Grommit - I'm in the Wrong Trousers!

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#1 Nov 28 - 5AM
louloukate
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Grommit - I'm in the Wrong Trousers!

Hi I am soooo glad to have found you all.
I have just escaped from a 23 year long emotional hostage situation! I want to shout from the rooftops! The blinkers are finally off and after the last six years spent in confusion, constantly destabilised and manipulated despite well over a grands worth of therapy, I really believe I am moving on.
I met my Narc at university back in 1990. I arrived as a 19 year old, traumatised and vulnerable on the back of a long drawn out family difficulty. I met him - the fireworks went off and I was under his spell from that moment. And the level of denial I went into still staggers me on an hourly basis! Even though the relationship was just nine months long at that time, the experiences were intense and stayed with me for many years. (Maybe that should read Haunted me for many years!) I was a 'good girl' going quietly when he finally discarded me and left me for dead. I felt unworthy, a failure, a freak and like I wasn't good enough for him. This left me with a legacy that followed me into future relationships. He was always part of my relationships. There were places, situations that were imprinted on me. Even going into the bank ( yes really!) triggered a flashback.
I was lucky enough to meet a loving man who I married in 2002. But the whole relationship was punctuated for my by the Narc. He was constantly a presence. Even in the bedroom. I felt like he watched my whole life even though he wasn't there. I felt there were three people in the marriage. It was was a contant background tape running. Would he have liked me more and been kinder if he knew I did this job, wore these clothes, looked like this person or that person? I was driven and determined to prove myself to the person I carried with me in my psyche to the point I made myself ill with stress . I constantly felt like I was trying to prove myself to the narc even though he treated me with indifference and contempt and ignored any attempt I made through the years to contact him and gain closure over the relationship.
Finally in 2007 following the adoption of my two children I consciously looked him up on the internet. I had no idea about narcissism at that point. I still felt the relationship had failed because of me and my shortcomings and inadequacies. He had pointed them out enough times with his 'charming' "back handed compliments" ( his description!).
I thought that now we were nearly twenty years further along and I was "mature" and "grown up" with children we would be able to look objectively at our relationship and have a decent compassionate talk about it - putting all the baggage to rest.
I thought the hardest bit would be wether he remembered me or not! It didn't occur to me I would be sucked into a web from the first contact onwards. I thought if he didn't respond to contact that would tell me what I needed to know. When I heard from him after a few days I was so excited I completely ignored the huge red Flag that was waving in my face. Namely that he was expecting to 'hook up' not talk! The minute he realised I did not have this agenda he started the D & D.
The best description I have for the nightmare I encountered from that point on ( Sept 2007) is that I was Wallace in the Wrong Trousers - Flippant analogy maybe but I felt like although I was aware something was really wrong someone else was controlling my legs and taking me all over the place. I could see it but was powerless to stop it. Damned if I did and damned if I didn't. All my attempts at resolving the contact and the havoc it was causing me were in vain. In fact, I was at my most distressed and frightened when he 'banished' me and we didn't have contact. It all became just like before - it was my fault, I was the immoral, predatory, shameless person leading him astray etc etc. he was the innocent family man who was trying to be good despite the pressure I was putting on him (!!!!)
Sadly, I ended up embrolied in a sexual relationship with him. He refused to speak to me or give me any type of closure until I gave in to his coersion and mainipulation. It was a master stroke of narcissistic behaviour - one that is so clear to me now but I was so blind to it at the time. It must sound so shallow that I got into a sexual relationship with him whilst married. What kind of woman am I? This feeling and the moral conflict I felt isolated and depressed me for the intervening years. I felt stuck in hell. I told my husband. I went for therapy. I made huge efforts to move forward. But it was like a poison in my psyche. I felt hijacked. I couldn't hold down a job. I couldn't concentrate. I started smoking and drinking. I started rejecting my life because I couldn't cope with the dissonance - I had to buy into his world view to maintain my denial. Without the denial I knew I would crack up. It was horrible.
Then a year ago after another year of begging and pleading with him to talk meaingfully about our relationship I finally overcame my denial enough to acknowledge that if I offered him sexual favours it was like the magic combination. If I didn't, he punished me with silent treatment and D&D. I legged it. It gave me strength. I cut him off - changed my email address. Blocked my phone. Started to get my life back. I felt euphoric. I started to engage with my life. It was like waking up from a nightmare. Then in Feburary 2013 my phone beeped and bam! He was back in my life. I hadn't realised that blocking a phone number did NOT stop texts. He had never texted before - only emailed so I had not thought to cover this base better. He hoovered me right up hook line and sinker. But all the time I knew I was in the Wrong Trousers and I was waiting for my moment to escape. I finally did it last week. I finally got to tell him NO WAY EVER AGAIN, EVER EVER!!!! I had to sink to his depths. I had to play him at his own game. But once I knew the game it was relatively easy to do. Which surprised me. There has been no drama. My triumph has been that I showed him I was rejecting him and everything he stood for without him having ANYTHING at all he could use to twist things back and leave me feeling abused, maimed and in emotional pergatory. I just simply left him in a way that he now knows I was on to him and that he can never manipulate me that way again.
I feel amazing. I feel like a force field that held me to him like a magnet has just stopped. Whilst it was switched on I was powerless to move other than the way he wanted. But now I am free of it. I feel like a new person.
I still feel there is a degree of risk that he will return. I need to change my phone number to ensure complete safety but to do that I need to talk to my husband again. Im not sure if thats fair on him. He has coped with this with me since 1996 and it has been especially hard over the past five years. In the meantime, I also know I am wary because he will think that I will come crawling back unable to cope with the fear of the insecure attachments he exploits in me and the fear of "losing him'. This is a pattern of behaviour that has built up between us over the past six years. Time will let him know I have busted out. But then I have to be prepared if he tries something to get me to validate him. Never say never - I have learnt this the hard way. I feel I am like a soldier preparing for attack. I have dug my trench, locked everything down and I am sitting here in full armour with my gun loaded - just vigiliant. This is not good though. I have about a month where he will assume he is in the driving seat still and will be smugly giving me the silent treatment without having to acknowledge that I am the one who has walked away.
At that point I need this group so much. Noone knows unless they have been there. Even some of the therapists I have seen have not understood the power of the narc.
I hope I can get to know some of you and offer the sisterhood ( and brotherhood cos I know its not a gender issue) I have so desperately needed. On the plus side of the last six years, I have survived alone and coped. I'm still here! And I and the people I love who have stayed by my side will now get a better deal from me due my learning and self awareness. I am really looking forward to 2014. Not dreading it like I have 2008,2009,2010,2011, 2012! ( Still cannot believe how many years of my life has been affected - when I look at photos from these years I can't even remember some of the time. Thats so sad that I have missed some of the most special years of my children's lives by not really being present).
Peace to you all, Louloukate xxx

Dec 12 - 8AM
louloukate
louloukate's picture

I fell off the wagon straight into the trousers again!

Nov 29 - 8PM
Peaceseeker
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Encouraging