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#1 Dec 29 - 12PM
truetotruth
truetotruth's picture

Fading

I did not go to work today. I have been getting worse as the days go by.

After he contacted my son I was furious, after he sent me a message two days ago ( my own words), he couldnt even come up with anything of his own ( so empty)....the only word I have left is cruel.

Because I have vowed to just ignore and keep N/C I feel helpless.
I feel stuck in my pain once again.

I ask myself if I will ever make it out of this camp..will I ever be free of his sickness. I am torn between calling the police and just waiting out the storm. I dont want him to know I am getting this stuff.

I reached out to my supposed bf and said, please I really need you now as I was really struggling. I got a reply 4 hours later that she would call today...I am so hurt. I keep all of this to myself I carry it and I really needed support last night. No one.
I have no family and with my PTSD i realized that my friends cannot cope. So I keep it to myself.

I am worried for what little sanity I have left and I am worried that his is not done breaking me down. I feel trapped. I feel helpless.

Somehow I always knew he hated me...I feel it like venom with every breath I take.

So completely lost.

Dec 29 - 5PM
M
M's picture

truth...

Extra help is available. Check your health insurance for counseling programs. Often they will cover the cost 80-90%. Meanwhile, take some deep breaths. And then do something you enjoy...especially a physical activity. For me, I never lost my yoga practice--and now I've added this boot-camp-like pilates. It kicks my butt--but I have a strong butt now! (and sculpted shoulders!) I remember one lady on the forum returned to her former passion of bellydancing! Or just put your favorite cd in & boogie in your living room.
Dec 29 - 5PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Truth, it sounds like you

Truth, it sounds like you are needing some extra help. I'm not there with you every day, but when you do post, the posts are very similar. Where you express a deep despair, that you are sinking down down down. What he's done goes round and round in your head and won't let you go. This is no way to live. You need a "leg up" on this. IOW, you sound just like I did before I broke down and went to the shrink for some antidepressants and a few weeks of therapy. I did this a year after I got rid of the Narc, I wish I hadn't waited that long. What's really happening IS bad. You aren't making this stuff up or overdramatizing it. We don't have to do all this alone. Please do make some phone calls and see where you can get in to be seen. Do this for yourself. It's like you have no gas in your car but you need to get somewhere. So go put some gas in your car. I was able to get antidepressants for FOUR dollars at Walmart. Most big drug stores have this alternative. Most if not all shrinks (psychiatrists and nurse practitioners can write prescriptions) have a couple of emergency slots open during the day. I ended up going to a community clinic and forking over ten bucks (no money, no job, totally dependent on my sister). If there is a will there's a way. My point in this is that some extra help w/antidepressants will help you COPE with the shit that is happening, will help you get more clear and have more emotional/mental energy. Will soothe your traumatized brain so that you can see ALL of your options here. When you are so far down the rabbit hole, all you can see is darkness. Time to go grab a hand and get pulled out, honey. Will you please do this?
Dec 29 - 1PM
truetotruth
truetotruth's picture

sorry see below

ddbl post I dunno what is going on today
Dec 29 - 1PM
truetotruth
truetotruth's picture

Thanks ladies

I know this will sound nuts but I keep thinking that he will not be satisfied until I am completly nuts....I know his pattern, he pushes and pushes until I finally cannot take anymore and I react..and then he sits backs and smiles and says, yep its not me its you your nuts....I know I must NOT react..I know I must remain silent.... My mind cannot comprehend his cruelty......He didnt want me!! he had me and all my love..it was nothing...so why..why will he not let go...I am dirt to him....why isn't he moving on? its been 4 months and I will not acknowledge.....I dont know how much more I can take...really...I dont.
Dec 29 - 7PM (Reply to #11)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

I won't be satisfied till HE'S completely nuts...

