Holidays are upon us........

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#1 Nov 21 - 11AM

Sparrow

Holidays are upon us........

I am coming up on my 2nd Thanksgiving holiday without my husband and will be honest, I am delighted to celebrate the holiday this year. Last year......not at all. I was reminded of how I felt this time last year after reading Coffee's post and writing my response. I am thinking of the many members on here, especially the new ones, that are facing their first holiday dinner without their loved one or significant other.

It is a day that is full of dread for some, a day that is filled with mixed-emotions for others. It is the beginning of an extremely difficult time of year for many. Just your average day, you find to be difficult at times, some days easier than others, but the holidays, they are the hardest. We all know this.

Please don't fret, know that you are not alone, and try your hardest to get through this holiday celebration, and know that this is your "first" and next year won't be so bad, and the year after that, a bit better. PLEASE, IF THERE ARE ANY MEMBERS ON HERE THAT FACE THIS HOLIDAY ALONE.....please let us know so we can help you to prepare yourself for the day.

I will be attending dinner at my brothers house this year, but please know, that I will have my phone with me and be accessing the forum often throughout the day, as I am sure many others will be doing as well. We are here for you, and will help you through, what I believe to be the most difficult time of year and darkest part of your journey to healing......

Know that happy holidays are in your future, maybe this season, maybe not until next season, but they will be happy again, and we are their to help ensure that.

Smiles, love and hugs to all.

#2 Nov 22 - 11AM

Sparrow

Thank you so much! My

Thank you so much! My holidays were always wonderful, until my divorce. Last year was my first Thanksgiving that I was not with my husband and his entire family. I was with narc #2, which made it all the more miserable. What an ass-wipe he was.........I wasn't physically with him, he was 2000 miles away and still managed to wreak havoc on my day. Not anymore though and that is what is important! Anyway, I started to think about all of the wonderful holidays I had over the years. I would hostess 10 people every year for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My in-laws.......and I realized why they were soooooo wonderful! I did it ALL!!! I cleaned, shopped for the food, prepared it, set an absolute beautiful table, it was like something out of Currier-Ives......magical. No one ever lifted a finger to help, not even with the dishes. And I, in typical fashion, couldn't do enough for them. My sister in-law told me after that first Thanksgiving without me, that it was terrible and I was sadly missed.......Gee, I wonder why? LOL I see things so more clearly now........and am looking forward to once again having wonderful holidays. From this point forward, it won't be all about everyone else, I will still make others important, but will make myself important as well! Can't wait! :) Happy Thanksgiving to all!

#3 Nov 22 - 11AM

Happy1

Sparrow

You're such a kind lady! I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving! I will be having my family over instead of sitting at the Thanksgiving table with my narc and his ex-wife and the 2 boys. It will be different this year, but I have to push through it. He is now living with the doctor and her daughter and it's time for me to let it go as he has. I It's amazing how we hang on to memories and they wash over us as if they are happening right now. I have to catch myself a lot and the nightmares have not subsided yet. I hope soon they stop. May this Thanksgiving be your best ever Sparrow!

#4 Nov 22 - 3AM

Je Suis

Relieved, actually!

I'm looking forward to a fantastic holiday season with friends. None of his histrionics with his clueless rich family. No watching him be absolutely cruel to his mother, and listening to him whine about her weeks before and after. No crazy car trip and cheap meals or none at all. Wow-- I'm so glad I got away. Now when I think of him, I just kind of chuckle at how pathetic he is. My emancipation from this clown will be the best Christmas present ever and something to be eternally thankful for on Thanksgivings to come!

#5 Nov 21 - 11PM

Sea

Actually narcky try to leave

Actually narcky try to leave 2 more oppotunities to make a come back. During the last contact he said we should go back to nc as i am crazy BUT we should "evaluate" again early december and that we should meet up on new year eve for a last kiss. I hang up without replying. As long as december comes and goes he would be less likely to return.

#6 Nov 21 - 11PM

Sea

It reminds me of the last 2

It reminds me of the last 2 xmas. Narcky wasnt with me. The 2009 xmas he had to work during the day and at nite he was with his cousins and i wasnt invited! Cant imagine how i could accept that crap from him. Anyway i was with my parents and siblings. The 2010 xmas was worse, he was with ow i believe. I really cant recall what shitty crap reasons he gave. I was with my siblings. So this xmas i will be without him same as the previous 2. The only difference would be i am no longer his gf. Who he is with has got nothing to do with me. Finally. Finale.

