Family of abusers

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#1 May 27 - 6PM

malloryforest

Family of abusers

One thing I find very disturbing is how his family is behaving towards me and the children. I feel as though they condone the abuse and his behavior because they don't stand up to him.

Mom in law supported her son having an affair. She supported the way he treated me by never challenging him, never calling to see how the kids and I are doing... nothing! SHe has three grandchildren that have moved to the other side of the country, who she rarely gets to see anymore, and she just submits to whatever her dear son says. Never once has she said, I am so sorry for what my son has done. Nothing. She never calls to see how the kids are doing. If I call her, she cries and tells me she wishes I would call her more, but she never picks up the phone.

Sister in law has been more supportive, yet none of them stand up to him. If it was my child or brother pulling all of this crap on my daughter in law or sister inlaw or grandchildren, I would definitely be calling my son on his behavior, and I would be reaching out to the children!

STBXNH is bringing GF home next weekend, and they are all going to meet her. We are not even divorced, and they are not only meeting the GF, she is spending the weekend at my mother in law's house!

Not only do I feel this is a betrayal to me, I feel it is a betrayal to my children! I sometimes feel that people who don't stand up to the abuse they witness, are no better than the abuser. Am I just filled with too much anger to not give them some slack? I feel betrayed by all of them, not just him. THe fact that they are willing to meet her is such a slap in the face!

I know I have to put this all aside and move on, but it just seems like one blow after another. I am sticking with the no contact, except for kid issues. It is easier when I have no dialogue and don't know all the BS that is going on, but some days I wake up and I am blown over by the betrayal!

#2 May 29 - 11PM

Elena

Family of Abusers

Malloryforest, I can relate with you here. Ever since the divorce process started, no one, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE from his family have called me, or made any attempts to contact me, can you believe it! Not even one phone call. They are enablers of his dysfunctional behavior. The mother supports him blindly, she also feeds the CHILD in him. I always thought to myself - "I am trying to raise a man in him, and his mother just continues to feed the child", it used to upset me so much. I also think his youngest sister has similar issues as him. She divorced her husband, and she divorced him after meeting a man that she is now dating. She is just as arrogant and self-consumed as him as well. The whole family fosters deceit, among themselves they hide things from each other, and one covers something they don't want the other one to know about, etc. And they never treated me as "family", they always treated me as an outsider. The entire family has serious issues.

#3 May 28 - 8AM

Carolyn

I think you have made a

I think you have made a really interesting point about the abuser's support system. It occurs when the abuser is male and the woman is left to go to therapy, support groups, etc to find support while the male abuser is supported by family and friends. this happened to me also and I think it made the experience even worse for me. there seems to be no justice in this type of situation for the victim. It is like victimizing the victim. I guess when there are children involved it is even worse as they lose a male parent, grandparents, uncles, and aunts, etc. I wonder if this isn't a way that society says to the female it is your job to take whatever is given you, without complaint, for the sake of yourself and your children or you will all be shunned. I wonder what happens if the abuser is female? You are really brave to go it alone like this. Recognize how brave you are now, how you and your children are heading in a better direction, and try to visualize how you would like your future to be for all of you. I was thinking of you in a small boat with your children, oaring away from a big ocean liner, and going into the unknown. You have a lot of courage and you are a good role model for other women in this situation. The people on the ocean liner were so nuts that you had to 'abandon ship' so that you could save yourself and your children. You miss having an extended family and bonding with people, you feel other women in the family should be supporting you, and you feel alone. It won't be for long I bet there is a paradise island close by. Keep on oaring you will get there and then they will suffer.Remember the old expression- The best revenge is to live well. You never know what this man has told other people about you they are notorious liars when someone leaves them. the new GF will be on the receiving end of this soon enough.

#4 May 28 - 9AM (Reply to #10)

malloryforest

Thank you

Your response made me cry! I have never been told I am a good role model and brave. I feel like I am barely holding it together. The betrayal is overwhelming. It is so hard because the people around me condone the abuse. Even the ones who have told me that he treats me with horrible disrespect in some sort of sick way condone the behavior by still interacting with him, and now her. I have to let go os all of these people, and that really is hard. It is hard not because I really like these people, but because it is hard to digest the magnitude of the moral bankrupcy of this entire family. There does seem to be no justice when it comes to the victim, and this makes the experience even more painful! It is like revictimizing the victim. It is like telling a woman who has been raped that it must be her fault for wearing a skirt. My mom in law told me that she hopes I learn from this experience and if I get married again I am a better wife to my next husband, and always put the man first. It is so painful, and so sick.

