Feeling sorry for myself

12 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 12 - 10PM

FUMB

Feeling sorry for myself

I've been NC for just over week, and I'd been doing pretty good. When I found this site and realized that I was manipulated and that HE was the crazy one... it made me feel better. The more I read everyone's posts and stories and saw all the similarities, I felt like I had this instant support network (thank you all btw). Then today... it hit me. I'm just in this down mood. I know I shouldn't look, but I noticed exN unhid his match profile so I could tell he was trolling for new prey. Then he hid it again... I felt like without being able to see if he was "online" that I lost MY supply! Ugh...pathetic. And even though my head knows without a doubt he is a complete scumbag loser... I scratch my head thinking, "How did it go from BLISS to HELL overnight? How did I let myself, who wasn't even all that interested in him in the beginning, become sooo wrapped up in him? I knew he had cheated on his wife with multiple people... how could I be so stupid to think he wouldn't do that to me?

So, to add insult to injury. My ex-husband tells me tonight that he is going to introduce someone (his new gfriend) to our kid this weekend. He has never introduced anyone to her. I"m ok with him doing that... but I feel like a total loser that I AM ALL DEPRESSED OVER THE DEMISE OF MY RELATIONSHIP TO A F'D UP, ANGRY, IMMATURE, LYING, CHEATING, MANIPULATIVE PIECE OF SHIT... and my ex (who I am completely over btw) is all happy and in that lovey dovey new phase with someone. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I guess I'm entitled to that... Thanks for listening.

#2 Jan 13 - 5PM

Happy1

FUMB

I know it's very hard to get over. I'm a short while out and in NC. He lastly told me he was on Match and I'm very upset. I have done everything in my power to not look at his profile. I think they're all visible right? So I don't want to go there...ugh!! I'm scared I would completely lose it and contact him. I hope you start feeling better. I hope we both do. I know I'm not a big support tonight. My mind is all jumbled up and I can't think straight myself tonight. very depressed. Here's big hope for us both! Happy1

#3 Jan 13 - 5PM

Happy1

FUMB

#4 Jan 13 - 9AM

spinning

FUMB, you are asking yourself some

good questions. And you are entitled to feel sorry for yourself. You've been horribly mis-treated by a disordered individual who will forever remain that way. You, on the other hand, will not. You already know the things you must resolve within yourself to move on and in time and with work I believe you will resolve them. Earlier in the NC phase after the D & D I thought I'd never stop feeling so sorry for so many things, including myself. The good news is, I came to find out that feeling sorry for myself was better than feeling sorry for HIM, which I was brainwashed into doing every time I tried to get out. I am 2 months, six days NC and unbelievably I am slowly feeling calmer about the whole ordeal. The true nature of what this "person" is and always was is becoming revealed. And with each part that is revealed, I am truly rejecting it now. I hope this makes sense. He is long gone but I am finally REJECTING him. I want NO PART of such disorder, destruction and chaos. FUMB, you are on the road to recovery and healing and getting the poison out of you so you will rediscover the good things about yourself and your life. These "people" are master manipulators...they know what they're doing and they do it for a reason. Do not blame yourself too much. I am no expert but I know that by just committing to getting better, to healing and to feeling better is a big part of the process and will, I strongly believe, eventually pay off in ways I've yet to discover. Heck, it already has in terms of finding this board and this wonderful community of strong, compassionate, humorous women (and men). I'm pulling for you and know this will pass. Sincerely (slowing down a bit from) spinning

