Grandiosity

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#1 Apr 23 - 9PM

better off

Grandiosity

Just for laughs (I hope), does anyone want to mention their favorite instances of grandiosity?

Last night we were watching a comedian on TV, and suddenly H announces..."I should be a comedian." I just stared at him, half-laughing. He goes on to tell me how funny he is, etc and he always should have been a stand-up comedian.

This is funny to me for several reasons:
A) this is the first time he's ever said that...so in his typical fashion it just entered his head because he saw a comedian on tv at that moment. But he's "always" thought that.

B) He does go around desperately TRYING to be funny, saying stupid, embarrassing, and inappropriate things at inappropriate times in an effort to impress others, especially people we don't know very well which makes it 100 times more embarrassing.

He got more and more swelled up about it telling me how funny everyone thinks HE is...and got really condescending about it. I just laughed and said, you know, sometimes you are reaaallly full of yourself. He just shrugged and laughed.

In the same conversation he also told me he should be able to go on and on talking til he's done and then I can say something (that's his definition of a conversation)...even if it takes an hour. He was being sarcastic about the hour, but he was getting miffed that I would want any limit at all on how long he was to have his monologue.

I just observe him like a scientist now. ;P

#2 Apr 27 - 8PM

Barbara (not verified)

ROFL!

Then he has to wear a 1/2 a melon on his head for his crown. Oh and -- DO THE SHOPPING HIMSELF! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#3 Apr 26 - 3PM

better off

Just noticed our grocery

Just noticed our grocery list on the fridge...actually it was a list of dinners to have with the groceries. He signed it: I am the Shopping King

#4 Apr 27 - 8PM (Reply to #22)

Lisa E. Scott

the Shopping King

Nice! The Shopping King. I like the melon idea, Barbara!

#5 Apr 27 - 9PM (Reply to #23)

better off

Melon Head...he actually

Melon Head...he actually does do most of the shopping these days, because he has to be in charge of it and what we eat for dinner. (this is literally one of the only things he talks to me about) So now he's the "Shopping King." He goes to the high-end grocery store, makes the kids unload it all, and I put everything away. I did all the grocery shopping for 12 years, went to the place where I had to bag it all myself, unload it all myself (sometimes walking right past him on the couch), and put it all away. So I guess I was the Shopping Goddess.

#6 Apr 25 - 2PM

better off

I've been going to a new

I've been going to a new church I like and he doesn't like not being in control of that. But sometimes he goes. Anyway, the pastor used to be a hell-raiser when he was younger and he sometimes talks about his drinking and carousing past to make a point. This bugs H. Says "if he wants to be a leader he shouldn't talk about that stuff." I said..you mean..the truth? Yep, he doesn't think he should be admitting he acted like that if he's a pastor. (only a narc would think that way) Then the man who avoids going to church or reading the bible or anything says..."I'm just trying to help. I've really read and studied the Bible, so I know what I'm talking about. He should listen to me."

#7 Apr 24 - 10PM

Barbara (not verified)

truth

the truth we get is so fragmented often they wrap a load of lies in a bit of truth BIG PROBLEM - since they are incurable and their brains are literally different - their idea of TRUTH & REALITY is ever-changing. (Our idea of TRUTH & REALITY is static - and NORMAL!) What scares me even more is they FULLY BELIEVE EVERYTHING THEY SAY - AS THEY SAY IT - and then turn around when it's inconvenient and say "I never said/ did that" or "that never happened" The psychopath spent a lot of time in the luring phase establishing trust with her. Thatâ€™s not hard to do because the women are prone to trusting before it is earned or validated. He may have told stories about his own trustworthiness or performed trustworthy actions to cement her trust in him early on. This became the foundation off which he could constantly refer to himself as trustworthy while doing everything that proves he is untrustworthy. Since positive emotional memories are easier to access, she is more likely to remember the things she trusts about him than the things she begins to distrust. Although she may have a nagging feeling he is violating her trust in some area, the psychopath is likely to spin it as a problem with her paranoia, her own emotional issues, or another reason he uses to abandon the relationship. The dichotomy produces in her a conflict between trusting her gut or trusting her memories. In the early part of the relationship, she will trust her memories of him. Only much later, if ever, will she begin to trust her gut. Interestingly, because of the womanâ€™s high trust trait, she will even trust the psychopathâ€™s explanation when she has caught him red-handed. It could be in bed with someone else, swindling her money, or another horrendous lie. When prompted to choose between trusting what she just saw or found out, or trusting the explanation given by the psychopath, many of the women trust the psychopath and discount the truth of what they learned. ****â€œI opened the door and saw him in bed with another woman. By the end of the evening, I wasnâ€™t sure I had seen it at all! He didnâ€™t convince me that it meant nothingâ€”he convinced me it didnâ€™t happen and there was no one in the bed with him! It took me forever to learn to trust my own perceptions. When you think you are going crazy, itâ€™s easy to rely on someone elseâ€™s version of reality. It wasnâ€™t the issue of reality I now seeâ€¦ it was the issue of truth.â€**** This conflict between trusting what she uncovers or trusting his explanations will be repeated many times before the ending of the relationship. The psychopath is also likely to play mind-games with her about the trust and distrust issues. Even if she catches him, he is likely to allege she didnâ€™t see what she saw, didnâ€™t read what she read, and didnâ€™t hear what she heard. Blatant attempts at restructuring her reality are not beyond the psychopath, and is a well used method by him. Overtime, this erodes her ability to do her own reality testing of what is actually in front of her and plays with her mind in ways that makes her think she is losing her mind. And as a last ditch pitch, the psychopath will also threaten that if she canâ€™t trust him (even in the face of catching him red-handed) then he might as well pack up and go â€” his convenient threat of abandoning is always present. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS Personally it was too exhausting and mind-boggling to try to figure out the truth with any of these guys. Now I just assume they are always lying - always. It's easier to keep my distance. For instance - I no longer expect exNH to help me even if he says he will. I just 'act like' he's dead - and do it myself. Saves me the agony of listening to his revisionist history and calling me crazy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free information for victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#8 Apr 25 - 7PM (Reply to #16)

