Footpath's story

Initially, I couldn't make sense of why/how my EXNarc's behavior affected me so intensely. I think he triggered all the psychological wounds ingrained from my childhood having both NPD parents. The short story goes like this - I was born (3rd child of 4) into a dysfunctional family. NF controlling and deceitful to NM openly for at 20+ years. NF was out "playing poker" on Friday nights and without explanation of his whereabouts ever. No phone. No cell. No email. No text. No questions. Another weird thing... one day out of the blue, my eldest sister told my sisters and I that we were going to all get trust funds when were grown up for the purpose of not having to rely on our future husbands for permission to buy something for ourselves. And I was relieved about that since I always saw my NM stressing about being strapped for cash. When I asked her to share her gum, she would break the stick in tiny pieces and give me the smallest. She had house cleaners weekly, car and unlimited gas, and a large home, all without working yet couldn't figure out how to give me a piece of gum. NF paid for all of our college education but never gave unconditional love, empathy, or compassion. I was grateful for what I received and still am, especially since he never told ME to shut up. But he told my NM to shut up or just be quiet, frequently. It always bothered me to see dirty dishes in the kitchen sink after school and nothing was ever in the refrigerator except cottage cheese. I remember as a kid feeling so desperate for normalcy, good cooking, and consistency. It's probably why I loved sleep-away-camp so much. Being there, I got 3 squares a day like clock work plus, I was with people who saw me and liked me for who I truly was! For 8 weeks I felt wonderful everyday to live in an atmosphere of freedom yet still contained in safety and security. I was at peace. Fast forward- Im 17 yrs. old- off to college, never to live there again. I was finally free from all the craziness (I thought).

It's only now, a divorced grownup and mother that I realize the profound impact my childhood had on me. In retrospect my NF actually betrayed the whole family never coming home Friday nights, treating my NM like an object, and never caring about my thoughts and ideas. I'm really not into the blame game but I'm sure my lack of trust and self-worth in romantic relationships was severely damaged by them.

No surprise that I am here trying to make sense of my intense emotions after failed friendships and romantic relationships with NPD. It is all I know and feel familiar with. Before this recent break up with EXnarc I took the time to regroup and find my self. Pursue dreams and achieve goals and I thought I was finally impervious to these people. I was wrong. This last break up hit me hard. I know self-care and compassion to love myself will help but really? I love and miss the person my EXnarc pretended to be. I was blind because I needed to feel special so I was lured in by his smooth talking and seduced by his flattery and compliments which clouded my judgement. Talk is cheap as they say and my ego was fighting my intuition. I found out he was having an affair with a married women the whole time by reading their daily flirtatious emails. And they made fun of me in a few emails too - he exploited me which hurt the worst. It was worse than the cheating for me. He didn't want me to end our relationship and became angry instead of remorseful. Love after dishonesty and deception? Sure! why not? look where I come from... So while I was considering the circumstances and severity - understanding (rationalizing) that even good people do dumb things and thought I was willing to forgive and move on. He did somewhat admit to something, though at the moment can't actually recall what it is. I reevaluated the overall strength of our relationship and never felt it to be on solid ground so then, the lack of honesty made it shakier and not doable. Devious deception gave me a totally false version of reality and he wasn't totally committed to regaining my trust by continuing to hide the games with his married "friend." The only way to end the confusion, frustration, and anxiety was to end our relationship with no contact (NC) Did I love him - yep, even with his lack of integrity.. But I am relieved. His unreliability make me uncomfortable and tense. So I decided to reevaluate my definition of love rather than hold onto the previous distorted version. I deserve the best and the best involves assurance that I'm consistently being told the truth and any outside flirtation with emotional involvement is not okay.