#5 May 28 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

RenewD

Mallory

I've been right there feeling what you are feeling. As if it's not bad enough what we've gone through, the people who betray us and revictimize us is sickening. I had one brother who I was very close to. My other two siblings I really didn't have that much to do with. But my one...he was like, my sidekick. We were so close, did EVERYTHING together. He practically lived and my house. We were both the "black sheep", scapegoats of the family, both equally misunderstood because we wouldn't suck up to our parents in spite of the hurtful things they said and did to all of us. Because of the time that he and I spent together, he also got pretty close to my ExNH. (little brother is 7 years younger than me, so we practically raised him) The ex convinced him to take the test for the fire department which was where he worked. My brother passed the test and was hired. They were put on the same shift, at the same station. My brother married a woman who is bipolar, and I don't doubt she is a narc herself. Once they got married, she started pulling the plug on the time he and I spent together, wanting him all to herself. Because she's such and attention whore, she started going to the firestation, taking the guys dinners, hanging out with them. My mom believed she secretly had a crush on my Ex.... When my ex and I split up, he asked me not to say anything to my brother since it was touchy because they worked together. He wanted to wait until we had things figured out..he said. Out of respect for his wishes (why I thought he deserved it, I'll never understand) I never said anything to my brother. A few weeks go by and I hear through my kids that their dad is over at my brother's all the time. I start seeing everyone including my SIL becoming "friends" on Myspace and Facebook. My ex had told my brother HIS side of the story, told my brother all these horrible lies about me, and my brother totally took his side....and wouldn't speak to me. My brother and his wife get pregnant. The baby's born and he called me to come to the hospital. I was so excited, the niece that I actually waited for my whole life from my favorite brother. They took pictures, I thought maybe we were getting back on track. The next week, SIL emails pics to the family of everyone at the hospital. Pics of my ExNH and HIS GIRLFRIEND. Not the pics of me there. Another few weeks go by, I get a call from my mom. My brother asked my ex to be his daughter's Godfather. I told my family if they didn't stand up against this I would disown them. They all went to the christening, me and my children went on vacation. This weekend is her first birthday. Again, they invited both myself and my ex to her birthday party. I'm going on vacation....but you know what, so it my ex! This has been the hardest most gut wrenching betrayal. From a sibling who I gave up so much to be there for and help as he was growing up. He SAW the things my ex used to do to me AND my kids. Yet he has still chosen to stand by him, and tell people that I'm crazy, a liar and took advantage of and victimized MY EX! I don't need people like that in my life, let alone call them my family. It's hard to have to go through. But I think it's important that we do. We gain something, though painful, that most people are never lucky enough to gain...the ability to see who you're REAL friends and family are, and the chance to get the people who are no good for you out of your life. Anyone who revictimizes you...CUT THEM OFF! They don't deserve you, and they don't deserve your kids. And your mother in law, especially! ~Denise~ (sorry this turned out so long...didn't mean for it to, but there was just no way to make the story short! I swear I could write a book!!)

#6 May 28 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

Lisa E. Scott

Mallory & Denise

Wow, unreal. It's amazing how people can turn like that, isn't it? Denise - I so agree with you when you say that although a painful process, we do get the opportunity to see who our real friends and family are as a result. It's better we find this out early in life, rather than later. Hugs, Lisa

#7 May 27 - 10PM

grossot

omg

Holy Crap! We are living in the twilight zone. Im going throught the whole in law thing except for the meeting the gf thing - you had one hell of a N! but my SIL is standing by me and STBXNH's brother too! My MIL/FIL won't talk to me because I accused my STBXNH of being inappropriate -physically - with our daughter. There is even a dr. who is a specialist in sex abuse crimes supporting me in saying there is scar tissue where it shouldn't be (but can't prove it's him). Another dr. specialist says it's not it's just a prominence). They are all mad cause he got caught. It's very dangerous behavior and I understand why you have to contact them because of the kids but do keep a watchful eye on your inlaws. write everything down. You cannot be too careful. Your N will get away with more and more and more... ((((hug)))) nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#8 May 27 - 8PM

quietude (not verified)

family

Hate to sound cliche, but blood is thicker than water. And abusive parents condone abuse, OR are so far into denial, they can't see their child for who they are. Whatever the reason, you do not have to subject yourself to this nonsense further. You have to turn your back on these abusers in your life and let it be known you will not stand for it a minute longer. His family sounds very screwed up, you don't need to be a part of it, no matter what the reason...that is their issue. Think of how much time you've spend on HIM, worrying, wringing your hands, wondering....do you want to put that much energy into trying to figure out his family to attempt to make peace? I can only speak for myself, but my exN WORE me out completely, and I'm still feeling the effects. I know how much it hurts when family doesn't come through. I'm estranged from my own parents for reasons I won't get into now, but I had to do it for my own sanity. When you say what YOU would do if you were them....well, you are a NORMAL person talking, and YES, a normal person would not stand for this behavior! You can't force them to be accountable, or act a certain way. All you can do is say "enough is enough", and start surrounding yourself with people who really care and are there to support you and be GOOD role models for your children.