#7 Nov 21 - 4PM

Hermes

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in the U.S.A.

Just want to wish all you U.S. people over there a very happy and peaceful Thanksgiving! I do sincerely hope it is not as difficult as you anticipate and that you get some time with real people and good friends. Hermes

#8 Nov 21 - 3PM

coffeeaddict66

Memories different from Reality

Isn't it strange how we are sad and lonely and miss having our spouse with us during the holidays. The smiles, laughs and doing the traditional things. If we really stop and think about the past with the narc during the holidays, they were full of tension, drama and hurt feelings...those happy memories we hold on to were only a very small fraction of the time. Does anyone elses memory have this distorted defect?

#9 Nov 21 - 4PM (Reply to #15)

Done sourcing

Distorted memories of the Holiday Season

My exwn was the ultimate unplanner. She planned nothing in advance, she couldn't even hide an affair for 5 minutes, lol. I dreaded the holidays because it always meant confusion, disruption, and frustration. She knew what normal looked like, and she knew she didn't have it in her to even attempt it. Making excuses, failed attempts at party planning, it all was so futile. And the commercials all show happy people doing happy things being happy and together, and I knew we weren't any of that. I had my part to play in those wasted years. That is what I regret, that is what I can't go back to. It is the cog-dis between how it was and how it is supposed to be. The truth is it is supposed to be chaotic, disordered, tension filled, and sad. We tried to put a mask on it, but the mask had fallen and we were left with magical thoughts and burned up dreams. We don't feel so lucky when the end finally comes...but after some healing and recovery we realize that we have another opportunity to live free. It is our choice to have the good in our lives. We don't have to walk around the dark cloud in the center of the room. Can we now see that they were miserable and wanted company in that misery? I can, and do! I am done giving supply to the misery, done giving supply to the tyranny of the weak. ds

#10 Nov 21 - 2PM

nancyh

Sparrow, how kind of you to

Sparrow, how kind of you to offer your time to those on this forum that need it during this holiday season. It is just more evidence of what completely disordered people we were involved with when they would/could not embrace & cherish your kind, empathetic and loving nature. I know you are authentic and awesome and I appreciate you. Nan

Nan

#11 Nov 21 - 2PM (Reply to #13)

Sparrow

Your words are all very kind

Your words are all very kind and appreciated. If we all give just a little bit of ourselves, we can help each and every one here on the forum during the holiday season. :) Much love and friendship to all here. Past, present and future.

#12 Nov 21 - 2PM

Goldie

Thank you Sparrow, beautiful post

Yes, the Holidays may be a difficult time for some. I will be doing my annual traditional stuff and will be popping on the board from time to time throughout the day and as Sparrow says, if you need the extra support please just ask, we will be here. God bless, Goldie

#13 Nov 21 - 2PM

Layla

Ha!

This will be my first "holidays" without him........he freaking RUINED every holiday eight years in a row.......I won't miss a damn thing! GOOD RIDDANCE! : )) Layla

#14 Nov 21 - 1PM

uk lady

Hi Sparrow

You are so kind to offer this accessibility during the holidays. "Sharing is caring" as my old uni tutor used to say and helping others who were struggling, as long as we didn't commit plagiarism, made everyone feel better and valued. Ultimately it brought the entire class community together as a whole working as a team. I can confirm that there were definitely no P/Ns in our year. So, a win-win situation. Very much like on this forum. Sharing knowledge, experiences, successes and ourselves is what we all need after our episodes with the P/Ns. Thank you Sparrow. Dee x

