Getting real - classic narcissist email in which he "takes responsibility"

Before you get into the good stuff: this is an email he wrote as he was telling people I was stalking him (I had told him every day since we broke up that NO WAY was I getting back together with him)...also, check out the "small favor" he asks for toward the bottom. WAnts me to help get him out of a $20/month gym membership he go me while he hid and stole from me, and refused to return over $1000 worth of items I'd bought him during our "fauxlationship." Classic! I'm at the point know where I read these and almost pee my pants from laughing. They are so transparent! Enjoy the steady stream of BS...

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Sweetie, this is the most difficult letter I have ever written and I
want you to know that it comes from my heart with no ill will or
hurtful intentions. The reason the letter is so difficult to write is
because you have asked me not to reach out to you again and I want to
make sure that I say everything that needs to be said since I will
never get the opportunity again. As you requested, this will be my
last email to you unless you change your mind and want me to open up
and tell you the things you needed me to say. I know you don’t need
it now but you deserve to hear it all and see me fully exposed. I
will do this knowing that it will not change anything about us so
there is nothing for me to gain and no hidden motive.
First let me say it again. I know the anniversary of your
Grandmother’s death is a very emotional time for you. I hope you are
ok. I know how much you miss her and how much she means to you. If
you ever want to talk about her I am ALWAYS here for you.

In your last email you said you did not know if I blocked you. I
would never do that to you or anyone for that matter but never to you.
After my junior year of college I was so upset with my family that I
completely shut them out. I was so upset that if Facebook, email and
cell phone were around I would have probably blocked everyone.
Instead I just shut them out for about 18 months but then I realized
how childish and immature all of that was so I changed my behavior.
I’m actually very embarrassed that and the way I reacted which is one
of many reasons I will never block you. When I realized what I was
doing I felt that sort of behavior is so 6th grade and I am sorry if I
suggested that I would do such a thing to you because I never would.
I know you feel the need to block me from FB and txt but I honestly do
not think less of you for doing that. It does feel like you have
knocked me down and the blocking is like kicking and spitting on my as
you walk away. Again, I do not think anything negative about you for
feeling that need. I realize that your mom worked in extremes and
does that sort of thing as a way to show you and others that they are
dead to hear. You are NOT like her in any way but that is how she
taught you to react to things. We both know that sometimes the
protective instinct kicks in and we say or do stuff that we don’t
mean. For me, I say stupid stuff to push people back or I shut down
emotionally. It isn’t what I want to do but sometimes instinct takes
over. Anyway, during that period where I shut people out, no one in
my family knows what I was doing during that time period nor have they
asked. We just don’t talk about it and never have. It is not a bad
thing or something that we are ignoring, we were able to resolve the
issues and move forward. Sharks baby, there is nothing to be gained
from continuing to bring up past after issues have been resolved. You
have made me see that more than anyone. We cannot live in the past
(regardless of whether we do live it separately or together), we need
to live in the present with our sights on the future. I am happy to
tell you more about that period of time or anything else in my life
that you want to know. Again, I know that will not change your
opinion of me or us but I owe you that and so much more.
I know you truly believe that I am a narcissist and I have no idea how
you came to that conclusion. No one else sees that but you so it
makes me wonder why you see it. The fact that you were not aware of
the reading program or the student mentoring speaks volumes. If I
took the kind of pleasure you suggested that I did then you would have
heard about them before now, if I was really a narcissist. Since you
did not know about them it shows that I do not that take that sort of
pleasure out of them or I would have been talking about them all the
time. I do a lot of charity / volunteer work but I never brag about
it because it is just me doing what I think is the right thing to do.
No one has ever called me a narcissist in any of my relationship
regardless of the type (friendship, romantic, family or work) and
people describe me as extremely nice and helpful. From our
conversations I know you have difficulty seeing the same in me. So,
either your filter is clouding your views or I don’t give you what you
need because I never loved you and we both know that I love you very
deeply so it must be the filter. It is and always will be very
important how you see and think of me. I realize that I have caused
you to permanently see me as an ass and a liar and I’m sad…sad for you
and us because you originally saw me as someone wonderful and I let
you down.