fairy wings

Good explanations

Thank you Barbara. Good and clear explanations in this article; explains why when I caught my now ex husband playing footsie with my friend at a dinner party he said I imagined it and I thought two hours later maybe I had. It explains why when I came home just as he was ending a phone call to the same friend a while later I also believed that I had imagined I heard him say I love you too. It explains why I found it easier to believe I was paranoid rather than accept the truth that was staring me in the face: he was having an affair with my friend. The truth is I couldn't accept he was having an affair until I was strong enough to take the necessary action the truth would entail. Once I allowed myself to 'know' the truth I left, but for a long time I was in a bubble of denial because it was a more comfortable place to be. I went through a similar process over six years in order to leave the violent partner I subsequently met and as if that wasn't enough I repeated the same process all over again in coming to my senses and leaving number three after four years. I survived living through my husband of twenty three years cheating on me, I survived physical violence. I nearly didn't survive the emotional rape of my third relationship. He never laid a finger on me, never broke anything that belonged to me, never cheated on me, however he played with my mind so successfully I couldn't even describe to my best friend how he did it. Even now I cannot untangle all of what he did. Most of what he did would have seemed insignificant if I told of each tiny incident alone, however I learnt context was everything. It was like he had a screw he constantly tightened to get more control of me and to squeeze every last drop of everything out of me. He used this alongside all the tactics mentioned in your posting all of which left me constantly without ground and constantly off balance. If I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling, he would counter everything I said and I'd feel even more off balance. We didn't live together and he was forever distancing me by 'sending' me home whilst at the same time constantly telling me he wanted me to move in. I could never make plans to move in because I never knew when I'd be 'sent home' again. At first I thought I was really doing something that upset him. I reasoned that maybe I was more damaged from my violent relationship than I could see; maybe he was right to send me home. Maybe time on my own would do me good, help me heal. He was such a quiet, gentle person, nothing like my former partners, so it was much easier to believe it was something to do with me, particularly as he never actually went away. Whenever I phoned to say I had reflected on what he said and I could see what he meant, he always invited me back. I reasoned he really cared; he wasn't leaving me, he wasn't getting angry with me, he was being very patient because he really cared; he loved me. In truth he was gradually gaining more control of me. As time went on he said he sent me home because I moaned and complained. I protested because I felt there was no relationship. He never said what he did when he sent me home and he never seemed interested in what I had been doing either. If I defended myself or if I tried to explore this with him at a later date he'd either hang up the phone or send me home again. I couldn't get any ground. I felt he had me in a constant state of spin and yet he didn't appear to be doing anything wrong. Because of the experience with my other two relationships it was easier to believe that he was right about me than believe I was experiencing a third type of abuse. Even my friends made comments that made me think it was me........'well you are the common denominator here',..... 'no one can be that unlucky three times in a row'.......The thing is I WAS that unlucky, or that stupid. I was so trusting and every time I seemingly had to go through the same agonising processes that are described in your posting before I could finally detach and leave.

