Goodbye Fake Leprechaun

This is the final time you will EVER hear from me, with the exception of any communication from my lawyer related to the money you owe me. I considered carefully for some days whether to write at all but you NEED perspective. Your childish emails and texts – yes you’re STILL harassing me! - have just proved what my subconscious knew all along, that are simply incapable of feeling one smidgen of empathy for others or remorse for the part you play in any given situation. Quite the insuperable, undemonstrative politician you aspire to be.

I did do you wrong, but there were 2 people involved and I am incredulous that you really believe you played no part at all in this sorry situation. But I can actually accept what I did and I (unlike you) am capable of feeling remorse.

And so I would like to apologise to you. For everything.

I’m sorry I got involved with you when I wasn’t ready.
I’m sorry I rushed into things.
I’m sorry I didn’t ask more questions early on.
I’m sorry I ignored the early warning signs.
I’m sorry I ever gave you any advice about your divorce.
I’m sorry I felt it was ok to interfere.
I’m sorry that because of that interference I chose to lend you money.
I’m sorry I resented you so much for your inability to resolve your financial matters quickly enough.
I’m sorry I was bothered by your rages against and battles with your wife.
I’m sorry I didn’t walk away the first time I heard the way you spoke to your wife on the phone.
I’m sorry I read texts between you and your wife to try and work out the truth.
I’m sorry I then took your side at the expense of your wife’s position.
I’m sorry I made your battles mine.
I’m sorry that when I got to know your kids I started to care.
I’m sorry I had ‘no real problems’.
I’m sorry I felt like you had sucked the life out of me and I was drowning and you were holding me under.
I’m sorry this meant I gave up on me.
I’m sorry I finally realised what was happening to me, went away and had a great time on holiday alone and didn’t just end it as soon as I came back.
I’m sorry I didn’t choose to walk away before it came to this.

I’m sorry I didn’t close your inbox when I saw the dating website emails.
I’m sorry I then tracked my suspicions for 5 days instead of just telling you to go.
I’m sorry I ironed your shirt that night and saved you food.
I’m sorry that I was angry that you had left me yet again that night and hadn’t told you how upset I really was.
I’m sorry I blanked you when you came home at 3am smelling of beer and perfume.
I’m sorry I turned the light on in the bedroom at 6am, woke you up in a desperate attempt to make you talk and get to some resolution.

I’m sorry I lunged at you and then bit your hand when you shoved me away. There was and is no excuse.

I’m sorry I made your hand bleed.
I’m sorry I then calmly went to the bathroom to get a dressing and to try to help you.
I’m sorry that I was afraid of you after you attacked me back.
I’m sorry I kept asking the police if you were ok.
I’m sorry I had to get my parents involved.
I’m sorry I contacted your mother and she replied that she would ‘do whatever it takes to help him. Your first-born child is always special’ but then that she was on holiday with her boyfriend and too busy to really give a damn.

I’m sorry I chose to believe in you.
I’m sorry I cooked and cleaned for you.
I’m sorry my efforts to help you were for nothing.
I’m sorry I ever cared.
I’m sorry that the man I first met probably never really existed.

But I am also sorry you didn’t clean up your life before getting involved with me.
I’m sorry you didn’t think through the real impact of leaving your wife and children.
I’m sorry you felt the need to involve me in every single detail of your divorce.
I’m sorry you chose to blame me when taking my advice didn’t work out.
I’m sorry you were not able to handle your wife swiftly and civilly a long time ago.
I’m sorry you got yourself $120,000 in debt and chose not share the true extent of it before you had sucked me in and fooled me that you were something you will never be.
I’m sorry you felt it was ok to borrow money from me without any realistic plan for repaying it.
I’m sorry you shared your grandiose and unrealistic dreams with me and gave me false hope.
I’m sorry that you thought it was OK to leave me frantic with worry one night after telling me you would be home in half an hour and not showing up until 4 ½ hours later.
I’m sorry you thought asking me 2 questions about my day was ok, before we talked for hours about you.
I’m sorry you had absolutely no empathy for how I felt and the impact your life was having on me.
I’m sorry you chose to stay with me since Christmas purely as you had nowhere else to go.
I’m sorry you treated me like some sort of free babysitter for your kids over New Years while you went off to the gym.
I’m sorry you took away even your unrealistic dreams, told me there could be no future but then still acted like a ball and chain when I tried to get on with my own life.
I’m sorry you chose to stay with me during the final week even when I’d already asked you to leave.
I’m sorry you felt it was ok to use my flat as a doss house.
I’m sorry you felt I snooped into your mail, email, your life in general when in reality I was away for days, sometimes even weeks at a time and this statement simply helped justify your lies.
I’m sorry that in the end you had no interest in my life, and that it was all faked for your own benefit.
I’m sorry you were such a leach and turned me into a shadow of myself.