#15 Nov 21 - 1PM

Done sourcing

Thanks for the post. This

Thanks for the post. This will be my second narc free Thanksgiving Holiday. I will be in the company of all of my kids, for the second year in a row. I am looking forward to the get together 100 percent. No cog-dis at all. That is freedom. The dark days of early recovery are behind me, and I notice when I do have a set back or haunting, the bounce back period is very quick. I have the tools, understanding, and widsom that I have acquired through willingness, observation, sharing, and learning. Therapy helped alot as well. Like you Sparrow, I will have my computer and look forward to posting and sharing all through the Holidays. I wish I could impart onto all of the new members that the freedom to be all you could hope for is available to us all. I know the path can look impossible and completely overwhelming, and we all have been at that point. Unimaginable to think that all could be peaceful and calm in a life that has been so twisted and cruel. But the truth is recovery will happen to all who really want it. Sometimes moving forward just takes the effort to get off our asses and do something different. Idling in reflection has its time and place for all of us, but recovery happens through action and movement. Even a simple act of doing something nice for someone else (not the narc, lol) can set us off on a new direction, seeing the possibilites instead of the problems. A wise man who I never met used to say all the time (a good friend always reminds me of this) "The solution is simple...it is spiritual...and it has nothing to do with the problem". We all have a kind loving inner voice (not the ego), and in the rememberance of that voice we will be picked up whole and brought into a new dimension of freedom and peace. God bless us all! ds

#16 Nov 21 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

coffeeaddict66

Done Sourcing--Beautiful

That was really a beautiful thought. Im going to hold onto that. Thank you for sharing it!! Coffee

#17 Nov 21 - 12PM

coffeeaddict66

Thanks Sparrow

Nothing is better than knowing there is hope. Thanks for giving us that in your post. After shedding a few tears and arguing with air about how miserable I was, I returned to this site and so glad I did. I'm feeling better and realized it's not as bad as it feels in those low moments and it does get better with time. Thanks for reminding me and sharing your experience of better days. I remember now, the truth of the drama that came with him during the holidays...never fun. Feeling lonely, but the truth is, we will actually have a calmer happier holiday without him...I lost track of that huge TRUTH for a while. Have a wonderful holiday season!! Coffee

#18 Nov 21 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

uk lady

Absolutely Coffee

Just remembering the chaos he used to create at holidays and other pre-planned events makes me happier that he is not involved anymore. He would never entirely commit himself to anything and most times because he wanted to be somewhere else, with someone else. Let them have him gf. Enjoy the holidays with your family and relish the peace, calm and no last minute re-shuffling of plans that was your life with him. BTW - Is Thanksgiving this coming weekend? Dee x

#19 Nov 21 - 12PM

Sparrow

Excellent point Hunter! :)

#20 Nov 21 - 11AM

Hunter

Let me add.. These ass clowns

Let me add.. These ass clowns will be out in full force to play tricks for the Holiday's ...get your armour out.. Stay Strong Hunter

#21 Nov 23 - 1AM (Reply to #3)

empath

Heed Hunter's words...

People are emotional around the holidays, and depending upon where you live, the shorter days and longer nights can contribute to a feeling of melancholy. We must be on guard and aware that our emotional resistance may be weakened around these times, and arm ourselves with our knowledge and have a plan for dealing with anything that the N might throw at us. The holidays are a good excuse for them to reach out to us, and to play upon our sympathies and compassion. Remember that you do not owe your abuser anything, and remember that they had no comoassion for you, when you were devalued and discarded. You owe it to yourself to enjoy a happy, Narc-free holiday, and spend time with those who truly love you. If you are alone on the holiday, you are still better off than if you were with the N. If you are alone, I guarantee you it is not because no one would appreciate your company, it is more likely that you have let friendships wither while your time and attention was being consumed by the N. I honestly never felt more alone in my life than when I was with the N. Having spent quality time with myself and in re-establishing the healthy relationships in my life, I am not lonely now. If you are on your own this Thanksgiving, make the best of it. Resolve to re-establish your friendships with supportive people, and deepen your spiritual life. Spend time in nature. Do something kind for yourself. And as always, if you need care...come here. Always someone here who understands and will listen and care for you. Have a peaceful and blessed Thanksgiving holiday, everyone. :-) While no one at my table will know, I will silently be giving thanks for finding the strength to choose me and to put the N out of my life, for finding this forum and the immense help and healing and wonderful people that are here, and for making room in my life for a new relationship, so that when a good man does come along, I won't miss out on him because of being oreoccupied with Mr. Oh So Wrong.

#22 Nov 21 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

Anari

Really? You know I feel like

Really? You know I feel like I'm in a bubble...and still don't get this... I'm always learning new things everyday!

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