help! i thought i could handle it, but he just cut me off..

18 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 10 - 8PM

Tinker

help! i thought i could handle it, but he just cut me off..

i thought i could see him and move away slowly, date other men, understand who he was and emotionally let go.

today, we were supposed to get together (i.e., sex) and i wasn't feeling well and hadn't been sleeping. i asked him to come to me this one time. he was all up for seeing me until i said that. then he backed off completely, said he's sick (i had mentioned on a previous post that he said he has three types of cancer, stage 3 - not true). when i said "we're all dying", it obviously pissed him off and he basically dumped me.

i am a mess. please tell me this is for the good???

he does nothing for me, can't depend on him for anything, yet i have to admit i'm so addicted to just him, physically and emotionally, no matter what. why is that? does this pain stop? how do i get past this?

thanks so much, this site has been a saving grace for me, but now the whole N-thing has really hit home. last time he cut me off, i was in bed for almost 3 weeks (except for work). I can't go through that again.

help.....

#2 Oct 11 - 12AM

Briseis

The pain won't stop until

The pain won't stop until you stop putting yourself near him. The way to end this pain is to be willing to endure the pain of NOT contacting him, discovering that not contacting him will not drive you insane, or turn you into a vegetable. This way the pain ends forever. It is so opposite of what we want to do, that it's almost the hardest thing to understand at first. The pain you have when you go NC is temporary. It won't last forever. You'll survive it and if you grit your teeth for a while . . . you will start to feel BETTER. You'll start to wonder why you were abusing yourself by being around him, letting him use you and ditch you like that. It will make sense to stay NC once you get through those first hard days. You are already making progress by realizing you are addicted to a real nutjob (three types of stage 3 cancer, good lord). Now the next time you start "craving" him, you come here, there's always someone here. There are email addresses of folks that Betty can give you to talk more in depth. It won't get rid of all the pain, but it will diminish it enough to show you that you can get through it :) Ending this relationship is not like ending a normal one. That's why there is a forum like this, and a growing amount of literature and public awareness. Ending a Narc relationship is extremely hard. You need support, education and a big loving community to help you through :)

#3 Oct 10 - 9PM

onwithmylife

Marissa

first the bad news , he is going to keep using and abusing you until YOU cut him OFF, the good news is You will get better but it it a tough road ahead and you have to have the determination and will to cut him off and out of your life, not easy, it has taken me a long time to work through this man out of my system and at times I did not know if I oculd do it. i cried myself to sleep for so many nights i lost count, he discarded me left and right for years and years and i kept coming back like a little puppy dog until my epiphany and a hateful letter from him brought me to the realization that he would never change unless something major happens in his life and that, I do not hold my breathe on. What type of moron would fake cancer and not be reliable, you are just a sex object to him, well cut that part out and let him find another supply, you are not his sex doll.work on yourself and your issues and in time you will meet the right guy.......My mother use to tell me NO MAN is worth giving your life over to, she was right.......It is an addiction, I knew that to that is why it was the hardest thing in my life to recover from..

#4 Oct 11 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

Tinker

Onwithmylife

so true, after 24 hrs, i heard from him. thought it would be november plus. i got crazy seeing there was an email from him. you're right, it was the addiction. how did you recover from that?? i'd love to know.........

#5 Oct 12 - 12AM (Reply to #12)

phoenix and django

Live and let live!

