feeling pugilistic..

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#1 Jan 14 - 6PM
angie
angie's picture

feeling pugilistic..

Oh BOY I am feeling the pull tonight. The last thing I want to do is contact him after I've been so strong...but there is this big urge in me to let him know what an ass I think he is...the anger and resentment is flared up right now, and it would feel SO good to get him on the phone and just nail his ass to the wall with all the things I think he DESERVES to hear. Even if he won't believe them or acknowledge them, and even though I would end up looking crazy and out of control....I just want to go OFF. All of a sudden I feel all this resentment and anger that I didn't know was there...I thought I was past this!!! :( which makes me even more angry, I am SOOO tired of thinking about this, of having my emotions affected, of having to put effort into being 'better off', of just...all of it. Why can't I let go of this final connection? Why can't I just BE ok instead of telling myself I'm ok??? Why can't I just TRULY NOT CARE. I feel disgusted with myself for giving him so much of my energy, for letting him feed off of me even now...we haven't talked in weeks but it still feels like he is sucking away my essence...why is that and why can't I JUST STOP?????? I am frustrated and pissed off and I feel like I could fight a midievel battle and weep like an infant at the same time, and it just plain sucks. I feel like I've ridden a wave of strength since this all began and now its crashed and I am drowning in all of the rage and bitterness. I don't know how to get out.

Jan 15 - 6PM
angie
angie's picture

thanks!

thanks everyone for the encouragement...intellectually of course I know I would regret any attempt at contact. It really is like a drug, and just being able to do something with that excess energy from that desire is so helpful...I am SO thankful for this site. Venting to people who understand what I am going through and can affirm my thoughts is awesome. Barbara I don't see a therapist, can't afford one..this site is my therapy for now :) I woke up today very proud of myself for staying strong, and feeling content. Still dizzy from the roller coaster yes that is so true Carolyn! Something about even thinking about them seems to intensify every emotion, the highs are so high and the lows can be so low, and the anger so unlike me! I am trying to learn that it is ok to be mad, it is quite justified. Its hard to remember sometimes that these guys do not think like normal humans, that ignoring them is more hurtful than any nastiness I could throw at him in word form. I guess a part of me is wanting him to contact me so that I CAN hurtfully ignore him. but contacting me again without my initiative would be so beneath him...its hard to admit that I am not and never will be as important as his own stupid pride, especially when there's nothing else at stake. But I must not internalize that, just because he doesn't care doesn't mean that I am not worthy of being cared for. It means he's an idiot.
Jan 15 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

angie

this site should NEVER EVER be used as a replacement for therapy. It says so in the Rules and I may start banning temporarily people who don't get some real therapy outside this board... That is JUST HOW SERIOUS the aftermath of these relationships are. Can't afford isn't really an excuse these days. Sorry. 1. go to your local DV Center, ask if they have low cost counseling or ask if they have a group you can join for free. And JOIN. 2. Catholic Charities has counseling on a sliding scale or free. You do NOT have to Catholic. Call them in your area, tell them you need a TRAUMA counselor asap and could they help you. Tell them briefly your financial situation. You are playing with your mental & physical health by simply using an online site for "therapy." You will end up with complex PTSD (like me) if you don't get after this NOW. start calling first thing on Monday. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 15 - 11AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Charlie Brown's Teacher

Remember the Charlie Brown cartoons -- especially the movies like, Charlie Brown's Christmas? The teacher in the classroom is never seen. When the teacher talks, the sound is rather like 'yourp, yourp.' Basically, "blah, blah." If this dude is a true narcissist, this is what you are to him . . . Charlie Brown's teacher . . . some shadow character who simply does not understand, is a total inconvenience, & really says nothing sensible that requires any real attention -- only some 'placating' response, most likely, devoid of any real substance. Only really waiting for the bell to ring & get out of teacher's orbit & back into Charlie Brown's real life. Teachers are part of all that crap adults put upon Charlie Brown & his gange. Women are the same for a narcissist. All this being nice, flowers, foreplay is such a drag & he feels very put upon . . . the hoops he has to jump through to get sex, a place to live, laundry, etc. Forget your narcissist. He'll never apologize. Just move on & don't waste time on him. He's not wasting any time on you or your feelings. But, if you want to come around for him to use you for something like money, sex, food or laundry. He'll by all means permit you that favor. But, really, show some gratitude for the audience which he permits.
Jan 14 - 8PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