I’m not saying this to be mean or hurtful but you need more attention
than a lot of people. I know you do not think that you do but it is
true and that is ok. I want to give you 100% of my focus every
minute of the day but I cannot always do that. You know that at work
I’m conducting Live Meetings 4-5 hours a day for several days a week
so I’m not on IM but that doesn’t slow you down in sending me txt
messages that I need to respond to. You get so upset with me if I do
not respond immediately or am not able to spend the time to thoroughly
read your notes with the focus they deserve. Lately you accuse me of
going silent and walking away if I don’t respond within seconds.
Sometimes I just cannot respond or did not know I had a message from
you but that does not matter. If I do not respond immediately you get
angry and accuse me of not being there for you. Other times I am in
the middle of leading a Live Meeting with 40 people on the phone and
10 in the room and I still try to respond to you because you are the
most important person and our relationship is the most important thing
to me.

I am NOT blaming you for anything nor am I calling you needy or
anything like that. I believe with every fiber of my being that you
have amazing strength and determination. You have been through some
extremely difficult emotional situations and you have come out on top.
I cannot say this enough but all of this is a statement to your
strength. The story that you told me about your school year where
the entire school was against you is the sort of thing that has caused
many kids to end their lives or shoot up the entire school. Not only
did you have to deal with that but you were also dealing with your
Mom. She alone is more than most adults can handle and you did it as
a child. I know the divorces were difficult and the one from Gary was
even more difficult, not only because a marriage is ending but Molly
is involved and I know you feel pain that she does not have her mom
and dad living in the same house. I am happy that you two have a good
relationship now but as you said it was not always good. He accused
you of being meaner and crazier than your mother and I know it hurt
you when Jeanine told you that the relationship was toxic. You never
went into much detail on that but your reaction felt like she was
saying that it was you that caused the issues but I could have
completely misunderstood and incorrectly connected that comment with
the one where she took Gary’s side over yours. If I did, I’m sorry I
wasn’t trying to say anything other than you have been through more
crap in your life than most people live through in 10 lifetimes.
Unfortunately, some of it you are / were going very recently. My
point is that all of this is a testament to your strength and if you
need a little extra whatever right now, it is understandable.

Again, I believe that the above is a testament to your strength but
right now, you need a guy that either works from home with a simple
job or is rich and doesn’t need to work so they can focus on you all
time. Your job doesn’t help as you are home alone with little human
interaction during the day so you fill that need through IMs, emails
and txts. I know you can IM at any point without worrying about
people seeing what is going on but I sit in a bull pen with several
people being able to watch my computer screen at all times so I have
to be smooth when I reply back to you. I truly truly wish that I
could devote every second of the day to communicating with you but I
cannot. I love seeing emails / txts / IMs from you, even when you are
mad at me. You are my favorite person and I never want to not
communicate with you.

