Getting Revenge?

Many people want to know the best way to get revenge on someone who has hurt them, especially someone they believe to be narcissistic, who seems to have no regret or remorse, who doesn’t care that they have caused pain and who offers no apologies nor tries to make amends. This sort of person inflicts a double blow - the pain of the injury or betrayal itself and the pain of being discounted as unimportant and having our suffering go unrecognised and unacknowledged.

Most of us have a highly developed sense of justice (at least when it comes to ourselves). When someone does us down we want them punished, we want them to feel the same (or worse) pain that they inflicted on us. The desire for revenge is a natural human response. So for what it’s worth, here are my thoughts on revenge:

* If the person who hurt us truly is a narcissist then any act of revenge on our part will bring out their really nasty side and probably unleash a whirlwind. A full-blown narcissist will be outraged at any attack on themselves and is likely to retaliate in extreme or even violent ways.

* Even while enraged that you dare make a move against them the narcissist will also be thrilled at the evidence of their power over you, the fact that you are still thinking about them, that you are so obviously hurting, that they can have such an impact on your life.

* Narcissists crave attention. They love it when people think about them and talk about them (even in a negative and derogatory way). To them any attention is good; any impact they have on others (even for the worse) is evidence of their superiority. The best revenge on a narcissist is to give them no evidence or proof of their power over you or their impact on your life. The best revenge on a narcissist is to act as if you don’t care, as though they are totally irrelevant to you. The very worst thing for a narcissist is to be ignored.

* Of course, not all people who hurt us are narcissists. There are many good people who sometimes do foolish, thoughtless, or even callus things.

* No matter how we have been hurt we are not alone. Every single one of the 6.5 billion people on earth are being, and will continue to be, hurt by others, often by those they love, often by those who are supposed to love and protect them. It seems to be human nature and an unfortunate fact of life that human beings hurt each other. People can be cruel, inconsiderate, incompetent and selfish. Perhaps accepting that can help us endure it.

* It’s possible that the person who hurt us may not be aware of the extent of our pain. We all tend to be self-focused and often have no idea of the impact of our actions on others. Sometimes explaining or complaining is all it takes to make someone see the error of their ways. And sometimes not.

* Acts of revenge usually provoke counter attacks and the escalation of tit-for-tat reprisals. We all tend to minimize and justify the hurt we inflict and inflate the hurt inflicted on us. History is littered with out of control and ludicrous blood feuds and vendettas that often lasted generations. Almost every race and culture has examples of this type of revenge gone mad.

* Concentrating on our pain and desire to inflict the same on the perpetrator keeps us locked in a negative and destructive thought pattern that can contaminate our whole lives. Many people become so obsessed that their logic and reasoning are impaired and any prospect of happiness destroyed. Letting go is usually a healthier option.

* Often, what we need is not revenge but closure. We need to feel that we have done what is necessary to protect and stand up for ourself so that we don’t feel like a helpless victim. If the damage done was criminal (abuse, violence, theft) for instance, we need to report it to the authorities. If it was not criminal but unethical we might write a letter of protest, confront the person, remove them from our lives or do whatever constructively gives us back our sense of power.

* Instead of focusing on revenge it is more constructive to consider what we can learn from our pain. We can see it as a gaining of experience and a life lesson. It can teach us to avoid certain types of people, to recognize the type of person who is not good for us. Or have we discovered something in ourselves that is detrimental? Are we too trusting perhaps, or too gullible, romantic, idealistic, unassertive?

* To be angry with the person who hurt us is natural but there are healthier ways to release it than acts of revenge. I have to admit to some fairly violent fantasies of revenge. And anger to the point that I thought I would explode. So I wrote it all out, pages and pages of fury and hurt. And then I had a bonfire and burnt the writing and all the mementos of the person concerned. It felt very cleansing.

* Forgiveness often sounds like weakness but to forgive is to release and detach from the intense emotions that result for our hurt.

* Plotting or engaging in acts of revenge can damage our self-image and self-esteem. We like to see ourselves as good people, sensible, trustworthy, decent. If we deliberately hurt someone then we have to change our definition of ourselves. We now become someone who is vindictive, out of control, malicious, destructive, or even a bit crazy. You are a good person, don’t lower yourself to the level of the one who inflicted the hurt.

* Every cloud can have a silver lining. My friend Dan was bullied mercilessly at school. Small, “foreign” and slightly effeminate looking he had no chance with the bullyboys. His revenge was to live well. He is now hugely successful, very wealthy, and at peace with who he is. At a recent school reunion he was able to gloat. Most of those who bullied him sucked up to him shamelessly and Dan, still small and slight but impeccably designer dressed didn’t need or want to put them down. They had always been “down” and he had always been “up”. Often “I’ll show them” (how wonderful I am) is the best response.

* Sometimes the people who hurt us simply can’t help themselves. For example an alcoholic or drug addict will invariably hurt others. They have no other option. So will people with personality disorders. And if someone simply stops loving us we can hardly blame them for it. Don’t’ get revenge, just get such people out of your life.

* Few people deliberately set out to hurt us. What they do to us is usually more about them than about us so perhaps we shouldn’t take it so personally.

* Find constructive forms of “revenge” that can give meaning to your suffering. One young woman I know who was raped became obsessed with getting revenge on her rapist after he was acquitted of the crime. She admits that she became a bit mad with the obsession, following him and planning how she could ruin his life. She was finally charged with stalking him. She wasn’t so much ruining his life as ruining her own. These days she is a volunteer working with rape victims and feels much more positive, purposeful and sane.

* When we remain focussed on the perpetrator we give them control over our lives. We are under their power even if we never set eyes on them again. Instead of focusing on what they did to us and how to punish them, we need to focus on ourselves, what is best for us, and how to live the best life possible for US.

* Eventually everyone suffers. An ancient philosophy that was especially influential in medieval times was the concept of the Wheel of Life or the Wheel of Fortune. The goddess of Fate, Fortuna was believed to spin the wheel at random so that some people suffered and others received windfalls. One minute a person could be favoured by fortune and the next be struck down into misery and misfortune. Whether we believe in The Wheel of Fortune or not it seems obvious that sometimes each of us is “up”, happy and prosperous but eventually we will be “down”, miserable and suffering. Call it fate, luck, Karma, God or whatever, but I do believe that eventually people get their comeuppance. So we don’t need to dirty our hands on revenge. The universe will do it for us.

* It often helps to look at the “big picture”, to put our own misery in perspective. How important is our injury compared to those starving in the Third World, the homeless, the disabled, the seriously ill?

* A desire for revenge often stems from a blow to our ego. When we are “dishonoured” our self-esteem plummets. Our natural narcissism makes us want to punish the person who decreases our sense of self-worth. This is an understandable response but usually not constructive or healthy.

* If you believe in the Law of Attraction (we attract to us the things we regularly think about and focus on) then nay thoughts about or acts of revenge and vindictiveness are likely to attract bad vibes, negativity and misfortune to ourselves. There is enough bad stuff in the world without us adding to it.

* Take the high ground - be a hero to yourself and rise above anger and vindictiveness. Be someone you can admire and be proud of.

* If you get revenge you may have to take the consequences. Criminal prosecution is a possibility if you break the law and the laws of slander and libel make even spreading rumours a potentially risky act.

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The best way of avenging yourself is not to become like the wrongdoer.
- Marcus Aurelius.

Revenge is a confession of pain.
- Latin proverb.