Help With No Contact

Hi! New to this site, but not new to Narcissism. My mom is, an ex-boss, some friends along the way, my 1st hub, my 2nd hub, a religious polyamorous guru, and now my bf of 1.5 yrs. Yeah, you would think I'd know better by now. Coupled with that, I have a real degree in this stuff!:( I guess I thought my knowledge and experience could handle it or control it. Ridiculous. Anyway, the Cliff notes for what I need help with: Beginning of this current relationship was 2 months post-divorce a marriage of 20 yrs (N, porn-addict, psychopath, financial and emotional abuse). New N was typical OMG fantastic, then I could see I was subtlely being "groomed" to accommodate his likes and dislikes, whether it be a specific brand of soft drink to always have in stock all the way to buying him a car. Had he have asked me to buy the car in the beginning I would have opted out, but desensitization to reality doesn't happen overnight. In between that I will confess that I paid his rent for a year, expunged a record for domestic violence (of course it was in self-defense, right?), did his homework (yeah, he's a 14 year veteran of college trying to get his degree so his real career can begin all the while amassing major financial aid debt), started and funded a business for him that will likely fail, gave him money for his babys' mom when she needed it, frequently dropped what I was doing to attend to his emergency of the week, and at all times strived to make his world a better place. In return, I received debt, a constant reminder that whatever I was doing wasn't good enough, that OW have done more, and that he didn't "HAVE to be with me" cause there were so many women that would be thrilled with him if I wasn't. I am a grown, intelligent, attractive, educated woman - why I entertained this, I don't know. Familiar, I guess. Or maybe it was the last 10 years of my marriage without sex that kept me hooked to the man who was providing the best sex of my life. Shallow, I know.

Yes, he is good-looking, but who cares, if he's an ass. Daily, I was told stories of all the women who noticed or hit on him and all the men who envied him and then when I told him I really didn't care to hear it, I was accused of being insecure, insensitive, and I had trust issues. And he did not want to "disrespect" his babies' mom by telling her or them I was a big part of his life because his kids would think less of him and he was afraid his ex would put him on child support or bring men into his kids' lives. So during his "family time" it was frowned upon contacting him.

Fast forward....when I closed my wallet about a month ago to his financial needs, I began to see a shift. He would be very agitated if I would spend MY money on anything and bring up how he was living on "crumbs". He began to plan time with me, but then something would come up and he would show up at 9pm or later, eat a home-cooked meal, we would do his homework, sex, and then wake up and he would need to head out for important things....like the gym and unannounced visits to fellow-unemployed friends. When this happened a couple of nights ago, I told him just not to come over, I was tired, and furthermore tired of this routine as it made me feel used and low-priority. He said, "Are you getting an attitude with me? I don't need this shit." and hung up. Silent treatment for 2 days (yay! vacation), then he texts and says, "I appreciate the help you have given me. I love you, but I can't be with someone who doesn't value me. I need to get my school books because I need to pass my classes, with or without you."

Here's the thing, aside from being PISSED, I need to get his crap to him without him triggering the reflex I have gotten so many times before. I feel like I'm returning a puppy I adopted to the shelter, so guilty, combined with shame that I've been such an idiot and gave beyond my means to make HIM happy with virtually NOTHING in return. I certainly could have bettered my kids lives at least. I have got to turn the corner this time - I've gotten to this point but he always comes back and it's easier just to go with it. My life depends on not allowing this to happen again. The emotional pain right now is so awful. If I could move, I would. Thinking of just leaving a rubbermaid bin of his belongings on his porch and just not responding...?