#9 Apr 25 - 9PM (Reply to #19)

Barbara (not verified)

Facing Facts

by Kathy Krajco One reason why the victims don't face facts about a narcissist is because we don't want to face the fact that we mean nothing to them. The ego doesn't want to know that. For, being valued by another at absolute zero is a degrading value judgment. When this is someone in your family, that fact is traumatic. We think about how much we have loved them, how often we have stuck up for them, how many times in the past we sacrificed for them. And here all along they cared NOTHING for us in return! They just fed off us like a parasite, taking us for a sap. This is why denial is so dangerous. Facing facts, no matter how unpleasant, is better. Because when you do address the issue in your mind, you see who is degraded by the narcissist's refusal to relate humanly to human beings. Not the human beings, that's for sure. Knowing that makes you able to accept the truth about them. And when you accept the truth about them, you break the cycle of abuse. http://narc-attack.blogspot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#10 Apr 25 - 8PM (Reply to #17)

better off

OMG, fairy wings. That is

OMG, fairy wings. That is such a description of my affair..well after it was an affair and we were just "good friends"...an adjustment I was supposed to make overnight. At times I felt like a dog that got put out back for acting up, chewing up daddy's slippers or something. And I'd sit out back next to the door like my dog does waiting for him to come back when he felt like it. And of course, just like a dog, I was grateful when he did, not pissed off like I should have been. If I ever said anything emotional or out of line (to him) he'd say well I guess this is going to be too hard after all, and I'd keep trying to prove that no, I could be friends. What a fucking waste of time. I am so embarrassed at myself. Thanks for the reminder.

#11 Apr 26 - 5AM (Reply to #18)

fairy wings

Thank you to Babara and Better Off

Thank you Barbara for your posting. It has served as a reminder why I was such a good target. I felt rejected as a child because my mother 'suffered from ' (her words not mine) depression. Consequently she spent most of my childhood in and out of a psychiatric hospital. Although I understand so much more about this now and am fortunate in having been able to talk to her about this time, it doesn't change the fact that the first time she went away I was three - I felt abandoned. I never had any idea when she would return and I learnt you don't ask questions. My whole life until I was about 16 revolved aound her and of course her needs came first. I was not allowed to have any problems and as the oldest child as soon as I was old enough I had to take care of my dad and sister too. In addition I dared not question my dad or the responsibility he placed on me, because I was so scared of loosing the only parental relationship I really had, but he was always away working expecting me to play the role of the parent! I played out the power dynamics of these relationships over and over again in my adult life, I was good at surviving without emotional support and always accepting of excuses for why this was absent or not forthcoming. Always accomodating, always thinking if somehow I could get it right I'd be noticed, appreciated and loved. Of course it doesn't work like that! Thank you too, Better Off. I am glad and sorry at the same time that my posting acted as a reminder. I still find that third relationship hard to explain, but in the midst of it I couldn't see so clearly. If it helps I also look back and wonder why I was so willing to act like a loyal puppy.........see above on training! I feel less 'mad' knowing you have experienced something similar. It was also hard to accept something was wrong as after a violent partner he seemed so different, so for ages I explained it all away again! I guess what I failed to do was believe in myself and my own gut feeling, but as a child my feelings were never validated, how did I know what the truth was. As I said to a counsellor I worked with, I had faulty wiring. I literally had to rewire myself from age 50 when I finally decided to say 'no'. Another friend who has lived through similar said: until she rewired herself she was always looking at the world with faulty equipment. I totally agree. I think now I finally know which feelings match which word! I hope this makes sense.

#12 Apr 24 - 8PM

Barbara (not verified)

fiction

Their lives are complete fiction anyway that they write & rewrite as needed. And they BELIEVE their own b.s. which is even more sick!

#13 Apr 24 - 10AM

GhostBuster

The other/2nd N said

"I'm clearly the most interesting of my siblings." He had two siblings. When he said this to me, I laughed. And dead serious, he says "Why are you laughing? It's just a fact."

#14 Apr 24 - 10AM

GhostBuster

Scientific detachment

Although still somewhat in the throws of emotional turmoil, I too reflect on my "no contact" Ns with scientific detachment. My 1st N claimed he should teach economics (because he...unlike most others...understood its complexities). He said this several times during long-winded rants about economic issues. HOWEVER, the guy was in the bottom of his class in engineering school...and had only taken one class in macro economics in college. SURE...he's qualified to teach economics. Looking back, there were warning signs that his "grandiosity" just did not match up with reality. He fancied himself an awesome public speaker (he probably was...could blow on and on without a tinge of stage fright)...but early in our relationship he got a teaching gig with an engineering association. He kept referring to this teaching gig as "public speaking" and he refused to look at the required curricula to prepare. He was just going to "wing it" and awe them with his voice. Consequently, he fell flat on his ass, got horrible evaluations from his "students" and the association refused to let him teach again. Boy, was this a huge blow to his ego. He kept referring to it as a "disaster!". Even got his mommmy (most likely an N too) to help him write a letter defending his actions to the association. In his mind, it was a disaster...they failed they recognize his grandiose "public speaking" (BS) skills as valuable. I knew there was something really off with him at this point...but of course continued on with him...much to my detriment. HINDSIGHT!