If the IM relationship was not enough to do us in, unfortunately, we
both ran into very difficult times in our lives and we did it at the
same time. While I was focused on you most of the time you needed
more. Again, I’m not saying this as a bad thing. I do wish you knew
that I would do anything to be able to give you everything you need.
I was in a bad work situation and fearful for my job and dealing with
my own stresses and issues. You were dealing with your Mom which I
know is an extremely difficult situation and you were also dealing
with Gary and fighting over Molly time, dealing with the divorce and
feeling that you were all alone in this relationship and abandoned. It
was all too much for anyone to deal with, even you. I know you
disagree but I was standing beside you the entire time. You just
could not see me because there was too much going on around us.
Whatever you choose to believe or not believe about me, all I can say
is that I truly love you and respect you so much. More than you
realize…When I called you Stephanie Dishner that night I meant that
with every fiber of my being. You have said many times that you
believe that I have abandonment issues. I really don’t because I know
my family is always there for me no matter what. Regardless of
anything they are there to support and love me – always. I know I
have issues but there really are no abandonment issues and I believe
that you are projecting stuff that you saw in other on me. We talked
about me living in a bubble and for the most part I found it funny but
I know you believe there is a lot of truth in that. Maybe I do live
in a bubble at times but I do have a happy life. With CB gone, I am
enjoying my job and I have hit my stride and am taking charge of
things. His being gone is a problem in that I now have a lot more
work piled on me but I’ m having fun with it. Granted, the 66 hour
work week was tough but it was challenge to me to see if I could get
everything done and I did. It is interesting that you mentioned that
I should be a photographer. Right out of college that was my plan, to
be a wild life photographer in Africa for a couple of years. Of
course you know that story so you know why that did not happen but it
worked out for the best because I have the job I have wanted since my
junior year in high school.

I know you believe that everything in my life is about me but it
really is not true. There are times that I need things to be about me
as everyone does but the vast majority of the time I do not want that.
When we fight you tell me that my responses are proof because my
comments are about how I feel and I am sorry for that but as you know
it is human nature to defend yourself when feeling attacked by the one
person in your life that you truly care what they think of you. That
does not mean that I was not concerned with what you were thinking or
feeling you just had me on the ropes and I felt the need to defend
myself from statements that were not accurate. I do believe that if
we had a better way of communicating that you would see that I do not
want things to be about me.
You have done a lot for me and I am deeply appreciative but you did
not need to do all of that stuff. I never thought of it as being more
than you just trying to help out but since you kept mentioning it when
we fought it began to feel like you were doing those things so that I
would love you more. The problem is that I cannot love you more. I
love so much, so much more than you will ever realize. You did make
my life so much easier by helping me out with the little things and I
deeply appreciate everything that you did. I am sorry if I hurt you
with the earning my love statement. This could very easily be my
issue of not feeling comfortable with the feeling of people waiting on
me. I do understand most of my issues but that is one I have not
figure out just yet.

I do wish you would do one more thing for me. You signed a contract
with Gold’s gym and it is connected to my checking account. I cannot
ask them to cancel your contract which they will do because you do not
live in town. I only have two options, I can pay the membership for
the next two years or I can open a new checking account and close that
one so they cannot collect money from me. Neither one are good
options but something needs to be done. I know you want nothing to do
with me but I would appreciate your help.
Neither one of us enjoyed all the fighting but it has really opened my
eyes to a couple of things. First, how important it is that people
not only communicate but do so in a way that does not make the other
person feel attacked or that they do not matter. Both of us are
guilty here. We were not able to do that for whatever reason. I do
not understand why we could not figure that one out since we are very
intelligent and should have been able to have simple conversations
about our feelings. The fights also made me realize how differently
two people can see the same event / situation. I deal with change
management every day but I have never experienced the dynamically
polar ways we saw a few things. Neither of us was in the wrong for
doing so, it had to do with our previous experience I guess. I do
know that I am curious and researching this phenomena to help me do a
better job of being able to see things from the other people’s
perspective when our views are so different. At work I’ve always been
great at seeing how things (including me) affect and impact others.
For some reason I just could not do that with you. It isn’t about
seeing you only as how you affect me as you suggested but instead I
think it is more about just not being able to understand / imagine the
things that you went through during your formative years. That isn’t
your fault or issue but my short coming in being able to understand
your experiences. Logically, I know everything you told but it might
as well have been a movie because I cannot imagine the horror and
terror you experienced with your mother. The doc was telling me how
she refuses to take borderline patients, she said one fooled her and
got through and it was not fun. When the pros do not want to deal
with them I know it has to be a nightmare for a kid. My one
experience with her was very tame but emotionally exhausting in trying
to make sure that nothing was done to set her off. I have no idea how
you were able to survive. It is a testament to your strength, heart
and determination. I truly hope for yours and Molly’s sake that she
does not try to force herself back into your lives. I do believe that
the best thing for both of you (and Gary) is to get as far away from
Williamsburg as possible. The thought of her hurting you and Molly
makes my heart hurt, to the point I think it will stop beating.

