at home and he went to the language class promising he will be back with the medicine from the drug store. He left at 3 pm and he came back at 9, without informing me that he will be late because he wanted to meet his female friend who is leaving the country. He didn’t find the fact that it was his birthday nothing special. He said is his birthday and he will do whatever he wants to do. Once he has confessed that he will be flirting with women even if he is dying in the hospital. Anyway time was going and in the end of this year I have found out he started to meet 2 of the girls he cheated on me before ( the married stopped being with her husband so he was meeting her) When I found out I told him I am breaking up with him and moving out. I had had enough. He said: Don’t do it I love you. But when I gave him proves about I know what was going on he started to blame me and telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me because I spy on him. Till I have moved out apart of silent treatment I was called psycho, bitch and I had to listen to the conversations with him and his new gf.
Recently after few months he wrote me that he was missing the good time we had together for a long time now. I knew about Narcissism by this time so I wrote him that this what he writes to me means that he is empty and sad person , that the only thing I ask him is not to contact me again and forget about me like I have forgotten him ( of course I did not forget him). He got angry and wrote me that every day he is thanking the God that he has sent me to hell. Again making it look like it was him to break up.
There was many different points which I could describe which were very strange to me during this relationship but it would take me a book to describe it. Many times I felt like I was the worse gf in the world. Many times I felt like he doesn’t care of my feelings.
Do you think he is a Narcissist I want to be sure is not only my subjective opinion?

Jun 7 - 10PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Take the Narc Quiz

I would bet he has alot of the traits.
Jun 7 - 10PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

How many more

Red flags do you need??! Sounds like all the rest of the men on here!!!!
Jun 6 - 5PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Is he or isn't he?

Whatever he is, you are one very unhappy woman! And this man is not treating you well. He will always be coming back . . . unless he's got another woman. If you want to be free, you have to be strong. He devalues you & demeans you. He treats you with contempt. He's 15 years older than you. You sound like a very capable young woman. You do not need this grief. It's difficult. I know. Please drop him. He's a JERK!
Jun 7 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
ewa
ewa's picture

to Agnes

Yes you are right that he will not let me alone. Yesterday i got another message from him. This time it was sms. I thought he is over with contacting me after he told me that i am empathy-less creature and that he is thanking God that he has sent me to hell. Unfortunately i was wrong. Each contact from him is giving me a pain. I am 28 now, i don't know is young or old. But i should have been more smart. Our relationship started when i was 25 and i have to say it changed me a lot. He had a girl who is maybe 23 now, but i am afraid she had left him. I don't wish any girl to be with him and found herself in this situation, but i realize that is one of the ways to get rid of him. All the girls from serious relationship he had before me are already married and with kids. It is only me who he has been with him long and who is single, but maybe it is not the most important? I have to say i was great N source of supply. I realize it now how low i went, bagging him to come back when he first cheated on me. He said then there is no way that we have to move on with our lives and when i felt i start to accept this situation he was asking to take him back. Of course i did take him back.It was me willing to "repair" or relationship to try to talk - each time i got the same message from him: "you should think of yourself first". It is really hard and nobody understands me apart of you guys here. My friends understand and are sorry for what he did to me, but N sounds for them like an absstraction. Anyway I will be optimistic and pray so he finds himself a woman and hopefully Narcissist woman :).
Jun 1 - 6AM
ewa
ewa's picture

Thank you Introspection & Barbra

I know exactly what you are talking about. I used to have this romantic fantasies too. When we first met i used to live in the hotel due to my relocation. I went to my country for a weekend and when i came back there were flowers waiting form me...it was so romantic. So when we broke up i thought he will realize what happened and do sth similar to get me back. Of course he didn't. I am so happy that i found this forum. It was me to break up the relationship and moved out, but he makes it all look like he was the one to finish our relationship. Now maybe a week ago he wrote me: I miss the good times we had together. So i have answered: This what you wrote showed how empty and sad person you are. Please do not contact me ever again. His answer was: I was only sad. I am thanking God every day that i have sent you to hell. But thanks to this that i found you guys and read your stories ( also yours Barbra) this what he wrote didn't really made bigger impression on me. I understood i can not change him and i hope i am slowly recovering from the big pain i used to feel every day. What worries me now that i will have problem to trust anybody again. I have already noticed that when i meet guys who seems to like me i am watching them very carefully.. I am promise you guys I am going to avoid him. Yesterday i finally blocked him from my messengers. I have also removed his best friend from the friends on Facebook, and my XN is not there for a long time now.
May 30 - 6PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome ewa

- PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. PLEASE do this BEFORE asking questions. - PLEASE read the stories of others. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do. Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. - PLEASE read through our WHOLE blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing. It will answer many questions before you ask them. PLEASE read the Rules prior to posting. Thanks - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going if you feel the need for whatever level of PTSD he's given you ASAP! remember: YOU did nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong.
May 30 - 11AM
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Hello EWA....

