Is he hurting?

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#1 Sep 20 - 2PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Is he hurting?

Hello,

I ended it with the very disturbed man I had been seeing for 4 months, 5 days ago. These past five days have been a tremendous struggle for me. I thought ending it would end the emotional roller-coaster of veering violently from one emotional state to the next, if anything the acuteness of feeling across a spectacular emotional range has been a terrible struggle for me.

Trumphancy to pride to sadness to anger to worthlessness back to triumphancy to deeper sadness to depression to today, strong in the morning and a sudden outpouring of grief, wretched tears for what I gave and what I received back, so much pain.

He has not attempted to contact me which naturally elicits ambivalent feelings.

Is he hurting?

Thank you,
Liberty
x

'The Almighty. He sees everything...'

Sep 22 - 10PM
tasha
tasha's picture

hurting?

I think mine hates me!Or is scared of me-I got dirt on him!I was on a site yesturday-and I saw something familiar-I went to check it out...turns out I'm blocked!!(I didn't know it was him!)but I figured out that for me to be blocked it must be him!then later that day the profile was deleted from the site!!haha!! It wasnt an attempt to contact him..I actually laughed about it! I don't care..I go to that site daily..I'm not stopping because of him!Maybe it seems like I'm stalking him-TO HIM..honestly I don't care if is is hurting angry whatever-he isnt my problem no more. And I'm glad he is fearful of me-it's been months since he discarded me...So I don't think this guy will be bothering me anymore!!
Sep 22 - 10PM (Reply to #30)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I've done this

I've done this to Psycho-Boy and found he's erased and scrubbed as much as he can from the net and what's left he tells people I PLANTED!!! ROFLMAO!! what really ticked me off was that HE was the STALKER and I caught him: http://thestumblingblock.wordpress.com/2007/03/04/stalker-or-just-lookin/ but then he went to a medical discussion site where I was discussing symptoms of my PCOS with doctors & others who have it. Because of what he read he now tells people I have "poor hygiene" and "so do all my fat friends." The women on the site were devastated. That's when I took out a cease & desist and got a process server to serve he & his wife. That's beyond cruel - it's sick. And he is SO busted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 22 - 10PM (Reply to #31)
tasha
tasha's picture

Hahaha!!good on ya barbara!!

It makes me happy that he lives in fear of me!!Yeah like pycho boy-he was stalking me first!! I feel much knowing you did that!Maybe they dont hurt-but we got the bastards-WHERE IT HURTS!!!LMAO!!! Your pycho boy sounds like a nasty peice of work-give him hell barbara!!
Sep 21 - 1AM
Marie
Marie's picture

Sadly, no

Liberty, as everyone has said here no, they feel nothing but anger. They are not wired normally so when the relationship comes to an end there is no sadness. Even if they fall into depression which mine does it is not depression over losing you it's about them and why bad things happen to them. It's never about why do I do bad things to hurt others that love me and make them leave. If he is giving you the silent treatment this is abuse and a way they punish you for exposing them. In the beginning when mine devalued and discarded me (D&D) I had no idea what he was about. As he crept back into my life at first I was hopeful that he realized he truly loved me and had made a mistake. Wrong! He only came back to hurt me some more. He wasn't quite as nice as when I first met him, though some of Pretend Guy was still around. There was something slightly sinister below his surface that became apparent when I really began listening to him. His words now were cruel, insulting, put downs but masked so it was never overt. And no sooner had he began courting me but dumped me again! He still contacts me now and again always suggesting we get together for coffee but never follows through on anything; I never press him either. As much as it hurts now in time you will realize the break up was best. No one deserves the abuse an N can dish out, relationship are emotional roller coasters with them. They bring you up to the highest point only to drop you as quick. All they leave are broken hearts and wrecked lives in their wake. I wish you all the best.
Sep 21 - 1AM (Reply to #26)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Agree with Marie

