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Geez Im having a shitty night

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#1 Apr 14 - 5PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Geez Im having a shitty night

Today I have had one of those days where the reality of what has happened to me has come crashing down on me. I really have been struggling since the bomb was dropped on me. While I havent slipped back all the way into the dark whole, I certainly have suffered a set back.

I find myself trying to comprehend that its true that this man who caused so much trauma for me 20 years ago really came back and did it again and tossed me away in a cold cruel and very callous way.

Today Im going over all the usual thoughts of what if he ends up being happy with her. What if it was just me that he didnt love. Cognitively I know all the answers but emotionally its still difficult. I think to myself all these months he could have done it or said it. Why now? Why right then at that moment?

Gosh I really need to get to counseling hopefully Im gonna get there next week.

Apr 15 - 8AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Thanks ya'll. Last night was

Thanks ya'll. Last night was pretty tough especially after watching the Craig list killer movie. You see what they are really capable of. He was a nice kid had everything going for him. He wasnt some dark weirdo with a history of problems. Nope looked like the boy next door and we see now what was lying beneath the surface. What really gets me is that I conceived a child with this man though unborn we have a child together and it think how could I have conceived a child with such a monster. Though I have been heartbroken over the loss of that baby as I never grieved it. I stuffed all of it. Never said another word about it until now. I am however in a way glad that it turned out the way it did. He would have made my life miserable and used our child as a weapon. I know in my heart that is what he would have done. He knew it too. He said sick of it we would have divorced you would have ended up hating me. So you see I am grieveing so many things and the worst part is some of it is over 15 years old. I read online the repressed grief and truma is particularly difficult to deal with. So here we have a man that I have known 20 plus years. Whose child I have been pregnant with. Who told me that he always did and always will love me for the rest of his life, tell me that he was getting married as if I were an acquaintance not even worthy of having his "private" number and then in the same sentence tell me good luck and take care of my family. which we all know was code for your married and I cant come first so f you and now I gonna tortue you like you did me. It really is unfathomable. Last night I had a thought really a memory of the first time I laid eyes on him as a seventeen year boy. I can still see a that boy smiling at me in an innocent way. I can even almost see even what he was wearing. Strange considering I really had no interest in dating him though we had a mutal friend trying to set us up. It wasnt till 5 years later we would have another chance meeting. At that time I had absolutely no idea how that boy would end up impacting my life.
Apr 15 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
exhausted
exhausted's picture

I just read this now. Glad

I just read this now. Glad you are feeling better about things today and seeing things for what they are. The truth is so hard to accept but it is the only thing we can't change. he is who he is and no matter what you do or how you feel he will always be that monster. Keep your head up. We can only hope it gets better from here.
Apr 15 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Thank you. Its just at times

Thank you. Its just at times it seems so surreal. The first time we reconnected in person last year it was surreal for both of us. As I was sitting in his lap in his truck. I looked at him and said Oh my gosh can you believe we are now in our forties and Im right back sitting in your lap just as I did as a 24 year old. He said yeah I think its pretty damn cool and he put my hand on his heart and I could feel it beating fast. I thought to myself OMG he really does still love me. NO NO NO now I realize it was the excitement of him have his prey so close and moving in for the kill
Apr 15 - 1AM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

I go thru the same thoughts

Its awful, I will say to myself, maybe he couldnt stand me and just used me for sex, maybe his GF is REALLY and TRULY much more than I could ever be and that is why he stays with her, and I really am just a whore. I try not to think like that its self destructive, but I remember thinking all I am good for is just men to screw. Which is NOT TRUE but that is how he made me feel. I dont know how long it takes for us to stop these thoughts that come over us, maybe its just part of the healing. You will feel so much better after your counseling, hang in there and try not to think those thoughts, when you start, STOP yourself and dont go there. x0x0x0
Apr 14 - 9PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Hey sweetie. You hang in

Hey sweetie. You hang in there. This cognitive dissonance is a bitch isn't it? I think I've replayed memories 10,000 hours or more to understand everything that happened. Its like your mind just can't stop the what-ifs and it is all consuming. Laying in bed at night, in the morning when you wake up and throughout the day... thinking that this perfect being is gone and what did we do wrong. He contacted you now because he is disturbed and sensed you were slipping away. I hope you can get some counseling help soon. It really does help to talk to a real person and get it all out. OK, I think you and I are just as bad at this....I have a feeling that we have both read dozens of books and thousands of articles to try to make sense of it all..... but it might also help to try to fill your time with other things that won't remind you of him. You have it all figured out now...no more need to research (easy for me to say as I'm trying to get through just ONE LAST book). But it does become all consuming trying to make sense of the senseless. So go out with some girlfriends, have some drinks, play with your child, focus on work... but try to get it out of your mind.. xoxox
Apr 14 - 8PM
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

Cognitive vs emotional.

Cognitive vs emotional. Unfortunately the emotion packs the bigger punch. Hang tough SOI. I wish I had something better to say. xoxo Veronrose
Apr 14 - 7PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

So what am I doing?? Watching

So what am I doing?? Watching the craigslist killer movie. Sobering. The poor girl he was engaged to. What were his motives? Dominance., submission and control. He was a straight A gifted medical student and a psychopath disguised as a nice guy
Apr 14 - 6PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

No No No

He will not be happy with her. She may stay. But she will be miserable. They are never happy. Always dissatisfied. I met the woman who replaced me & the first ex-wife. And I met people who knew the woman who preceded me. He abused all of us. And very much in the same ways. Said the same words. Did the same acts.
Apr 15 - 3AM (Reply to #2)
dudette
dudette's picture

but the evidence

is not yet there... I am like SOI today. Had a night full of dreams of him despite all my best attmpts at healthy distractions.... and I know, I know all the things that you say are true.... I know and I dish it out to other ladies all the time, when I am having a resonable day... But today, I am sick of NC, sick of not seeing what is going on, not knowing whether my replacement is starting to see what he is doing here... I know he is cheating on her, I know he has not changed... I want to be vindicated and it is not coming fast enough....