#9 May 27 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

malloryforest

I hear you

Thank you. I hear and understand what you are saying. My question then, is if I am turning my back on these people, do I have to bring my children across country to see their grandma and aunt. I would like to cut ALL of them out of our lives! The question I run up against is what about the kids? What is in the best interest of the kids? If they can be so abusive towards me, not pick up a phone to connect with the kids, do I have to go out of my way to bring the kids to them? Do I have to bring three small boys all under the age of five across country to these sick people? And if I don't, am I harming my children? Mom in law had the chance to spend next weekend with her grandkids for her birthday, but chose to spend it with son and new GF. If that is the case, why do I have to go out of my way to create or maintain their relationship with the kids? Really torn about what is best for kids.

#10 May 27 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

quietude (not verified)

mallory

This is a tough one to try to give you advice on. My ex-narcissist has been more of a recent experience. I don't have children with him, but I can tell you as a mom, my instincts to protect my kids have always been FIRST. (I fled a physically abusive ex-husband 25 years ago with my tiny son in my arms, so I've been in a similar situation). You have to trust your instincts, and do what you feel is best for the kids. Our kids depend on us to fight for them. And NO, you sure don't have to drag your kids cross-country...if you do decide they can have a drama-free visit with their grandparents, I would make it on YOUR terms. If they want to see them badly enough, they'll go out of your way. But legally, they have no rights to them. Ignore their attempts to bully or intimidate you, let them know it no longer works. It's not up to you to try to work with them, you've suffered enough abuse from that family in general. What's best for your kids is to be raised in a loving household free from drama, confusion, and pain, one that nurtures their self-esteem... a place they know where they can come home and and be in a safe and happy environment.

#11 May 27 - 9PM (Reply to #3)

Fawn

Monster in law

Mallory, I have so been there. I'm pretty sure that my in-laws have met the babysitter. I know my btother--in-law has. It bugs me, actually it makes me mad that these people can act like this. Bit I also know that none of. Them have ANY boundaries whatsoever. Everything Is okay if you are in, it is a free-for-all with no rules, no limits, no manners. Crazy circus all the time.that drove mr INSANE! So, I'm glad that I don't have to go to that freak show anymore. Remember that narcissists lie all the time just to make themselves look better. Who knows what that jerk has told his family! You aren't there to defend yourself. I would just try to go your own way on this one. She is going to pick her son and whatever tramp he brings home. btw, I will be surprised if he actually follows through on that plan.) I have recently emailed my mother-in_law about school-related activities for my youngest. It had been well over a year since I had any contact with them. They are sticking together. Whatever that means. They can all have each other. Yuck! No, you are not responsible for making sure that your kids see their grandma. He is!

#12 May 27 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

Lisa E. Scott

Mallory

I so agree with Dcrutche! First, you do not know what he is telling them about you and they are going to side with him no matter what. Let them all have each other. You don't need the drama and you are certainly not responsibile for making sure your kids see their grandma. Absolutely not! That is his responsibility. If he wants to make that happen, he can get it done. NOT your job at all. No way, no how.

#13 May 27 - 10PM (Reply to #5)

malloryforest

Good to hear

Thank you women. You are right, I don't have to be part of their crazy, sick drama anymore. I couldn't stand being with them even when I thought things were good. He was so cruel to his mother, and she was totally nasty to him, and whenever they would get along, it was because they were ganging up on me! how healthy. Yeah, I get to be done with them. I am not going to initiate that relationship with kids. If he wants to bring kids to his mom, let him do the work.

#14 May 28 - 1AM (Reply to #6)

Suzie (not verified)

twillight zone here too.

I have the same crazy in laws you do. My mother in-law called me up and told me off the last time I left my husband. She said that It was because of my oldest son. "It will be very hard for you to find "anyone" who would want to deal with him". My husband selected him as the scape-goat in our disfunctional family situation. I told her if I had a son as sorry and evil as hers, I wouldn't be saying anything about someone elses kid. The blame game....hmm sounds familiar. Guess the bad apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You may not know this but I am to blame for everthing. Just ask my N and his mother I am the cause for all his unhappiness and anything else that has went wrong or ever will go wrong. I guess that makes me pretty powerful.lol

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