He asked for a final dinner

She and I have become good friends. Many of you fear for her safety at the dinner but she does have that totally covered. Right now, it is her xN that is terrified of her. And he is a coward, like most of them are. We all let go in our own time and in our own way. How many of us had had warnings about the xN, from their friends or exW's or exOW's, from their family, coworkers....and we chose to ignore those warnings? In my case, after it was over, people told me they wanted to warn me but wanted me to be happy and not upset me. They were there for me when it all fell apart, which I greatly appreciated. Many, if not all, of us ignored gut instincts, advice, we believed the xN's lies even when we knew they were lies. We broke away in our own time, in our own way, with the support of others who were and are there for us even when we fall, even when we ignore the red flags, even when we chose to do things the way we know WE have to do them. I read the posts here and get the distinct feeling that many of you FINALLY were able to break free after such a meeting with your xN's, regardless of your intentions going into those meetings. Epiphany believes this is the right way for her and I, for one, will be there for her after the dinner. She knows what she will NOT get from this. But she also knows what she WILL get for herself. I broke NC with my xN because, in my entire life, I never stood up for myself, never called someone on their bad behavior, lies, insults, abuse, public humiliation. I was the "nice" girl, never wanting confrontation, always giving the other person a "pass" for their bad behavior, always believing people can change and become better people. But the anger and hurt and pain built up inside me, for YEARS, both with my xH and my xN. When xN began to D&D me, and it brought back intense and painful memories of what my xH had done to me, I didn't wait around. I ran far away from xN, totally blocked him, shut him out of my life. But the pain and anger were still there and he still had a pass to treat others badly. I unblocked him on one phone number and tore into him. YEARS of silence and enabling, years of pain and hurt, of accepting abuse and humiliation, of being used and then tossed aside like yesterday's garbage, after having given him everything to ease his own pain and troubles and struggles. And I let loose on my xH, too, when he started playing games with me over our financial agreements. I told my mom about this. She told me that, my entire life, she was disappointed in me - even mad at me - because I never stood up for myself. She was so proud and happy that I finally did. When I was done letting lose on xN, I reinstated the block and walked away. But I no longer felt like a self-imposed doormat. I know he is scared because I know things that could ruin any political aspirations he has. He kept saying he wanted to be "friends" but I told himm to "Fuck friendship!" He wants to be friends because he aspires to the old adage, "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer." I wasn't looking for closure. I knew I would not get it with him, ever. I did it for ME and to release the years of anger and hurt built up inside me. For me, it worked. I am free. I did it "my way." I will be there for you after the dinner, Epiphany, no matter what happens. I know you have to do it your way in order to be able to move on. (((HUGS)))

If there was anyone that was offended by any of the numerous posts I've made on this topic, I sincerely apologize. Like everyone else on this forum, I have come here to heal as a result of an unhealthy relationship with an N. and after what I have been through, and after reading what others here have been through, it confounds me that a person would want to meet up with their N. "one last time", which seems like throwing oneself into oncoming traffic and expecting not to get run over and hurt. I don't know the person who started this thread. I have been cursed at by them on here, have had my words twisted around, and received what I think is a very bizarre private message from them, which I will not respond to. That was enough to make me realize that it is possible for someone to be so deeply entrenched in their N's abuse of them, that they could come to this fountain of collective experience, disregard everything that could possibly shorten the learning curve for them, and willingly go back to contact with their N. It does make me tremble to think that an Ns could have that much control over another person's thinking. At the end of the day, I still do not see any "support" here for the idea of having "one final dinner" with the N, which is what my post was all about. I still very much think meeting with the N. is an extremely bad idea, especially after three months of NC, and I regret that someone would try to twist around what I said into something entirely different in order to defend their decision to throw themselves into the path of a N., rather than just accept that a stranger would take the time to feel concern for their safety, and speak up. In the end, everyone is going to do as they choose, and will reap the consequences of their actions, good or bad. On a very personal note, I do remember there being a time when nothing anyone of my friends could say would stop me from going back to the N. and I realize now that I was so abused and so well-conditioned by the N., that I was actually facilitating my own abuse. It really strikes a chord in me to see that kind of behavior in someone else and I am very sensitive to it, which is why I spoke up so much on this thread. Now I understand how frustrating it must have been for my friends, who tried to stop me from going back to the N. for more abuse. I still have concern for the person who started this topic, however I am now going to do what my friends did for me, which is to express concern yet respect that person's free will to do as they choose, and simply wish them well on their journey.

I wish so badly I never had that final meal with N. He used it to humiliate me. He wouldn't make eye contact, he mimicked tears he was very authoritative and when he went to pay he told me to stay sitted because he did not want to walk out of the restaurant together. He paid and walked out, got into his car and drove away. I fewlt like a nothing. Whiuch is what he wanted. He's messed up. Again, he wanted me to feel like a piuece of nothing. But in the end his behavior was dispicable. Who treats a woman like that? Can't walk out together? Come on. And when we were together I use to tell him "I am madly in love with you." He never responded back then at dinner he says "I was madly in love with you." Yea right. It's funny how he used my words and he never told me that during the relationship. He tells me in the past tense. It was all mimicked emotions. He fed back to me what I fed him. Have not spoke to him since Jan. With old gf now.

what an emotional issue this is all the responses, even the "harsh" ones are coming from a place of genuine concern for the poster... yes, each of us has to do what she has to do to recover but I've been reading and reading and reading and I think the majority of the time, closure is just not possible with these N's... whatever happens epiphany, I hope you will come out of it ok. It's a very scary situation to many of us the very idea of it screams "DANGER" and fear gives rise to strong emotions. Please let us know you are ok afterward. I hope you come back victorious, at least in your own eyes, but like others have expressed, I just don't know if that's possible.

