Forgetting

I've done the work. I know what he is. I'm over him. No more gut wrenching, horrible pain from the discard. There is no way I would ever have anything to do with him ever again. I've been NC for 5 months. But why can't I just forget him? That's what keeps holding me back from being fully recovered. I can't seem to forget what happened as if I'm still in shock from it all, 6 1/2 months after the d&d...and we only dated 5 months! I feel so silly. I think about it many times during the day.

It's as if I don't want to forget because then it all meant nothing. And it did mean nothing to him but I suppose that is such a hard concept to fully grasp. This man that I once thought was my soulmate is nothing but a stranger.

He did not "win" by the way. He came into my life during a very vulnerable time. I had not even been separated from my husband for a week. Swept me off my feet and you can guess how everything else fell into place. I'm happy to say that this whole experience opened my eyes so much so that I realized that my husband IS a good man and a good dad to our kids. It did not happen over night but in July my H moved back into our house and I signed the paperwork to dismiss my petition for a divorce. We continue to go to counseling and are doing well. I am blessed in so many ways due to this experience. I win, my H wins, and my sweet kiddos win because we are together and building happy memories every day. The N gets to
live his own miserable life built on lies and fantasies.

It's crazy to think that this man that told me he loved me and wanted to marry me and I was just the best thing since sliced bread could so quickly cut off all contact and toss me like I was garbage. I get it because I know he is an N but it's so hard to understand and I just want to forget it and forget him for good. I don't want to think about him for one more second. He has occupied WAY too much of my thoughts and I just want it to go away! But how? I've tried to push the thoughts away but they just keep coming back. And please believe me when I say I want nothing to do with the N. It's just I know that my H deserves 100% of me and I feel so guilty because although it's all negative thoughts I do still think about the N every day.