Your post really resonates with my experience with the ex-Psych professor, with how he hoovered me AFTER his fiancee had moved in with him, AFTER I had met her. The ex-P wanted to see me go nuts. Insane with grief. All I can do was put on a brave face, a fake smile, focus on my studies. Then I'd go to my dorm and cry myself to sleep. "My mind cannot comprehend his cruelty"- Yes, your ex-N is a TOTAL LOSER. I couldn't comprehend the ex-P's cruelty... because he was a TEACHER. Teachers aren't supposed to emotionally abuse their students. As one of my friends said, my experience was like being molested by a beloved uncle. "He had me and all my love- it was nothing- why will he not let go- why isn't he moving on?"-When I congratulated the ex-P on his upcoming marriage (he didn't marry his girlfriend until she was pregnant), all I got was explosive, inexplicable rage. I gave him my devotion, my friendship, my respect, my listening--and it was NOTHING to him. Yet he wouldn't let me go. Even tho he had a girlfriend who was giving him MORE than I did (I wasn't ever sexual with him, or romantic) I think that's why Ns/Ps fear for their former victims so much. They're afraid that their victims will use the same emotional/mental tactics that were used on them. It terrifies that those they tried to drive crazy will, in the end, rob them of their wits and their dignity. And feel happy about doing so. When I read that a former classmate of mine died last year (she was closer to the ex-P than me, she was also a fellow professor). It struck me as senseless. I felt like one of those righteously avenging cowboys who goes out to set things right (like the girl in "True Grit" who goes out to avenge her father's murder) The ex-P didn't murder her. She died in her sleep. But I wanted to be the one who'd send him to the straitjacket. The one who'd send him to lockdown and never look back.
Dec 29 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

I won't be satisfied till HE'S completely nuts...

Your post really resonates with my experience with the ex-Psych professor, with how he hoovered me AFTER his fiancee had moved in with him, AFTER I had met her. The ex-P wanted to see me go nuts. Insane with grief. All I can do was put on a brave face, a fake smile, focus on my studies. Then I'd go to my dorm and cry myself to sleep. "My mind cannot comprehend his cruelty"- Yes, your ex-N is a TOTAL LOSER. I couldn't comprehend the ex-P's cruelty... because he was a TEACHER. Teachers aren't supposed to emotionally abuse their students. As one of my friends said, my experience was like being molested by a beloved uncle. "He had me and all my love- it was nothing- why will he not let go- why isn't he moving on?"-When I congratulated the ex-P on his upcoming marriage (he didn't marry his girlfriend until she was pregnant), all I got was explosive, inexplicable rage. I gave him my devotion, my friendship, my respect, my listening--and it was NOTHING to him. Yet he wouldn't let me go. Even tho he had a girlfriend who was giving him MORE than I did (I wasn't ever sexual with him, or romantic) I think that's why Ns/Ps fear for their former victims so much. They're afraid that their victims will use the same emotional/mental tactics that were used on them. It terrifies that those they tried to drive crazy will, in the end, rob them of their wits and their dignity. And feel happy about doing so. When I read that a former classmate of mine died last year (she was closer to the ex-P than me, she was also a fellow professor). It struck me as senseless. I felt like one of those righteously avenging cowboys who goes out to set things right (like the girl in "True Grit" who goes out to avenge her father's murder) The ex-P didn't murder her. She died in her sleep. But I wanted to be the one who'd send him to the straitjacket. The one who'd send him to lockdown and never look back.
Dec 29 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Tonight

Hi Truth I went out with my friend tonight. she has a really screwed up situation. Yours / ours is mild compared to that. She is beautiful and an inspiration. If she has made it we can too. You are never alone. It will be ok you are just having a moment. The girls here love you tons. We all care about your state of mind. This guy is just another creep, Yes you loved him. He loses not you. Be strong, Honestly I needed you today too. Idealk
Dec 29 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