Why would you want to have any meals ...break bread...with this man? He can return your stuff by mail. That's how I'd say it. No ''final dinner.'' So he can dig the spike into your heart deeper? You are hurting. But, you have got to DIG DEEP into the pit of your soul where there is still some strength left, and NOT have dinner with this man. Ignore him. He does not deserve another nano second of your life. I hope things get better for you soon. They will, it takes time, to heal from being bruised and abused by these types. No matter how long the relationship. {{hugs}}

do what they want in the end, if you are asking for advice, i would not meet the man, you will only feed his need for attention,I would tell him to leave you stuff at a friends place and try to move on.............i seriously doubt you will get any closure if you do meet him, only a major emotional setback, you do not WIN against a narc.

He tried to hoover then he tried to project he tried to devalue me and downsize me from soon to be bride to friends with benefits then he tried to rage and then when it was all not working he threw another woman at my face.... He absolutely destroyed me on that day and I went to that lunch originally with what I though was a good understanding of the situation....an dpossible closure with at least some honesty thrown in.... How little did I know I wish I had never gone.... But in the end it is your choice.... Dx

If youa re truly "over him" you show it by ignoring him. Taking your valuable time to meet him for dinner, is showing him you still care. If you say yes, I would bet a million bucks that he either stands you up, or uses it as an opportunity to deliver a final D&D, one that will be much more devastating that all previous ones. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT AGREE TO MEET WITH THE N. If you do, you will get ambushed. This time you will have no one else to blame except yourself for your "victimization", because things have changed...you are no longer ignorant of who and what he is anymore, and YOU KNOW BETTER NOW. I don't know how to express how seriously dangerous it is to your health, healing and progress for you to allow him to toy with you like this again. I truly believe you are signing your own emotional death warrant if you agree to meet with him. YOU KNOW BETTER!!! You know everything he says is a lie and is designed to hurt you...you are never going to "get the last word" in or be justified or vindicated by this man, he will only continue to toy with you. If you allow this, even though you think it's "just one last time", you are going to hurt yourself. YOU are going to hurt YOURSELF by going against what you KNOW to be right and allowing him back into your life. Why on earth would you want to hand over control of yourself to the N again??? You are the one in control now...keep it that way and stay away from him!!! Going back only shows him that you have not really healed and moved on, and are still questioning yourself and yoru bruised self-esteem. What do you think is going to happen if you go? Do you think somehow he is NOT going to be a predator N anymore? Are you going to fall for his game one last time and give him opportunity to D&D you one last time? I promise you if you do, he will definitely do his level best to make it the "final" D&D. No good will come of going to meet with him, only bad. Whatever "stuff" he has of yours can be exchanged through a neutral third party or some other no contact way...or just forgotten about., No "stuff" is worth risking your mental health for. Stay away from the N. No good will come of resuming contact. By doing so, you have shown him that you weren't really serious about being NC, and that you haven't got your act together yet. You are making yourself perfect prey for the predator. OMG PLEASE DO NOT GO TO MEET WITH HIM!!! (((hugs, hugs and more hugs)))

haven't you been reading my posts? i sent a loving, apologetic message to my x N lastnight hoping to calm down his anger at a VERY nasty email I sent him last week, full of cursing and anger at him all of which he deserved. Then I asked him about something a few days ago and he would not respond. of course, however, he responded to my loving email blaming myself for everything and wishing him well, yada yada. My ex N is a dangerous man and that was my goal with the last contact. He wrote back saying my message was sweet. Do you think he apologized to me? Do you think he took any reponsibility for the pain he has caused me and my family? NO!!! and neither will yours, and furthermore you're putting your life at risk with this nutjob. you go out to dinner with him and you are really, really playing with fire. These people are violent and capable of anything. MOVE ON AND FORGET IT.

"He said he wanted me to be able move on with my life and be happy." Narcs lie, this is a lie he said to you if he is a narc. Its a classic narc lie, cause he doesnt care about you moving on or being happy if that gets in the way of his needs. Chris

If you need the property he has, maybe meet him for that. Otherwise, you owe him nothing. I wouldnt meet him if you are not strong enough to let what he says go in one ear and out the other. I have finally accepted my exnarc is messed up beyond repair. Am I strong enough to meet him? I am not ready to test it. Just don't allow yourself to fall into a trap. XOXO

Honey, I think you would be doing yourself a great disservice to go to this dinner. REally, he's not going to say anything new, you're not going to get any closure - he's just going to serve you up all the old, cold issues over new hot coals. What would really get his goat? Tell him you're meeting him and then not turn up. Don't answer any calls. Imagine an N sitting by himself in a restaurant.