spinning

#5 Jan 13 - 9AM

helldweller

the pity party

I know this feeling so well. I am absolutelly flabbergasted and pissed off about this. I got married when I was 28. I had never been one who was looking to get married, but I fell in love with my husband, he and I were totally on the same page about everything, and I specifically thought, "I don't want to be alone. I want a partner and family." Sure, I would have liked a few more years to make money, pursue my career, travel, have fun, but I consicously sacrificed that because I DID NOT WANT TO BE ALONE. Long story short, the husband was a recovering alcoholic and didn't tell me. I found out three years later when he started drinking (and raging, etc etc) again. Stayed with him and tried and tried and tried for ten years and finally left him. Met the narc who I only dated because he said he wanted marriage and children so badly, adored my daughters, seemed very family oriented. Wasted four years with him until I found out he was having "serious, family-oriented relationships" with several other women the whole time. So here I am at 42, with two kids and no man, and my mom saying, "Being alone's not so bad, at least you have your children." AAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK! My best friend got married last year at 43. They have a newborn baby, he is an engineer and he cooks, cleans and feeds the baby during the night so she can rest. She took all the time in the world to build her publishing company, travel all over the place and date all the guys she wanted, most of whom begged for marriage while she took her sweet time. She never cared if she settled down or not. Now there she is, the stay at home mom dabbling in publishing, while her devoted husband fawns over her forever. It really stinking sucks.

#6 Jan 13 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

onwithmylife

Helldweller

I love you for your honest, straight forward approach, if i did not know you lived in Chicago, I would swear you were from the East Coast!! I am am way older than you and on my bucket list is the chance for one last good, solid relationship with a man that loves me for who I am now and visa versa. a man I can live with, love with, and have laughter and good time and even times are not so good. i will go to my deathbed hoping to achieve my big goal in life, besides getting back into the field of work I do so well in.I guess it is the cards you are handed in life and we all have our stories to tell, many days I feel just like you, ever since the Narc moved to another state, I have been on different websites, done different activities hoping to meet a man I can connect with even just for a friendship, since it all begins there, but so far to no avail, but I will hang in there and who knows maybe one day I can say to all on board, guess what met a GREAT GUY!!!at least in my dreams!??

#7 Jan 13 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

michele115 (not verified)

Helldweller....

My best friend got married last year at 43. They have a newborn baby, he is an engineer and he cooks, cleans and feeds the baby during the night so she can rest. She took all the time in the world to build her publishing company, travel all over the place and date all the guys she wanted, most of whom begged for marriage while she took her sweet time. She never cared if she settled down or not. Now there she is, the stay at home mom dabbling in publishing, while her devoted husband fawns over her forever. It really stinking sucks. Yes, this may be true for your friend, and I get the comparing and wanting to go kick rocks...why does everybody else get blah, blah, blah...yes doll, I've been there too...STOP! AND - a quote not sure of it's origin, but a friend posted it and I've always tried to live by it: Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. That is not to say you envy...but we get caught up with what the Jones' have sometimes and it's not healthy for us. I know you are happy for your friend, BUT you are also saying: Why can't I have that? Helldweller, each of us have a journey in life that we must take. I'm beginning to believe that which we lust after is the thing we will most be denied. I believe that because I have lusted with a passion for money, and love my whole life. Neither has materialized. Do you know what that has led me to believe? That the DIVINE is intervening because there is a greater lesson I am supposed to learn BEFORE those things will be allowed to manifest for me. This situation, has led me to a greater path of self awareness. I realize, that what I thought was love, wasn't love and I have detected some issues within myself that may very well be a hinderance to my finding a healthy love and this situation is propelling me to face, recongnize and work on those things. Can I love? Sure I can, but I also have some issues and insecurities, and I need to learn how to be true to myself or else, I am not giving of my authentic self. With this jerk, I found myself knowing what I wanted, knowing what I needed but sacrificing MYSELF and putting his needs first? That isn't love - in a sense, perhaps I was just as GUILTY of manipulation for if I am hiding certain aspects of myself to "please" someone else, that is presenting a LIE. Helldweller, I can't speak for you, your journey, what you need to learn or not learn - I can say that with all your power, strength, intelligence and beauty, you can take this situation and turn it into something beautiful and profound. I know it sounds crazy - but as women, we are strong, resilient and capable of great things and it is the result of men's weakness that society as a whole has created these molds to try to box us into... Helldweller, get in touch with your power, then you will be able to attract what it is you heart desires. This applies whether you believe in God, Methaphisyics or a potato...whatever it is...our minds create our realities. I haven't mastered all I am preaching YET, but I am working diligently trying to get my mind in the right place. I am only sharing what is helpful to me. And I know this is a process - What we perceive to be so wonderful - has it's downside too....that's life. Everything is a tradeoff. In everything there is an opportunity - it's what you make of it. Hugs!

#8 Jan 13 - 2AM

michele115 (not verified)

Yes....

