Goodbye, I'm done

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#1 Sep 17 - 2AM
trouble
trouble's picture

Goodbye, I'm done

Dear J,

I wanted to write to you to say goodbye. You will never read this letter, but I need to write it. I'm in your town right now on a business trip. We were supposed to meet up, made plans months ago. But we are not in contact now. You gave me the silent treatment which led to my no contact. It was a relief when you left my life.

You stormed into my life like a bull in a china shop. You knocked me off my feet. I've never experienced anything like it. I had so many doubts and worries, you swatted them all away. I remember saying, you're so intense, you're so aggressive! You would counter, it's passion, baby! It bothered me that I was married and you were single, that this would mean more to me than it would to you, that I had more to lose, more at stake. I would cry and tell you how out of character this is for me. You would talk in your calm, creepy voice "Let me make you feel like a woman, let me take away all your worries and anxieties." You had an answer for everything!

I enjoyed talking with you and getting to know you. I felt like you opened up and were honest with me about some things. I felt like a therapist. Of course, I only know what you told me, not what you chose to leave out or not mention. I only know one small sliver of your life or the story of your life. I felt like you were listening to me. Although when we would talk after a long period of no contact, I realized you didn't remember anything. You have a horrible memory. Then you would start to tell me the same stories again. I remembered everything, you didn't remember much.

What really frustrates me is that you led me on, built me up sexually over the last year. You had me expecting sex. I finally gave in and saw you as a lover. Then on our weekend together, mysteriously, your libido dried up! This felt like a massive head game, control freak thing. I remember getting coffee with you and you saying you used to get lattes but there was too much milk. Now you get Americanos so you can control the cream. I remember you saying it so intensely "I control the cream!" Yeah you do.

You told me I was the only woman to touch your heart in years, and you have a heart of f*cking stone! Wow! You told me you hadn't been this drawn to or attracted to a woman in years. You loved talking with me, you felt comforted by it. I know you keep women (girls) at a distance. You just think of them as sex objects, collections of body parts. You have your pictures and videos of all your girls, your personal porn stash. I THANK GOD I never sent you a dirty picture. I never had phone sex with you. I never sent you a picture of my kids. At least I had some boundaries.

You were so awesome on the phone and by text/email. Always up and positive, happy, smiley, cheerful. I miss your almost daily friendly messages. But when I saw you in person, what a disappointment. You couldn't keep up your mask. No wonder you like the distance and the phone. You are a mess. A sad, hollow man. A drunk. Depressed. Bipolar. You hate yourself. You hate your past and what you've done. You carry that around with you every day. No wonder you look to all these women (girls) to prop you up and give you the lift you need. You have no self-esteem. I have never seen anything sadder. I cannot listen to your sad sad stories anymore about your bipolar, Adderall-popping ex-wife and your drunken escapades and all the women (girls) you used and tossed aside. Thanks for telling me that there is a long list of women who hate you! I get it!

I told you goodbye several times, but like a bad penny, you kept showing up. I didn't have you out of my heart yet, so I always let you back in. But this time I'm working hard on why I fell for you in the first place. I'm not going to repeat my mistakes.

At first, you made me feel special and feel seen when I felt invisible. Now I feel ashamed and sad. I'm not going to say I wish I never met you, because you came into my life for a reason and it's my job to use this pain as a catalyst to better my life. I have that ability. You don't. You will continue to "fall in love", get bored, be alone over and over and over.

Finally, my feelings. You hurt me. You disappointed me. I feel used, lied to, tossed aside. I feel unimportant, unloved, insignificant, interchangeable with any other girl. You did not value me. That is your problem.

I never want another phone conversation like the last one I had with you. You baiting me, putting words in my mouth, telling me how I felt -- but you were wrong. I don't buy your version of events. I know what happened. I know the truth. I will not contact you or ever respond to you if you hoover me in the future. I cannot risk the blow to my self-esteem. I cannot let you near me ever again. I choose me. I choose my life. I choose reality, as painful as that is.

I'm moving on with my life, I'm looking at my issues from my past, what led me to you in the first place. How did I fall for you? You definitely charmed me, put a spell on me, but I'm not a victim. I'm not innocent, just didn't have all the information I have now. The fantasy of you did not live up to the reality of you. I’m letting go of the fantasy. It is sad to let that go, but it was never real. Like a beautifully packaged, hollow Easter bunny, you were never real. Peel away the pretty shiny wrapper and all you’re left with is a melting, hollow shell. Nothing inside.

So goodbye.
Trouble

Sep 17 - 6PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I love this exercise. Good