The Fear of Evil

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#1 Sep 19 - 6PM
Sunafterrain
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The Fear of Evil

I have a question for all of you. The last year I was trying to extricate from my relationship from my disordered one, he was more demanding. It dawned on me that his requests to spend more time with me, take me on vacations, spend the night at his house, were twofold: To use me in between the targets he was honing in on to avoid being alone, and, to cause me severe emotional harm by faking love and then dumping me. I knew this. I said no to all those invitations. When the relationship was over, I felt badly about this. Had I gone maybe that would have changed things? I don't think so now. I think my body knew that something horrible was about to happen....

And this is where I'm going with this....the concept of evil, the feeling of absolute evil that is felt around them. I realized this becomes more apparent, this EVIL, as the mask slips. PRIOR to this, it is felt as ANXIETY around this person.

The last few nights I spent with him after we'd had sex and while spooning me he would be BERATING me, and then fall instantly to sleep, I felt intensive fear. Intense fear to the point of wanting to run. It filled the room. It was dark, it was cold and it was frightening.

How many of you have felt that? First anxiety then EVIL as the mask slipped?

Sep 20 - 12PM
Pride and Shame
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Evil

I think there is Evil present. However, I think they get off on our feeling that something is evil with them. It romanticizes it somewhat. That bothers me. It's like Thomas Sheridan saying he calls it psychopathy because narcissism has that edge of Victorian romanticism, too. And there is nothing romantic about it. As far as Evil. It's Evil to us personally, right? Breaking people down one by one with these personal experiences is Evil. And there are so many of them. And it is not widely acknowledged by the greater population. Is everyone a possible victim? Are we targeted by something greater than just the bodies who do this to us? That is scary. Or, I am just paranoid.
Sep 20 - 7AM
HorseTears
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It has been the same for me.

It has been the same for me. What I felt was pure anxiety I mistakenly took for love, probably cause of the confused state of my mind. But I realised it one day when I was walking on the crowded street, my mind free of thinking about him for a change, suddenly I smell his perfume on someone and instantly I break for cold sweat, heart races and this horrible feeling of anxiety, it all came without me acknowledging what was actually happening, it came from my subconsciousness. This anxiety is caused by his unpredictableness, you never know what he is going to do next - is he going to be all lovey with you, is he going to critisise you and put you down again, is he going to be pissed off at you for some reason, is he just ignoring you or is he going to prefer that other girl as his mate for today instead of you.. Never knew in what kind of mood he was in.. Causing so much hurt and confusion,, even when we were having good time I was still alert that the next second he might say something really really hurtful. And this way it even hurts more when you're all loved up and feeling 'close' he is gonna say something that's like a stab through the heart and you see him squirming and enjoying it, observe your reaction and if you object in some way he sais 'oh come on it was just a joke' I'm struggling with hate towards him atm, after all he has done to me without his girlfriend knowing about it, makes me so angry that how he can get away with it?! He does not deserve any of us!! But I try to overcome the anger and just go NC and just keep away and concentrate on my healing. Cause he will do this again with someone else, and one day he will get caught and by then I will be far away from that mess and won't be involved in any of it. Best revenge is to keep away, concentrate on our healing and be happy!!
Sep 20 - 10AM (Reply to #41)
CaminoReal
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Horse Tears-- Vengeance

I read your post and can SO relate to your ANGER about the Narc/Psycho getting away with it. They are experts, perfectly practiced, arrogant yet have a self-awareness of their emptiness and their fatal handicap. How do they know the human psyche so well that they KNOW exactly what to do and when to do it. Mine is 50 so he has had years of experience. Yes, I too want REVENGE! How dare him take me from my normal, peaceful life and turn me into an addict, persuade (manipulate) me into doing all sorts of things I would NEVER have done before. I KNOW HE WANTS TO DESTROY ME and publically HUMILIATE me. I know he HAS GATHERED EVIDENCE to use, has threatened to ruin my life and send emails to my children. Here's the thing: Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19
Sep 20 - 1PM (Reply to #42)
HorseTears
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Yes, persuade and manipulate,

Yes, persuade and manipulate, and how persistently, like there's nothing else in his life that matters so much! I truly believe when in persuading phase they put everything, all their energy into that chasing. Energy that will break even the most strongest and assertive ones of us eventually! I truly believe it's what he does in order to get what he wants. And that fact alone is not fair in the least towards us! Because as soon as we are chosen - we are doomed! My N is only 30, so I guess he hasn't been his most vilest to me. I guess your 50 year N is much worse. But mine when he gets to that age will be worse, much worse, as they get worse by age, more twisted and have more experience with manipulation. I font know your situation exactly, sounds really bad from your post, I'm sorry! But I really think that best is just to stay away and not mess with them any further. I can't see anything good coming out of it honestly. As angry and hurt and as much hate I feel, I think it's just smarter to stay away, and let nature take it's course - they can't get away with it forever, they are their own revenge. I'm convinced it's better this way even after how he has treated me - threatened to rape and then kill my daughter in front of my eyes, do the same to my mum and then see how I just die in my own horror and sadness of been seeing all that; or just detailed descriptions how he would kill my daughter how I'd find her head in one black binbag and her body in another bag... He has also cornered me in the lift grabbing my neck with one hand and holding other fist on my stomach and looked into my eyes and said your neck is so thin I could just snap it like that!... Threatened to put indecent pictures I've sent him all over facebook.. All that so I wouldn't tell anyone what our relationship really is!! It feels good to tell here about all that now as I've never told anyone about that stuff.. Still I don't seek active revenge, or plan anything. I have kept all our text messages and our facebook conversations on chat and personal messaging, so if one day I'd need to defend myself I have evidence against him. The best thing is to keep away, NC is truly the best revenge. I've tried to go NC many times, even before I figured out finally that he is a textbook narc. And the pure fear in his eyes or 'hurt' as he called it when I totally ignore him, is totally something else! It drives him over the edge! The crying the begging, constant calling until I say even one word, I've never seen anything like this! So it is best revenge for them. For me at the moment NC is impossible as we work side by side, and he would cry in the middle of workday and go totally ott, it's just impossible to work in that condition. But there's hope for me - he will leave in a month, back to his home country, after a year of postponing his leaving! Just the other week I got him so far as to give in his resignation! Yes, it has taken my amount of manipulation from my part, but can you blame me :))) We are in 'good' terms at the moment, but its all for piece and also he has threatened to postpone his leaving even further if I don't act or do the way he wants..
Sep 20 - 6AM
greengirl91
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Before some of the ugliest

Before some of the ugliest and recent D&D treatments he applied to me, I first went to see him performing in a concert. Then, I knew he was going to be at a party, where some of my girlfriends wanted to go. We`ve been "talking" through songs before seeing each other (to be translated, BS, and LIES!). But right before going, I had a strange anxiety coming into me, I started all to tremble and my whole body was shacking literrally. Like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, lol, when he has to go to see the Monster! THAT my friend, was my soul, my body, trying to WARN me, indirectly. Yes, fear and anxiety, because something in us, our HEALTHY self, knows with who we are relly dealing with. He wasn`t the Devil himself, but definetly one of his cousins!
Sep 19 - 11PM
freaked
freaked's picture

Sun, I had the same

Sun, I had the same experience too. I am the wife, but often I have wished I was his OW because he treats OW like she is an angel from heaven...and me the wife is like shit dirt to him. well, the mask dropped completely last year in oct. prior to that, he used to take us on vacations to exotic locations, and then fight and sulk and complain non stop. this became worse with each passing year. then once he took me to abroad for wedding anniversary and that night we had the worst ever fight because he was trying to paw the professional hookers who were partying at the restaurant after having spent full evening ogling at them and snapping at me. Beginning of this year is when i SENSED THE EVIL IN HIM and then moved out of his bedroom when a month after my intuition I found PROOF of what he is doing with this OW and also what crappy lies he wrote to her regarding what a horrible, selfish, ungrateful wretch i am. this is the first time i just stayed shut up and did not confront him. earlier during OW 1 and 2 when i had confronted him, he sent me to a psychiatrist...saying i was psychotic etc. but the psych gave me a clean chit and had specifically advised me to split from the marriage. But, our child was very small, i had no job/money..so had to stay on. For some years NH tried being kind to us, but he never really managed. always it was the OW who got his love and devotion...never me. he would say ' i love you ' to me...but never did anything to prove so. anyway, I am completely weary and tired today. no amount of sharing my story can ease even an ounce of the horrendous pain of my situation. I do ENVY the OW...sorry about this.
Sep 19 - 11PM (Reply to #38)
Sunafterrain
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freaked

God they're such bastards, aren't they? How you're feeling right now, is how I felt about his wife all those years. It's amazing how the bullshit just permeates through all of us isn't it? Sounds like what you put up with, is what my ex's now ex wife put up with. Yea, i did find all of this out AFTER we were over and the lies were so monumental I'm still sifting through it all...... My point here is that she will have the same treatment, and in fact is, particularly if he was seeing her while being with you. soon enough, he'll be off with another OW. You said he's had two that you're aware of? Yea, that'll change, NOT! Cheer up, chica. Try to let go of the envy and be grateful that he's out of your hair. He's HER problem now, and let me tell you, it's not a problem any OW would want to have. She's about to find out just what a problem he is!
Sep 19 - 10PM
Winter
Winter's picture

Evil

Yes, anxiety is how I can describe in one word the whole relationship. From the beginning till the end. But, God! Did it feel miraculous when (from time to time) I was relieved from it by him showing "love" and "affection"! That was my hook, I think. By the way, it is so ingenious, they inflict anxiety - they relieve. No surpises we got addicted!
Sep 19 - 10PM (Reply to #34)
Sunafterrain
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Winter

That's interesting because toward the end of the relationship even the FAKE showing of affection was anxiety provoking......because it WAS fake and I knew it, felt it....man it just makes me so sad......all the shit I put up with.....so sad...........I wish I had thought more of myself than to have been treated like that.....
Sep 19 - 11PM (Reply to #35)
Winter
Winter's picture

Sunafterrain

Yes, yes! And me too, now I recall when I heard my iPhone signaling and I knew it was a text from him, my first reaction was immediate extreme anxiety. Yes a lot of sadness too all the way. What a wonderful cocktail! I am so glad I am off! Brrr, never again. Sunny, dear, I started really understand few days ago and I am writing it over and over again: there is no reason to blame ourselves, we got already enough! You did put up because you loved. You did not calmly and conciously allowed him to treat you badly. It is not like he seat with you and said: "Dear, I will exploit you and use you, I don't respect you and just messing with your head. Now, you have a choice: to put up with it or not" And you answered: "Yes, I agree, I have no pride,please exploit me" Sorry if it may seem sarcastic. It is not. My point is: it seems to be your intepretation, while the reality is the following: we loved, we believed in their love, we were fooled,we were blunt, we were addicted. They used it to treate us badly. Now, that we finally have clarity, we will not allow it anymore (at least not to them ...lol... here being sarcastic... but a bit of irony will not hurt, right?) Love Winter
Sep 19 - 11PM (Reply to #36)
Sunafterrain
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Winter

You are right! I do blame myself a lot. A whole lot. I did love him very deeply for a long time. I think in the last two years though, it was dying, I admit. I just couldn't verbalize it or understand it, as the addiction was more of an issue at that point, as well as watching that damned carrot in the sky he constantly dangled in front of me. I guess this is why it was easier to work my way out of it and expose his ass doing it. When I realized what it really was, I was pissed. I'm still pissed and hurt when what i really want, is indifference. That is the goal.
Sep 19 - 10PM
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

Always anxious

Hello everyone, I have never had a reason to be scared around him, probably becuase I dont spend that much time with him. However, I have always felt very anxious, heart pounds and have nervous tension. I feel that lately stranger comments have come up, questioning me I whether I would dable in drugs or other kinky sex thing invovling others. He has mentioned that his partner tells him she would do this and wants to, but chickens out. That worries me as I think she is totally at his mercy also, prepared to do anything and everything..He has admitted that she would marry him in an instant if he proposed! She does lots of recreationl drugs with him also. I was only made aware of this on our last get together, I know he is a wild one, makes me feel a little scared as I get the feeling he wants to see what i lurking inside me. I wonder what he is like at home? I know that his partner does not know about me, I didn't know about her in the begining either. I think he is evil...very dark inside...just like a vampire...beautiful outside...magical..perfect for luring and then once caught..all hell breaks loose.
Sep 19 - 9PM
juliamarie
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Anxiety

I was in CONSTANT anxiety for the last 6 months of the relationship. I rationalized it because I have always had a bit of situational anxiety disorder, but this was different. I would wake up next to him in a sweat in the middle of the night....completely panicked...and at the time I thought it was for no reason. I was edgy to the point of madness. Evil didn't come until the night he called me a f-ing c*nt....and I just lost it. I have never had a thought of suicide in my entire life, and I took an entire bottle of pills. And I immediately regretted it. I told him that I made a mistake and he needed to take me to the hospital, and he laughed and said, "You didn't take those pills...you're just trying to get attention. Get the f out of my house". And I did...I drove home drunk and full of pills. And I started praying. I got up in the middle of the night and threw up all the pills....knocked my head on the side of my toilet and split my lip open. And that's when I knew it was evil. He had projected his own sick need to kill himself on me. I will never forget that night. It keeps me from ever going back.
Sep 19 - 9PM (Reply to #28)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

JuliaMarie

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Have you listened to Thomas Sheridan's radio interviews or read his book, watched his videos? He didn't have a sick need to kill himself projected on you, he wanted YOU to commit suicide. Murder by suicide. He knew what he was doing and what it would do to you to say those things and do what he did. They push us to the edge. I remember that my ex disordered one told me his wife was a depressed mess, in bed for days at a time, one Sunday, she didn't want to go to church. He provoked her, I don't know how, but he did....she pulled a knife out of the kitchen drawer and threatened to kill herself...he just looked at her and said, "Go ahead and do it..we'd be better off". HE TOLD ME THIS STORY and he was PROUD of it! He did things to her that were atrocious. And none of this dawned on me, how big of a red flag that was, until it was over and the fog was lifting. I"m glad you're alive and away from that evil entity. You did the right thing in staying NC. BLESS YOUR HEART!
Sep 20 - 6PM (Reply to #30)
juliamarie
juliamarie's picture

Thank you for your sweet comments

I'm interested in your theory of the fact that he wanted to push me to the edge. I guess the power of taking a smart, attractive, loving person to the brink of ending her life was satisfying for him in some sick way. I don't get it. He refuses to acknowledge that I actually took those pills. Like it just didn't happen and I'm making it up to create drama. That's not even remotely who I am. I'm still sick that I got to that point. I have to remind myself of that fateful night because it's the only thing that keeps me safe. I had to tell my therapist and my close friends what happened because I needed a reality check in case I ever actually thought going back to him was a possibility. Quite literally, it would be my life. It's not worth it no matter how much pain I'm in right now.
Sep 23 - 11PM (Reply to #31)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Pushing you over the edge

this is what Thomas Sheridan talks about, murder by suicide. My ex's second wife was suicidally depressed during their marriage. Now I know why, although the picture he painted was of what a victim of HER he was. She was a victim of HIM. This is what they do. This is what HE wanted you to do and this man is nothing less than incredibly dangerous. I'm glad you got away alive.
Sep 20 - 8AM (Reply to #29)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The will to live

The ex-Psych prof engaged in suicide ideation after my grandfather died my freshman year, saying "if you're so unhappy, why don't you kill yourself?" He'd say that Sofia Tolstoy's numerous suicide attempts&contemplation of suicide was proof that she REALLY loved Leo. During the final D&D, my friends were afraid I was on the verge of suicide (he was drinking heavily-his alcoholism had become public, no longer a rumor)... but I said, "How can I torment him if I'm DEAD???" In some sick way, I KNEW that if I attempted suicide or killed myself, it would've given the ULTIMATE ego boost... and being a little sadistic, I wanted to watch him suffer, or at least make him suffer. It was fairly recently I found out why the ex-P was hellbent on keeping me from reading his beloved "War and Peace." In "War and Peace",the psychopathic Anatole woos Natasha. They plan to elope. When Natasha learns that Anatole already has a common-law wife, she attempts suicide thru poisoning. As part of the final D&D, I learned that the ex-P already had a girlfriend (and he had identified me with Natasha early on) But that also explains why, when I broke NC in '09, I oozed HAPPINESS. Nothing sad, longing, depressed or suicidal about it. Maybe I really wanted to hit the accelerator when driving him crazy.
Sep 19 - 7PM
Layla
Layla's picture

I was very afraid of my abuser.

He was physically and sexually abusive as well to me, and of course that played into my very real fear of him. I knew what he WAS capable of, and that alone was quite horrible.
Sep 19 - 8PM (Reply to #22)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Layla

Mine was sexually abusive. I too, was afraid because I knew what he WAS capable of. And that was the whole point.
Sep 19 - 8PM (Reply to #23)
Layla
Layla's picture

Makes me angry all over again...........

God how I hate that man.....Lord, bring me INDIFFERENCE!!! I'll get there! But not today! ; ) love~ Layla
Sep 19 - 9PM (Reply to #24)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Layla

Is it you that is a believer? A catholic I believe? My ex just married a catholic woman and changed to her denomination after being a "nazarene" while with the ex for years. Seeing him as a catholic is almost hysterical, given that he hated the catholic religion. I was raised catholic. I'm not practicing that faith at all, but I am a Christian and a believer. Having said that, I pray for that every single night as I lie in bed. EVERY single night, shoot, even throughout the day. Why does God not bring peace or answers so that we can let go? This has really frustrated me so much.
Sep 19 - 9PM (Reply to #25)
Layla
Layla's picture

I think we wiill completely let go........