I’m sorry you reacted to my questions about the dating sites use like someone who was defensive and had something to hide.
I’m sorry you felt you owed me nothing.
I’m sorry you don’t give a fuck about me (your choice words not mine).
I’m sorry that you chose to push me away and not walk away when I went for you and then bit your hand.
I’m sorry that you couldn’t then calm down.
I’m sorry that you used the iron to leave an imprint on my head.
I’m sorry you used your fists to hit me round the head and arms and push me to the floor.
I’m sorry you broke the little finger on my left hand.
I’m sorry you continued even after I’d pleaded with you on my knees to stop.
I’m sorry that you picked up my $1,500 laptop and smashed it on the floor saying ‘you care about this more than me’.
I’m sorry that you demanded I leave my own home, bought and paid for by me.
I’m sorry you decided to call the police and have ME arrested leading to the police having to arrest you too.
I’m sorry you now choose not to remember any of this.
I’m sorry that you cared so little that you NEVER ONCE asked the police, my dad, ANYONE how I was.
I’m sorry you see what happened to my property as ‘consequential damage’.
I’m sorry you see what happened to me as my own fault and you ‘don’t give a damn how she picked up some apparent injuries’
I’m sorry your actions mean I still have bruises and scabs and my head still hurts 3 weeks on.
I’m sorry that you’ll never accept any fault or responsibility when it comes to your dysfunctional relationships.
I’m sorry you won’t ever be truly content.

A lot has happened in the past 3 weeks and I have moved on (literally as well as metaphorically) and you and your derailing life are fast becoming a distant memory. So many good things have happened now that you’re gone. My overriding emotion is just huge relief and I feel better and I’ve achieved more than I have done for ages. It’s like the sunshine has come out on me after being under a dark, oppressive cloud.

You didn’t deserve what happened and it happened as a direct result of me not being firm with you about a whole plethora of things and just letting the pity, anger and resentment build up towards you, like a huge petrol fuelled runaway train waiting for the inevitable spark to ignite it. And I need to live with that, learn from it and make sure it never ever happens again. But I didn’t deserve your callous use of me for the past 4 months, your downright pathological lying about dating websites and who knows what else or your violent response to mine either. And I’m the one who now needs to live with the scars on my face and the total lack of any remorse or apology whatsoever from you.

You have nothing to say that could possibly interest me now. You had a chance to say you were sorry for the part you played and you chose to focus on things that don’t matter anymore. A proper acknowledgement of your actions was all I wanted and you couldn’t even get that right. I will never ever EVER forgive you for that. Your problem is that you’re incapable of dealing with situations before they escalate, which is why so much conflict follows you around both at work and in your private life. You’ll end up in this kind of situation again, I’m sure of it. But maybe next time you’ll realise that when you point the finger of blame, 3 more fingers are pointing right back at you. I pity your next target like I now pity your wife and your children.

I could say ‘I hope you're ok and can get on with your plans’ (another nice insincere touch from you) but I really don’t care anymore. You have other people to do that for you now and I have far more worthwhile causes to worry about. I may be many things but unlike you I’m not a fake. Just pay me back my money!! That’s the only interest I now have as far as it comes to you, you’re just some faceless person who owes me money. And once that’s done, you go off and die a slow and painful death so that you can’t hurt anyone else ever EVER again.

Goodbye Fake Leprechaun and Good Riddance.