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#1 May 11 - 5PM
Healingnow
Healingnow's picture

family

Hi,

I know you've heard this before but i'm stuck....I know exN is lying to his family about me. He has to cos it's me or him that is the baddie and I don't think he wants to protect me. He cleverly set things up so that I reiterated them like polly parrot to his family at the appropriate time with no clue that he was brainwashing. He has done the poor me. Now his mother is convinced it's me that was so awful thats why he left and his sister hasn't replied to my message. I just really want to tell he the truth of what I know. I try to forget and move on from this but it keeps cropping up. The words of what I could say to his sister to warn her and to free me up............you know my dignity,....this is a character assasination of me, i am not and could never be the person he needs to portray me as in order to justify his leaving me. How do I live with the fact that his family think these things of me and it will always look like I am unreasonable by stopping him from seeing his daughter when he set it up that way. I really want to be unaffected by this. Will it ever get to where I don't care what they think. I feel badly misjudged. Of course, it could be that they don't think any of what i'm thinking and i'm imagining it all.He is an abuser and his family would never see it, nor would anyone actually.

May 11 - 11PM
broken23
broken23's picture

im sorry golden rule of

im sorry golden rule of family = it is HIS family. i know its hard but they will believe him no matter what you say. the harder you seem to convince them the more they will think youre crazy. I have gone through this! I agree sometimes its not worth the fight. It boils my blood to hear of this because it is so unfair to be blamed and know everyone is talking badly about you. but i have learned to accept there just will be about 5 people in the world aka his family that will think im a crazy phycho...oh well. let them!
May 11 - 5PM
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

I'm sorry healingnow. It's

I'm sorry healingnow. It's unfair that they are able to convince others through their deception, that you are the one at fault and you feel powerless in being able to defend yourself. It seems like a trigger, in and of itself, doesn't it? Having people believe lies and your not able to have a voice. Just one more way to control us and our lives. YOU know the truth and in the end, actions speak louder than words, if they care to pay attention to this. I have just gotten to the point where I can't care about what the N's have said to others. It just damages me more.
May 11 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
Healingnow
Healingnow's picture

thanks I need reinforcement

Thankyou neveragain5, I am glad to hear that you have got to a place where you don't care what the narc has said. I don't think i'm too far away from that but I have to go through this final blip before I get free. I think you've said it brilliantly that we are powerless to defend ourselves. That's what it is about. The last time I spoke to them I was programmed by him to say what he wanted that he could later use to back up what his excuse for his behaviour was going to be.....I hope you understand what i'm saying with this one cos I know for any run of the mill human being they wouldn't understand that point. Then in other phone conversations after he left I was asked leading questions by his sister that made me say the answer she (or he) was expecting to hear. I was so stressed at the time, crying every minute of the day that I would have said anything and not been aware. I haven't had a chance to put anything right. Now just when I can speak coherently they are no longer communicating with me cos his point has been proved. Now he has forever to work on being pitiful with them. I feel so angry and set up. I could deal with it if it was just between us but cos it has involved his family and I don't know them very well it is slanderous. I am a good person and I hate to be viewed otherwise. My motives were good and I loved him uncoditionally only doing the best for him as I would anyone I cared about. To have that exploited and twisted and others believing him is just torturing me. What can I do to get past this. I suppose I must remain no contact with his family too. I know I could say he has lied and he will just find stuff that he has already setup to prove that actually I am the liar. I just can't get round it cos he's set up stuff from years ago that put the seeds in their mind. I can't believe he could have done this on purpose.
May 11 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Just shut up

yeah, that is the hardest thing. Just turning off the self-righteous gene and saying nothing. It was scary the way it got to the point that everything I said was used against me in some weird way.
May 11 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

They all do it on purpose,

They all do it on purpose, they know no other way and the sh*tty thing about it, is it WORKS!! The injustice of having your character slandered when you did nothing wrong, is hard to take, especially if you live your life with good intentions. No contact with his family is the way to go and for you to move forward. Otherwise, you will sit there and watch every word that comes out of your mouth and worry about saying the wrong thing. Try to spend this energy making your life better and cultivating healthy relationships. With the support of healthy people that see your good character, you won't worry about what they think anymore. I am a fighter too healingnow, but sometimes the fight isn't worth the effort. :)