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He's leaving the country

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#1 Dec 28 - 1AM
curlygirl
curlygirl's picture

He's leaving the country

Hi everyone,

Finally, after three and a half months since my final D&D, with no contact over Christmas, I was feeling light in the last few days - like I'd turned a corner. I ran into my narc in the city I live in in mid-Dec and was pleasant but brief and it felt so good to have my head held high as I walked away. I've been reading so much on the boards in the last week and I have absolutely no doubt now that he's a pathological. My therapist was the first one to use the word "narcissist" and he also has a bunch of borderline traits, including self harm (he would have these crazy, raw welts on his torso and when I asked what the heck had happened said he was a "scratcher").

So. The more I've learned, the more relieved I've been to know that while I was definitely losing my self and my marbles there towards the end - it wasn't me. I didn't start the crazy behaviour in him and I wasn't ever going to be able to find the magic key to getting back to the gorgeous honeymoon period where I was falling in love with first four months man and assumed that was the way he was going to stay.

Spoke to a friend today whose husband works with ex-narc - she was amazing when we broke up and I love her to pieces. She's the only remaining link to him and a few weeks after the breakup gave it to me straight in terms of how he's seen in the workplace. Basically -as an A1 narc - he'll try to take credit for other people's work, won't share information or work in teams and constantly fails to meet deadlines. It was a relief to know that the behaviors he was showing with me after the honeymoon weren't confined to our relationship.

Haven't spoken to her for a couple weeks and she just got back from Christmas vacation. We had a great talk and halfway through she said "by the way, guess who's leaving the country?" Turns out that his contract hasn't been renewed which means he's lost his right to work here. He had always planned to return home, so this isn't a huge surprise, but the fact that he's essentially been booted out and doesn't get a say is new-news. And ... it has made me sad (?!???!!!???) I have no idea why. Maybe I was still thinking that in a year or so we'd run into each other and he'd have had a personality tranplant - or would give me some sort of explanation for his crazy behavior.

I know that this is not rational. I know that any further contact would be more heartbreak. He's at least been totally off-radar for all these months, I haven't had to deal with what so many other do in terms of his being intrusive - partly because he should still be in honeymoon mode with my replacement. It's helped with the healing and I'm grateful.

So why on earth should I be sad, of all things, that he's going to be permanently gone in a few months? He's been permanently gone since April of this year and it took months of D&D for the end to really come. That in itself was months ago - so what's up with my heart taking a battering, again, and when does this end???

Curly.

Dec 28 - 6PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

curlygirl

I was devastated too at first after I was D&D'd and mine went back to his country. I'm know it hurts, and I'm sorry you're dealing with that...but ~ Now it's like, hallelujah! It would be very difficult for him to try and screw with me under these circumstances. I know it's so hard to see right now, but ultimately, it's really a good thing. I think because it seems 'final-final', not just final? It feels like the last nail in the coffin, and no matter how much of a creep he is, you still felt something for him. Nothing to be ashamed of, it's perfectly normal.
Dec 28 - 11AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

They have a special gift for

They have a special gift for getting into your emotional world as whatever it is that you are looking for-then when they know you feel safe with them they attack. He is unable to fake love for very long but the thrill for him is in making you afraid, anxious, and by making you have a breakdown. It is some crazy emotional chess game. It is about control and manipulation. There is a hormonal high that comes when women think they have found their 'prince', or their rescuer, or their soul-mate, and the narcissist is able to play the 'game' until you are comfortable and feel safe then he snaps the trap and you are in trouble. On the job his lack of ability to perform in groups and his personality has gotten him in trouble. Personnel people always say that only a small percent of people lose their jobs because of their lack of skills or poor performance 90% of people who lose their jobs do so because of their personality. Your emotional feeling for the high you first got from him is where you need to do some work. Intellectually you know he was nuts but it is hard to tell your subconscious that. It is truly amazing with all of this power they have over people that they don't win. They get thrown out of peoples lives, jobs,families etc and they cannot change or learn from their past mistakes. It just goes round and round. Make a nice list of things you want for New year, dress the list up with some good clip art etc, read it at midnight on New years, and then read it everyday for the next year. You will be surprised how it works out.
Dec 28 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
curlygirl
curlygirl's picture

