Goodbye F

I actually did send this several days ago. That's why it doesn't include the anger. Reading it now it appears to be an appeal to him understanding my leaving, which I know now is impossible.

F, I am sorry and sad you are going thru this. It is a VERY painful time for me as well, but it is what we have to do. I don't want to argue with you or re-hash anything bc I know that will only lead to further hurt. Regardless of how you think you treat me or how you think I treat you (good or bad), our relationship, as beneficial as it's been to you, has only caused me more pain than I ever had in the 20 years of the marriage I left. I realize now you think it is ok to say things like "ur a dumbass, ur an idiot, ur a bitch...and then proceed to blame me for whatever the situation is at hand, and then resent me for either helping you or not helping you - I can't win. As long as I am doing for you what you want at the moment and never asking any questions or voicing my own fears and doubts, or failing to live up to your expectations, life is great (for you). But I can't live like that. Regardless of if you have or haven't been sleeping with (OW1) or anyone else in the past year and a half, I believe you have. It is the way you conduct your life combined with my own trauma that cannot take any more deception or withholding as you call it. Honestly, I should have left you alone when you told me in the beginning you spent the night with (OW2), but I guess I was confused by ur apparent honesty. You always have stories, justifications, but many times they seem implausible, contradictory, and there are too many of them. I would respect you more if you had told me the truth(s), whatever it was/is than making up some incident I know did not happen. And in the background, there is always the bottom-line threat that (OW1) doesn't really KNOW you have committed (if you can call it that) to someone else and if she were to find out, she would take your kids from you, which I know you believe to be true, but that in reality could never happen, not for long anyway.

Regardless, it is how you choose to do your life and I nor anyone else really have no say in it, but I do have a say in the vision of what I want for my life and the life of my kids, and I don't think we were ever on the same path as amazing as our time together sometimes was - there is just too much drama, conflict, and battling each other over finances that has brought me down to where I cannot even function some days. God must have something better in store for both of us, but I'm solo for a long, long time by my own choice. When/if that person shows up, with kids, who has no problem with me meeting them and his kids' mom, and if I ever have a fear or doubt about that or anything else, it's handled with love and concern for my own feelings, not berated and punished and told I have "attitude" so I won't dare to bring it up again, that's how I will know it's real love. Maybe it will never happen, but I'd rather be alone than go through it again. I do know true love puts the OTHER person's happiness first. I did that for you, but sacrificed my own.

Additionally, although I will never regret whatever I did for you, I don't think it really helped you that much. In fact, I think it held you back. You should be doing your own school work, running your own business, paying your own bills, so you KNOW that you can (I have no doubt you can, but as long as someone else is doing it, that's kinda how it has always been, and regretfully how it may always be if you don't do these things). You are a smart, strong, resourceful MAN. I will always love you, pray for you, wish the best for you, and applaud your every success, but I can't do it for you, and apparently not with you, either.

You seem to live in a fantasy world where someday, somehow, someway, it's all gonna be good. But it won't be - if you run toll tags, skip class, tell other people what they want to hear, charge people up if they have some negative vibe, and continue to pass up opportunities to further your goals just because they aren't worth your time, or you don't like people, or you are too good for them, or you're in a bad mood, or your hair isn't right - you are just creating shyt for yourself down the line and potentially shyt for whoever you are doing life with. The world isn't a perfect place. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to in order to get the things we do want later - and that's what I am doing now. Focusing on the things I know will get me to be better, where I want to be, and having to let other things go that I hate to, but I've given our relationship my best shot and it isn't beneficial to ME anymore, it is only continually traumatizing at this point - and I don't expect you to change, even though you say I don't appreciate how much you already have changed, I've just given up hope after viewing that toll tag receipt. It was confirmation to me that I need to move on. I have to move past the pain and anger and back to the person I was. You changed me - but it was not in a good way.