The pity party is part of it...a party not to enjoyable but part of it - it will pass... Just think about how much work you're gonna do to improve things for YOURSELF and how you are gonna get better and how your life is going to change for the better, and how this is a process of renewal and something that you have to go through to get to the other end... AND don't compare yourself to others...it's a killer during this stage... It will get better... Hugs

#9 Jan 13 - 12AM

gettinbetter

We have all had these

We have all had these thoughts. In my situation I am the one who is married. I had a previous relationship with the Narc when I was younger. I always find myself asking how did I let him back in my life again. How did this happen? Why Why would he come back all these years later and do it again. How could I be so weak and the list goes on... When I found his match.com account (after months of him confessing how much he loved me and we were gonna work things out) it was like I got kicked in the stomach. Then his account dissappeared. All I can say is the people do a number on your mind. I never had problems in any of my previous relationships until this one.

#10 Jan 12 - 11PM

strongerthanever

You're entitled

I understand where you are coming from. Been there too. Last summer, my best friend got married and I was the witness so, i had to sign the marriage license. knowing my exN just did this with his bride 4 months prior. And a month before that, my daughter got married and i had to do that too for her. then my boss got engaged...and then every damn celebrity! WTH?! Why is everyone doing that and I cant even keep a guy for more than 3 months and him tell me I was not enough of a woman. Oh yeah, self abuse and pity can rear it's ugly head. As my counselor told me, i'm an intelligent woman. I know but can't get that wire to my heart...for good! It has taken me 2 yrs to not get anxiety attacks or feel totally depressed. But, some days, I go down that road. No one is going to judge. We've all done it. It is because WE loved deeply and it was authentic to US. Not them. THEY cannot love like us. I find that sad. THEY cannot see someone for the true person and allow them to be who they are. THEY are the ones that will end up alone. It may take you longer to find your soulmate (i believe we have many in a life time) but you'll be so much better that you will attract someone that will see YOU. I have read up on emotional vibration and believe in this. When you are with someone that is angry, depressed, pessimistic, the send out a low vibe. It makes you feel blah. But when you are with someone that is generally happy, optimistic, caring, they send out a higher vibe. It puts you in a good mood. So, work on getting your vibe up because all you are going to attract is love vibe people...and they are not much fun.

#11 Jan 12 - 11PM (Reply to #2)

FUMB

Thank you :) That is good

Thank you :) That is good advice. I am usually a very upbeat person... It makes me angry that I am in this bad place bc of him. I'm having a bad moment, but I think what I'm going to do is give myself a couple more days to mope around and then that's it. I want to look at it this way... this experience just gets me one step closer to finding the RIGHT GUY! Thank you again!

#12 Jan 13 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

strongerthanever

I just joined the party today

yep, i gave you advice and then i got news on the exN and i just joined your party! We know what we need to do but it is hard sometimes. Just as my family and friends remind me, "he has not changed. he is doing the same thing with the OW as he did with you. look, let's live here! We'll be happy! Give me your soul, we'll be happy!" The OW has to follow him now, she married him! I questioned him! I did dodge the bullet. I bet she would be hurt to know that where she is living, 2 blocks away he and i were looking at homes just 2 yrs ago! When we were looking 4 yrs ago, he drove me in a neighborhood. After I moved close by it, i found out that we actually drove by an ex's house, and she was still living there when we drove by! How sick is that? He takes all of the women he is dating to the same vacation spots, same trails, same camp grounds! And then announces it! "Me and so-and-so were here last yr". who says this to their gf? And why? Yes, i cant even try to figure his brain out or why he does the things he does. my exN got what he wanted. Move to the area he wanted to, change jobs and have someone support him, not question him, not challenge him, and adore him 100% regardless of how he treates you. As my friend told me today, "you know he isn't happy. look at what he is doing. first he moves to the waterfront because while with you, that is all you guys did. walked on the waterfront and dreamed of owning a home there. but, he found someone that would rent a small condo that suited him. then he moved to the area he loves and closer to his work. not her work. moving the chairs on the titanic it seems. it isn't going to make a difference and make him happy." I am working on moving up my emotional vibrations and continue to do things for me and trying really hard to not think about what the heck he is doing and why!

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