Based on your description of his actions, he appears to be an N. You did the right thing in leaving him and now you should go NC. To contine to contact him or allow him to contact you will only result in prolonging your pain. You can see that there has not been one time when he didn't cheat on you or treated you badly. Why would you want a life with this looser? Now that you've moved out...don't give him your new address, change your phone numbers, drop off the face of the earth and don't let him find you. You need to work on yourself as well. If you are not already doing so, take good care of your health. Journal your feelings. Make new friends. Pour your feelings on this forum and let us join you during the healing process. Read our stories...you'll find that many of us have gone through a lot of what you've described in your story. Stay strong sweetheart and keep us posted!
May 30 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
ewa
ewa's picture

Thank you

Thank you Introspection. I am dont want to be treated this way. I need to admit that i miss what we had together. This weekend my mum came to visit me and i have realize that whatever i showed her in the city whatever i talked about to her it reminded me about him. Unfortunately blocking him is not that easy as we work together. I am happy that i could find this forum and read your story, yes it definitely makes me stronger, and made me believe that i am not crazy psycho like my XN has named me. I don't know why is it so hard for me to block him on chats. I keep blocking him and unblocking. Is like i am looking for a contact with him. I found that i have never done it before. Is something sick going on with me as all my ex are my friends and i communicate with them in normal way, sometimes with some of them more often with some less. He is the first one which made feel this way. It is much better with me now , because on the beginning i would think of him all the time and couldn't work. Now it only happens when i stay alone and have nothing to do. And how can i make sure it will not happen again? I read some of you went for a second time in the relationship like this. I wish you all that you stay strong enough and will enjoy again your life and i am definitely happy that i can join this forum. Thanks!
May 30 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

This is going to be one of

This is going to be one of the most difficult experiences to overcome in your life; no doubt. It will require your full focus on loosing ALL HOPE that he is not an N or that he loves (or even cares) for you. I've been working on myself for a little over 3 years now and am doing sooo much better but it took A LOT of work. You have to continue to remind yourself that you did nothing wrong and it was all him. You have to keep in mind that he is a "robot" person and that he is not able to LOVE you or anyone. Understand that it hurts the worst when it is recent but it gets better with time. If you allow him to come into your life again, it be set you right back to the beginning and will prolong your recovery. I hope that you decide to move forward and if possible, find a new job!
May 31 - 2AM (Reply to #5)
ewa
ewa's picture

you are right

You are right i think the most difficult part for me is that i hope that i am wrong and the things could change. But so many of my friends told me he behaves very childish like for his age. I know he doesn't care. After we broke up we have decided to spent weekend skiing together and he told me during this time that I he found the "right one" and surely is not me. The person would who cares doesn't say this stuff to the person who loves him/her. Right? More then this he said to me that he is loved and I am one of the people to love him and he started to laugh. He has made a joke of my love simply. I will surely use your advice Introspection. It will be more difficult to change the job. But i do consider it in future. Today i had a "pleasure" to meet him in the work kitchen, i did not even look in his direction. I don't know if i should pretend i don't see him or shell i treat him like everybody else?
May 31 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Hello sweetheart....

You have to ignore, ignore, ignore...and you must fight your urge to bump into him!!! If you must keep this job then make me a promise please...YOU WILL AVOID HIM. I used to "romantize" and think that he missed...far from the truth; he could care less about me. Let me explain. During the first few weeks I was so physically ill and mentally disturbed that I had to be hospitalized. He called acting as if he were concerned but never did visit. Shortly after I was released from the hospital, during one of our on-and-off conversations, he told me that I should put myself out of my misery and kill myself; "I can drive to your home and help you if you like" and I quote. To date, I thank God that he told me this; truly a wake-up call. I later accessed his email account and turns out that he was dating this young, cute female...yes, I was in the hospital and he was with the OW at a concert! They are cruel and get-off on hurting us. You need to understand that it will get worst and not better as I am sure you are hoping. The mind games will drive you crazy...hot and cold; if you let him, now is the time he will make his move to complete dominance over you and this is why you MUST stay away. This is why it is recommended that you go NC. Start journaling and keep us posted (((hugs))).
May 31 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ewa

READ: http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/05/22/reality-suffering-accepting-what-he Like Introspection, I had to be hospitalized and had a lot of issues from the emotional trauma & PTSD that required medical intervention. Did Psycho-Boy visit? No. Did he care? No. When a mutual friend told him to walk the 4 blocks from his office to where I was in the hospital he said "ARE YOU KIDDING ME??" No flowers, no call, nothing.they do not care -- they will not change -- THEY ARE NOT HUMAN!! During that time Psycho-Boy saw one of his high price hookers and took his wife on a short vacation. While I was in the hospital BECAUSE OF HIM. And then when I was home recovering, he had the POLICE contact ME for stalking. They were quite shocked when I was able to prove I'D BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL and that I'd been PERMANENTLY DISABLED for years. You bump into him? I can guarantee he will traumatize you more. NO CONTACT!!! ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 31 - 2AM (Reply to #2)
ewa
ewa's picture

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