HI everyone I'm new here but known about NPD for years need to talk about STOPPING

I'm so grategul to be here. Oh wow! I had to leave therapy for awhile which I loved because my insurance won't cover a dime of it (don't you LOVE this country's idea that mental health has no place in medicine??!!). Anyway, briefly, I am very ashamed to admit that I'm married and had one affair several years back with a man from my high school, and THEN had a texting, non-physical affair with another man from my high school! - both, very, very serious NPD's. To make a long story short, I have had rounds of cutting off both of them, and as it stands right now I have defriended both on Facebook, and I vowed that the texting ex I would not text anymore. Any time I have contact, I become so depressed afterwards that I simply can't function, and I have a big job and two children to take care of, and a home, and friends I would like to see. I just go into like an abyss of self-hatred, depression, questioning my attractiveness, and all the things I'm sure all of you have already felt.

I have had trouble with my husband well basically since we've been together - he's not abusive in an outward way, but very controlling and has a really hard time being joyful. He, like me, comes from a two-parent NPD household. We both dealt with it almost in opposite ways...I became very outwardly expressive and he became stunted in terms of expression. He has been in therapy for many years as have I, and he has improved, but in my mid-forties, I feel like I was not born to be happy. I know that the first thing I MUST do is stop myself every time I want to text or refriend these men. I notice my heart racing and feeling very "high" when I am "in contact" and that tips me off that they are drugs to me. Thanks for listening. Thanks so much. I'm just trying to get through another day where I don't call a psychic to see what will happen with N1 in particular.