truetotruth

I was in the pit of the rabbit hole read my posts...get help if that is what you feel you need to do...get meds...whatever it takes. True to truth...I'm at about week 16. You expresed the following: I know this will sound nuts but I keep thinking that he will not be satisfied until I am completly nuts NO IT'S NOT NUTS, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS TRYING TO DO - BUT HE CAN ONLY DO IT IF YOU LET HIM - HE CAN BE FIVE HUNDRED MILES AWAY, BUT IT WILL THEN COME DOWN TO YOUR THINKING THAT CONTROLS THE DIRECTION THIS WILL TAKE. HE IS NOT A GOD...HE IS A MORTAL...A VERY EVIL MORTAL...ESSENTIALLY WAY BENEATH YOU BUT YOU'VE BEEN BRAINWASHED. YOU CAN UNBRAINWASH YOURSELF BUT IT TAKES TIME, PATIENCE, SUPPORT, AND LOTS OF VENTING AND RIDING THAT FRIGGIN WAVE OF DESPAIR. WE DON'T DIE - WE ONLY FEEL LIKE DYING. ....I know his pattern YOU SAID YOU KNOW HIS PATTERN...YOU KNOW IT. THAT MEANS YOU HAVE THE WEAPON TO CIRCUMVENT ANY ATTACKS. KEY TO OVERCOMING THE ENEMY IS KNOWING HIS TACTICS. YOU KNOW THEM. he pushes and pushes until I finally cannot take anymore and I react..and then he sits backs and smiles and says, yep its not me its you your nuts....I know I must NOT react..I know I must remain silent.... YOUR POWER LIES IN NC AND NOT RESPONDING. THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU POWERLESS - IT ACTUALLY MAKES YOU QUITE STRONG. AND IT WILL BLOW HIS MIND BECAUSE HE'S SURE HE KNOWS YOU... My mind cannot comprehend his cruelty...... YOUR MIND, MY MIND, THE SHRINK'S MIND...NO ONE CAN COMPRHEND THESE DISORDERED INDIVIDUALS...YOU ARE NOT CRAZY He didnt want me!! HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE...PEOPLE ARE OBJECTS - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.... NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.... YOU ARE POWERLESS AND YOUR STRENGTH AND VICTORY COMES IN RECOGNIZING AND OWNING THIS. he had me and all my love..it was nothing...so why..why will he not let go... HE'S NOT LETTING GO BECAUSE YOU WON'T - SO WHY SHOULD HE? EVEN IF HE NEVER SEES YOU AGAIN IN LIFE - UNTIL YOU LET GO, HE WILL STILL BE THERE...WHY NOT STARVE HIM. START WITH YOUR MIND. I am dirt to him NO - EVERYONE IS DIRT TO HIM - HE'S ALSO DIRT TO HIMSELF, BUT HE WILL NEVER ADMIT IT...ACTUALLY HE'S GREATER DIRT TO HIMSELF THAN YOU ARE TO HIM AND HE HATES THAT ABOUT HIMSELF SO MUCH HE HAS TO PUSH YOU DOWN TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? WHAT DO WE TELL THEM WHEN THEIR BULLIED? DON'T WE TELL THEM - "THE BULLY DOES THAT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF?" THIS IS NO DIFFERENT. ....why isn't he moving on? BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT DRAWIN THE LINE. BETTER QUESTION: WHY ARE YOU REFUSING TO? YOU KEEP SAYING IT'S HIM WHEN YOU HAVE THE CONTROL OF YOUR BODY, MIND AND SOUL...YOU HAVE THE CHOICE. its been 4 months and I will not acknowledge.....I dont know how much more I can take...really...I dont. OUR MINDS WILL TAKE US ANYWHERE WE WANT TO GO. ARE YOU GONNA STAND OR ARE YOU GONNA FALL? FIGHT...FIGHT...YOU HAVE TO FIGHT...LICK YOUR WOUNDS, CRY, SCREAM, YELL, RELEASE THE PAIN, BUT FIGHT...HE IS THE INFERIOR ONE HERE AND YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT. PEOPLE WILL BE HAPPY TO BEAT YOU UP...THEY'LL DO IT FOR FREE - WHY DO IT TO YOURSELF? FIGHT...
Dec 29 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Truth

Michele is right, We all need to fight. Michele you are an amazing woman.
Dec 29 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Sadists

get a rise out of inflicting pain... so do narcs... it's their high... you have the power to starve him... don't let him see you sweat no matter what. that's why we're here. sweat here.
Dec 29 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
spinning
spinning's picture

T to T, I know you can take

a lot. I remember your mountain post. We are both having a hard day. Let's try to shift the focus to the mountain top even for a little while. You have helped me and I wish I had a way to help you now. I believe in your strength and know you can get past this. I'm thinking of you and sending the good vibes... sincerely (trying to stop) spinning

spinning

Dec 29 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
truetotruth
truetotruth's picture

Spinning 2

Thanks hon, I was gonna mention it to you but..to be honest..I cant get to my mountain today....so I cant very well ask someone else to make the journey.... I dont feel strong today..I feel defeated and broken....I feel as though I have lost everything and I am waiting in limbo for my life to begin again. Im not saying it wont begin again but... I too want to get moving in the Right direction....Im feeling so damn depressed. I recoginze the signs and symptoms of my PTSD...I knwo now when they are present...I just dont know how to handle them sometimes. My Narc parting gift was a T-shirt that says I spent 4 years in Hell with my Narc- and all i got was PTSD..... man o man.... Thank you for your faith in me....Thank you for being here.
Dec 29 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Yep, I think it's a full

Yep, I think it's a full moon. We all seem to be wacked out today. Sorry truth. You are not alone, we are here. The only option all of us have is to work through this together. Oxox
Dec 29 - 12PM
justicejones
justicejones's picture

I am sorry, True. You must

I am sorry, True. You must feel like you are so alone. But you aren't. We are all here for you. We love you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.