The Gray Area

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#1 Mar 30 - 9AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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The Gray Area

Hello to All,
SO many of the characteristics of Ns fit my husband to a "T" and yet, others do not.

One thing that remains constant is that I have been raped of my former self, and Im in constant question of my own judgement. This is a red flag for me for sure.

However, since I cant attribute all of the characteristics of what Im ready to my spouse, it confuses me further. I even have a problem deciphering whether he is a cerebral vs. somatic N...he has half the characteristics of EACH and is lacking half of each...HELP.

I have to get out of here. There is no physical abuse, married 10 years...the emotional and psychological game is draning though. He has used money and sex to control me, and when complaints arise on my part, the kids are used like pawns, as if my complaints are "nothing" compared to what it will do to the kids if I break up their family. Its as though he loves them and resents them at the same time..

Any thoughts from anyone????

Mar 30 - 10AM
quietude (not verified)
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Yes, the awful gray area! You go back and forth with the fact that he's not so bad in some areas, so it's easy to get sucked into feeling bad for him, thinking he's not a 'full blown' narc so there is hope! It is maddening, isn't it? Mine was more sublte in his torture, so it took a lot of reading to realize that I was in fact being abused emotionally. I have to keep focusing on the things he did do, how it greatly effected me, and why it's good we aren't together. It's also been very difficult trying to completely seperate myself from him mentally and emotionally, and I know it'll take a long time to recover. But at least no more BS to deal with directly from him. As hard as it is to break up a family, he is doing no favors for those kids either. I can't tell you what's right for you, but it won't get better going along 'as is'. I hope you are able to find your solution, so you can regain 'yourself' and stop the cycle.
Mar 30 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
Silvascript (not verified)
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My gray area isnt about wanting him back - Im beyond that. I dont want him "back" - made that decision in my head. Now its about a covert op to get out. Its as though I need a definition or distinguishable "reason" to end this marriage and split this family. What Im discovering is that when you've been exposed long-term to the quiet war against your self, waged by the N, you are CONSUMED day and night with self doubt - is this really happening? Is this really as "bad" as if feels? At what point is it "bad" enough to leave? How does one "leave" a narcissist's marriage?? Esp, when he is profusely bibilcally schooled in the fine art of quoting scripture to you as to why its a sin? (convenient, yes?). Its as though I dread the war I know is coming after I leave the house, the legal stuff, the phone calls, the harrassment - You cant just ignore your N when you have children together and it doesnt look very good to the judge that you refused to take his calls when you have his kids with you....Just need some N Armor so I can put my big girl panties on, show my daughter now 9 yrs old and my son, 18 months old that "THIS" is not normal and how to demand respect when you've been trampled on... Any suggestions out there?
Mar 30 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
better off
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I found this a helpful

I found this a helpful article in dealing with Christian issues and abuse. I know you already know it's not okay, what he's doing, but this might still be helpful to you. Also the Narcissists Suck blog has some good articles on it too, although it's more about relatives than spouses. I think one is called From Such Turn Away. I've gotta run but maybe I can link it later.
Mar 30 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
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Here's the FROM SUCH TURN AWAY link: (anna valerious is a net friend of mine, I am proud to say...) Also a great site for X-tians wanting divorce: Silvascript - go get a couple free consults with an attorney. Hire one and quietly make a plan to get out. And get out quick. They will help you. Also a book called SPLITTING by William Eddy, Esq. will help you understand the divorce issues facing someone who is married to a Narc. Been there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!" - A. Valerious
Mar 30 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
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