You have made it clear that you believe that I am not capable of
empathizing with you or anyone but that really is not the case. Right
now my heart is broken and full of sadness but not because of why you
think. These feelings are because of what happened to us and what I
did to get us here. For what Molly and Audrey had to go through with
the ups and downs but most of all for you feeling that you were alone
and unloved in this relationship.
You have said many times that you know me and my motives but there are
a lot of times when you are so far off it feels like you are talking
about someone else. The comment last night about me wanting to make
you think I had a date is one of many examples. I told you on
Thursday and Friday that I was going to the show alone. I even
replied to your email during intermission. If I was on a date, I
would not have been able to do that. I did want to respond in more
detail but did not want to wait until I got home because you said that
nature had taken her course. I had to reply to see how you were
feeling. I know this is an emotional situation for both of us but
many times more difficult for you as the mom. I would never try to
convince you I was on a date and I really do not understand what would
be gained from that. I do realize that I am to blame for a lot of
your misunderstanding of my motives and feelings. I make stupid
comments all the time saying I think this or I think that but I never
really do believe those things. I have been making those stupid
comments for so long that they have become something I do not even
notice that I’m saying. I started doing that many many years ago as a
defense mechanism to keep people from being able to figure me out.
The problem we ran into is that you would focus on those comments like
they were gospel. Its not your fault, those comments came out of my
mouth. I guess I just hoped you would know what was real and what was
not. It wasn’t fair that I got upset with you because you based your
views of what I thought based on stuff I said. I really wasn’t saying
these things to keep you at a distance. Like I said, they just became
a natural thing after 20 some years.
Saturday night I missed you so much and wanted you to be there with
me. I wanted to share that experience with you and only you. Sitting
there looking at the empty chair I knew that no matter what it is you
need from me that I had to give it to you. Your response about a date
and how I was trying to play mind games with you made me think that
maybe we are doing the right thing, maybe too much damage has been
done but I truly hoped we could get through all of this. Ironically,
every time, my guilt and regret become so strong that I feel like I
will explode you say something like the date comment and it just…well,
you know we get into a situation where we are always trying to prove
who we are. I know I do the same thing to you but we have talked
about that so many times that it doesn’t need to be mentioned here.
Just remember that when I’m feeling stressed or a lone, I close my
eyes so I can be with you. If one day you wake up and miss me in your
soul, my love and our cosmic connection will show us the way.
The last week has made me see that I cannot continue moving through
life the way I have up to this point. There is no way that this path
will ever cross another cosmic connection like it did with you. That
connection is addictive and I need and want it. I need it more than I
ever thought I could. The only way that I am going to be able to make
such a connection will work is if I show the other person who I really
am and forget about showing them who I am not.

No matter what happens to us as we go through the rest of our lives we
will always be unfinished because we never achieved together what we
were suppose to achieve. I do not know exactly what you are feeling
right now but I can imagine what you are going through and it makes me
sad. For me, I feel like I lost my whole life and my best friend. I
have always kept my feelings tucked away, never really showing them to
anyone. Maybe that is the way it should be for me but you made me see
how things could be different. You can call me whatever you want, and
you have said that we are over but I still love you the same. You can
call me your true love or you can tell me that I am a heartless ass
but at this point I know you need to tell me it is over. I do not
want you to hurt and I do not want to cause you pain so all I can say
is that I’ll be on my way. I finally put it all together and my eyes
are open wide. Now I have to make a choice that is not mine. For you,
I have to say goodbye for the last time.

I truly love and miss you and I always will. I would love to be able
to get through everything and come out stronger and closer on the
other end but only you know if that is something worth doing for you.

Love you always,