going crazy! Need support

Hang in there. It will get better. For now you're doing the most important job in the world-taking care of your kids. Alot of people don't realize how hard that is to do when you have a broken heart. Through my divorce my kids inspired me to take care of myself and advocate for myself, because in doing so I was doing my job to take care of them. A far as drinks with the ow-he knew you would see that transaction. He could have gotten cash. He doesn't care about your broken heart. He's a jerk! Wishing you the greatest good.

I don't understand. Who declared that the bank account can't change. And if they can do that, couldn't they have made provision that both of you get an "agreed" amount for an least essentials? Also, is there any way that you can make him solely responsible for any debts on it? Not sure how things work in the USA - but I would seriously look into these options. Can't you withdraw money, say a set amount each month, for you and the children's needs as soon as his pay check goes in so at least that way you get your share before he spends it all? And then you don't have to even know or think about what he's spending, doing whatever. You have your share. No more sacrifices - you have to have documentary evidence for the courts of what's been spent so no scrimping on your part. Have a professional haircut/manicures etc. etc. Better to be spent like that than on taxis and dinners for the OW before it disappears each month. State, it is never easy but you have to take one thing at a time. Sort out your finances first (for the sake of you and the children) running alongside your counselling and then tackle all the other stuff. You are overloading your mind trying to sort it all out at once. If it all becomes too overwhelming then you might want to consider see your GP for some help in coping. NC is never easy when you have children so, try to keep it as minimal as possible for your own sake at this stage. The more you know, the more you will spin. Dee x

What words of encouragement are you looking for?? You say your independent so kick this up a notch .. He will destroy you at very turn.. We are try to guide you.. However you are making excuses.. He has given you no options NONE.. So for your safety and your kids .. Action is necessary.. Enabling doesn't happen here.. I know you are strong so get to it.. You feeding the wrong dog.. Hunter

This is the year 2011. Judges have far more respect for women who work. It makes it look like you are making an effort here to contribute and move on. Even if it is a part time job at this point and of course your lawyer can lay that on thick about how he was so cruel to you about spending money that you were forced to seek employment. Makes him look like a cad. I can't recall whether or not you have small children with this man,which of course would be a reason or excuse for why you are not working. If you don't you are screwed. You are playing right into his hand. He can easily say that you are trying to soak him dry and the judge may rule favorably for him. Also, if you don't spend any of the money, hello, it's going to look like you don't need his money. This is all about what show's on paper and if his expenditures far exceed yours, there you go. He gets more. Judges DON'T have to cut everything if half if they don't like the looks of a particular case. They can do as they please and often do. I am sure you can find some bills or needs that would look perfectly acceptable to the courts. THEN, you can show that YOU spent the money on necessities and he pisses it away on bullshit. Dont' forget, he IS allowed "reasonable" recreational spending. This is considered normal and most likely he will chock that all up to business expenses anyway and if you make a huge stink over it, you will look ridiculous. My impression is that at this point you are so hell bent on playing games with him and obsessing about OW that you are missing the big picture here, the real deal. The big picture is that while you are concerning yourself with little details like bar bills and taxi's, he is going to walk away with the big prize right under your nose. This is your future you are playing with here and I am not sure who is advising you on these matters, is it a lawyer? Or just family and friends. Doesn't sound like sound, logic thinking to me. You asked, so don't shoot the messengers here. Sounds to me like you are making a shambles out of your case with petty thinking here. Take a deep breath, and let go of the small stuff and keep your eye's and mind focused on securing a financially solid future for yourself. God bless, Goldie

Ok you've come on here for advice and still you are being played by this guy.. Unless you live in another country.. This bank VP knows you can not remove a person from a joint account.. The account must be closed.. So you my friend by contacting him gave him the heads up and now you are going to be scrounging for cash.. You won't get a job because you won't get more money from him.. Really .. . You are hanging onto a hopeless situation.. You are allowing this game... You are in the eye of the storm.. You better plan an exit route.. Because he's not going to guide you. Put those big girl panties on... Hunter

It will be a hell-froze-over kind of miracle if your narc agrees on everything. Been there, done that. ExN#1 drug out mediation for 18+ months.

He's stealing by spending money in a reckless fashion.. Instead of getting angry at him by texting you need to report this activity to the attorneys involved.. You are saying he can spend money on anything his heart desires alcohol, taxi's and you can't take money out to open your own account?? Honey does this make sense?? It doesn't to me .. I have to say I'm not a dumb woman.. But I'm confused.. Hunter

It sounds like a rule is in force that you cannot separate the money so that one person can't steal from it. Drinking it away in a bar is theft. He is stealing money from your family and kids to get drunk under your nose. Take all of the money and open an account in your name. Tell him nothing except through mediation. He will lie to you and manipulate you. Words and logic are wasted on him. His actions speak so loudly you don't need to hear his words! We all have been at the beginning, in the desperation phase. It is hard and it is lonely. It is survivable, as we have all survived our own personal hell. That is the beauty of this site. We go crazy on different days. This moment it is your turn. Do something positive for you and your kids. Pretend he is dead. Would you talk to a dead narc? OK, don't answer that, lol! He lives in the nut house, you are just visiting. ds

And you’re divorcing. He can troll around w/skanks if he wishes. I wouldn’t show him you’re jealous…work on NC. That will be your ticket to sanity. He doesn’t care about you. Which is why you’re leaving him. Don’t expect him to be chivalrous through a divorce, if he wasn’t while married. I’m praying for you. Stay strong. Be tough!

you can do anything you want. get your own account, and put money in it. maybe however much he spent this weekend would be a start. ;) if you work...i'd deposit my checks into the new account. and get your name off the old account. you don't have to keep a joint account.

The ONLY reason he hasn't cleaned the account out yet is because he is flaunting what he is doing, knowing that you can see WHAT those purchases are being spent on. Okay, so beat him at his own game...swipe every dime out of there...that way, you protect and provide for yourself while completely denying him any means by which to conduct emotional waterboarding on you via a checking account. If you don't do this, then you are no longer a victim in this situation....you're a volunteer.