if you ladies only know how long i have watched you recover and others coming to this site, and the membership is growing. i just finished "Bad Boy to Bad Men" by a Dr. Black. He really covers a study of how these guys started out and their mental illness escalates until in their 40's or 50's. Basically they lose their looks- chrismatic charm, and think about it you can not drink, drug, and have promiscuous sex all those years and it not ruin your health. He mentions how this disorder is always folded in with alcohol and drugs. The dishonesty of alcoholism and the selfishness of drug addiction which leads them to black outs, promiscuous sex-with all the unwanted prenancies, std,HIV, e.g. . . i think you get my point, effects the entire family. Most alcoholics effect at least 10 people in their circle of influence. Okay so here we have a P,N,APD, and we can use the entire alphabet to label these very sick, angry, hopless, walking dead people that can not get honest, are not willing to look at their side of their street, and definitely do not learn from their past mistakes. He said since they are aware of right and wrong, and can look at their illness, they could change their behavior. This i why alcoholic, and addicts, have to get clean before they can act their way into better living. It does not matter what they think, want, but they are sponsored to take the right action, get honest, willing, and open minded in their recovery. And some of their sponsors are not well either. When our N,P,APD, dont ever adress their thinking, because they need a psychic change so their brain will function properly, and most dont ever have that spiritual experience, because they can not get honest, they are emotionally stunted from the time they started using, this is why they do not have tools to handle life. They only know their selfishness, and believe it or not it KILLS THEM.. . if their allowed to pursue it into the gates of insanity, jails and death. They will lie, and lie, and after awhile they belief the false before the truth. its a soul sickness, a spiritulal malady, they are walking deadmen.Thats their fate. They are all good at turning the tables, sucking us into their madness, blaming us, and some of us react in very sick behavior that we have to suffer the consequences from. They are GRAMMY ACTORS! Think about most actors or entertainers, they have these types of addictions, most of ours never made it to the stage or screen, even though they had the looks, and thats what they loathe about themselves with their selfcentered fear. They are really used to living a lie, and their lives are truly unmanageable. Clear, kind boundaries, and not allowing ourselves to believe one word, but asking them to show us by their actions they mean what they say. Then they can earn trust. We all know how far this goes, but when we define that boundary, we protect ourselves from getting hurt. My P, was angry because I just did not trust him And believe me he was gorgeous, sexy, an artist, and could say the perfect thing. In fact at times after sex my equilibrium was off balance, i thinked he had no idea of how he could open my kundalini energy channels. I would have to lean against the wall to walk. He had no idea, how he effected me. Back to the Trust topic, I would tell him trust is earned with me, its just not given. I could see his face become perturbed, and then I would say - you are talking about a childlike faith, that is only given to a God of my understanding, not a pair of trousers. He hated having to prove himself, but he was caught before he was ever caught. It was so hard for him to make his actions to match his fabulous vocabulary. I giggle now becaus I had no idea what he was. I was thinking tonight, they are like a dog that has rabbies. Here at one time you have this beautiful loyal loving friend in your life, but as the stages of their rabbies get worse you can no longer trust them, then you have to lock them away, because they are sick and contagious, DANGEROUS! If they do bite us we have to take those painful shots for many months to get better. So dont get to close when they are foaming at the mouth, and watch their actions, if it does not match what is coming out of their mouth, well I dont think I need to say anymore. They are sick, and we only get sicker if we think we can go to them for anything. They are like a emotional dried up well. When I would not let mine control me, and believe me he tried, he ran away. D and D. But I believe God does for us what we can not do for ourselves. So make a gratitude list of the good things now that they are gone. Or if they are not gone, Detach in a loving way, before they D&D you. But do it with Dignity and Grace. It does work. Set healthy boundaries that take care of you. I am glad to have you here tonight. The healthier you get the more they stay clear of you, because they can not mirror your healthy soul. They are too selfish, and they get no NS from you. When your healthy they are not your God. Just remember a Pair of Trousers is not our God. They are so sick, Detach with Love because thats who we are, and we get to get better. When we start not being sucked into their drama, and go about our lives, reach our goals, take care of our health, enjoy our friends, they donot get supply, and they are lost, but they do start to envy us. Healthy they dont know how to mimick that. And we start feeling healthier. They can not suck the life energy out of us. It the invisible force field of Love that we have!

#6 Oct 12 - 11AM (Reply to #13)

Tinker

bad boys

thank you so much for this post. it was so welcome this morning, i had to read it twice. you sound so together! after thinking i wouldn't hear from him, i did the next day. as usual, i said the wrong thing, he raged and cut me off again. but compared to last summer when i really broke down, i can come on this site and identify him in all your stories and it helps my anxiety and resolve. some aren't as obviously as the bad men you describe, but it's all there. i do still find myself falling into the same patterns of thought (get him back! make everything all right!) but i understand that this will kill me later if not sooner and i have to stop.

#7 Oct 12 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

Briseis

Marissa

You too sound like you are getting it together :) I can see that in your post where you say that your anxiety and fear are much less after each incident. That is huge progress :) I do agree that if your emotions and inner life get to a certain super-low point, where we are in misery most of the time and see no end in sight . . . our bodies start to break down. I do think good ladies have suffered terrible diseases that led to death because they did not get OUT of the arena before it was too late :(

#8 Oct 13 - 6PM (Reply to #15)

Tinker

Briseis

my intuitist from MT has been warning me about him since the start. she told me last summer that he would one day humiliate me so badly that even i (the tolerant, understanding one) wouldn't be able to take it, and she was right. it happened last night. he wrote me something so cold and abusive it made me flush, especially since he made plans in the same email to see me. i've ignored the last 4 emails which i've never been able to do. i'm determined not to go back. i could never have gotten to this point without this site. Briseis, you're so right about getting sick. it sucks all your emotional energy to be with these N's, and leaves nothing left to feed your own body and soul. can you imagine if we got our energy and power back and we all put it to good use?!?

#9 Oct 13 - 6PM (Reply to #16)

Briseis

"can you imagine if we got

"can you imagine if we got our energy and power back and we all put it to good use?!?" I'm living it. After having been just where you are. Not perfect or stunning :D just normal :)

#10 Oct 11 - 11PM (Reply to #11)

MsVulcan500

Exactly what OWML said. It

Exactly what OWML said. It takes time and hard work on yourself. And you have the power to stop it. Only you. And like she said it is a tough road, but it can be done. Read what she wrote again because she is right on with her advice.

#11 Oct 10 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

Tinker

i keep coming back too...

i've never begged to anyone, ever never even been rejected like this and it makes me crazy. never wanted anyone so badly. he brings up the cancer (3 types, all stage 3) any time things go bad w/us. he tells me he's never loved anyone else, but i think other women just won't put up with his crap like i do and leave him pretty quick. how long did it take you to get him out of your system? other men seem boring in comparison tho i KNOW there's a better 2-way relationship out there. how do u get past that feeling of knowing how bad it is for you but want it so much?