Totally agree with Marie. Mine would play the same game and before I was educated, I thought it meant he cared about me and was just 'scared' of a relationship. Him keeping on coming back and chasing me I thought meant he was afraid to lose me. In a way, yes, afraid to lose his free source without a commitment. But now I understand it is about his ego. When I didn't reply to a text message and he would chase and chase it was not because he cared about me. It was because he thought "how dare this object ignore me for 5 minutes. She should be waiting around for me. I want her life to be the moment I come back for her." His ego, his game, HIS everything. Nothing to do with me. If he was a human being he would understand that discarding someone for 2 weeks then coming back hot and heavy can damage a perosn's self esteem, self worth, belief in love and mental state. None of us normal people would treat anyone like that but he did and never apologised. Always found a way to blame me and it worked. I hate this man and I hope he suffers but he won't. Women love him, his friends love him, his family love him, she loves him. He is so clever, so popular and so smart at twisting everything to his will. He will never be without sources I was just another pawn in his sick game. He doesn't care who he hurts and who hurts because he doesn't hurt. He was only cranky and sexual, the only 2 emotions I have saw him experience. The rest was fake. I am hurting today. I feel not only used and discarded and tricked but I feel a massive loss of dignity. I wish I had dome what baddream recommended. I can't do that now because he has already labelled me a pyscho. I would love him to come back so I can ignore him and have the last word but that won't happen. Both him and her think I am a liar which I am not and he has gotten away with it.
Sep 21 - 8AM (Reply to #28)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cupcake

One of the biggest hurts I deal with is how he lied about me and destroyed my character. And everyone believes him. It was devastating that I was on good terms with his family before he went back. I have to just move on. They need to believe him and he has to lie to keep the family intact.
Sep 21 - 6AM (Reply to #27)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cupcake

just tell the truth www.peepsheet.com www.stoptheact.com www.dontdatehimgirl.com www.cheatersexpose.com www.chatroomlies.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. B
Sep 20 - 3PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Ambivalent feelings =

Ambivalent feelings = passive aggressive ,Silence from him = passive aggressive .Passive aggressive =anger . The only emotion they can feel (and fear sorry ie rabbit in the headlights look when you rip off their mask ) Im so sorry you have had this kind of relationship . It is a roller coaster . The only way out of the roller coaster is no contact . My narc did his first D&D at 4 months and i just wish i remained strong , i went back 2 other times over a year and it just got worse each time . Peru x
Sep 20 - 2PM
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

no

No. They do not hurt. They only feel anger that you didnt play their game. You may not see the anger but it is there. If you invite him or accept him back in your life, you will see it. And then the punishment will come.They have no conscience. No ability to empathize. They want you to hurt.More now that you didnt give him everything he wanted. Hell. Even when you DO give them everything, they still want more. Everything you were feeling and are feeling now is normal for those of us who have had a relationship with these sick people. You will get through the pain and out the other side. Dont talk, write or correspond in any way.
Sep 20 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sorry

No. Sorry. They feel nothing but primitive rage & anger. Nothing at all. More reason for you to stay strong and stay NC. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 20 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Liberty (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Sad

Thank you all for your comments. They have helped buoy a strength that was waning somewhat as the day wore on. That you all unequivically state that he will not be hurting has made me sad. I'm still processing why I should feel this. I sense it is not for me, for I do not seek revenge or wish him ill, he is already ill enough and I suspect he is suffering because of his rage and it is this that makes me sad, for him. P, can you please explain why my ambivalence that so many I have read experience on leaving the relationship is reflective of a passive aggression position for me. I am not sure I follow, I understand how it fits with his silence but I am not sure how you equate ambivalence a rather natural emotional state following on from the dawning awareness of the narc's hateful behaviour which has to sit alongside the loving feelings. How does this fit with passive aggression? Also I'd be interested on what happen's to the narc's rage when or what causes it to dissipate/ebb? And thanks for hearing my pain, it feels such an ache, particularly as the whole liasion was extremely intense. I loved 'him'... It is easy to maintain NC because he's actually the one enforcing it. Also what does D&D mean. (I have tried to find out on the boards.) Thank you all for devoting your time to supporting me with your wisdom and strength. All good wishes, Liberty
Sep 21 - 3AM (Reply to #23)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Doh sorry on two accounts ,

Doh sorry on two accounts , i miss read that it is you feeling Ambivalence and i misunderstood the meaning of Ambivalence i thought it ment "dont care " (i sat at the back at school lol) The thing about passive aggression is it comes dressed up in many different ways .My narc recently made it know to me he was seeing someone else , in a normal relationship after 3 months of being single that wouldnt be so strange , but if you look back the week before he was asking me to sleep with him "as friends " and a couple of weeks ago he was sending me porn in an email . Because i ignored him the news of the new girlfriend may of just have been a hit round the head with a club . There is a good post on here about passive aggression and the many forms it takes which could very easily be missed in the fog after you just broken up . D&D means devalue and discard , its what a narc does after he has built you up so you feel amazing he slowly starts to chip away at you until you are kicked out the door , During this time most of us managed to rip off his mr nice guy mask and pay the price with narcissistic rage which can take many faces. NC must be your decision , he is not to be trusted to not brake it , in fact in 9 times out of 10 he will break it and try and draw you back in to the dance , It could be a week , a month or 6 months to a year or more but he will be back . In my cases the first 2 D&D he broke it with in days and this time i think it was about 2 weeks which was just enough time for me to find this site and put the breaks on . The trouble is after 5 days if he comes back you might be in such an emotional state you may start to listen to him and get drawn back in , my advice is to READ , READ and READ some more . and get your self ready for round two . Big Love and im glad you found us here . Peru x
Sep 20 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

this is why you feel that way

narcs rage when you rip off their false mask, don't respond and are no longer under their control. It never dissapates... never. They do move on to new prey but they will always be raging about you, if not AT you -- so NO CONTACT Why you feel this way: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/28/trauma-bonding-and-stockholm-syndrome http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/26/cultic-relationships http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/08/intense-attachments.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/11/should-i-react-this-way.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/08/grieving-pathological-loss.html and: This seeking of proximity is not the same thing as having bonded with her the way she has bonded with him. That level of bonding would require the full spectrum of connections in the emotional brain, which the pathological does not have. There are numerous emotions that the pathological lacks that are required for natural bonding. However, he does have the ability to “attach.” That level of attachment only requires the desire to be around a “special person” and pleasure from that person. Although pathologicals do not get much pleasure from affection, power is very pleasurable for them. Pathologicals seek others because it is through human contact that they get to experience their Central Three: power, status, and dominance. Relationships are the only avenues from which they obtain the Central Three. Pathologicals, therefore, do seek out relationships and “attach” to the people who become a vehicle for their dominance. The love bond transcends hate, so she remains bonded in spite of her loathing. In one sentence he is likely to say how attached and bonded he is and in the next sentence remind her how disposable she is or how he will leave her or the relationship. Some pathologicals don’t say it out right but “hint” or leave clues lying about that they are thinking of leaving, or they become aloof, detached, disinterested, and distant. With a complete straight face, he can say one thing and do another, do something and say the opposite, or say and do the opposite of what he did last week. These dichotomies produce serious distress in the women because of the chronic instability in the relationship. As they try to align themselves with his belief system, it shifts. As they try to align with his behaviors or promises, these shift. This constant shifting and moving keeps women off-balance and continuously striving to stabilize the relationship. This flip/flop of contradictory/opposite behavior and traits are what we refer to as the dichotomies of the pathological love relationship. The dichotomies represent the existence of both the good and the bad shown at different times in the relationship. They begin when the pathological can no longer completely function in the mirage he first created. The more invested she is, the harder it is for her to disengage from her internal relationship reward system and leave the psathological. Her high relationship investment can do nothing but benefit the pathological, while his low relationship investment has disaster written all over it for her. She thinks about leaving or takes steps to leave the relationship and that triggers profound anxiety in her. Without friends and family as support to help her manage her anxiety, she is in need of anxiety relief. When we wonder why it’s difficult for women to leave pathologicals, the difficulty is connected at least in part, to how trance has affected her state dependent learning of motivation to leave and her actual performance of leaving. - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 20 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Liberty (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Invaluable

Dear Barbara, Thank you for taking the time to direct me to what has been more than helpful. He actually said during a 'good' phase: 'I cannot believe how attached to you I have let myself become.' I recall feel a distinct chill at the time in spite of his arms wrapped 'lovingly' around me. I of course ignored this gut feeling... They really are very ill people aren't they? They need help. That an integral part of the disorder is to inform that self so broken that they are above help - is what is so sad. Thank you B. Liberty
Sep 20 - 7PM (Reply to #22)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

don't feel sorry for them AT ALL

Liberty This is not a knock at you but... this is why I tell everyone to PLEASE PLEASE take the time and go thru ALL the old pages of 'MESSAGE BOARD' and to read ALL the posts on 'MY BLOG' - it was all there. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2008/05/28/do-they-ever-regret-ditching-you It gives you time to find immediate answers without members asking the same questions repeatedly. Second: THEY ARE NOT HUMAN or PEOPLE They are the embodiment of evil http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/10/soul-slayer-psychological-evil.html Do not feel sorry for them. Feel sorry for YOU and their future victims. These creatures are BEYOND HELP - they are incurable. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 20 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I dont feel sad for mine, I only feel disgust

dont feel too sad for them, they know right from wrong, or they wouldnt put on the mask to hide behind to entice and lure. THEY KNOW ITS WRONG, THey just dont care, Take a small child who does not know right from wrong or was never taught right from wrong then you can be sad for that. These are grown adults plowing their way thru their life, yes they have a disorder but they KNOW DAMN WELL RIGHT FROM WRONG
Sep 21 - 1AM (Reply to #7)
Rose-Marie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

He said he would be "sad"

I did ask N2 how he would feel if we broke up and he said he would feel"very sad" but relieved to be released from the roller coaster ride we were on. His "sadness" did not stop him from amending his details on the dating website in double quick time though. He has never contacted me in four months, and I doubt he ever will, because I saw what was under the mask. Rosy
Sep 21 - 3AM (Reply to #18)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

My narc said "if you died

My narc said "if you died they would find me dead in a pool of my own tears " Then he sent me some anal porn .It was a beautiful thing lol . Peru x
Sep 21 - 9AM (Reply to #21)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

peru

Omg..that made me LOL @ work! oops Wow, they are just so effed up in ways most people can't even imagine.
Sep 21 - 8AM (Reply to #19)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

peru

LOL
Sep 21 - 10AM (Reply to #20)
Marie
Marie's picture

Peru

OMG, LOL!!!! Now I won't be able to read for the next few minutes the tears from laughing so hard are blinding me. They are truly a weird and rare breed.
Sep 21 - 1AM (Reply to #8)
tasha
tasha's picture

rosy

mine did that too!like liquid lightning!! he's off to find the next victim!!if they havent already got one lined up!
Sep 21 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
Liberty (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Struggling

Hello All, I have just re-read all your very kind contributions to my initial message. It is 6 days since I left him. I think I am at a stage now where the reality of what I suffered is really hitting home and it hurts. A lot. I'm not sure that I was naive, more, just so wanted it to be right. Like us all here, I too have so much love to give and blinded myself to the awareness that he was not deserving but wanted to believe he was or at least could prove himself deserving. He said to me when I ended it for the first time a month ago: "I don't believe that I deserve you." I replied "Maybe you should have acted as though you believed you did." In reading your posts it is has been so comforting. I met a friend on Saturday who was supposed to be supporting me and at the day's end she said 'Jeesh, all you've done is talk about X, I know you need to process, but he's a loser just move on.' That felt painful. I feel understood here and that is unspeakably comforting. My sadness is not at the loss of him, but at the reality of just how little I must think of myself to allow myself to be treated as disgustingly as he treated me. I feel ashamed. Barbara, I am constantly reading all the articles, but sometimes it's nice to have the warmth of human contact as I feel it by way of this medium. I feel so sad and can't stop crying. I feel such an idiot, a fool, a loser, like him. Sorry, thanks for listening. L
Sep 21 - 11AM (Reply to #17)
nhtmf
nhtmf's picture

Liberty, read some

Liberty, read some more.................I also felt like a fool and I believe most of us here have felt that way. I also think that that is what initially makes us weak. We are so busy beating ourselves up (doing the same thing he did to us, in fact) that we are, at first, unable to realize that we are intelligent enough to get help, realize he is toxic and to go no contact. Easier said than done, I still feel the fool some days, but please focus on the fact that you are OUT !!!! It hurts like hell but imagine a lifetime with this nut!!! Now that would be foolish. Deb
Sep 21 - 11AM (Reply to #16)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

liberty

Get this into yourself, ok? You are NOT a loser! You did not choose this! You were manipulated! He is a sick b**tard. It is NOT your fault. You were conned! It's highly unlikely that you said to yourself.."Wow! Here comes a sadistic predator! Let me get some of that!" Right? RIGHT! You dont have to take responsibility for what happened. You were a victim. Meat for the N animal. But you need to take responsibility for your healing now. Which I think you are doing. ~Free to Be~
Sep 21 - 11AM (Reply to #10)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

liberty

Oh liberty, I'm so sorry..I know how incredibly hard this is. You've only been away 6 days, this is so fresh. I was bumping into walls for the first 3 weeks or so. I felt like my body was just floating everywhere, I was in la-la land...felt abandoned, hopeless, would I EVER feel better? My exN kept saying the same thing a couple of weeks before he left - "I don't deserve you"...crap like that. In other words, 'prepare yourself, I'm about to screw you over again'. Ugggh! Unfortunately, you will get that from people, the 'move on' garbage. It's soooo wrong of them to say, but most don't know how to handle this unless they are familiar with pathological break-ups! Tell your therapist, come here and vent. In order for me not to keep feeling like the world was abusing me, I stopped talking about it to others. It's either that, or stupid comments that are intential or unintentinal (in most cases)...but it still hurts, no matter if the person thinks they're just helping! Barbara posted something recently about feeling 'stupid'( I think??) that we were duped like this. I encourage you to keep reading. This forum is full of strong, intelligent, amazing women --and a few men -- who were masterfully manipulated into believing in someone who didn't deserve it. If you're stupid, then I am too. But honestly, we are not...I hope you come to realize this. Give yourself time and permission to grieve -- this IS A LOSS, no matter how bad they were, it's still a loss. Don't let anyone rush you in your healing...you are the determining factor of that. Big hugs!
Sep 21 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Liberty

I know it is painful, and it should be. To get through to the other side, you can't around it. You just have to walk through the fire and know that YOU WILL be okay. The pain does end. I promise. You'll be angry, you'll be hurt, eventually you will feel nothing but disgust for him, and then you will feel nothing at all.
Sep 21 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Liberty (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You are all so kind, thank you.

Dear All, I am crying, but this time out of hope and love, yes, love I think. Your kindness has touched me profoundly and ironically in the awareness of my emotional response to such authentic concern and kindliness, generoisty of self that you have all shown in your own unique and beautiful ways, I am too aware of how 'abuse' is what I have come to know as 'love'.... Quietude, your words 'bumping into walls' particularly struck a chord and normalised a frightening awareness that during (but I ignored it) and especially now, I am literally knocking into things, dizzied by so many thoughts and emotions, that I literally have lost the sense of self and as such become physically disabled, confused, directionless, forgetful. I know that I have to stay with the pain and heal through and not around it, I guess this is why I gravitated toward this site, an awareness that I would need support in place before allowing myself to come face to face with the reality of what I have endured. To know that the pain is finite makes staying with it that little more bearable. I realise that it is not in my interest to talk with people who don't understand. I think what hurt about this friend's comments was that she escaped from a N after 3 years of physical as well as emotional abuse, interestingly it is only onm account of my showing my pain that she is now mourning the loss of that relationship that ended 2 years ago. I hate him. I hate that he still pervades my thoughts however I endeavour to distract myself it as though he is under my skin. Sometimes I suddenly 'sense' he's 'round the corner' or going to put his arms around me as if he will appear out of nowhere and this is especially insane making (whatever about the NC) because we are in different parts of the nation. I hate him, I hate him I hate him. I hate him. I hope he is contorted in his own misery of emptiness. May he suffer for what he did to me. Thank you for helping me allow myself to say what I just said, it feels both scary and freeing. Now I feel as though I don't deserve your kindness, but I know these are 'old tapes' playing. This is so hard. Sorry. Liberty
Sep 22 - 7PM (Reply to #15)
seekingPeace (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I feel your pain, left my N 3 1/2 weeks ago....

Liberty, I understand EVERYTHING you are going thru and my heart goes out to you because I am bleeding so badly from what my "N" did to me as well. I had to join this blog after reading your post. The people that knew us thought he was MR. Perfect with his charming smile, proud posture, how "religious" he appeared to be. Also he was all over me affectionately in front of other people and practically spoon fed me and waited on me like a princess while out in public. But underneath it all I was in a constant state of anguish and uncertainty. In between the "public" displays in church of how wonderful he seemed to be, he would abandon me and treat me as an afterthought. He was like Jekyll and Hyde for sure. There were so many "punishments" given to me anytime I was anything other than the barbie doll , robot he brainwashed me to be. He took me off the shelf for public events, told everyone I was going to be his wife, told me so and so has " a ring guy", then would make plans for himself and his future that did not involve me at all and when I questioned where I fit into his future based on his plans and not including me all of a sudden, FIRST he would shut me out for days not take my calls, then when he came around would tell me all of the "bad " things I did to deserve this . When he did "allow" me to be in his company he would keep me at a distance where I was unable to get any emotional intimacy with him. He would make me feel like he was doing me a favor by having an occasional cup of coffee with me. But he would make sure to pepper our converations with talk of houses and babies and weddings. I fell for it I was pretty convinced I was getting engaged ! I LOVED HIM SO MUCH DESPITE THe ABUSE! I could go on and on with stories of emotional abuse, lies, hippocracy.. Ultimately during the most recent withdrawl he went and got himself a house ! Told me I should be happy for him , when I reminded him we were planning on doing it together, he got angry at how "selfish I was" and shut me down for a couple days and then told me he had to do this for himself. When I reminded him how he implied to me and our church and our families we were getting engaged, he told me I had too many problems for him to consider engagemet. ( meanwhile a week before told me he did a pros and cons list of me and there were no cons and that he knew I was his wife.) It was the last straw my heart was shattered, I had rearranged my entire life based on his broken promises. I finally dumped him. He told me I was making a huge mistake, showed no remorse at all just stared at me in total disbelief with huge eyes (rage?) and watched me walk away. I never heard from him again. Now I am left with flashbacks galore mostly bad, trying to pick up the peices and stop the bleeding. Liberty, I feel your pain I am so proud of you for breaking free from him. He was LAME and rotten to you!
Sep 22 - 2AM (Reply to #14)
Marie
Marie's picture

Liberty

My heart goes out to you. The line you wrote towards the end repeating "I hate him" in my journal there are so many entries with this same line. Those early days are all such a blur but they were a blur then too. I cried for days. One day I actually dragged myself out to get groceries but had to leave the cart in the store because of the song that came on. I remember ordering a lot of take out, late payments on bills, housework out of control; life was just a mess. My head felt like it was in a constant fog, I would walk into rooms not knowing why I was there and I was forever misplacing things. Honestly I never thought I'd feel good about anything again. I hated my N too so much now I feel nothing for him. I want to hate him but I no longer care. Believe it or not that day will come for you too. I was once obsessive too with thoughts of him. I cyber stalked him for awhile to see what he was up to. I actually found emails for some of the women he knows and was going to email them all about him but stopped myself. The one woman he introduced me to I'll never forget how she looked at him. You could see she was smitten with him. I'm sure she'd never believe me. That's all past now. Now as long as I don't hear from him or have run ins with him I could care less. I still toy with the idea of posting a blog about him because I'd hate to hear of anyone else being hurt. It took me a year to get where I am but within six months of my break up I was starting to get back on track. It's not an instant thing but brighter days do come as long as you never go back. It does take time and work. You have to get out there and get active in your life. If there are days you want to curl up and cry that's ok too as long as those days grow less as time goes on. I do recommend journaling and a support group, these are the two things I found most helpful. Many hugs!