#15 Apr 24 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

better off

My, my, my. Economics.

My, my, my. Economics. Well, my H would never actually DO any of things he says he can do, so he could never fail at them like that. lol I forgot to add the last reason I thought his comments about comedians so funny...is that he hardly ever GETS a joke. Mine also tries to co-opt whatever is is I want to do. I'm a published writer, just trade magazine articles, but still, I'm published. And I've written newlsetters for companies and stuff like that. I've toyed with writing fiction, played around with it. well once I really started focusing on it, H says one day "I'M going to write a book!" Again I go slack-jawed. He's never even READ a book to my knowledge. Okay, not true, he's read TWO books over the course of the last 17 years. Two. He mocks me for reading. But no, now he's going to WRITE a book. Then he wanted to always be talking about HIS book. It made me want to vomit. If he can't talk me out of doing something or rain on my parade enough to get me to quit...then he just morphs it into something he's going to do. Once I started cycling...then I couldn't go out the door without him going too. Clearly missing the point on why I wanted to ride away for miles on a bike. ;P I've been getting a freelance business started...and he was negative about it. And then one day, out of the blue, well he's going to do it too. He'll just do it with me. I'm like are you fucking crazy??? Oh wait...yeah. He IS crazy.

#16 Apr 24 - 8PM (Reply to #11)

Fawn

Grandstanding

The stranger I lived with for over 15 years was always writing the great American novel. He was really a small-town newspaper reporter, now he's a PR guy. He writes about other people's success. That makes me laugh! He was always so competitive with me and was envious of anyone else's success or good fortune. Now he has a 23-year old girlfriend(our babysitter). Those are the only girls he can fool, apparently. Although when she was fired from the after school care job (at the school where I work) she begged for her 2.5 hour a day babysitting job and said she would "give him up" if she could keep her job. Hee hee! I love that!

#17 Apr 24 - 8PM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

PR guy?

Yours was a PR guy? Psycho-boy is a Marketing Professional Really good at twisting facts & throwing the bull around aren't they? LOL ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#18 Apr 24 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

quietude (not verified)

they can do anything!

These are probably the same people who write their life memoires without really accomplishing anything worth noting...*snicker*

#19 Apr 24 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

Barbara (not verified)

quietude

when Psycho-Boy told my friend he was targeting his life story? Get this: He used pieces of MY PERSONAL HISTORY and MADE THEM HIS OWN - as if they HAPPENED TO HIM!! Too bad his life is so boring he has to steal other people's. I have seen other pathologicals do this. I met own who incorporated bits of movies & books as his "life story." Bizarre. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#20 Apr 24 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

quietude (not verified)

makes you wonder

That is just sad, but you know they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...! Makes you wonder though how much of the truth we get. I put my trust into this guy completely, because that's what you're supposed to do in a committed relationship, right? Have each other's back, all of that... I hate that I'm so cautious now. I have no idea how I'll be able to trust again...maybe one day.

#21 Apr 24 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

better off

lol quietude and ghost

lol quietude and ghost buster... Recently my H was fishing for us to tell him how great he is...and I said, oh, you're the king. And he kind of laughed and smiled. And I said...and you know..the KING is married to...the QUEEN. Not the galley slave. ;) He was like, hey now, wait a minute. It was all kind of tongue in cheek. But I did say it one more time. I said you can be the King, just remember you're married to the Queen.

#22 Apr 24 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

cassiemay

the operating room

"You wouldn't believe it (no shit?), but today we had a patient and everything started going wrong. Everyone in the room was nervous and upset but I calmed them all down and saved the patient's life." "Everyone says I have "good hands". And I do. I can do anything with my hands and I'm always the one they call when they can't get a vein." The garden: "My pickles are the best in the world". "My barbeque sauce is the best in the world". "I have the best smoker in the world". LOL!!!!

#23 Apr 24 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

cassiemay

one more I forgot....

"I can't work here anymore. No one else is as good as I am."

#24 Apr 24 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

Lisa E. Scott

Great idea, Betteroff!

This is a great idea, Betteroff. I know I'll think of more, but here's the first comment made by my ex that comes to mind: "You know, in my former life I must have been a king. At a minimum, my ancestors must have been royalty. I was meant to live the life of an aristocrat. It suits me very well."

#25 Apr 24 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

better off

Wow. King of...fools. The

Wow. King of...fools. The thing that confuses me about my H's grandiosity is the weird things it's about. It's never about anything he's actually good at. He was a champion motorcycle racer and has six foot trophies that are locked in a closet somewhere. He NEVER talks about being good at that. You'd never know. But he thinks he should write a book when he can barely construct a sentence...or be a comedian when he can't understand a joke. He's a really good coach but says he's not. But he struts around the house telling me he's "the man." Weird.

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