#12 Oct 10 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

onwithmylife

everyone is different

Marissa, wish I had that good old crystal ball to tell you exactly, some people get over it faster,I was one of the slower learners, but then again I spent a decade and a half with the man and more discards then I can count and still believed he would change because of my love. I now, with eyes wide open realize there are plenty of mean, ,sick people in the world who care only for themselves and even then with self hatred and rage at their mothers or fathers, that they take out on us poor unsuspecting slobs.It to me is kinda like a hole you have to slowly climb out of and it is not easy, that is all i can say . You will see the light but you have to do the work. Gain self worth and self respect, I will never let a man treat me that way ever again.............

#13 Oct 10 - 8PM

apple

Suprise!! I'm an Ass one more time!!!!

Marissa, You must TAKE YOUR POWER BACK!!! You CAN do it! Don't let him do this to you. Act like you don't care and don't return any of his phone calls, texts~ NOTHING!!! Do not give him the satisfaction of having you completly heart sick and unable to function. It hurts but you are stong enough to do it. I know you are. He is not worth one second of you crying over him. These Narcs are so selfish, confusing and shameless. Chin up!!! Tomorrow is day one of a better life!!! xoxoxo

#14 Oct 10 - 8PM

agnesmurphy17

He's Sick?

But he's still up for sex? But only if the woman comes to him? Hmm. And, now what is it that is so attractive about a man who lies about Stage 3 cancer? And, a man who is not able to bring you chicken soup when you feel unwell. Why move away slowly & date other men? If you've decided it's over & he's not making you happy, then why see him? Why do that to yourself? The pain will stop when you stop seeing him. Pain is inevitable when one is involved with a narcissist. And, I promise you, he'll be back. Why not? Maybe you'll be feeling better & willing to come over. What does he have to loose? Nothing. Maybe he'll get lucky. You mean nothing to him. If you're there. That's nice. If you're not there, oh well. Either way. He does only what he wants, when he wants, on his terms. Do you think he's at all upset that you're not with him? Is he writing to some on line forum about his disappointment, grief & love for you? Nope. he's proabably got another woman visiting him as I write.

#15 Oct 10 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

Tinker

so upsetting to read, but so

so upsetting to read, but so true, thank you. all of you keep me from writing him again, asking for one more chance... you're right, we've been thru awful times, awful fights and he still came back. why does your promise that he'll be back give me hope instead of sicken me, as it should? he does get upset when we're on the rocks, drinks too much, but i guess that's a loss of supply not grieving the loss of a relationship. if it bothered him so much, he'd work on the relationship not be so ready to cut it off. thank you so much.

#16 Oct 10 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

apple

I know what you mean!!

I have also been on the purgatory merry go round for far too long!! I also know what its like to want to sleep your life away when you don't feel strong enough to get out of bed after a D&D or rage attack. The hope is really the worst thing The hope that they will see how much they love us and then change. Hope that they will start treating us with common decency. He will be back~when it suits him. This time you must go NC. How many years has this been going on for? I tried to find your story. You must realize that you deserve so much better than this treatment. You should read what Jen79 wrote on some of my posts. About being addicted to the emotional and sexual up and downs with him. They might help. Stay stong!! NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC

#17 Oct 10 - 8PM

TNR1

Hang in there....

I too have been under the spell of "one more time". I think Ns can sense when you aren't as into them as you once were so they will pull out quicker in order to be able to say it was their idea. Remember, in their minds, this is all a game and they want to win at all costs...so stricking first is something that they do (believe me, Mr. N did the exact same thing...planned a date, didn't show, I was devistated). The fact is, any number of things could have been "wrong", not just the fact that you felt sick, again, these guys make up the rules and the rules keep changing!! Also, I wouldn't count him out from coming back. Ns have a tendency to view anyone they have ever been with as NS, so don't be surprised if he comes circling back to see if he can get another sex experience with you. Right now, allow yourself to feel exactly what you feel and remind yourself 10, 20, 100 times that you did nothing wrong. There is nothing you could have done to make it better. That's the sad thing about N relationships...it truly is all about him.

#18 Oct 10 - 8PM

MsVulcan500

Marissa,

OK, hon, you need to pull it together. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Again. But you have an advantage this time. You were already sort of emotionally detaching. This is why we say NC, that you can't be friends or "friends" with N's. This time is going to be different because you have been reading and learning and now you are seeing the facts. I'm not saying it's not going to hurt, but if you were really detaching some, then it shouldn't be as crippling as before. And now you know what you need to do for you. Stay far away from him and go NC immediately. No explanations, no excuses, no goodbyes, nothing. Just drop off the face of the earth as far as he is concerned. You have all the tools here and the knowledge and concern of all of these really smart women to help you get past this. Keep reading and posting and the help and guidance, then the peace, will come. Good luck and we are all here for you.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews