Helpful

G Morn...
I was going to post last night the same post I have many times before. About how I have strong desire to email him telling him he is an N, how he hurt me, that he is fake, he is evil, etc. I want to try and get closure, try to put a label on the whole situation so I can stop analyzing it.

I wrote him a long email, I read it over and over to make sure it had the right dose of " shock and awe". I pictured him reading the email, and getting upset and missing me and wanting me. And my sensible side kicked in and I realized how pathetic the email was. I deleted it.

I wanted to post here, and get the wonderful, supportive responses I always get from the forum. But I keep posting the same stuff and I keep getting the same responses. It's as if I am waiting for replies that tell me what part of me wants to hear...that he loves me, wants me, he will change, he misses me, etc. Even though another part f me knows that is not true.

Breaking NC AGAIN was so brainless of me. Now I am starting day 3 of NC AGAIN. I need to stop this cycle. He doesn't care, I was not good enough for "him", and its not my job to try and fix him. I will not be " the one" that helps him change.

There is no speculating for me. I caught him red handed in his lies, I had ex GFs of his leave me messages telling me their experiences with him. Different women, but SAME stories almost verbatim. The same EXACT sweet words and fake stories he told them as well. So I have it all in black and white, I consider myself a smart woman, but this is beyond me still, that I keep thinking he is a good person. Why? Because the sex was good before first D & D? That's all it was for him. I was just a minor hiccup in his string of bad dates and relationships with OW. I was nothing to him.

But i keep thinking it was something, the something I wanted it to be. ExN was my escape from the reality that I am not as happily married as everyone thinks I am. My H is N too. But he is the kind of N that everyone loves and adores. He was put on a pedestal since he was born. He is great man, handsome, good dad, a great catch....but I realize not for me anymore. For 20 years I have built up resentment because I have catered to his need to be right and have " one up" on EVERYONE. He will go out of his way to prove he is right, even if it about a silly thing, like the price of coffee or something stupid like that. He ALWAYS has an answer even if he not asked, and he ALWAYS suggests a better way for me or kids to do EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING. I didn't realize how uptight of a person he is until he had to retire early from an injury on the job few years ago.

Anyway, I went off on tangent there. But I found it helpful to go to the first post on the forum and read my way backwards. I read stuff that could have been my story. I found it extremely helpful.

Thanks for listening to my chatter again. Have an NC day