First Trigger in a While - very icky feeling

I was sitting with coffee reading in one of my daily readers and I flip the page and there is a scribbled note by me that says "xxx birthday", where xxx is xNs youngest son.

Well, I just went in my head reeling. Unbelievable. One year, it was very cold on his birthday and we were out and about and he comes in my house with this shred of a maybe spring jacket that didn't even fit him, way too big. xN says, when I asked, well he gives support and what she does with it is up to her. I ask if we can stop at kohls cuz I need something and I get him a fitting winter coat for his birthday.

And in that same flash that I am able to be in reality and say, see Round3, he trully can think of no one but himself. Not even one of his own children and their health and safety..... same breath comes.... and now he is giving all his attention to HER (the OW) and her HER kid(OWette) and probably buying all sorts of shit for them and probably had her move and probably this and probably that and blah blah.

So I haven't had a trigger in a long time. I have been getting back in to my regular grove of life. Haven't had an anxiety attack in well over a month. The only thing I have had is tiny bouts of fear that I am able to quickly work through with my things I've learned here and with the therapist.

I have to go sit in training all day and I keep thinking, for gosh sakes, this better not be one of THOSE days where I can't turn my head off. I am trying to be grateful that he has left me alone (or so I feel like it because I have NC like Fort Knox).

And I fell right back in to "man, I just really hope some seriously miserable shit happens to that useless piece of crap. I want God to punish him!". Any mere thought of him just really turns my stomach. It's rare now, the thoughts, but they still just turn my stomach. And sometimes I slip in to waiting for the next little bit of news that will bring me more emotion. How do I still seem to have hurt and jealously over someone who trully was THAT horrible to me and who I KNOW is disordered and I KNOW, sooner or later he will do it to someone else.... mind blowing... every once in a while I still wish "fairness" on him in the form of an eye for an eye sort of thing.

And I took a sharpee and colored over those scribbles.

I don't even know how long NC I am. It's more than 3 months, less than 4 I think. I totally wasn't expecting this rush of emotions over two words scribbled in a book.

grh...

Round3