feeling pugilistic..
feeling pugilistic..
Oh BOY I am feeling the pull tonight. The last thing I want to do is contact him after I've been so strong...but there is this big urge in me to let him know what an ass I think he is...the anger and resentment is flared up right now, and it would feel SO good to get him on the phone and just nail his ass to the wall with all the things I think he DESERVES to hear. Even if he won't believe them or acknowledge them, and even though I would end up looking crazy and out of control....I just want to go OFF. All of a sudden I feel all this resentment and anger that I didn't know was there...I thought I was past this!!! :( which makes me even more angry, I am SOOO tired of thinking about this, of having my emotions affected, of having to put effort into being 'better off', of just...all of it. Why can't I let go of this final connection? Why can't I just BE ok instead of telling myself I'm ok??? Why can't I just TRULY NOT CARE. I feel disgusted with myself for giving him so much of my energy, for letting him feed off of me even now...we haven't talked in weeks but it still feels like he is sucking away my essence...why is that and why can't I JUST STOP?????? I am frustrated and pissed off and I feel like I could fight a midievel battle and weep like an infant at the same time, and it just plain sucks. I feel like I've ridden a wave of strength since this all began and now its crashed and I am drowning in all of the rage and bitterness. I don't know how to get out.
thanks!
angie
Charlie Brown's Teacher
It is one of the stages of
I believeI will not go back again
I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.
sd0355 & angie
angie