It is one of the stages of

It is one of the stages of getting out. You have gone from victim to being angry you were made a victim. Next you will think of him less and less and eventually wonder about why you ever cared. You have been on a pleasure/pain roller coaster and then you got off the rollercoaster and now you are dizzy. I think that affirmations,physical excercise, and meditations really change the chemistry of all of this. Say this every day "I am now freed from all resentment or atttachment toward or from emotional pain, people, places, or things of the past or present. I manifest my true people, I am receiving all the unlimited health that the universe has for me now and I am blessed with the true prosperity and riches that the universe is sending to me now. Some affirmations that you can say all day when your thoughts turn to him are: I feel peace and tranquility I feel balance and harmony I forgive him but I do hold him accountable I let go of this anger for my own well-being In 22 days these should clean your anger out. You don't need to say them all just pick one. Then try one of these but continue to say the meditation for the year. At New Year's write your own. You will be surprised how changed things will be. I am worthy of love and affection I deeply accept myself and remain open to new possibilities I am confident in my personal powers I have good fortune and peace within I hold serenity within me and I look ahead in my life It sounds silly but it does something to the thought process and you will feel much better. Try to read the meditation before you go to sleep and in the morning.
Jan 14 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
no more
no more's picture

I believeI will not go back again

I have to believe and trust that I will not go back again but why did I do it last year after 2 years of NC? I know that I was more informed this time, after the fact though. And yes affirmations are definitely a positive thing. But it really is an effort some days to just even get out of bed. I have to say thanks for the support and help towards healing to be able to make better choices. And I enjoy the funny comments,,,,,,I need my sense of humour back and it sure feels good to laugh. But right now I am feeling that I don't want to go there again for a looooonnnngggggggggg time if ever.

I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.

Jan 15 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sd0355 & angie

what does your therapist say about your going back? sometimes it takes a LOOOOONG time to get over it - took me over 4 years to get past 22 months... of course Sandra Brown, MA's Institute and Healing Retreats as well as her counselors weren't around then... I had a great therapist, did go to a clinic for the PTSD and that did help a WHOLE lot though it took longer. You need to read up on trauma bonding. THE BETRAYAL BOND by Patrick Carnes would be of interest to you. and angie, forget 'affirmations' are you seeing a therapist who gets the PTSD and deprogramming that you need? It's part of the deprogramming. Same book I just recommended to sd0355 would be helpful for you. No matter what you say "telling him off" will roll right off him. He won't hear it or care - it's WASTED on him. What isn't wasted is NC. When you act like they don't matter or exist. And cut off all means of him contacting you. These freaks GET OFF on people yelling at them. They LOVE it! They FEED on your reactions. Do NOT do it. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 14 - 8PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

angie

OK, STOPPPPP! Don't do it, girl! There are so many times I wanted to 'nail my ex's ass to the wall to', even recently after almost a year! All he'll hear is BLAH BLAH BLAH, and he'll have the satisfaction of getting to you still. Be honest with yourself here; do you really think he's going to say, "hmmm, maybe something IS wrong with me, and I missed a great opportunity with this wonderful woman?" No, all it will do is give an even bigger boost to his ego that he's so important that his ex is thinking about him THIS MUCH. You won't get the closure you're looking for. Trust me, saying nothing will bug him more than anything. These bouts of anger - which can actually be therapeutic - will come and go. Best to find a way to get it out in constructively rather than stay in the sick, twisted world of your ex. You have been strong, and it's TOUGH. Do anything rather than call him. If you read through the boards, there are a ton of suggestions on how to help ease the pain.