Thanks ladies

You're right - especially about the emotional chess game Carolyn, that's a fantastic description. And it is NOT love. It was love for me for many months but now that I look back I think I was just a stick to beat his wife with while his divorce was finalizing. She was the devil, naturally, and now they're back in touch (this was a stick used to beat me with at the end of the relationship, nice full circle moment). I have no idea why she's still in contact with him after what he put her through. Monica, I am grateful - from the neck up ;-) Had things not come to a head in August and had I not stayed away after the final D&D (I think he was expecting me to make contact/go back/email) then I might actually be getting on a plane with him to try to make a life halfway across the world, away from my friends, family and support network - who I barely saw for months because he needed all my attention, all the time. I realized this morning that the D&D actually began fairly early on - because he was making plans (which changed daily) to go home in 2010 and from about eight weeks into our relationship was talking about us both moving together. He had wanted me to move in with him as soon as his ex wife left the country and I said it was too soon (strike one). Then last April when he was talking about the move that he's now making, I said that I didn't know whether I would be making it with him, as it was way too soon in our relationship to make that kind of commitment when we were still getting to know each other (strike two). And that my family and friends were too important to me to be so far away from on a whim (strike three). The acting out, going missing, being aloof and drinking binges started pretty soon after that. I have to give myself some props for being able to stick up for myself, at least in the early stages of the relationship. He's in a financial hole of his own making right now having rented a house that was way too expensive for one person (I refused, again, to move in with him when he moved house). I think his wanting to live together was more about his inability to be alone and wanting someone to split bills with/share the load in caring for his dog than it ever was about me. Every time I drew a boundary, I paid for it and while I wasn't the one to call things off, I welcomed it when he did, reacted calmly and told him that I was grateful he had done something that I just didn't have the strength to do. I lost big, important chunks of myself in the relationship and should have stayed gone when I broke things off two months before the final breakup. I was still hoping. But if I hadn't kept some boundaries, and had moved in with him, been onboard with making a huge move to the other side of the world - if I had been a good girl and played along ... I might not have seen him until I had packed up my life and was totally isolated in a new place with only narc for "support." He's a genius at Tom Sawyering other people (woman) into doing things for him and his new gf is going to be packing him up, helping with admin, and making arrangements if she's still around. If she hasn't seen "him" yet, she may well either be going with him - or will be heartbroken that the love of her life is heading off into the sunset without a backward glance. I am really, really glad that I'm not in her shoes. Still feeling sad and exhausted today - but I think I'm just sick of this thing evolving. When he's gone there really will be no more news and that will be a good thing. Carolyn, you're also right about the narc now "winning." They win the battles (hence the fact that we're left bleeding when they're done) but they never win the war. His Mother (who he'll be going to live with in the short term) cut him out of her for six months after he bailed halfway through a vacation she'd taken with him last year. Now he's lost his job. And I could never figure out why he didn't have any friends - but while we were together he's invite people over for dinner (to see whether they were "worthy" - his words, swear to God) then would be enthusiastic about them for about a month and then D&D for no reason. He can't keep a relationship with friends, his family or coworkers - his only way of staying connected is through a romantic relationship where he's using someone's feelings for him as a means of control. Okay this is an epic - sorry folks, I guess I needed to vent this morning. I have to remember that this too shall pass, eventually. There was life before and there will be life afterwards. Curly x
Dec 28 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Emotional chess game

'They have a special gift for getting into your emotional world as whatever it is that you are looking for-then when they know you feel safe with them they attack. 'He is unable to fake love for very long but the thrill for him is in making you afraid, anxious, and by making you have a breakdown. It is some crazy emotional chess game. It is about control and manipulation. There is a hormonal high that comes when women think they have found their 'prince', or their rescuer, or their soul-mate, and the narcissist is able to play the 'game' until you are comfortable and feel safe then he snaps the trap and you are in trouble.' Carolyn this is brill and just where i am at at the moment. You have put it into words. Lately i have been feeling really mixed up. I remembered when about a year ago he showed signs (in hindsight)of wanting to leave. I joined websites for single parents.He never left. When he left this time it was not long after i told him about a girl at uni who was a single parent and i remember saying i wouldn't like that to be me now. So theres the example of them waiting until they have got you in the right emotional place. He also made sure i had a near breakdown about it cos he left when i was still feeding my 8 month old and i wasn't quite with it still after the birth etc. It was such a shock. I wonder if he sensed that a man is needed at that time to protect and take care of the woman who is taking care of the baby. It goes against biology doesn't it. He must've known that would hurt the most.
Dec 28 - 10AM
4joys4
4joys4's picture

curlygirl

I know in my brain why we do this. But in my heart and soul, I get so confused. I made it through christmas with no contact. But all the talk of the new year and fresh starts, and also, I must admit, the pain of him NOT contacting me on christmas..all of this made me sad and so i wrote an email saying Happy New Year and I hope we might have peace. I know I should have no contact. I do really well sometimes. It was hard seeing everyone with someone this holiday. It made me sad. He is very good at not contacting me. Once it was plain that I wouldnt have him back, he stopped pretty much. But I am still hurting and hurt people do these things I guess.
Dec 28 - 10AM
Monica
Monica's picture

I am envious of you, Curlygirl

The distance between you and him will be greatly increased and you will be closer to being free of him forever. I still have business ties to my xN and I only dream of the day when those ties will be completely and finally broken and I can have total and complete NC. I am still always on edge having that one last connection to him. Of course you are sad....you still hope for the return of that guy at the beginning, the guy who never really was, the guy who you hope deep down inside really does exist and might come back one day to stay. But we all know, in our hearts and in our gut, that that guy never really existed and, therefore, cannot come back on any permanent basis. He had you brainwashed and manipulated and under his control. And no one can come out from under that crap right away. It takes a lot of time and a lot of talk and therapy and work and refocusing on ourselves instead of THEM. You are only 8 months out right now...according to Barbara it takes a good year and a half or so to get to a decent place for us. I think you are well on your way.