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Fear of seeing the ex again

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#1 Aug 16 - 3PM
janine
janine's picture

Fear of seeing the ex again

I left my N lover 3 weeks ago, sort of faded away from him. No actual rows, no agression. He never has been agressive, because he knew I'd simply leave, and maybe because I always refused to live with him. For the past 5 years of a 10-year relationship I'd gained more and more distance, outside and inside, done therapy and only left, when I was strong enough to do so. Except for much sadness I've been coping well, not longing to go back.
Two days ago he rang. His brother-in-law died in an accident. I've known him and his wife very well. No doubt I must and want to attend the funeral. Since they had just moved away, we will both be going on the same plane. His family does not know that we have split up. That chap was about the only friend my ex ever had, except for me of course. It is horrible. I so dread seeing him and spending several hours with him, when I've just come out of this. It's not that I am afraid of falling back into his arms. I have just left decades of taking care of others behind, and I know that I must not fall into that trap again that my soft, empathic heart has often led me into. There's no advice for this, I know, I just must be strong. I just felt that posting this might help me with it.....hopefully.

Aug 17 - 7AM
janine
janine's picture

Thank you so much

for all your advice. You cannot imagine how much your support means to me. Your kind words will be on my mind when I go there early tomorrow morning (I'm in Europe). Everything happens for a reason, and this may be for me to see and show, how far I have detached. I do not intend to act the girlfriend for his sake nor the family's and will keep in the background, so everyone, including me, can do his mourning. I have put out my clothes and, silly as this may sound in such a sad situation, it consoles me a little that I look my best in black. One really has to embrace all for confidence. And my swimsuit is waiting for me to get into the minute I'm back and swim it all off (my life-saver).
Aug 17 - 1AM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Janine

This is my experience with funerals and the exN. They don't get it. They don't feel the sadness we feel. They don't feel the devastation for the wife or the husband that just lost their partner of 40 yrs. They don't get it. However, they fake it well and in my experience it was like any other party, time to take center stage and move forward with the agenda. I wouldn't hesitate to let people know that you and the ex are no longer together and follow up with maintaining your distance. I have been set up so many times it is not even funny because I respected the occasion but he did not. It was always their advantage. If you set things right right from the beginning, then it will be much more difficult for him to undermine you. My problem was always taking what I thought was the high road when in fact what is necessary is to cut them off at the pass. almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 16 - 7PM
Amy
Amy's picture

know the feeling

I am always deathly afraid of running into my N ex-fiance. We live in the same neighborhood. All you can do is try and ignore him and avoid relationship questions. I can't imagine how hard this will be for you!
Aug 16 - 6PM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

janine

janine I'm sorry you lost a friend. My prayers are with you. But do remember you are going for the family not the N. don't let him think otherwise! So book your flight and arrangements without telling me any of it. You don't need or want his help to do this. He's going to try and be in the spot light cuz it was "his brother in law". He's going to have more sympathy for himself than he will his sister. You'll be able to see thru this even if no one else does. The rest of the family needs your soft, empathetic heart. He doesn't. and he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't have a heart for anyone except himself. so keep yours. I have all the faith in the world that you will do what's best for the family. and for yourself. God Bless
Aug 16 - 6PM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Tough situation

and I guess I don't have much advice for you, other than to vent on the board whenever you can get access to it. And make a list of a) all the reasons you left and b) all the things you feel good about since leaving. It's good that you're aware of your feelings now so you can get centered before you get on the plane.
Aug 16 - 5PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

janine

I wish I could speak to this. I had a sort of similar experience when I was young (about 22) and I broke up with my boyfriend right before his mom died. I went to the funeral but I didn't really know how to act. This was a totally different situation, because this guy was just silly and not ready for an adult life, so it was easy to just be there as his friend, but if you were with someone dangerous, be careful at least. I know someone on this board will have some good, solid, experienced advice for you on this. Hang tight. Good luck and prayers.
Aug 17 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
M
M's picture

janine

If you decide to go, go because of ther person who passed--not that person's connection to the xN. You have a choice. if you feel strong enought to avoid confrontation from the xN, go & set your boundaries.