.....when we have completely grasped the lesson! And we do our part to search for answers, and serve each other to help find them in sites like this. : ) We'll get there! I know it!! Yes, I am catholic, and love my faith and our Lord and not ashamed to say it. love~ Layla
Sep 19 - 9PM (Reply to #26)
Sunafterrain
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Layla

Me too. HUGS!
Sep 19 - 7PM
Swan
Swan's picture

EVIL

YES! Anxious around him from day one. I was never fully comfortable or at peace with him. Then, it made that transformation to FEAR. Very intense fear where I was afraid to sleep, to be anywhere alone with him away from home, to be alone with him at home, just full on 24/7 fear. I didn't know who he was or what he'd done with my sweet husband that I married!
Sep 19 - 7PM
onthebrink
onthebrink's picture

Evil

I also felt he was evil like and, once looked at him and thought he looked like a demon of some sort. I heard him talking on the phone to his sister once, and he described their Mother (another N) as evil. Now that I have been away from him for over a year, I am repulsed by the thought of talking to or touching him. It literally is making me sick to my stomach to think about it now.
Sep 19 - 6PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

sunafterrain

I ALWAYS felt anxious with the man, I felt like the devil was wrestling fro my very soul and it was a 50/50 situation, I am not into devils, angels, etc., all that, but I actually said that to myself.I told one of the many therapist saw over the course of 15 years and I said anxious would describe my 15 years with the narc, he laughed and said hell would be more like it.They are evil in the guise of a normal human being, true aliens.
Sep 19 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
lilliandiane
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Anxiety

I think my anxiety came from KNOWING that it was impossible to believe it when things were good. 4 days of being wrapped up in each other--being each other's #1 priority; unable to get enough of each other; unable to say I love you enough; out-doing each other on the How do I love Thee. Knowing that this was ALWAYS the way it was--until something intervened and away he went and whatever we had was expendable AGAIN. Even after the phone call from Serena and the realization that he had been with her all the time he was supposedly missing me soooo badly, he came over and sat on the other couch from the one i was sitting on and the fact that I had been so devastated meant nothing to him. In fact it was time to tell me it would be at least 2 more years before he would be free. Every time I think of the arrogance, it makes me wild. One minute he can't love me enough; the next it's the tremendous favor he is doing me just to be in my life. So I think the EVIL is the love that you can't trust followed by the total indifference/arrogance that leaves you shaking, feeling so complicit in your own undoing.
Sep 19 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

lilly

beautiful post and so well articulated. I'm so grateful for all of you women here who were OW's and so forthcoming and honest about your experiences. It helps me so much to understand my disordered one better and to feel a kinship with those who went through similar dynamics with him, as well as the guilt and pain and feeling totally foolish for involvement. Lily, one thing that dawned on me as I was reading your post. They leave us in a perpetual state of the possibility of abandonment. I see the same thing in your disordered one that I knew with mine: The moments of kindness and sex were meant to build us up with hope, KNOWING he was going to abandon us the next day, week, year...HE KNEW JUST WHAT HE WAS DOING and it he MEANT to do it because HARM is how they get off. THink about it. What he did to you, was on purpose. Completely. Inevitable harm.
Sep 23 - 2PM (Reply to #18)
lilliandiane
lilliandiane's picture

I wonder

If the N who has hardened himself to feel is repeating a pattern. Maybe the mother of an N just can't connect to her son and every time she tries, he punishes her out of fear of abandonment? He thinks she holds a power over him and he becomes hardened to her overtures? I mean mine already had back up with his grandmother, so he was pretty secure in being partially receptive and then rejecting his mother. When we first met his contempt for his mom was pretty evident and any conflicts I had with my boys, he reacted to me as though I was the bad guy, expecting too much. He said things like his mother was crazy; he was adopted, etc. I still think fear is what is behind their cruelty. A woman's love is too terrifying and any means necessary to repulse her is justified survivalal behavior for them.
Sep 20 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
Pride and Shame
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SUN!!!!

Yes, that's it. I always "felt" that he was one step away from walking away. I've never owned that feeling until right now. And I was always subconsciously "trying" not to let that happen. There was never a feeling of contentment or security. I never felt protected or safe. It must have worked on me at a deeper level. That old fear of abandonment. More for my "to ponder" list!!